What does it mean when you feel nothing??

Old 12-14-2007, 01:40 PM
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What does it mean when you feel nothing??

I have been sitting here wanting to post my situation/what I feel ect. but I cant think of what to write. I dont feel anything....

I think I am hurting, or I know I should be hurting but I dont feel hurt. Every once in a while I feel a pang in my heart but after a few seconds it is gone.

I think I have finally had enough.

I have so many reasons to be sad....

1) My XAB has taken all the money from the account out and went out on binges..
2) Due to his binges and calling in sick from hangovers he lost his job Wed
3) My children and I were without electricity for four days...finally got it back on because the Salvation Army paid it for us
4) my sons birthday is tomorrow
5) My account is overdrawn (all because of him and the bank is no help, they wouldnt let me close it until all items had posted and each day he overdraws it more, I blocked his atm card but he found out and unblocked it and withdrew more money..left me $40 of the 100 that was in there and and that was before two transactions posted so its overdrawn now)
6) Unemployment for me has been a lengthy 2 month process and I have yet to receive a check
7) my car is about to be repo'd for non payment
8) my other car has expired tags and I am scared to death everytime I drive because I cant afford a ticket
9) my ex husband hasnt paid child support since July and our house is in forclosure

That about sums it up I guess....

For some positive notes...I have four beautiful, happy, fun-loving children who adore me and who have gotten to sleep in mommy's bed the last few nights because XAB is gone (who they call daddy) :0( ..... We have a beautiful christmas tree and christmas lights all around the house and we are going to make the best of this christmas possible even if it is just the 5 of us drinking cocoa together xmas morning together and opening the little gifts I bought early (smart mommy) and already stashed in their stockings...and the most positive thing of all is XAB is now 3 hours away from here and will have a really hard time getting back here to bother us now that he's convinced his whole family (of alcoholics and drug abusers) that I am the evil one...


But what do I feel?? Nothing... maybe the hunger pang every once in a while...probably because I havent been really eating...but I can barely cry about my situation...I'll read a post that erks a nerve here and there and shed a tear or two but nothing like I should....am I in shock?

Anyone been through a similiar situation where they feel nothing...is it the calm before the storm? Am I gonna have a nervous breakdown? Is it post tramatic stress? Should I be worried...
Or am I just a super-amazing woman? My kids are 3 & 3 (twins) 2 (tomorrow) and 9 months old...... Maybe I have just reached that breaking point and give up....please write to me

Last edited by 5Stars; 12-14-2007 at 01:44 PM. Reason: misspelling
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Old 12-14-2007, 01:56 PM
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For me it was "system overload".... My AH moved out several years ago and eventually divorced me and I did not really start to feel it until after the divorce. I am still just becomeing aware of many feelings,breaking my denial,etc. Last year my doctor told me he was happy to see I was starting to get angry....I can only be that was in short spurts. I think I still have a long,long way to go; but then again we were together almost thirty years and it took a while to get to the point it did.

Glad you are here..it really is a process. It seems to take what it takes.

Last edited by Pick-a-name; 12-14-2007 at 02:50 PM.
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Old 12-14-2007, 02:11 PM
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Hi 5Stars,

Welcome to SR .Sorry for your current circumstances.

I can relate to how you're feeling or not feeling.
I can't really put a term to it ..becuase it's was everything.
Can't eat, can't sleep, can't cry, tears at the edge of your eyes
Fogist, presure in your head, confussion, Shellshock , PTDS
Fear of loosing everything, becuase watched everything being lost.
Fear of loosing your sanity, or feels like you're going to have
nerve break down.

For me yes..i felt all those things...in shock,
bewilderment ?..that too.

Numbing out to survive or make it through...
becuase of maybe what's next..what going to happen now ?

Last edited by Morning Glory; 11-15-2008 at 12:22 PM.
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Old 12-14-2007, 02:14 PM
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I've had my share of heartache with my XABF, but not to your degree. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I did and do go through periods where I felt numb. After the rougher feelings, I welcomed the numbness. It still comes and goes and I personally like it a lot better than some of the other ghost emotions that still come to visit!

I wish you well and hope your situation improves.
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Old 12-14-2007, 02:56 PM
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My kids are older,too........but I still was the one here to keep it together and as "normal" as possible for them;just like you. I did what had to be done and kept going one day at a time. I think that is probably part of what you are feeling/not feeling,too.

Sending you a big hug! Please keep reading and posting;it has helped me so much and I hope you find the same to be true for you,too.
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Old 12-14-2007, 03:22 PM
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5Stars,

I'm sorry things have gotten to this. But you DO amaze me -- that you're able to still see the beauty in your life that he can't take away from you.

I went through a similar numbness and it was a lot like PTSD. There is a lot going on for you and you have gone a bit on shutdown so it doesn't overwhelm you and running screaming down the sidewalk. Understandable.

Of your list, is there one small thing you can do today, one small step you can choose and successfully take, to help you start back toward the life you really want? It's like all of your problems are packed into a closet, so tight you can't even see the shelves. Is there one small thing you can reach in there and take out, smooth out, take care of?

I'd vote for taking the remaining 40.00 out of that account and opening your OWN account that he can't get. What would you do if you got your unemployment check? Put it in there where he can steal it? Can you go to the bank and start your own account with whatever is left in the one you have the joint ATM on?

Small steps to protect yourself.

Do you have family who can be your emergency safety net?

P.S. Why do you feel like you should be crying? Your lack of tears might just be your mama-bear instinct kicking in -- tears are not going to help you feed your kids or rectify this situation, and your mind knows that. Consider that you might be more of a warrior than you give yourself credit for.

GL

Last edited by Morning Glory; 11-15-2008 at 12:23 PM.
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Old 12-14-2007, 04:30 PM
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Thank you all for replying...I did open a new account this morning...he can not get to that one...I have just been carefully watching the joint one because any charges I will also be responsible for. I do not plan on putting ANY more money in that acct.

I like your idea of taking just one thing at a time out of the closet and handling that alone. I am awaiting a packet from the child support division to start that process for both fathers. Tues is the next appt that I can attend.

About the forclosure, I spoke with someone who might be able to help us keep our home. They may lower our interest rate and roll all of our accrued pmts and late charges to the end of the loan. My ex husband just needs to give them his information. I am praying about that one.

And as soon as my unemplyment check comes I can pay the tags on one of the cars and now since XAB is gone I dont need to keep the other, I can let them repo it.

I am just so bewildered.....normally when he leaves I feel like I will die...
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Old 12-14-2007, 04:57 PM
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Originally Posted by 5Stars View Post
I am just so bewildered.....normally when he leaves I feel like I will die...
Maybe you just finally had enough. I know that this time when I broke up with my boyfriend, it was different. Later, I got sad and angry and all of that. It's just normal. But it also felt done, and underneath all of the pain was a new sense of peace.

Last edited by Morning Glory; 11-15-2008 at 12:23 PM.
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Old 12-14-2007, 05:14 PM
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I think the numbness is a self-protective mechanism. I can understand how you would feel on overload right now.

gentle hugs to you and your children.
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Old 12-14-2007, 07:12 PM
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Please forgive me for what I'm about to say, ronii, but....

Maybe you've finally realized that you deserve much, much better than a man like that. It took me a long time, but when I did, it was an overnight switch.

I woke up one morning and thought, "How dare he do that to any living soul, especially someone as nice as me. And how could I have LET him? "

And that was my first step toward healing. It's the day I heard for the first time the lyrics to the Keb Mo song that goes:

You're down on your knees
Scared he's gonna leave
But if you really wanna know
You're gonna have to let go

´Cause that's not love
Love don't feel that bad
That's not love
It don't feel that sad
No that's not love
'Cause you don't feel good inside
I don't know what it is

But that's not love

Hugs to you. You will get better, and this will all work out, if you protect yourself like the deserving child of god that you are......and your kids too!
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Old 12-14-2007, 09:55 PM
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It happened over 6 years for me. I woke up one day and realized that all the "love" I thought I felt for my x was gone. I was just beaten down by the chaos to the point of not caring any more.
I wasn't being nurtured, I was being used.
I had no energy to do the simplest thing any more.
There was never a "good" day with him any more.
Those things added up and I realized I needed help and I needed peace.
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Old 12-15-2007, 12:01 AM
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5Stars, I remember when you first posted here in the hopes of helping your abf detox himself at home. I respect your loyalty to be there for him and to have had a sincere desire to help him.

Now it's down to the nit and grit as to what addicts do. His first, last and ONLY pursuit is to maintain his addiction at the cost of you, at the cost of your children, and perhaps, ultimately, at the cost of his own life.

I feel for you, but I respect the fact that you are doing everything you can to give your kids a nice Christmas. Get in touch with social services, the YWCA and YMCA, local churches, The Salvation Army, WHATEVER .... there are plenty of good people out there who will offer you as much help as they can in your time of need. You and your kids deserve to have a roof over your head, food on the table, and enough money to have basic transportation - even if it's public transportation.

I'd be numb too after watching someone trash my finances - and not even give a good cahoot. But that IS what addicts do. And they do it over and over and over.

I cannot answer whether or not you are actually going to have a nervous breakdown, I can only speculate. I think you have enough guts and fight in you to keep that from happening for the sake of your children. Ultimately, you have to make your own decisions. I think it's time for you to sit down, and with the utmost seriousness do whatever you need to do to kick this man to the curb and get him out of your life. He is a MAJOR liability. God wants the best for you. Reach out to decent people who have the best interests of you and your children in their hearts. Believe me, there are people in this world who will want to help. Do not put your bf in that category. Perhaps a more fitting category for him would be exbf ....

Last edited by Morning Glory; 11-15-2008 at 12:23 PM.
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Old 12-15-2007, 01:13 AM
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To avoid the possibility of a nervous breakdown take lots of vitamin B complex and make sure you try to eat healthy even if all you can get is veggies and oatmeal froma food pantry.

I know the numbness you speak of. For me at the worst of times my adrenylin kicks in and I handle it better than little stresses, maybe its a good thing. Just take care of you so you can continue taking care of your kids no matter what. See if United Way can help with the house or other things.

For me the anger at AH got too much and I had to stop letting him back for my sanity.

Hang in there hon and we are here for you
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Old 12-15-2007, 07:53 AM
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I agree with cinderella. It may seem overly simple, but you would be amazed at the difference in how you feel when you're taking a B-vitamin stress complex, a couple of bucks at the drugstore. Stress, alcohol, medications all destroy B vitamins in your body, and B's are the ones that keep you mentally stable. They also come prepackaged in green veggies, so even if you don't like them, try to eat them if you aren't taking a supplement. I am a veggie hater and have some recipes even *I* will eat

Take care of yourself ronii
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