Wascally Wabbit

She called me to tell me that she had her lawyer write a letter to my sister. All it said was, "I am sorry for anything I have ever done to you, and I love you."
Rewind a few years<<<
My sister used my mother like there was no tomorrow. Of course my sister is koo koo, and crazy as all heck too. So, imagine the two of them living together with sis's husband and their kids. It was a nightmare.
My sister is a fit pitching narcissistic psyco brat from he**, and my mother was an alcoholic who had quit drinking by the time sis was 14. So, it was the "House of Chaos and Dysfunction", with residual alcoholic behavior and no alcohol.

Well, aparantly my mom gave them a bunch of money to buy a new home with the agreement that mom would have a room in this house.
After all is said and done, sis decides not to let mom live with her, and refuses to pay back one cent of the money. Sis talks to me and says all kind of ugly things about mom and mom is baffled as to why she's so crazy.

The next thing I knew, I am the middle man for them to send messages. In between all this, my sis is talking hateful about mom.

Ok. Somewhere in there sis and mom talk to each other and sis told mom I said hateful things about mom!

That was it for me. I haven't had contact with sis for years.

So, tonight mom tells me about sending this letter. She had her will fixed so that sis gets nothing. (Sis is extremely well off anyway, and mom really hasn't got anything)

When mom told me about sending this letter, I ask her why she had a lawyer send a simple letter like that. She said she didn't want to do it herself. (??)

Then, mom said she was sending me a copy in case sis trys to contest the will. And, if sis contacts me, I will know whats going on.

I told my mother point blank that I will absolutely NOT talk to my sister about anything what so ever about anything at all, and if she calls, I will only say, "I am sorry, but I do not care to speak to you", and hang up.

Mom says, "Oh, I thought you'd at least stand up for your poor old mother!"

Recognizing the manipulation and guilt trip headed my way, I told mom that I absolutely refuse to get involved in anything between sis and her. If you have anything to say, you can call each other!

Mom sounded hurt. But, again, I made it absolutely clear I wanted nothing to do with it.

I don't feel good that my mother has to hurt over my sister, but it is not my fault and it's not my responsibility to make everything alright between them.

GingerM

Good for you Wascal! You've really come a long way since you first started posting here. And you're exactly right, neither your sister's nor your mother's problems with the other are any of your business, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that getting stuck in the middle between two toxic people is just asking to get squashed! They end up bestest of friends and you end up the bad guy.

I'm so impressed with how you handled it!

Like you, I have empathy for the situations toxic people in my life find themselves in, but I have no desire to be part of that toxicity.

SaTiT

that's crazy

glad you found peace in the mist of it all wabbit

Midnightfrost

way to stick to your guns! That'll save you a lot stressing.

Wascally Wabbit

Yes, Ginger, I have come a long way since joining this board. It has been the most helpful in untangling my thoughts and reactions to people who are manipulative.
After all, what's the worse they will do if you refuse to be part of their illness?

Last year, my mother made plans to come here for Christmas. I have a fake tree with the lights already on it. She kept saying she couldn't stand Christmas tree lights, and if she was going to come, I would have to turn them off while she was there (xmas eve thru jan 1st)
This was my grandbaby who lives with me's first Christmas! Can you imagine my horror at the thought of NOT having CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTS!
I told her that I was sorry the lights bothered her eyes, but the lights will remain ON.
She didn't come.
That was her choice.
She's coming this Christmas and again, I told her the lights will be on.
So far, she's not complained or whined about how Christmas tree lights bother her eyes.
We'll see.

GingerM

And this year, you'll know what to say:

"Gee, I'm sorry the lights bother you, perhaps it would be easier if you stayed in a different room/got a hotel room." After all, you're only concerned about her comfort, right?

Ginger

Wascally Wabbit

LOL!
I shouldn't laugh.
I sure get tired of childish inconsiderate behavior.

Pamapaloza

Classic triangulation. I know it doesn't feel good but you did right by yourself.

-Pam

GingerM

I didn't see that until you pointed it ou Pam.

Wascal, with my parents/family, the triangulation got to be so bad that when I first joined this board I was on the verge of going no contact with my parents. I was always being dragged into the middle of things against my expressed wishes, then told "but don't tell".

I finally had a conversation with my parents and told them I was no longer going to keep anyone's secrets and that if they didn't want anyone to know what they were saying, they needed to not say it to me. I was also sick to death of hearing my sister constantly berated (she doesn't live in the same state that we live in) and put down.

My parents got so mad at me when I threw down the gauntlet about not getting stuck in the middle that initially my mom didn't want to talk to me at all. Then she changed her mind, but my dad didn't want to speak to me ever again. Then he changed his mind and wanted things to go back to "how they were". I told him that wouldn't happen. Then he said he wouldn't speak to me again...again. Then the next day he made me scones and brought them over.

Through it all, all I could think of was "do whatever you want, speak to me, don't speak to me, just don't keep dragging me into the middle". The harshest part is that much of what they said when they would drag me into crap was said after an evening in the bottle, so they would have no recollection of it. Which made it harder for them to understand why I was "suddenly" behaving like this.

This board helped me get through the initial confrontation, the fallout, the weeks afterwards of not understanding why they were behaving the way they did (as Mike told me "you can't make sense out of chaos, you'll go crazy trying"), of learning to let it roll off my back. Sometimes now I see it as a game. Of how many ways I can point out their hypocrisy without them realizing that's what I"m doing (I enjoy word games, so this is just one more word game to me). It's a good way to stay disengaged while not appearing rude.

Kind of like my reply to your mom about going into a different room or staying in a hotel. It sounds like you're every bit the concerned daughter when what you're really doing is defending your boundary.

Thanks Pam, for reminding me about that triangulation trap. It's good to be reminded of things that may have fallen into the back of our minds and started gathering dust. I'm still working on trying to see triangulation - unless it's obviously blatant, I have difficulty spotting it.

DesertEyes

My crazy family would make a soap opera look boring. I had to deal with the over-demanding sensitivities, the "triangling", the drama sessions. It was my mother crying to me about my father, my father crying to me about my mother, but neither one of 'em willing to lift a finger to fix their _own_ issues.

All that made for a _short_ childhood. I was the only grown-up in the family for as far back as I can remember. The good news is that being responsible for myself and being a good listener comes natural after all the "training".

What I did to protect myself from their insanity was to establish "counseling fees". I realized that a shrink make 150 bucks an hour to do what I was doing for free, which is listen to a couple drunks whine about their own decisions. So I started asking for 150 bucks up front, cash, or come back when you got the money.

Yeah, they got all huffy at first, and I actually made a couple hundred bucks the first few times. But then they quit, and the silence was _heavenly_.

I know today that I am _not_ a shrink, or a crisis line, or a palm reader. If people want me to provide such services they're gonna have to go find somebody else who is licensed to do that, cuz it aint' me.

Wabbit, you done way good. You should be proud of yourself

Mike

Wascally Wabbit

I like that word "triangulation".
Ginger, you just brought to mind how they really don't remember what evils they do. It's like a huge memory loss when it's their fault.
Mike, hmmm, I wish I had thought of charging $ to dump on me. I'd be filthy rich!

GingerM

It's a psychology term. My therapist explained it to me before I confronted my parents. But like manipulation and so many other things I grew up with, I still have difficulty seeing it until I'm in up to my ears. Between my therapist and this board, I made it through that episode and so far, they've honored my boundaries (oddly - even when they're drunk, maybe especially when they're drunk. My dad makes it a point of saying "I know you said you wouldn't keep secrets, so this isn't a secret", but he only says that when he's been hanging out with the bourbon).

Wascally Wabbit

Don't you just hate all the freeking "secrets"? I remember my mother blubbering drunk one day after I got home from high school. She couldn't walk and kept stumbling all over. I thought something really terrible was wrong so I went and got a neighbor.

The neighbor came and talked to her for a few minutes and left. Mom was ANGRY that I did that. Her being an alcoholic was supposed to be a secret!
Grrrr.

GingerM

LOL! Oh the secrets are a huge part of A families. The proverbial elephant in the living room. Because, y'know, the neighbors probably never ever noticed before that she'd come home staggering and stumbling around and constantly reeked of alcohol....

The abuse in our family was supposed to be a big seekret too. I found out later that my mom had been reported to Children's Services at least 3 different times in 3 different states. We just moved so fast, and government moves so slow that nothing ever came of it.

Yeah. Nobody knew of our big seekret either *rolls eyes*