New Here: Introduction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 7
New Here: Introduction
Hi everyone!
I am new here and just wanted to take a minute to introduce myself.
I have been dating a wonderful man who I love deeply for the past year and a half. He is great in so many ways, yet he is a drug addict...A functioning addict who smokes pot from the moment he wakes up until the moment he goes to bed. Anywhere from 6-15 times a day.
He is "functioning" quite well in many ways ...financially, very successful business owner, home owner, etc. In fact he functions so well from all outside appearances that it is not even something he attempts to hide. Everyone close to him knows that he is an addict, including his mother who he smokes in front of. I always thought that pot heads were lazy hippies who were a little unkept but he is very clean cut, professional, and productive. He has defied my idea of what a drug addict is and has functioned so well that it has taken me quite some time to finally realize that his addiction IS a problem, functioning or not.
Why is it a problem if he is functioning?
~he is cold and robotic when he is not high or is coming down from a high.
~when we take vacations and he goes a few days without smoking pot, he gets cranky
~Sometimes I wonder if he is able to feel love, empathy, compassion, etc. naturally or if he smokes pot in order to feel those emotions.
~I am concerned that his inability to give me a long term committ stems from his drug addiction.
That's it for now. Talking about this is new for me so this should be an interesting journey for me.
Thanks!
I am new here and just wanted to take a minute to introduce myself.
I have been dating a wonderful man who I love deeply for the past year and a half. He is great in so many ways, yet he is a drug addict...A functioning addict who smokes pot from the moment he wakes up until the moment he goes to bed. Anywhere from 6-15 times a day.
He is "functioning" quite well in many ways ...financially, very successful business owner, home owner, etc. In fact he functions so well from all outside appearances that it is not even something he attempts to hide. Everyone close to him knows that he is an addict, including his mother who he smokes in front of. I always thought that pot heads were lazy hippies who were a little unkept but he is very clean cut, professional, and productive. He has defied my idea of what a drug addict is and has functioned so well that it has taken me quite some time to finally realize that his addiction IS a problem, functioning or not.
Why is it a problem if he is functioning?
~he is cold and robotic when he is not high or is coming down from a high.
~when we take vacations and he goes a few days without smoking pot, he gets cranky
~Sometimes I wonder if he is able to feel love, empathy, compassion, etc. naturally or if he smokes pot in order to feel those emotions.
~I am concerned that his inability to give me a long term committ stems from his drug addiction.
That's it for now. Talking about this is new for me so this should be an interesting journey for me.
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: ca
Posts: 103
welcome, chica.
My husband is an addict. He used to smoke pot that much until he discovered cocaine. He was also very high functioning, so to speak. I just wanted to say that addiction is a progressive disease and his use and the behaviors you listed may only get worse with time. I hope they don't, but they might.
You've come to a good place to learn about addiction and helping yourself. There will be many wiser and more experienced along to greet you.
My husband is an addict. He used to smoke pot that much until he discovered cocaine. He was also very high functioning, so to speak. I just wanted to say that addiction is a progressive disease and his use and the behaviors you listed may only get worse with time. I hope they don't, but they might.
You've come to a good place to learn about addiction and helping yourself. There will be many wiser and more experienced along to greet you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
hi chica,
Welcome! There are a lot of folks here who understand. This is a good place for you to be.
I have several acquaintances who are high-functioning addicts. It's a sticky situation because they have no desire to quit or cut down, and no motivation to do so either. "They are fine" say they.
I was in a long term relationship with a pot addict who was a nurse, of all things. After a while, it became clear that all of the things you mention in your post were true. I loved him, but in my case love wasn't enough to overcome all of that.
One thing we are all teaching each other here is how to focus on our own needs in addiction situations. It's clear how you feel about this. Are you able to talk about this with him? Would he be willing to quit or cut down if he knew that it was making you uncomfortable and undermining your relationship? Is your relationship a true partnership, or is it very much an "I'm going to do this because 'that's the way I am', and you have to deal with it" scenario? Do you WANT a long term commitment with a man who is chemically dependent?
This is a good spot to explore what you truly feel about all of this. Come on in, pour a cup of coffee, and kick off your shoes.
Welcome! There are a lot of folks here who understand. This is a good place for you to be.
I have several acquaintances who are high-functioning addicts. It's a sticky situation because they have no desire to quit or cut down, and no motivation to do so either. "They are fine" say they.
I was in a long term relationship with a pot addict who was a nurse, of all things. After a while, it became clear that all of the things you mention in your post were true. I loved him, but in my case love wasn't enough to overcome all of that.
One thing we are all teaching each other here is how to focus on our own needs in addiction situations. It's clear how you feel about this. Are you able to talk about this with him? Would he be willing to quit or cut down if he knew that it was making you uncomfortable and undermining your relationship? Is your relationship a true partnership, or is it very much an "I'm going to do this because 'that's the way I am', and you have to deal with it" scenario? Do you WANT a long term commitment with a man who is chemically dependent?
This is a good spot to explore what you truly feel about all of this. Come on in, pour a cup of coffee, and kick off your shoes.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 78
Welcome! I'm new too and not really qualified to welcome....but here I am. This is a great place, and there is really little to nothing you can go through that someone here hasn't had to deal with. And even if you don't want to talk about addiction per se... there are some pretty funny and inspiring threads here too. Helps you keep a little balance.
Hope you keep coming back.
Amy
Hope you keep coming back.
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
Welcome to Sr. My AH only smoked pot too...for years...then he too discovered cocaine. It is progressive. Will he cut down if you ask him? My a used to get cranky too when he was not high, sometimes I would think Jeez just go smoke ajoint and chill out...but thats not right is it?
Keep coming back, lots to read and learn here.
Keep coming back, lots to read and learn here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: New York
Posts: 217
Hi Chica...Interesting that you mention about a functioning pot smoker. My Ex husband has been smoking pot on a daily basis since he's about 15 yrs old. He is now 44 years old and still smokes pot on a daily basis. He still doesnt think he has a problem. He also is an alcoholic....but doesnt think thats a problem either. I have recently found out that he is now smoking and drinking with my 21 yr old son who has been MIA from my home for a month now. (Guess what...he doesnt think thats a problem either). He would get real grumpy when he didnt smoke also and my AS definitely has issues with empathy also. I am finally realizing why. Chances are...he's not gonna stop for you or anybody. He probably doesnt think he has an issue.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 7
Hi everyone, thank you so much for the warm welcome!
Last night my boyfriend shocked me by saying that his New Year's Resolution is to stop smoking during the day on weekdays. While this made me happy because it means that he acknowledges on some level that he has a problem, I am certainly not holding out any hope that he will actually cut back.
He has indicated to me in the past that he will never stop smoke pot entirely but that he would like to go from smoking habitually to doing it recreationally. He knows that he is an addict and even asked me last night if I think he is an addict to which I replied, "yes".
When he expressed to me last night that he wants to cut back on pot, I told him that I will support him in any way I can and expressed that I am concerned that he will drink more alcohol to make up for not smoking. This is what he does when we go on vacation and the result is not good. He told me he will not drink more to make up for the pot. It will be interesting to see how it all works out. I am hoping for the best but bracing myself for the worst when he crashes.
Some additional things that bother me: I know he typically does cocaine when he goes to Vegas with the boys, about once or twice a year. I've made it very clear to him that if he ever brings cocaine aroud me or brings me to a place where there is cocaine, the relationship will be over. I've never done it and dont' ever want to be exposed to it. Quite honestly, it sounds like the one drug that I could see myself getting addicted to and I've made sure I've never been around it for that reason.
So last weekend he went to Las Vegas and told me that he didn't do coke. I said, "I didn't ask and its not something I want to discuss. What you do there better stay there". He assured me he hadn't done it. Turns out he did and I have a serious problem with him lying to me about it. In fact, I'm more upset about him lying than I am that he did it. I pretty much figured he would do it but the fact that he lied about it (and I didn't even ask him or put him in a position to lie) really bothers me and makes me wonder what else he lies about.
Lastly, he is a gambler. Sports betting. He's not one of those guys who bets the house or anything that dangerous. He establishes his bank roll and sticks within it and stops when he is down. HOWEVER, I worry that it will grow into a bigger problem as the years go by.
Sorry for the long rambling story but as I said before, this is the first time I've even talked about it and its like it is all just pouring out now. It feels good to get some of this off of my chest. I am going to my first nar-anon meeting today and am nervous but SO ready to go.
Thanks again for all the welcomes!
Last night my boyfriend shocked me by saying that his New Year's Resolution is to stop smoking during the day on weekdays. While this made me happy because it means that he acknowledges on some level that he has a problem, I am certainly not holding out any hope that he will actually cut back.
He has indicated to me in the past that he will never stop smoke pot entirely but that he would like to go from smoking habitually to doing it recreationally. He knows that he is an addict and even asked me last night if I think he is an addict to which I replied, "yes".
When he expressed to me last night that he wants to cut back on pot, I told him that I will support him in any way I can and expressed that I am concerned that he will drink more alcohol to make up for not smoking. This is what he does when we go on vacation and the result is not good. He told me he will not drink more to make up for the pot. It will be interesting to see how it all works out. I am hoping for the best but bracing myself for the worst when he crashes.
Some additional things that bother me: I know he typically does cocaine when he goes to Vegas with the boys, about once or twice a year. I've made it very clear to him that if he ever brings cocaine aroud me or brings me to a place where there is cocaine, the relationship will be over. I've never done it and dont' ever want to be exposed to it. Quite honestly, it sounds like the one drug that I could see myself getting addicted to and I've made sure I've never been around it for that reason.
So last weekend he went to Las Vegas and told me that he didn't do coke. I said, "I didn't ask and its not something I want to discuss. What you do there better stay there". He assured me he hadn't done it. Turns out he did and I have a serious problem with him lying to me about it. In fact, I'm more upset about him lying than I am that he did it. I pretty much figured he would do it but the fact that he lied about it (and I didn't even ask him or put him in a position to lie) really bothers me and makes me wonder what else he lies about.
Lastly, he is a gambler. Sports betting. He's not one of those guys who bets the house or anything that dangerous. He establishes his bank roll and sticks within it and stops when he is down. HOWEVER, I worry that it will grow into a bigger problem as the years go by.
Sorry for the long rambling story but as I said before, this is the first time I've even talked about it and its like it is all just pouring out now. It feels good to get some of this off of my chest. I am going to my first nar-anon meeting today and am nervous but SO ready to go.
Thanks again for all the welcomes!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
Welcome to one of the best places there is--you can be yourself, say what you want, rant, rage, love, and care all in the same post...and others will love you anyway.
we all understand, or are trying!
susan
we all understand, or are trying!
susan
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
chica,
Good luck with working through all of this. You're on a journey of self-discovery, to see how you truly feel about your self, your boundaries, your choices in a life partner, etc. You only get one shot at this and you need to be sure to examine all of this rationally and see if his lifestyle -- and its risks -- is what's going to make you happy over the next 60 years of your life. Take good care of yourself on the journey...it is ALL for the good to explore these things.
Good luck with working through all of this. You're on a journey of self-discovery, to see how you truly feel about your self, your boundaries, your choices in a life partner, etc. You only get one shot at this and you need to be sure to examine all of this rationally and see if his lifestyle -- and its risks -- is what's going to make you happy over the next 60 years of your life. Take good care of yourself on the journey...it is ALL for the good to explore these things.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I was with a high functioning alcoholic for a long time. The thing was, his mood swings were killing me. I never really knew how he felt at any one moment.
He worked like a dog in his own business and had everything going for him too.
He just could have a decent relationship with me. He had to drink every single day.
It's all about how much you can take.
He worked like a dog in his own business and had everything going for him too.
He just could have a decent relationship with me. He had to drink every single day.
It's all about how much you can take.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Designchica,
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
One slogan we have here is nothing changes if nothing changes. HIM you cannot change, you, you have choices here.
Addiction is a progressive disease.
Grab a chair, we're all here for you.
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
One slogan we have here is nothing changes if nothing changes. HIM you cannot change, you, you have choices here.
Addiction is a progressive disease.
Grab a chair, we're all here for you.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Chica...Welcome! You sound like you have been doing some thinking and soul searching...That's great! It does sound as if he has a pretty "addictive personality" and all those addictions are problematic for your relationship. I too have trouble with lies and can relate to what you said about him lying to you.
I'm so glad you are trying a meeting tonight. If you find this one isn't a good fit for you, try another. Sometimes it takes a few visits to find the group that clicks just right for you. It did for me, but now my home group is like extended family.
Keep reading and posting...Great support here and wonderful people! Hugs
I'm so glad you are trying a meeting tonight. If you find this one isn't a good fit for you, try another. Sometimes it takes a few visits to find the group that clicks just right for you. It did for me, but now my home group is like extended family.
Keep reading and posting...Great support here and wonderful people! Hugs
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