what have i done?????

Old 12-12-2007, 06:18 AM
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sjr
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what have i done?????

last night was a horrible, terrible, ugly night. it all starts quite early, i got off work a little early last night and was going to go get my nails done. (trying to do a little something for me) my friend is a nail person and was gonna do them for free, seeing how i have little to no money right now. she was giving it to me for xmas....well, my daughter calls me on my way home, and says, 'can i have some money to go out and eat?'...i say sure, if you can do something for me...she says what... ,me "i need a clean drug test"...she knows the deal ...no clean drug test, no money. eat at home. that starts the yelling...you know i can't pass a drug test, i smoked pot like two weeks ago...i say well, if you pee in a cup for me and all you fail for is pot, i will give you money tonight to go out and eat, and then in two weeks when the pot is out of your system, you should test completely clean, and we will go from there...she again, yells & tells me i am stupid, blah,blah,blah...i'm like what is the big deal, i am giving you a shot here. to prove yourself. finally she says, well i am not sure if i will pass everything else...what else would you fail i ask...she says she took a perkaset (sp?) the other day...so now in my head i am thinking well if i get her to still test i can what else is in her system. i haven't tested her since my 2:00am trip to walgreens a couple of weeks ago....she pitches a fit won't test...i say well then no money, that is the rule....on to the good part,

i go get my nails done, come home....well, yesterday i got a new cell phone because they we're having a really good deal at my provider, and my phone though ok, not great. (i use my phone for work as well as personal). she hasn't had a cell phone in months. her's broke...(she throws it and all that stuff)...she noticed my new one, and wanted my old one. again i say, i can't give you that until i get a clean test...she gets in my face in a rage...telling me how she wants my phone, is going to have my phone. goes in my bedroom and starts to pull everything out of draws looking for it...i say you know all you are doing is making a mess and it isn't even in there....trying to stay calm at this point....she does this for a long time...my room is completely a mess now. she comes out and trys to grab my purse from me. i of course won't let her have it. she same purse i sleep with so she won't still my money and meds. she is fighting me over this purse. both phones fall out of the side pockets where they were and she says i'll break your new phone in half if i want to.

then...she grabs the old phone off the floor, i say give it back to me you can't have it...of course she says no...

now here is the really ugly part, i wan't even sure if i wanted to tell you guys because i feel like i am getting ready to be railed. but you all have been here for me through the other stuff lately, it would be a lie to leave it out.

so here goes....(deep breath)...i go to grab the phone out of her hand and she doesn't let go...she pushes me, and i snap. i literaly lost my mind. i hit her, not once but several times. she of course hits me back and i am now in a 'fight' with my daughter. this is not my nature, i don't 'hit'...i have talked about spanking in my last thread, yes, i spanked...that's the butt...this was a fight like two crazy grown women would. i finally come to my sences as i am on the floor with my child and get up...i tell her she can have the phone and use it to call her dad to come get her. she leaves.

i am honestly now sitting there waiting for the cops to come and take me to jail. she said she was gonna call them.i called a friend of mine...and said keep your phone close by i may need you to get me out of jail tonight, here's my mom's number in case you can't. i was getting prepared to go to jail!

the phone rings it's my mom, she had talked my daughter out of calling the cops she says...we talked for a while, it's around 2 am by then, i just sit up all night waiting...

the cops didn't come...and she didn't come home...

i don't know where she is right now...i can't believe i lost my mind like that
i feel like the BIGGEST LOSER PIECE OF CRAP MOM IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW!!!! i hit my baby...alot!!!

all over a phone???????? i had said i was going to turn the service off on it today, imo...she pitched a complete fit for it...she got it...same 'ole...my mom asked me not to. trying to keep the peace my mom is...

i don't know what to do now...i feel terrible, i feel like i hit some wall, i feel like i lost it, and i did.

so that is the long and short of my story for last night...i'm ready ...go ahead guys, tell me what ya think of the crappy mom that hits her kid...i deserve it and will take it.....s
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Old 12-12-2007, 06:58 AM
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(((sjr))) Been there, done that. .... sigh.


Time for daughter to be on her own, I think. That is what it took for my kid to "get it".... and she was also only 17.... and she had never worked... and she was immature... and she was drug addicted... and I worried she would sell herself for her drugs.


But you know what? If she was going to sell herself for her drugs... she would eventually anyway.


Turn off the service.

Your house. Your rules. This is a progressive disease. Sometimes, the best things turn out to be the hardest.

What helped me was going to a LOT of face to face meetings.....Alanon and AA.

I wish you the best.



PS - be nice to yourself, you are a good mom who had a moment of insanity. That is what addiction brings - more insanity.

You ever hear that saying - Insanity is doing the same things over and over, expecting different results.

We hear it as applied to our addicts - but it really applies better to us.


((love)))
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Old 12-12-2007, 07:01 AM
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You haven't done anything, your daughter is an addict.

I haven't told this, I don't think, but I will now. My daughter did the same thing at age 17. She did call the police, and never returned. After 48 hours I could file a missing person report. I went to the police dept and was arrested, put in jail. It took 9 months, over $5000 to get it dropped. She told them she lied, etc The DA didn't care, all they wanted was another win on their list. I had to report to the State Nursing BOard and almost lost my license. All from a lie from a drug addict teen. OH Thinking about this again makes me pissed.

She will cause you more grief and heartache than you know when she is under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Please learn from my mistakes, let her go now if you can't get her in a treatment program. She won't change until she wants to and she is capable of destroying you both mentally, phycially, and emotionally! I only say this because I am the mother than hung on trying to help because I loved her. It did no good!

Sorry you have to feel this hurt and pain, I know it is unbearable and I am struggleing myself.
Prayers for you
susan
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Old 12-12-2007, 07:10 AM
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((HUGS)) Everyone above said some great things. Turn off the phone no reason to reward her for her horrible behavior your house your rules. It will only get worse. Everyone has a breaking point when pushed so far.
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Old 12-12-2007, 07:15 AM
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I agree with Bigsis. Your house your rules. I have been around many situations like this with my mom and my brother. Actually just the other day my brother told my mom to F off for no reason, my mom lost it, and slapped him, put her hands around his throat and told him "I will kill you with my bare hands, you have pushed me this far, I will kill you and sit in jail with a smile on my face"...and I think he got the fright of his life.

This addiction drives everyone to do things they would never do. You want us to tell you that your a crappy mom, but your not going to hear anyone here say yhtat. You are trying to help your daughter, you gave her rules, boundaries and she keeps breaking them. And for a moment you lost it, dont be so hard on yourself, we all have come to a breaking point in this addiction.
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Old 12-12-2007, 07:27 AM
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You did nothing horrible IMO. You lost it, but not over the phone. You lost it over her drug addict behavior and her lack of respect for you and the ongoing misery this young woman has caused you for a LONG time. The phone? Simply a trigger.

Shut that phone off. Change the locks. Move her out and if "out" is the street so be it. Her choices. Her actions. She owns the consequences.

Put her clothes on the porch with a note telling her you love her but cannot accept her behavior or her drug use in your home. Include a list of places she can go for help (from shelters to drug rehabs).

Change your phone numbers and then tget up, say a prayer for her and go and live your life.

Drugs have her. Don't let her addiction to them take down two people.
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Old 12-12-2007, 07:31 AM
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The only thing your post (and the entire episode) goes to show is that you are HUMAN. Period. Addiction makes everyone act insane...not just the addict. Everyone here has had a moment or two or twelve or sixty of absolute insanity. It just goes to show you (and all of us, really) that we are as sick as they are. Period.

Would you tolerate this type of disrespect from your daughter if she weren't an addict? Would you normally allow her or anyone else for that matter to DEMAND something they are not enitlted to ...to rifle thru your drawers...ransacking your room...threatening to break your phone in half if you don't give her what she wants?? She acted like a terrorist...plain and simple. Would you allow her to get away with this if drugs weren't the problem? Of course you wouldn't. Why, then, does the behavior become acceptable or something we have to tolerate just because they are addicted to drugs. IT doesn't.

Why not turn off service to the phone and put her out of the house? What would prevent you from doing this? Probably fear...but you can't save her...you can't make her get clean one second sooner than she is ready. She's the only one who gets to decide how low her addiction will take her. The same holds true for you, however, YOU are the only person who gets to decide how low her addiction will take you. If you don't protect yourself from the insanity, who will??

You aren't a bad mom.
YOu're just dealing with a really difficult sitaution.
Sending hugs and prayers...:praying
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Old 12-12-2007, 07:58 AM
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I am so sorry you had to go thru this, and I hate that you feel you are horrible.............your not your a mother whos at her end with tolerating the behavior of an addict.........you were sticking to boundaries and she didnt like it...............to bad for her
Your child was disrespectful and out of line all the way around......addict or no addict acting like a spoiled brat demanding what she wanted........its not acceptable behavior she was acting like a 2 year old........
I agree with the others turn off the phone, and maybe its time to set some different boundaries that protect you..............if she stays in your home and she acts out , I would call the police........because if you dont and it escalates the police will be called by her or a neighbor and then you will be the one in trouble................

hugs and prayers for you
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Old 12-12-2007, 08:29 AM
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(((sjr))))

You're not a bad mom....you just got pushed too far. You don't deserve this.

I agree with everyone above. I know your daughter is young, but she thinks she is "grown". I think it's time she finds out what being "grown" involves. And it doesn't involve doing whatever you want, regrouping at mom's, then going back out. It DOES mean having to deal with your consequences.


Sending you many hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 12-12-2007, 08:35 AM
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You are not horrible. You are human and I hope with time you can forgive yourself. Perhaps there is a lesson for you here. You do not deserve to
have AD terrorizing your life. It's time to let her go and send her packing with her insanity.
Hugs
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Old 12-12-2007, 08:46 AM
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(((sjr)))
Sorry you are going through this insanity. Please take care of you, your daughter isn't going to, sorry to say. Turn off the phone, I did it to my A, I was afraid of them running up the bill, or giving it away to someone else and having them run up the bill. Are you a crappy mom? If you are I'm sure so many of us are too for losing it with our Addict. You are only a mom who lost it to this insanity. Call her dad and tell him to come and get her things, since she can no longer stay at your house since she is still using. Pack her things, it will be hard, and give them to her dad. Change your locks and don't give her a key, if she gets in when you are not there call the police for her breaking in. Maybe she will learn she has to pay the price for doing what she is.
My heart is going out to you, I know it is hard to have a child disrespect you the way she is.
Take care of you, go to meetings, and do something special just for you, read, long hot bath etc.
Sorry if I sounded harsh or bossy, that is not what I am trying to be, just want this chaos over for you.
Hugs and prayers coming your way.
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Old 12-12-2007, 08:52 AM
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Ok. I'll say it. You DID do something wrong. You hit your daughter and you owe her a huge amend. Unfortunately, we stay blocked from God if we're going to use other people's behavior to justify our own. If you're "powerless", you need power. You can't afford to be blocked from that power.

How to proceed with your situation? I don't know. If you go into prayer and meditation and ask God to direct your thinking and to give you an intuitive thought, you will get your answer. You may not like it, though.

Good luck.
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Old 12-12-2007, 09:07 AM
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No one can walk in your shoes unless they have been there. Living with a child that is an addict is probably one of the hardest things a parent has to endure.

No one has the right to judge you or should judge you. You have reached your breaking point.....and we all have one.

The phone may have started the fight but the phone is not the cause of the fight. Her addiction is taking you to places you thought you would never go.
When she was born she didn't come with a booklet on how to raise an addicted child. You are doing the best that you can in the situation that you are in. You are trying to stick to the tough love way of doing things and it backfired on you. Remember there are no winners in this situation. Regardless of what you think she realizes that her behavior was as out of control as yours. She has to live with the fact that she is treating you badly.

My RAD tells me that she has a lot of guilt and regrets. When she was active in her addiction she numbed her pain. Now she knows what it is like to feel the pain of what addiction has done....and it is not pretty.

I used to tell her that I don't know who had it harder, me or her. She numbed her pain and I had to face it head on.

Don't beat yourself up anymore over this. Time will heal these emotional wounds for both of you. She needs you.....she'll be back. Just keep yourself grounded when she does show up. This is okay that she is gone, you need this time to regain composure. She would have gone anyway with or without the fight. You did not push her out.....she chose to leave. Whatever happens is not your fault......she made a choice.

There are not perfect parents and there are no perfect kids.

Hugs.............Lo
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Old 12-12-2007, 09:07 AM
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Awe honey...sometimes us parents have to get so deep in the crap befroe we realize that everything about the situation is out of our control.
For your own good, and your daughter's it may be time to close your home.

What would you say to your best friend, or a sister or brother who is experiencing this?

This may be your bottom, and it sounds like she's no where close to hers. Right now, addiction is pulling the strings and regardless of what transpires, she can access what she needs in the end...the freedom to pursue drugs.
Something has to change.

I know how hard it is for you

(((Hugs)))
Cece
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Old 12-12-2007, 09:34 AM
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Old 12-12-2007, 09:36 AM
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No words of wisdom, I think you just reached your breaking point. that does not make you a horrible mom or person. Please forgive yourself and move forward. She does not sound ready to get help yet, but you do. It is hard to leave the addict our of our lives, but I think you need to be away from the insanity. what if this happens again, and she does call the cops??
Hugs to you!
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Old 12-12-2007, 09:40 AM
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I agree with the above cut the phone off, an don't beat yourself up over it. If she does continue to live with you an ever starts acting like that again call the cops, don't tell her your calling just do it. That way maybe she's still be in a rage when they get there an they would do something.
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Old 12-12-2007, 10:20 AM
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I mentioned once that I had a very similiar situation with my daughter. I don't feel bad about it. Not one bit! I called 911 on my daughter. They sent an ambulance with the sheriff and when she continued to be obstinate, they took her to the ER to be drug tested, pumped her stomach and threw her little ungrateful, bullying ass in the mental health ward for 10 days. Best 10 days of my life!!!

I am not so sure if in NC you can legally kick her out since she's a minor without some sort of emancipation procedure but you sure can have her taken out.

Everyone here as given you really good advice about how to proceed to protect yourself and your assets. I don't blame you for jumping on her cause he needs to know who the boss is. You are the parent, you are the adult and she is the child and she wants to pretend to be grown by making demands, tearing up your house and grabbing your purse, you have a right to clock her. I'm sorry if that sounds bad but like somebody else said, if it were a stranger tearing up your house, demanding your new telephone or trying to take your purse of you, would you tolerate it? Certainly not. Your daughter is a stranger to you now and until she gets treatment, and I'm pretty sure you can force that issue since she is not 18 yet, or she wants treatment. Also, you may want to call the magistrate's office or DSS and ask them what you can do. Make no apologies - this is all for her own good. She is out of control and dangerous to herself and you.

Another consideration.....is she in school or has she quit? Does she have a driver's license? No driver's licenses for NC drop-outs! I'd put a call into DMV and give them a head's up if she's quit school and has a DL. They will get her eventually but I'd speed up the process and hit her where it hurts. Driving is not a right.

I think it's great that you held your ground on the urine test. That's a good strategy and a good boundary.

So did you mess up your nails when you popped her? I sure hope not. lol. What a waste of a good pampering!

Last edited by DevastatedJP; 12-12-2007 at 10:21 AM. Reason: spelling
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Old 12-12-2007, 10:28 AM
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Originally Posted by sjr View Post
last night was a horrible, terrible, ugly night. it all starts quite early, i got off work a little early last night and was going to go get my nails done. (trying to do a little something for me) my friend is a nail person and was gonna do them for free, seeing how i have little to no money right now. she was giving it to me for xmas....well, my daughter calls me on my way home, and says, 'can i have some money to go out and eat?'...i say sure, if you can do something for me...she says what... ,me "i need a clean drug test"...she knows the deal ...no clean drug test, no money. eat at home. that starts the yelling...you know i can't pass a drug test, i smoked pot like two weeks ago...i say well, if you pee in a cup for me and all you fail for is pot, i will give you money tonight to go out and eat, and then in two weeks when the pot is out of your system, you should test completely clean, and we will go from there...she again, yells & tells me i am stupid, blah,blah,blah...i'm like what is the big deal, i am giving you a shot here. to prove yourself. finally she says, well i am not sure if i will pass everything else...what else would you fail i ask...she says she took a perkaset (sp?) the other day...so now in my head i am thinking well if i get her to still test i can what else is in her system. i haven't tested her since my 2:00am trip to walgreens a couple of weeks ago....she pitches a fit won't test...i say well then no money, that is the rule....on to the good part,

i go get my nails done, come home....well, yesterday i got a new cell phone because they we're having a really good deal at my provider, and my phone though ok, not great. (i use my phone for work as well as personal). she hasn't had a cell phone in months. her's broke...(she throws it and all that stuff)...she noticed my new one, and wanted my old one. again i say, i can't give you that until i get a clean test...she gets in my face in a rage...telling me how she wants my phone, is going to have my phone. goes in my bedroom and starts to pull everything out of draws looking for it...i say you know all you are doing is making a mess and it isn't even in there....trying to stay calm at this point....she does this for a long time...my room is completely a mess now. she comes out and trys to grab my purse from me. i of course won't let her have it. she same purse i sleep with so she won't still my money and meds. she is fighting me over this purse. both phones fall out of the side pockets where they were and she says i'll break your new phone in half if i want to.

then...she grabs the old phone off the floor, i say give it back to me you can't have it...of course she says no...

now here is the really ugly part, i wan't even sure if i wanted to tell you guys because i feel like i am getting ready to be railed. but you all have been here for me through the other stuff lately, it would be a lie to leave it out.

so here goes....(deep breath)...i go to grab the phone out of her hand and she doesn't let go...she pushes me, and i snap. i literaly lost my mind. i hit her, not once but several times. she of course hits me back and i am now in a 'fight' with my daughter. this is not my nature, i don't 'hit'...i have talked about spanking in my last thread, yes, i spanked...that's the butt...this was a fight like two crazy grown women would. i finally come to my sences as i am on the floor with my child and get up...i tell her she can have the phone and use it to call her dad to come get her. she leaves.

i am honestly now sitting there waiting for the cops to come and take me to jail. she said she was gonna call them.i called a friend of mine...and said keep your phone close by i may need you to get me out of jail tonight, here's my mom's number in case you can't. i was getting prepared to go to jail!

the phone rings it's my mom, she had talked my daughter out of calling the cops she says...we talked for a while, it's around 2 am by then, i just sit up all night waiting...

the cops didn't come...and she didn't come home...

i don't know where she is right now...i can't believe i lost my mind like that
i feel like the BIGGEST LOSER PIECE OF CRAP MOM IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW!!!! i hit my baby...alot!!!

all over a phone???????? i had said i was going to turn the service off on it today, imo...she pitched a complete fit for it...she got it...same 'ole...my mom asked me not to. trying to keep the peace my mom is...

i don't know what to do now...i feel terrible, i feel like i hit some wall, i feel like i lost it, and i did.

so that is the long and short of my story for last night...i'm ready ...go ahead guys, tell me what ya think of the crappy mom that hits her kid...i deserve it and will take it.....s


You started off by giving her the power when you "Paid" her to not do drugs.
That little girl needs a reality check, she's got you wrapped around her finger.

I know how desperately you want to keep her clean, but as I've seen before

on this forum some of the Moms have gotten so intertwined with their kids

that they end up getting suicidal over it, over it escalates into things like this that turn into violence.

You hit your daughter and you think your a terrible Mom,
Not a terrible Mom, just a Mom and Daughter caught in the
insanity of a terrible addiction. I wouldn't let anyone push me,
nor should you. Had that been ME? I would have picked up the
phone and called the police first.

My Mom probably would have done the same thing, I don't know,
but there's no way in Hell I ever would have gotten away with
pushing my Mom.

I'm not saying what happened is right, but I'm saying your not a
bad Mom, beating up on yourself right now is counterproductive.
She's living in her drug induced head, don't go live there also.

Time to let that girl go learn some hard lessons some place else.
It's out of control where you are, and she knows she has the control
now, it's only going to get worse if you let her stay there.
And if you let her come back, your showing her you don't have
respect for yourself and your home, don't give her that message.
And don't do that to yourself.
If you do, your letting the drugs win and yourself down.

Gentle hugs to you my friend.... :ghug From all of us...

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Old 12-12-2007, 10:36 AM
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Originally Posted by frescacan View Post
Ok. I'll say it. You DID do something wrong. You hit your daughter and you owe her a huge amend. Unfortunately, we stay blocked from God if we're going to use other people's behavior to justify our own. If you're "powerless", you need power. You can't afford to be blocked from that power.

How to proceed with your situation? I don't know. If you go into prayer and meditation and ask God to direct your thinking and to give you an intuitive thought, you will get your answer. You may not like it, though.

Good luck.
Frescacan and Mae Unfortunately when we don't know the whole story behind someone's history it sometimes causes "Confusion".

Ultimately why we are on this forum is for support not to condemn if you feel so strongly to place blame, perhaps you should take your suggestions elsewhere.
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