TrishaV

Well, while sitting at work trying to accomplish everything that I have't accomplished over the past few weeks...the phone rings. It is my AD wanting to know what I am doing for my Grandson's (her son's) birthday. She informed me that she got him a present and wants to come to whatever we are having. Just the thought of her getting him a present from the money she made prostituting or selling drugs turned my stomach!! I told her that now wasn't a good time for me to discuss this because I was at work. She continued to say, where is the party going to be at. I finally told her that she wasn't going to be a part of it. Number one, I could tell that she was on something just by her tone and number two, she isn't walking in his life just to walk out again...and...of all days I wasn't going to let this happen was his birthday. Of course, I get the "I can't F'ing believe you, this is my son..song and dance. After that, I hung up the phone....of course waiting all night and cringing every time the home phone rang thinking it could be her.

I want so badly for her to become part of the kids life again. Eli (her son) still talks about her on a weekly basis. The other day he said, Grandma, I want my mom, I want to live in my moms house. I told him, I know honey but right now you are going to live with Grandma until mommy gets help. Then he said, after she gets help, I am going to build her a house because I will be big and strong. I am afraid by the time she gets the help that she needs, he will be big and strong and well into his teen years!! Lord help these little ones who never asked to be brough into a life of addiction!!

Jwife22

Its sad isn't it Trish.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this especially right around the holidays on top of Eli's birthday. Big hugs to you for doing the right thing. You are a strong woman. (((((trish))))))

lostparent

Oh Trisha that had to be so hard for you to do. Our Ad left when her son was 1 1/2 she came an went but was gone more than she was here. Since he was so young it was normal to him, he started calling his aunt mommy we tried to keep correcting him but it didn't work, she lives here with her kids they all call her mommy of course so he did too. When he was 3 AD moved back in an we had a time getting him to call her mommy. Well I wish we had never done that. Because now he won't even give his aunt a hug I think somewhere in the back of his mind he thinks she was his mommy an gave him away.
Of course since then she as been leaving an coming back. The past yr she was here most of in the mornings when he woke up. Then the last 3 months before she had the baby an went to jail, she had got back with his daddy again, an they were in an out a lot so he got to spend more time with her.
Now all we here is when is mommy coming home. We had to tell him she was in jail. So every night he when he says his prayers he ask God to "Please get my Mommy out of jail". All he talks about is mommy living here when she gets out, he is always saving things like cookies, cake an other things says they are for her when she gets out.
It is just so sad what they do to these kids. An I really don't think they realize it. I don't really have any advice but an sending prayers for all of you.

sleepygoat

Trish, this is only my opinion, so please take it as that and nothing more, becuase I don't think you are going to like my opinion.

I have an entirely different "take" on your daughter's call. When I think about an addict using any amount of money on anything other than more drugs, i think about the sacrifice they are making and how difficult I know it is.
My AD, just yesterday, asked what her stepdad an I want for christmas from her. I was touched, and had just that same thought - she's willing (at least in theory - we'll see if these presents ever materialize) to spend precious drug money on other human beings just to give them gifts. If she already bought the gift - don't make her return it and spend the $ on drugs now.

My second thought was, her son will be much more hurt and damaged by not having her acknowledge his birthday - he will be waiting for her to show up every single minute - than by where the money came from (which of course he need not know).

My third thought was, we don't punish our addict kids. (They suffer plenty all by themselves ). We do allow them to have their own consequences. I think (please, only my opinion) that not allowing her any access to her son on his birthday is much more a punishment than a consequence. Are you trying to get back at her for all the suffering she has caused you and is that what you really want to do?

Speaking as addict now (not just as the mom of an addict) I would have been devastated by that phone conversation. I would have thought,- 'here I'm trying to do the right thing by my son and my family won't let me. I might as well just use until I die.. blah, blah, blah.' Please don't forget the 'love' in 'Detach with love' and please try to recognize her efforts to be a human being, when she makes them.

Again, just my opinion,
sleepy

caileesnana

It seems like an almost no win situation. The only thing I believe 100% for sure is the safety and welfare of the children must come first.

prayers for you and yours and God intervenes,
susan:praying

lostparent

Sleepy...might have an idea there maybe if you explained to him she was there for his birthday then had to go back an get well. It's hard to say which way is better for him. Have you ever refused to let her see him before? Maybe you telling her that will make her take a look at herself.
If you do change your mind an let her be there, I don't think I'd tell him for a fact she was coming, since addicts have such a bad track record of showing up.

BigSis

There is no way to make his day perfect... and I don't know if any of us has perfect advice - but I do like the point that sleepy makes.


(((big hugs)))

pjbs55

Trish,
Maybe you could have her meet you someplace after the party and let her see your grandson for a little while. This way she is not part of the party, but still able to see her son, and him see his mom on his birthday.
No matter what you figure out will be hard, for all of you. Look at what is best for your grandson, and put your feelings aside. If you figure it is better to meet her someplace do it, or if you think you shouldn't it wouldn't be best than don't.
If it was me I would have a hard time figuring out what to do. Can you talk to someone you trust and ask for their advise?
Hugs coming to you, turn this over to your HP and the answers will come.

givemeabreak

TrishaV,
I found this site today after my 20 yr old son OD'd last night. He survived, and God forgive me sometimes I do not know if that is what is best. He suffers from addiction and mental illness, and everyone he knows suffers with him.
Yet I know how this works. God has given me 14 years recovery from Meth.

Trisha,
I left my son and daughter with my mom. In the beginning I chose to leave them so I could "party", and I would come back to crash. My son would beg me to stay home at night. He even kept a bag under his bed with food and clothes, in case he ever "had to come find me". He was only 2.
In the end of my active addiction I had not seen my children in months. They suffered from my neglect, and my son still feels the pain of it because I kept them with me TOO long, before my family took over..... and he witnessed my disease. Thank God that you are there to love and shelter your grandson and teach him to love his mother from a safe distance until the time she can return in a healthy way to his life.

Please know that your daughter loves her son. If my experience can speak, she is tortured by what she is doing. She wants to feel different, live different, be viewed differently by YOU and her son. But as you know, she must go through this. I wanted to die at times, but the addiction was stronger than my love. Now that is disease. When love for a child can be overshadowed by a need to use...... God help all who have abandoned the needs of their children, the caretakers who step in to meet those needs, and the children who suffer through it.
By the time I was done using I could not speak in full sentences, read or write. And today, I have had my children back for 13 years, own my own home, have a wonderful husband and I am a professional in the work place. Have hope! I was 30 when I got my life together.... never give up on her Trish.

Now if I can only learn to live with being the mom of an addict...............

Impurrfect

((((Trish))))

Just sending you hugs and prayers!

Amy

rahsue

I'm so sorry you have to watch the little guy go through this, You're a strong person and a loving grandmother. He's in good hands right now

hugs and prayers

bookmiser

(((((((((((Trisha))))))))))))

TrishaV

Sleepy,

Advice, opinions, hand-holding, a shoulder,to share tissues and obtaining different prespectives is the reason that I am here. As far as liking your opinion, I love it! I would like nothing better then to see Eli's face light up when he sees his mommy walk into his 4th birthday party. I would love nothing more than to see his big smile as he opens the present that she got him. What I can't deal with is the after affects all of this will have on him when she walks back out of his life back to the addict's life.

I never thought of the "present" thing as you discussed. You may be right, she may have given up some money to buy him a present...although..on the news, the Salvation Army just got robbed of their holiday gifts for the less fortunate children and now my mind is thinking that this was my daugther and the present she is coming with was stolen!

As far as Eli being more damaged by his mother not acknowledging his birthday, she wasn't with him last year on his special day either she never even called him and at that time, I was allowing her contact and visitation with her son. This was heartache number 100 for this poor child!!

You have me thinking on the punishment/consequences thing! Am I punishing her for being a addict...or am I trying to get back at her for the sufferring she has caused me. I don't beleive...now..I said..Believe that I am doing either of these. My grandson loves his mother very much, as do I, but I do not feel that I should allow her to turn his world upside down just so that she can see him or she can feel better. I have to think about how Eli will feel. Will he love to see his mother..of course...what will the after effects be when she leaves?

I can tell you, he will through a fit...crying and carrying on...this will not just last for an hour or so, it will go on for a very long time...weeks even. Do I care that I have to hear all this..?? Hear it no, seeing him heartbroken to satisfy her....yes! Sound resentful....could be! I cant' get past the fact that she would hurt her son like she has...I know, i know, it is the drugs and what they do to a person. That is fine, but when I laid down the law about her coming to see him "clean"....she couldn't do it. She couldn't lay down the pipe or needle long enough to be clean to see her own son. I am not talking entire recovery, I am talking STOPPING FOR A DAY!! She couldn't!!

Am I being selfish for me, no, I am being selfish for my grandson. This is suppose to be a happy day for him and I am in no way going to allow anyone, including his mother to ruin it ~~just to satisfy her! As far as her doing the right thing....the right thing is to see that you need help and get it, it is not walking in and out of a childs life for one hour so that you can hear him call you mommy! This child as well as every child of an addict didn't ask for this life, didn't know that they would be displaced because of someones addiction. I have to protect him first and foremost and if that means telling his mother that she is not invited to his party, then that is what I will have to do.

Beleive me, you have given me tons of food for thought. Maybe after reading the message from you over and over, something will make me change my mind. As for now, she is not invited but I will allow her to send her present with someone else so that he knows that his mother didn't forget about him. That is about all I can do at this point in time.

Please don't take my message out of context, I don't mean to sound pissed, rude or like I don't appreciate your views. I just dont' feel that my grandson should be put through anymore than he already had to endure.

Impurrfect

((((Trish))))

The posts on here made me think, too. I had to think back to when I was active and what I was "thinking". Although I understand sleepygoat's thread (and thank you sleepygoat!) it sounds to me that you are putting Eli first, and that's what is important. It sounds like you've given AD chances to see him and she's made her choice.

And just another thought.....we A's can use ANY situation to our advantage or disadvantage. AD can think #1- well, even if I try (buy him presents, offer to come home) mom won't let me see him so I might as well just keep getting high! OR #2 - mom won't let me see Eli unless I'm clean, so if I really want to see him, then it's worth it to stay clean for a day.

Whatever decision you make, I know it will be what you think is best for Eli and that's what's important. I'm just glad he has you!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

TrishaV

Beleive me...after sleepy's post, I have put a lot of thought into what I need to do, what is best for Eli and NEVER once did I consider sacraficing Eli's feelings just to appease her. Never once was I concerned over how not allowing her to attend the party would make her feel. Never once was I concerned when she hung up the phone she was probably crying. Mean and heartless, maybe...but...as stated, Eli is my first priority.

What if she does what sleepy said is right? What if because I don't allow her to be part of the party she decides that oh well, I tried and I will drug until I die because my family doesn't care. The sad part is, we care, we care too damn much to become part of her addiction. We care too much to allow her to have any more negitive effects on her children. We care too much to allow her to walk in and out of their lives like they are "convienences". These are children, children that will be affected by every aspect of their lives.

Yes,there are children that turn out okay when they are raised my addicts, but is that right? Is that the lifestyle any of us would like for our children or grandchildren? I am doing the best I know how and in all honesty, it never seems good enough. I protect these children from harm, harm their mother can and will cause them. Walking in and out of their lives will sooner or later affect these children and by-god it won't happen while I am alive.

Now, do I raised these children as my own? No, I raise them like a mother would raise their kids except they call me grandma. A grandma's job is wonderful if you don't have to play mommy to the children. No or very little disapline is needed and you can spoil and send them back home to their mom. Of course, i don't get to do that...so very often when I have to give my grandson "time out" or a stern talking to...i have heard on many occasions that he hates me and wants his mom. He and I talk about his mom all the time when he brings her up. Never once had I informed this child that his mother was an addict, I have only told him good things about her and that she is somewhere getting help to become a better mommy. Lies, yep, for the sake of my grandson and granddaughter - I will lie if it makes them feel that they weren't deserted for drugs.

Their mother has had ample opportunities to make things right with these kids. The first time is when i picked her up from DC and Eli was a new born. I brought her home and helped her set up house. From there she started in drugs and ended up in jail. I heard the...i am never going to do that again, I love my kids and want to be a good mom. She got out of jail and back into the life of drugs. It is just never ending!!

I am just so flipping clueless as to what is right and what is wrong, but I am doing what I feel is in the best interest of these two wonderful, loving children. Beleive me, I have read all the post to this message over and over and still one thing remains....I will never allow these children to get hurt!

lostparent

Trisha..Your one strong lady my hope is that someday I can be as strong as you are...

aztchr

Trisha,

Continue to be strong! My parents are in the same situation raising my 3 1/2 year old niece. My sister came back for one day and left again today to go track down the bf that just tried to get rid of her. My sister is 29 and in no shape to take care of a child. I hate the torn emotions my niece must feel when she sees her mom and then doesn't. She asks about her, too and if my parents try to reinforce the rules, etc. she gets angry and asks for her mom.

I'll pray for your daughter as well as my sister. Their children's prayers are answered by having loving, caring adults step in and do what's right for them!!

lostparent

It is hard raising Grandkids you have to disapline them an like Trish says they of course get mad like any child would....I know exactly what she means by wanting to spoil them an send them home. It's different than when you are raising your own kids.... There is nothing I'd like better than being a good old fashion spoiling Grandma .
I hope I can be as strong as she is in protecting mine....Because I know how hard this is for her.
Hang in there Trisha sending prayers your way.