ANGELINA243

I can relate to your friend--I tried to jump out of a moving car while on the freeway once when I was drunk--my boyfriend pulled me back inside the car.

Thank you for taking him to the hospital--it sounded like he needed to be there. And as far as him going to the hospital and promising to seek help afterward>then deciding not to go at the last minute--that's what I did--on more than one occasion (mostly because of fear.) One thing I don't understand is why you decided to drink with him the same day he got out of the hospital--kinda doesn't make sense--unless you may have the same problem as him>alcohol and/or co-dependency issues.

As for getting him sober--you can't. He must decide for himself and should ask/seek help on his own. You can point him in the right direction, but he has to do the work. Also, you mentioned that you may have a problem with alcohol--have you sought out any recovery groups for youself. You already qualify for Al-anon and may possibly be a candidate for AA. I'm not sure--don't know enough about your history to make assumptions. One thing I do know--only you can declare yourself an alcoholic (if indeed you are one)--no one can say that you are but you.

Zoey

Why not try attending some open AA meetings for yourself??

To me it is the greatest place ever. Do it for yourself and let him deceide what he wants. No way we can change anyone else.

Spiritual Seeker

Instead of trying to be his sober buddy get yourself some sober buddies.
Save yourself 1st. Are you home from college? Tell your parents you need some help.

CBrown

I am a follower. If I am in a situation where there is drinking, I'm going to drink (and tonight I have a drinking Christmas Party I'm going to!). If the others are going to church, I'm going too. I've found that I need to surround myself with people who are living the life I want to live. Why not try the same? My XABF and his drinking buddy were tag-teaming to see who could go lower. Unfortunately the XABF seems to be losing the fight big-time.

Spiritual Seeker makes a lot of sense.

Kindeyes

This is a good start. A really good start.

Just a note on the Alanon thing. I am not a religious person but I am a very spiritual person. One of the things that is stressed in AA and Alanon is that your higher power is what you choose it/him/her to be. When you look at it like that, the religious references are a little easier to swallow. I've heard some say that their higher power is their child (because the child gives them the strength to carry on). I've heard some say that their higher power is a friend (or loved one) they lost to this insidious disease.

The one thing that I love about Alanon is.....I take what I need and leave the rest.

gentle hugs to you on your road to find out.......

denny57

The woman who kindly steered me towards Al-Anon (it took her a year of driving LOL) is a double winner. She went to Al-Anon first and after a few meetings decided she needed to be in the "other room." After sobriety she made her way back to Al-Anon. Whatever it takes, recovery is a sweet road.

ANGELINA243

Hi Otis, in response to your question--Acceptance was key in dealing with my alcoholism. I knew for a long time I had a problem with alcohol, but it took years to admit & accept that I am and will always be an alcoholic.

My question for you--Who goes to the liquor store to pick up cigarettes only? How about a 7-11 or gas station instead--even though most stores now carry alcohol as well.

Again, you have no power over whether your friend will get sober or not. You need to focus more on yourself and whether you may need help.
It is easier to notice certain flaws in others especially if you may have some of those same flaws yourself. Just a thought--only you can answer that.

Wascally Wabbit

I know from my drinking days that I would get depressed as heck when I got drunk. Life seemed so miserable. Alcohol brings out the worst in people. Depression, anger, suicidal thoughts.
I got tired of feeling that way and waking up sick as a dog. I quit.
I can honestly say that life got a whole lot better for me without alcohol in it.

It sounds like he needs to see a professional doctor or therapist to help him work through what ever it is that's making him so desperate.

GiveLove

That's true, Otis. That's really true.

It's like cigarettes too...I have a friend who finally (after like a hundred tries) quit smoking, but she kept putting the money for a pack of cigarettes in her bank, every day. At the end of two years, with just that money, she put a down payment on her own house, the first one she ever had.

It's all possible. You just have to decide you're worth it. That you're worth the same kind of patience and protectiveness and tenderness you deny yourself so you can give it to your friend.

For what it's worth, I think you are worth all of that and more. Who else is going to give it to you?

hairgirl

What you are experiencing is a very co dependent relationship.I have had a few, and they are not very healthy.I think you are at a stage where you will justify your actions to anyone who doesn't agree with them.You cannot save your friend, you will only continue to spiral down yourself.Nobody is saying you cannot care for him, just care for YOU first.Co dependents always want to save someone else.It is our nature.
You are going to do what you want, and if you cannot manage to stay away from alcohol yourself, after commiting to not drinking- maybe you should get help.The spirituality of 12 step programs is not a requirement.The only thing you need to worry about is having a desire to stop drinking, that is the only requirement to join AA.The rest comes later,way later.

GiveLove

P.S.

A really great book (which most of us out here have read) is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It has been a lifesaver for millions of people in exactly your situation. You can get it through the library or on abebooks.com for about a dollar.

love2store

I think you need to help yourself first b4 you can even try to help someone else. I also think that you took the first step by saying your a alcoholic,maybe you should take the 2nd step.

Just my thoughts .

shakarris

You can really only do for you.. you know where you stand and what you want. Now what do you want to do about it.

Keep reading and posting you will get support and caring here.

shakarris

ICU

Where do you draw the line?

I have learned that I have choices! If I find myself in a dangerous situation, I will do the best that I can to get myself out of it. And, yes, my friend too.

However, if I knew that my friend had a history of this kind of behavior, such as your friend does, I would not put myself in the same position with the same friend again. If that means not being with my friend when he drinks, then so be it! I can choose what I will and won't do, where I socialize, and where I don't, who I socialize 'with', and who I don't!

Keep coming back and asking questions, for that is how we learn! Oh, and welcome to our forum Otis, glad to have you here with us.

Kindeyes

Where do you draw the line. That's such a good question.

I use to do whatever I could to try to keep my son from getting arrested. I would lie awake all night until he got home (as if my lying there awake would prevent him from a run in with the police). I would beg. I would plead. I would try to reason with a person whose brain was so altered by drugs and alcohol that he was unable to reason. I thought that getting arrested for a DUI would destroy his life and would be the most awful thing that could happen.

Well. It happened. He survived. I survived.

You are already taking some very important steps to answer the question of where to draw the line. For me, I begin to realize where the line is by tuning in to my own feelings. If it's making me feel bad, I'm probably over the line.

daddyslittlegir

Hey Otis, I'm about to be 19 next feb, so i'm about the same age but my issue is quite different, my dad is what my family calls a functioning alcoholic. It still hurts when someone close to you seems to be in so much pain and you have to try and understand you can't lift that for them.

It sounds like you really want to change which is good because for a long time we'd tell my dad he was killing himself and ask him what he was going to do and he'd shrug and say nothing.

You cant make anyone stop drinking, no matter how much they care about u if they arent ready they will always choose the bottle over you, so know this, and don't let it hurt u like it has hurt me. We reached out to dad SO many times and he ignored us, his own family, who he is responsible for, so believe that your friend can stop drinking and help him to belive himself but if he doesnt want to then he wont, especially when his lifestyle facilitates it so easily, it sounds like he has very little responsibility which means the factors that bring problems to a head wont come up for a while.

Also going to the book store and reading up is a good step but like my dad you need to change your habits, when you are in a situation you'd normally drink in it'd b a lot harder not to drink. The AA meetings are a great step, you can be that one person for him not to drink with rather than him saying just like you did oh well i'm the only one not drinking. I honestly believe you are stuck in a pattern, same friends, same places, same hobbies (drinking), like u said your lives revolve around beer. Don't ditch the friends, but maybe distance yourself from them a bit to avoid temptation while u r still getting strong, and if u do see them do different things with them, perhaps plan to meet for a purpose other than drinking.

I admire your need to protect your friend but you must be so so tired, with your own problems and now his, as much as u feel u should try and take this on, and you've automatically been put in that position just know that just like your friend is putting himself first, you need to as well when you can, cos if he's looking out for him and your looking out for him who's looking out for you. Perhaps if you take away your companionship when it comes to drinking he'll just find another drinking buddy who can then take on that responsibility or god willing sober up....

daddyslittlegir

Also another thing i found when getting off codeine, (did that all by myself) is that you slip up, u know you're like 10 days no drinking or 10 days no codeine and then something happens and you cave, but dont let that be the kind of cave where u think one slip it's all over, keep going, don't let it be an excuse to start drinking again. I slip up sometimes with the codeine, but i know its a slip not a relapse, because if i keep going, just like you with the alcohol, then every pill, every sip, undoes all your good work. I won't detox again, the withdrawals were too bad, just remember u can slip up, but dont go back to square one....