What do you do?

Old 12-11-2007, 06:03 PM
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What do you do?

Your a-(d,h,bf,s, w, so, etc.) is going through the thick of it with w/d's.

What do you do ?

My abf is at his place.. and going through detox... cold turkey on his own. I might seem him this weekend... and I know he will still be in the thick of it... trouble is... i have no idea what to expect. I"m conditioned to know he is going through this, but he used to say it was depression... but I knew it was w/d's... now he has come clean about it being withdrawals.

SO, what I'm asking is... do I have meals prepared for him and things planned for us... or do I plan on just hanging out because he will be in bed or on the couch? We have been invited to a party on Saturday night though.

OH ... and I don't have the kids this weekend... so that will help.

I think a hot bath would be good..
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Old 12-11-2007, 07:13 PM
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Well, since he will be coming over from being out of town... couple hours away... what I am doing is spending time with him... It will have been a couple weeks from seeing each other.

I have a party to go to... and of course he is invited too...

I agree about the "what am I doing for me" ... but when he is coming in from out of town... I feel that it should be "our" weekend.

I want to help him.. look after him, he is feeling so badly right now... this is the first time he has come clean to me....

It just feels like the right thing to do.... what I want to do.

BUT .. for me... what am I going to do? I don't know... I'm stuck on what are "we" going to do........
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Old 12-12-2007, 05:24 AM
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Well my RAH detoxed and withdrew in our house, in our bed and I didn't do crap for him. He put himself into the mess so he could deal with it.

Its up to you what you want to do for him and how much you want to do for him. Its not our responsibility to do anything for them, they are adults and can handle themselves but I understand where you are coming from.

(((abundance))) I hope you have a good weekend.
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Old 12-12-2007, 05:40 AM
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dont do for him what he MUST do for himself.

Dont enable.
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Old 12-12-2007, 08:18 AM
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Like a wounded animal ... let him lick his wounds and take care of himself. He is w/d from drugs (a substance he put into his own body fully knowing it was not good for him) He did this all by himself and he has to w/d all by himself. No need to pamper or make every thing all neat and tidy for him. More then likely he is not going to want to do anything but hang out at your place or if he does go out with you he won't want to be out very long. w/d's are not very fun ... Maybe it would be best to put his visit off until he feels better and for you to just go out and enjoy yourself this weekend without having to tiptoe around withdrawals? I have been through withdrawals a few times myself and with other people and honestly .. generally when in withdrawals a person tends to take it out on those around them ... and everything just turns out to be one big argument and battle rather then a fun filled time for all.

However, if you both insist on spending time together this weekend .. maybe you could ask him if he is going to feel up to going to the party or other things you might have planned.

In my humble opinion withdrawals are not a time to cater to the addict cause in his head it simply cosigns the addiction and sends a odd message to the addict. It is not like he got into a car "accident" and needs to be nurtured back to health .. he did this willingly and knowingly to himself. His addiction belongs to him .. the detox/withdrawals belong to him as does his recovery ...

I understand what you are trying to do .. since he is coming from out of town and you want to do things with him that he will enjoy and just have a good time ... though it is hard to have a good time when going through w/ds

I hope all turns out as you hope

******{Hugs}}}}
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Old 12-12-2007, 12:28 PM
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I see what you guys are saying... it's an association thing... but the thing is ... is when he has been here and going through WD's... grant it, he was pretending it was the flu... and would magically appear better in a couple of hours, (which is how I'm conditioned) - that i was so bitter and annoyed and didn't look after him. In fact, I would get really annoyed that he would come down and be sick. SO... because of my being annoyed he would go and use again... so he was good company. YES, he was lying about it.

SO ... i want to give him TLC so he associates it with being honest.

But honestly... I'm a bit annoyed. I've got the for real flu... and I have a few times since knowing him, and he has NEVER looked after me... Yes.. he lives long distance, but still... he could have come down to help me or just be with me.

I'm debating to say he should not come down at all this week... I want to show him my support... but a week ago.. I was so strong and detached.. and now I'm right back to being worried about him!

Last night he was asking if it were okay to take a vic or split a 30 oxy over 4 days! He wishes he had thought this through and not done it cold turkey. Well he is 9 days clean... but still struggling with wds.

He goes back and forth still if he really wants a sober life. WTF ??? I can't hand hold him when he is thinking that way, but at the same time... I'm a hypocrite because I just want honesty!

Guys... I don't know ... there are times where I just want to be selfish and detach... even though I love him, but I'm scared that I might not know him as being sober... like for more than a month.

My inner child is screaming at me to leave and to not turn back and to totally detach and more on ... but I am not doing it. Can love really be that powerful?

Plus I'm sick and depressed from it all... so I feel like I"m not in the position to make any decisions.

I'm sorry for being so long winded....
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Old 12-12-2007, 04:32 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
please listen to that inner voice......love would never allow us to stay in an unhealthy situation.......love would want what is best for EACH person and for EACH person to follow their own path, whether it leads them in the same direction or not.......love FREES us, it doesn't hold us captive.......
Anvil ... thanks for taking the time with that... I am text book codie. And here I am thinking I'm in recovery myself! HA!

I did say last night to him, that if he does relapse that that he has to let me know. OMG... I sound so fricking pathetic. Chances are he is going to!

WHY am I doing this to myself? Why am I caring so gawd damn much?

I'm scared he is going to go back to it. I'm so wrapped up in it... it's like his reality captivates me... and I so lose sight of my own reality.

I don't even take drugs and I feel as though I do... does that make sense? But w/out the high of course. I just suffer the after math. I mean.. what the hell am I signing myself up for? What if he doesn't stay clean? I'm scared to talk with him today, because I think he is going to be down and out and or god forbid he will be happy, which worries me, cause then I think he has used!
He was supplying for about 4 other people... by going to other suppliers... and was the key man in helping others get some too... and I'm sure he is getting phone calls from all these people! It makes me want to take his phone away and tell these idiots to leave him the FRUCK alone! To GET A LIFE!

The funny thing is... I am the one who needs to get a life!

WHY didn't I just walk away when I saw him snort that sh!t for the first time... did I think I could handle it? I guess so... and now I'm just so far sucked in.

I am not one to hate... but I really hate myself right now for being such an idiot! How could I let myself fall in love with a man that does drugs... how could I do that to myself? The sad thing about it is I don't even know him sober... off drugs! I HATE those drugs... I HATE opiates... I HATE the lies... I HATE that I can't trust.

I HATE that he is going through these wds... and he has done it before... and that he has made the choice to keep putting himself in the withdrawals.... I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT! It's such a quick consequence... quick turn around from feeling good to bad... WHY DO IT?

The way I know I can make myself feel better... is by leaving... by saying goodbye... but I can't do it... I'm not doing it. HE IS MY ADDICTION.


I'm sorry... I'm just crying here and not knowing what to do with my own life... and I read everyone's stories on here... and those of you that have addicts as children... my god... my heart breaks for you.
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