Penny2008

AH left 2 weeks ago after he started AA. Said he needed to deal with all the pain he has caused me and others that he did not deal with prior to joining AA. He wasnt' sure about if he should be married to me or anyone. (He has been sober for almost two years but joined AA in Sept 2007).

He moved out and rented a room. He calls me daily to tell me about his meetings. He sounds upbeat. He does not want to close the door on any future reconciliation. He says he still loves me but needs to figure things out.

Should we be having no contact at all? I am at a loss. I feel like I am in limbo land and I am supposed to wait until he decides what he wants to do.
Should I cut him off until he makes a decision? I just don't know what to do?:puppet

I do go to Al-Anon, but everytime I try to speak, I cry uncontrollably...so lately, I have just been listening and taking it all in at the meetings.

Thanks

Barbara52

What you should do is what is comfortable for you and what meets your needs. Does it help you to stay in contact with him? If not, tell him so and try no contact for a while. If yes it helps you, then do it to whatever extent you feel comfortable with and is helping you.

Its time for you to concentrate on your needs. If you aren't sure what those needs are, be patient with yourself and take the time necessary to figure it out.

Should you wait for him to decide what he wants to do? Only if that is what you want, not him. You are going thru a horribly difficult time. Be kind to yourself and put yourself first. Take this time apart to figure out what you want going forward. Not what you dream of, not what you think he might want. What do you want for your life?

Wascally Wabbit

Ditto on Barb52
For me, it's about how much I can stand before I make a serious decision.
I realize that people who are alcoholics or drug addicts are the most manipulative people on earth. So, just keep that in check, and make sure it's what YOU want.

ARealLady

Should I cut him off until he makes a decision?

I have been right where you are, Penny, and "limbo" is a horrible place to be. My estranged-nonA H and I were legally separated "in house" for over a year. I was walking on tiptoes around him wondering most days what the heck we were playing at. Things began to change for me when I decided I needed to be honest with myself and that meant I had to be honest with other people too. Estranged-H moved out and I finally consulted a lawyer in order to get myself a better separation agreement. Individual counselling also helped me see that I could survive on my own if my marriage couldn't.

So......focus on your personal survival now....a lawyer can advise you as to your legal rights and a counsellor can work with you to help you deal with the emotional turmoil. Boundaries are also good for you right now....you don't have to talk to your H every day if you don't want to and especially if his calls to you upset you.

(((((Penny))))))))

ARL

Penny2008

Thanks. I enjoy his calls (most of the time). When he tells me about his AA friends and things he does with them ( go for coffee, play cards) that is when I feel the worst. Feel like I have been pushed aside/replaced.

We talked about my feelings and he said that he does not mean to make it sound that way and he is not pushing me away.

I just don't understand how working on things alone, renting a room from strangers and living in their house is better than living in our house and working on things together.

Maybe it is the inability to control that bugs me? I am definitely grateful to Al-Anon and how much I am learning.