Beautiful

Are A's more angry when you are nice to them or mean to them??

Because of my children, I have to stay in the marital home until it is sold. In our state, neither person can be made to leave. I am kind to him and treat him like a grown up. To my face my dry AH is sweet, sweet, sweet but behind my back I hear him talking to whoever will listen and he is UGLY *to* and *about* me.

I am told that there will be a period of "honeymoon" followed by a period of complete anger and lashing out in my direction.


True??

GiveLove

Depends very much on the person. You will have to think that through -- how has he reacted to life stresses in the past? When the chips are down, does he get better or worse to live with?

I would be faithful to myself. Be tactful, honest, and very very fair. Be yourself if you can, and be what you have to be if you can't.

No offense intended, beautiful, but he sounds like a very disrespectful person and I feel you deserve better than that...I hope you do too....

LaTeeDa

I would say they get more angry towards whatever or whomever is perceived as a threat to their addiction and/or lifestyle. It doesn't really matter whether you are nice or not, if you are backing away and disconnecting from their addiction, they will likely be angry.

Above based on my opinion only,

L

Beautiful

He is disrespectful -- and, really, always has been since I stopped viewing him as the center of the universe (about 3 years). I posted a few weeks ago about Must Everyone be Sick?? and I got to thinking about the replies. What I realized is that our lifestyle had grown to be about keeping he/his disease flourishing while we all suffered. It was never so apparent as when he told the Friend of the Court that he wanted them to issue an order for me to pull our children out of preschool, "Is it a LAW that they go to preschool???" I started to chuckle inside when I saw the court officer's face. I bet she *thought* she had heard it all......

My girls and I are planning a fantastic future - one that will yield peace and happiness. I can hardly wait!!!! Poor or rich in finance, I will be the wealthiest woman in the world!!!!

I also have found that, since I filed for divorce, every day someone crosses my path that gives me a word of encouragement or shares an intimate thought about a life experience of their own. Some of these people I don't really know and so it has been a double blessing.

I am really curious to know how long a person can keep up the facade of being nice to my face while just hateful to my back?

GiveLove

I will be curious too. It depends on his chaotic inner world, and the way he thrashes around emotionally. With my ex, it took until I was gone. With others, it doesn't take long at all, especially if they are accustomed to getting their way. Is he the baby in his family?

How will you react, if & when he lashes out at you? Do you have a plan?

Astro

I think both of my ex's would say that I'd have kept it up for as long as they allowed it. For my first wife it was 2 years, for my second it was almost 11 years. As long as I could get away with it, I continued to exhibit the behavior.

I'm not sure my actions were hateful, but I can see how they were interpreted that way. I'm very passive-aggressive, I lashed out in a covert manner as a defensive mechanism when I felt my addiction was being questioned or threatened. It was my way of feeling powerful and trying to make my partner feel less than. Like I already mentioned, it worked until they'd finally had enough.

SaTiT

It depends..alcohol is scientificly test that at certain stage
of a drunk a person will get violent. That's why you get typical
bar fights and bouncers at bars.

it's a combination of everything, poor health, not eating right,
no proper rest, being hung over. Just this alone will get any person
in an irrable state.
Then you get the addictive craving going..so an active alki
is always in a withdraw state, when not drinking.

So in general alcohol comsumption is hot healthy.
yeah...it helps the heart...excersizing helps the heart too.
To justify alcohol consumption becuase it helps the heart is total
BS by the industrie's experts. Who fund these types of reserch ??

then there's just becuase the person is abusive and have memtal
and emotional problems. I need not do anything wrong for my father
the pick on me. obviouley if he has a big ass head from drinking from
the previouse seesion...i better walk gently, not make any noise,
everything better in it's proper place according to him which is
not so damn proper to begin with.lol

My agf enters a violent stage much quicker..usually after
being beligerent. And of couse if you confront an active alki on
such matters...it's WWIII especailly if they're in the craving stage.
She act the same as my father of coures after a drunk being hung
over or whatever state she's in.

A combination of it was acceptiable behaviors or they got away
with it..the meaness or adbrasiveness continues. it gets progressive
worst..as in the drinking.

That's been my experince with the alkis in my life.

Barbara52

The simple answer is as long as others will listen. And as long as you tolerate it.

I'm sorry he is making life so difficult for you. But this too will end.

Beautiful

Yes, baby of 5. A late baby, at that, with a very domineering dad and a very passive mom. Passive-Aggressive? Yes, that as well.

I won't react. I carry my cell on my hip, a full tank of gas in my car, and clothes and such are at my parents' house should I need them. I'll very gently put my kids in the car, dog in the car, and me in the car.

If I have to react it'll be to dial 911 on my way out.

I think it's the non reacting that's driving him insane as well as more people than not have told him to get his sh*t together. Since he doesn't like their answer he just moves on to the next ear...

Barbara52

It sounds like you are handing this as best as can be. Its not easy for sure but you seem to have thought it out and made the necessary plans.