2nd Alcoholic Husband worse than the 1st

Old 12-10-2007, 07:48 PM
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2nd Alcoholic Husband worse than the 1st

I am now on my second AH and this one makes the 1st look like an angel. He drinks every night and smokes pot. He belittles me, curses at me, calls me horrible names, spends zero time with me. The only thing he does is work, start drinking on the way home and go to bed by 8. He told me tonight I am the worst wife a man could have because I won't sleep with anymore. I can't smell that sick alcohol breath . He hates himself truly. His 3 biological kids dont' see him at all anymore. His family enables him beyond belief. They give him money and get him out of all situations caused by alcohol. He thinks I am the biggest bitch on the face of the earth because I am finally standing up to him. I am a new realtor and have always supported our family - always. Now - he is having to pay family bills and he is so resentful. We bought a house and are stuck with it for 4 years due to some crazy owner financing. I moved my son to a new town - he hates his school- hates being yelled at by step Dad. Hates knowing how unhappy I am. I do my best to live my life with my sons and my dogs and ignore him but we have been told when he gets home we have to leave the den as it is his. We have to be quiet when he goes to bed by 8 sometimes earlier. He criticises us non stop - makes racist comments knowing my son has many multi cultured friends. I can honestly tell you at this point - I wish he just would go away - I don't care where. I am not in a position to leave - I have this huge mortage- car payment - new real estate career- you know how that is with this market. I am stuck and want to know how to deal with a raging alcoholic who is angrier and more beligerant by the minute. Tonight he said " You need to shut the f*%k up" you w*$(e.". I am honest, never done anything to dserve that - he told me tonight he was quitting paying family bills as I should pay more as it was my son who lived here. For years I paid 70% or more of the bills and now am paying 50% but he says I have stolen his soul and he is sick of it. I am at a loss.
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Old 12-10-2007, 08:35 PM
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Personally I'd get him arrested for drugs, get a restraining order, and get him the hell out of there come what may. You can't keep going on like that and you cannot allow him to abuse your child any longer.

I am sure you worked hard for your RE license, but imo you are going to have find another job and do RE on the side for now. You must be pretty smart to have gotten your license - you can certainly find an office job that will help you stand alone. Rent out part of the house, sell things, clean houses on the weekend. What hell of financial malestrom could possibly be worse than how you are living?

And next time he tries to kick you out of the den challenge him to make you move. I hope he starts pushing you around and you can get him arrested and get an order of protection. What a stinkin *****.
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Old 12-10-2007, 08:45 PM
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RHS,

Just be very careful. It sounds like your AH's anger and frustration is mounting. You and your son certainly don't deserve to be abused or spoken to in that manner - no one does. Perhaps you can contact an abuse hotline... they might have some good information and resources for you.

Are you able to go to Al Anon meetings? Some meetings have an Ala teen meeting at the same time.

Hugs
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Old 12-10-2007, 09:41 PM
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I'm rethinking my response in light of catspajamas' more reasonable post.

I ran off at the mouth (keyboard?) because I am angry on your behalf. Of course, I do not know this man or how dangerous he might be. Talking to a domestic violence hotline may very well be the right way to go. I just want you and your son to be safe and free from this terribly cruel harassment that no one deserves.
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Old 12-10-2007, 10:51 PM
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Thinking of you. I remember living with a raging alcoholic, and it was no fun. Everything was so much work! The minute I threw him out, my life opened up and became so much easier. Throwing out somebody is virtually impossible... I spent a huge amount of money to do it, but I was ready to leave myself with the children and the dog and check into a women's shelter. Life was so hard with him in the house... I couldn't cope with basic things. Now, that he's out of my life, people ask me: "How do you cope alone with two small children, a big house, shoveling snow, and a job?" Life is actually much easier without being abused mentally and emotionally. It's amazing the energy you have after the negative sickness is out of your space. Good luck to you... see if you can move out. Take care of yourself and your son. Leave the mortgage to him. Enjoy your new career. Make money for you and your child. Any dime you spend on that man will be wasted.
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Old 12-11-2007, 12:19 AM
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If you can get out, do so now! Of course, I understand that sometimes it is very nearly impossible. I will tell you that my father relapsed when I was very young. My mom grew up with an alcoholic father and is incredibly codependent. My dad makes very good money, and my mom always stayed home. Neither had a college education. At eight I remember my mom crawling into my bed with my and crying because of my dad and his actions. She told me that night that she would leave him if she could take care of my little sister and I on her own. My sister and I transferred from a private school to a public, my mom worked part time as a bookkeeper, and the craziness continued. I feel that I am where I am today because of my mother. She focused so much on learning about herself, addiction, etc. She encouraged us to read books about it, shared information she got at therapy and Al Anon, and was always there to help us understand. Ten years after that night in my bed, my mom had secretly saved up enough money to rent a house and help us to live off of for a year. She finally set up an intervention with my dad (having a plan and the means to carry it out). Needless to say, my father got the picture that day and has been sober again for a year. The point is though, that even thought we never did get out, my mom worked so hard to try to keep us all safe, both physically, and mentally and emotionally. Sometimes that is all you can do. Guard your heart and mind, and your sons too. Find support in whoever you can. I will be praying for you.
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Old 12-11-2007, 01:34 AM
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Unhappy

Thank you for your words. I know I need to end it. He is horribly abusive and I am awake tonight trying to think of 1 redeaming quality that he has. He can be very funny when he is sober. He can be nice to my kids when he is sober. That is pathetic - oh yea- he remodeled our house and worked very hard. He told me tonight we are not even in the same realm - my work and his - my work is candy a*s. It is not my fault he did not go to college or get a trade so he doesn't have to work manual labor - which he hates. It is his choice. I told him we could send him back to college. He says "FU".

Nothing Chris and I do is good enough which is funny because Chris made the basketball team in a new town at a horrible school, he is making friends and made honor role. I have been working very hard at all hours of the day- I had my first 2 sales and have lots of leads. I can make it and make it good in this business - I could work part time some where but I have no place to go . I have 2 dogs - a son in college that I am paying for along with my son. My mortgage is in my name - we have credit cards - we remodeled this river house and knew that for 4 years or so - we would have to stay here. He told me he would never let me stay in this neighborhood much less this house - these are his people. I told myself I could do it for 4 years but what for. To be belittled by someone who everyone who has met him says I am so much better than. He claims I am uppity - because I won't get hammered and high. Claims I don't like his pot head friends - which never come here - I hold firm about that . He even told me he hates me and to quit acting like his Mom who never Mom'ed him at all.

How do I detach until I get my ducks in a row. We do nothing together. I read someones brain damage post and I swear he has it. You are talking to a damaged person - lights not on. Years of abuse must do that. He told me tonight he would not contribute to our family bills anymore. Ever since we have been together I have mainly supported this family - his parents helped his end. His last wife supported him too. Even getting this business started I have made what he makes and we have shared expenses. He says that is not good enough. Why not? He says he says he renovated the house and should be able to keep his money for him. WTF? I truly hate him - I feel sorry for him - I love him sometimes - I love having someone but I don't have anyone. I can't call him if I need something - he cuts his phone off when he goes to bed at 7:30 or 8 so If I am showing a house and have trouble - tough. If my car breaks down - he won't pick up- I got stranded in a bad part of town cause he was drunk and could not get me. He told me I was obligated to have sex with him as I took vows. I told him - you be with someone to show them you love them not out of obligation. He says he will get it somewhere else. I have become so accustomed to his sickness and asking his family for help I am sick of myself. I tell nobody I know out of shame and they all warned me. My older son will be home for 1 month this week! YAY! He won't come after me or Chris when he is here. I will sit the boys down and talk with them. I have nowhere to go- I can't lose my dogs - they are family! He actually is jealous of my greyhound who I am mad about. I told him - I am close to him as he is kind, smiles when I get home - spends time with me and walks with me. My dog is more of a husband than he is. He told me I was the worst wife a man could have and no man would ever be with me. I am a fairly attractive woman - am selling $600, 000 homes so I have to look the part of a successful agent. He tells me he knows I am having sex with men in the neighborhood. I told him I was shocked a man could talk to his wife like that. He says all this is my fault if I would not nag - there would be no problems. This house is not really mine - I don't care about it -. I sold most of my furniture as we down sized to be on the river where our boat is. He said that is his too - all those checks I have written mean nothing. He says before he met he had no debt and I have ruined his life. He lived at his parents extra house for free - his Dad bought him a boat and his grandma bought his car. What the hell was I thinking. What a loser - that must make me a loser.
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Old 12-11-2007, 02:23 AM
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No you are not a loser. Do not be so hard on yourself. I know when I married my A, a very different tale was told than what was reality. Unfortunately I met reality when we got married. That is when the true colors came out. Mine told me I was a NAG and that all I did was nag and if I would just not NAG things would work. Alcoholics are sooooo good at putting blame on other people and taking no responsibility for themselves. You are right where you need to be. You have to take care of yourself so you can take care of your kid(s) and dogs. You are not a loser.
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Old 12-11-2007, 05:31 AM
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The 2nd one? You know they say the 3rd one is the charm, but we don’t need that do we?

Let me ask you, have you been to Alanon? The reason I ask is because it gave me a strong look at myself and got me thinking on why I choose such a person to be with. I strongly suggest this.

Yes you need to leave this pit. You can do it no matter what is ahead of you.
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Old 12-11-2007, 06:06 AM
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Breathe. Take a few deep deep breaths.


Let's deal with some basic truths, sweetie.

1. You are not whatever he is calling you. (Personally, I think that people who wind up with alcoholics are very kind people--they have to be saints to deal with the A in their lives.)

2. You are not going to be able to change this man (only he can do that).

3. Greyhounds are the best (I have three). (Just threw that in to make you smile.)

4. You need support and you are reaching out here because you know that already.

Others have said this but I will repeat it because it is worth repeating. Alanon is a group of people who have dealt with what you are dealing with. They can share their stories and demonstrat how they survived. There are also Alateen groups to help your son cope with his A stepfather. There are Family Alanon groups to help you both.

Learn. The one thing that really hit me is how the behaviors of alcoholics are all so similar. They lash out because they know what they are doing, they hate what they are doing, and they can't stop. They despise themselves for the crappy things they do and we (family) are constant reminders of how terrible they are. If you feel you cannot leave (and that is a decision only you can make), you need the coping skills to stay.

Little coping skills that I use.

When my A son says horrible things, I tell myself "That is the disease talking--it is NOT the person I raised and love."

When he gets arguementative, I tell myself "I cannot argue with a disease and I cannot argue with someone who is making absolutely NO sense."

When he starts his rants, I don't say a word (waste of breath), I just walk away.

These little things help me feel that I have control of me because I have alsolutely no control of him and no control over his drinking. But I do have a measure of control of my environment. Even that little bit of control feels good. Really. Be good to YOU. You deserve that.

And consider finding a good Alanon group. They will wrap you in their compassion and help you begin to heal. If you don't feel comfortable with the first group you try, try another one.....keep going back until you find the support you so desparately need. There may be some people there that you can't relate to, there may be people there that you don't agree with, there may be people there that you do not like BUT there WILL be someone there you can connect with......take what you need and leave the rest. That's ok.

The literature that they have at Alanon is also wonderful. If you can't go to the meetings as often as you'd like, get the books. You may not "get it" at first. I sure didn't. But slowly it starts to sink in.

Gentle hugs to you.
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Old 12-11-2007, 07:01 AM
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welcome redheadedsusie

some basic thoughts. if his name is not on the deed to the house and he is not paying or contributing to the household -really- it doesn't sound like he is benifiting you in any way being there. i think it would be MUCH easier to have him removed since his name is not on the deed. you could get a free consultation with an attorney to help you with this aspect. please, start exploring your options, so you are armed with knowledge.
the advice an atty. gave me was the minute ah is abusive call the police-start a paper trail- then you will be able to get a restraining order leading to him being removed.
as far as the sex thing - been there-heard all that! marriage does not mean an obligation to sex. marriage is an obligation to love-which your ah is not fullfilling his end of the marriage vows. my ah had said he would not sign papers for me to get my car settlement money unless i had sex with him. i told the attorney-recorded him saying this. the atty. sent him a letter and wouldn't you know he then agreed to sign the papers without the "must have sex" clause-lol.

i also recently called the police on ah because he became abusive with our cat. please, if he is jealous of your greyhound. please watch him closely. ah never thought i would call the cops-NOW he knows that i will. he has not been abusive since.

take care of yourself honey. start doing for yourself. do things that you enjoy. spend time with family and friends. this is soo important to getting yourself back and happiness.

alanon will be very helpful. it was when i started asking the really hard questions of myself -like how i ended up where i am in life -that i really gained knowledge of myself and began to heal.
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Old 12-11-2007, 07:52 AM
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Good Advise

I agree with Hopeangle. Recording machines are now small enough that you could keep one on your person with out him knowing. Write everything down big or small. Start collecting all your past receipts and make copies so you can prove that your the one supporting the household. If he threatens you call the police.If he hurts your greyhound I would gladly come to where you are and Bite him myself. I have a Whippet and know that both breeds have nothing but love for every one. I'm lucky that my AH isn't abusive but he is just as brain damaged as all the others. He's highly functional, has been drinking for 30 years but doesn't see that he has a problem. I hope that your able to find some peace of mind and keep coming back here. The people here give great advise and really care.
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Old 12-11-2007, 08:17 AM
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Great advice about the recorders. Radio Shack has one for about $40, which I am purchasing this weekend (my AH is sober today, so far). I have kept a written record of everything my AH has said and done to me ever since his relapse over 3 months ago. They are on sheets of paper, some scribbled, but all saved. That's what helped me obtain my order of protection (and mine didn't do half the stuff your's did, yet). This weekend he actually made me cry (I was getting a cold so I was sensitive), but our court date is getting close and he may be mandated, and he is like a 6 year old who wants his way, screaming and crying and pleading and blaming, just like my granddaughter sometimes acts when she wants something bad enough. I cried, but I didn't let it get me down, as it's his defense mechanism (has to protect his right to drink at all costs). I went to a meeting instead. Really, try getting a restraining order, keep a written record and maybe get that tape recorder. And don't let him get to you - consider the source. Remember, he needs you more than you need him.
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Old 12-11-2007, 08:18 AM
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Do you pay the expenses out of a joint account? That can make a difference in any future determination of who's paying what. If you are, get an account on your own and pay the bills through that account.
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Old 12-11-2007, 08:21 AM
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actually

i used my cell phone it can video and record. i also have pictures of AH passed out on it. when you have the proof right there a judge cannot ignore it and AH cannot say it never happened.

a LONG time ago i was advised to put all the bills in MY name and pay them with checks. you then have documentation that YOU are the ONLY one paying the bills and contributing to the house.

it is also very important to document and keep a journal in cases of abuse (not only as documentation) i think because it helps keep us out of denial of the situation we are in. it also helps keep us from minimalizing things. it is also a great form of release. keeping all of the anger and feelings inside is a death sentence in my opinion.

i do think taking action and taking a stand (IF YOU CAN DO SO SAFELY!) is the only thing that anyone else that we're allowing to abuse us will pay attention to. we send the message that we are not to be taken seriously when we don't. we allow people to treat us the way they do.
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Old 12-11-2007, 08:43 AM
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A house filled with horrors isn't a home. A man who spews hatred out of his mouth 24/7 isn't a partner. If you walk away now, you're not leaving a home or losing a partner. You're setting your trash out on the curb and making a fresh start. I believe Tuesday is trash day in your area, make sure you close the lid securely, you don't want the trash to blow all over the neighborhood.

Ask your mortgage company if they'd be willing to do a short sale. In this market, many mortage companies are willing to work with owners to avoid a foreclosure. You're only stuck in this situation because you've convinced yourself you're stuck.

My suggestion is to start focusing on what is possible rather than on what is not. It's amazing how focusing on the possible opens doors. Give it a try. And if you forgot to set out the trash when you left the house today, there's always Thursday....
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Old 12-11-2007, 08:47 AM
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I agree with anvilhead! Use your real estate skills to straighten out where you could live in peace.
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Old 12-11-2007, 09:59 AM
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Unhappy You ladies are great!

Thank you so much for your wisdom filled words. You made me cry! I am not helpless - I use can't as I gave up my home in Richmond and have put every penny into this remodel. He is so hateful he says that even though I have paid more - he has done the work so is entitled to more. He won't even pay for half of the utilities as he says my son and I use more and I should pay them . He wants me to sell my car as it is $350 /mo. How would I work and show property? He is so filled with hate - I have begged him to get help - begged his family to help him - they say nothing and enable him.."He was pre-mature - he has been fighting his whole life"!!!!!!!Are you f'ing kidding me? He is 44 ! I was up all night trying to figure this out. We put ourselves in debt to get this house on the river and knew we would be stuck for a while. I know I can make it on my own somehow. Nothing could be worse - I can work more than 1 job - I have done it before. He told me last night to get another job - work 3 jobs. He today told me this is all my fault - if I would just stop nagging - things would be fine. Told me I was the worst wife a man could have. I hate him - I need to figure out my finances - I swear if he touched my dog I would physically harm him like you can't believe. Dogs are angels sent to love us unconditionally. I have tried to love him - you can't love someone who hates themselves. I have tried. I have to go put on a happy professional face and show a $600,000 home becuase that is what uppity b's like us do. This sucks! I will think of all you said and have gotten a list of Al-Anon meetings. Much peace - God knows I need it.
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Old 12-11-2007, 10:26 AM
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yep, quack quack quack, that is all you hear

just a thought - if he is so miserable in marriage how about suggesting that he get himself out of it then? i've called ah out on that one a couple of times.

but, it is hard to lose an alcoholic -sorry, but it is true.

my therapist really helped me see that the hurtful things ah was saying were all a reflection on how he feels about himself - his words just didn't match up to his actions -because if he really felt the horrible things he said -he would not still be wanting to be with me. umm, hello.

i'm glad you have found alanon. looking inward is the start so that past mistakes are not repeated again. take the focus off ah and what he is doing and put it on yourself sweetie.

take care.
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Old 12-11-2007, 10:27 AM
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Susie,

I'm sorry, but from everything you've told us, it seems like your only option to retain your sanity is to start making a plan to get away. The stress alone will kill you. And your husband sounds severely unstable. Is staying in the river house worth your life? What if he takes it the next step and gets desperately ill, and you have to pour more money into his health care. Do you want to hang out and wait for that?

What happens if you put the house on the market? You lose some money that you can now (with your new career) earn back in short order. By my math, $600,000 x 6% is $36,000, x 3% is $18,000. How many sales like that would it take to buy your financial stability back?

What happens if you get your own apartment for you and yours while you do that?

Think about options. You say you want to learn how to live with it, but there is no way to live with a raving maniac who undermines your self-esteem 177 times a day and who refuses to see that he has a problem. It will kill you.

Wishing you luck....and creativity.
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