I un-detached... and now back in contact.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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I un-detached... and now back in contact.
It was 2 Sunday's ago.. that my ABF called it quits... I accused him of doing drugs and for him to leave and contact me when he was clean. He denied it... and I so hoped he would have just opened up right then that he was being controlled by the drugs... that he was choosing these pills.
He didn't and he left. We didn't have any communication, except for me talking "at him" in emails and text messages. I expressed to him how I was feeling .. and how the lying made me feel... crazy. He told me via text message on Friday night that he was going to tell me all the truths and that he acknowledged he had a problem. We spent about 10 hours on the phone over the weekend. He is pacing it with all of the gory details... I'll admit it, they are hard to hear. But at the same time, it makes me feel less crazy, but then at the same time.. it makes me sick to my stomach, because I knew the entire time, but I just mainly had assumptions... i didn't know all the truth.
Right now he is doing not as bad as I thought he would be in w/d. He is talking very raw with me about it... he is forming his own support group with his friends... and being careful who he talks to about it... for example his room mate is being very good... spending time with him... and he is staying busy.
I told him I went a bit codie on him today when I was so worried about him and how he was feeling. I am not sure if he picked up on it, but my thoughts about him definitely was on the forefront of my mind for the first 5 hours of the day ! He understands that this has effected not just him, but me too.
Being detached from him, was a lot easier, but at the same time, talking things through with him, helps so much more... it keeps things authentic... and now that he is being honest and is helping himself... this is the first time that he has admitted a problem.
He understands that I don't know who I fell in love with in regards to being sober or high... but I think he is right.. it was the sober guy!
We are about 100 odd miles away from each other... I would like him to be with me, but I don't know about it with the kids..ya know? But he seems to think it's just flu like symptoms and he will be okay.
Per his request, we are going to talk about co-dependency and my health (he knows I'm too in recovery)... and I said that it is best we talk after the boys are in bed... otherwise, I just get so consumed in it... and I'm so sorry to say this, but my children suffer, because I'm not 100% focused on dinner and homework. So.. we are going to make some ground rules, behavior change, balance our behavior, time manage, and so forth. We are both supporting each other through recovery. Both of us have been listening to motivational seminars and life management seminars
He isn't going to come out to his parents... but I told him today that I talked with his brother. He wasn't happy about it, but at the same time he understands it's my codie behavior ... trying to take control of the situation because I was so scared and worried about him. (this is back when I felt he was using, but I didn't know for sure, because he was denying it). Talk about such a major head fvck... i mean..... it's the lies and the wondering what exactly is happening... and who he was... and what he was really up to... that and the mood swings... the thinking... oh great he is high... and lying about it... to then coming down and lying about it... the cycle was so chaotic.
We are striving toward spending the holidays together... he wants us to be a family now... he knows my apprehension ... and that I am still very fragile, yet willing, but at the same time ready to detach at any moment. But I know the only way I'm going to detach for good... is if he goes back to it. Really... when he detaches.. when i feel him being distant... and not being true to himself.
Ramble on Rose.....
He didn't and he left. We didn't have any communication, except for me talking "at him" in emails and text messages. I expressed to him how I was feeling .. and how the lying made me feel... crazy. He told me via text message on Friday night that he was going to tell me all the truths and that he acknowledged he had a problem. We spent about 10 hours on the phone over the weekend. He is pacing it with all of the gory details... I'll admit it, they are hard to hear. But at the same time, it makes me feel less crazy, but then at the same time.. it makes me sick to my stomach, because I knew the entire time, but I just mainly had assumptions... i didn't know all the truth.
Right now he is doing not as bad as I thought he would be in w/d. He is talking very raw with me about it... he is forming his own support group with his friends... and being careful who he talks to about it... for example his room mate is being very good... spending time with him... and he is staying busy.
I told him I went a bit codie on him today when I was so worried about him and how he was feeling. I am not sure if he picked up on it, but my thoughts about him definitely was on the forefront of my mind for the first 5 hours of the day ! He understands that this has effected not just him, but me too.
Being detached from him, was a lot easier, but at the same time, talking things through with him, helps so much more... it keeps things authentic... and now that he is being honest and is helping himself... this is the first time that he has admitted a problem.
He understands that I don't know who I fell in love with in regards to being sober or high... but I think he is right.. it was the sober guy!
We are about 100 odd miles away from each other... I would like him to be with me, but I don't know about it with the kids..ya know? But he seems to think it's just flu like symptoms and he will be okay.
Per his request, we are going to talk about co-dependency and my health (he knows I'm too in recovery)... and I said that it is best we talk after the boys are in bed... otherwise, I just get so consumed in it... and I'm so sorry to say this, but my children suffer, because I'm not 100% focused on dinner and homework. So.. we are going to make some ground rules, behavior change, balance our behavior, time manage, and so forth. We are both supporting each other through recovery. Both of us have been listening to motivational seminars and life management seminars
He isn't going to come out to his parents... but I told him today that I talked with his brother. He wasn't happy about it, but at the same time he understands it's my codie behavior ... trying to take control of the situation because I was so scared and worried about him. (this is back when I felt he was using, but I didn't know for sure, because he was denying it). Talk about such a major head fvck... i mean..... it's the lies and the wondering what exactly is happening... and who he was... and what he was really up to... that and the mood swings... the thinking... oh great he is high... and lying about it... to then coming down and lying about it... the cycle was so chaotic.
We are striving toward spending the holidays together... he wants us to be a family now... he knows my apprehension ... and that I am still very fragile, yet willing, but at the same time ready to detach at any moment. But I know the only way I'm going to detach for good... is if he goes back to it. Really... when he detaches.. when i feel him being distant... and not being true to himself.
Ramble on Rose.....
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Thank you!
He called me on my way home from work, but I was car pooling... he asked me to call him after I drop everyone at home ... called and left a message saying I am free when the boys are in bed.
Our conversations are rarely light... and with being long distance, it is the main form contact.
I'm wondering about him coming down to spend time with us... but the boys go this weekend with their dad... so maybe wait (if at all)... until then. ???
I feel like all of these really intimate conversations should be in person.
Thanks kj... appreciate your well wishes!
He called me on my way home from work, but I was car pooling... he asked me to call him after I drop everyone at home ... called and left a message saying I am free when the boys are in bed.
Our conversations are rarely light... and with being long distance, it is the main form contact.
I'm wondering about him coming down to spend time with us... but the boys go this weekend with their dad... so maybe wait (if at all)... until then. ???
I feel like all of these really intimate conversations should be in person.
Thanks kj... appreciate your well wishes!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
Saying a prayer for you both. You know the signs to look for. If you see them again- especially if he is with you and your kids, staying over- do you have a plan? You don't want to put yourself in some nightmare scenario that you can't easily get out of. I'm not saying don't see him, just to "be prepared", as the girlscouts say, because this disease of addiction does not just go away and life goes on as normal. Not without treatment and time.
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Yeah... I kind of got all caught up with him about the excitement of him getting clean.. the mania of him being honest and our communicating about everything on a very authentic level.
Last night he was starting to get agitated and is feeling the boredom - basically the wds. He told me that the novelty of being sober has worn off and that he has to be fulfilled in life for this to work (being sober).
I didn't know really what to say to that. I told him that I can't help him with that. We didn't talk much about the co-dependency, but that honestly is because i was not in a good mood... just really irritable. My kids are sick, I am getting run down... anyway... I don't have a plan ... I just feel that I have to continue working on me. We are long distance anyway... so I should have the time to do it.
I'm worried that he is lying to me already though... he is going through the WD"s pretty heavy for being day 8 of being sober..... a part of me wonders if during our talk over the weekend he was high or just starting to come down... and he didn't want me to know because well for whatever reason. That doesn't matter... the reason that is. A lie is a lie. Then again, maybe I don't know for sure either. I do know that he hasn't used since at least since Saturday... he is refusing to do this alone... with dignity .. to not get help. That is what really scares me... cause if he re-lapses... then it will be... "i can't do this on my own... Im going to get help"... and meanwhile... well.. you know... it's just a crazy cycle.
Frustrated.
Last night he was starting to get agitated and is feeling the boredom - basically the wds. He told me that the novelty of being sober has worn off and that he has to be fulfilled in life for this to work (being sober).
I didn't know really what to say to that. I told him that I can't help him with that. We didn't talk much about the co-dependency, but that honestly is because i was not in a good mood... just really irritable. My kids are sick, I am getting run down... anyway... I don't have a plan ... I just feel that I have to continue working on me. We are long distance anyway... so I should have the time to do it.
I'm worried that he is lying to me already though... he is going through the WD"s pretty heavy for being day 8 of being sober..... a part of me wonders if during our talk over the weekend he was high or just starting to come down... and he didn't want me to know because well for whatever reason. That doesn't matter... the reason that is. A lie is a lie. Then again, maybe I don't know for sure either. I do know that he hasn't used since at least since Saturday... he is refusing to do this alone... with dignity .. to not get help. That is what really scares me... cause if he re-lapses... then it will be... "i can't do this on my own... Im going to get help"... and meanwhile... well.. you know... it's just a crazy cycle.
Frustrated.
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It is a crazy cycle!! I believe they do get bored and thats when a sponser or program could really be helpful, or you may feel like you need to entertain him 24/7 so he does not get swayed into doing drugs again.
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Ironically, the one guy that he would consider being his sponsor and who he can talk to about this... is the guy that introduced him to it. This guy has had a lot of falls from doing it, but he has basically subscribed to it. He doesn't have close family ties (that I know of), and he doesn't have a relationship and is basically making a conscious choice in having this life style. Where my abf... he can't have both... and he has tried to have a close relationship with his family and friends and me... while on drugs. That is not going to work... you can not successfully have both! He disagrees and says that he knows of users that are successful in home and work life. Well, that's great... for them! But he also recognizes he is not one of those people.
Anyway.. yeah... so his sort of sponsor guy that is a user... ( lives out of town btw) - helped him in the early stage and while on the phone with him he threw out the pills.
I'm going to vent really quick... but I am really struggling big time right now financially ... and he has helped me here and there, but I give him money... like in the last month... I paid him in checks about $200.00 on two different occasions... and grant it... i was paying him back... but to know that he could spend that in a few days on drugs... that really hurts. Cause I am **** poor broke right now. I can't even bring myself to look at my budget because I'm so screwed... and that $200 would buy my kids christmas presents.
FVCK... I'm acting like a victim... DAMNIT>
Guys... I think I have to detach... again... I can't do this... I can't.
I want to help him - to be strong for him... but I'm just sitting crying... and I should be doing other things with my life... and not crying over his problem.
Anyway.. yeah... so his sort of sponsor guy that is a user... ( lives out of town btw) - helped him in the early stage and while on the phone with him he threw out the pills.
I'm going to vent really quick... but I am really struggling big time right now financially ... and he has helped me here and there, but I give him money... like in the last month... I paid him in checks about $200.00 on two different occasions... and grant it... i was paying him back... but to know that he could spend that in a few days on drugs... that really hurts. Cause I am **** poor broke right now. I can't even bring myself to look at my budget because I'm so screwed... and that $200 would buy my kids christmas presents.
FVCK... I'm acting like a victim... DAMNIT>
Guys... I think I have to detach... again... I can't do this... I can't.
I want to help him - to be strong for him... but I'm just sitting crying... and I should be doing other things with my life... and not crying over his problem.
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Take that strength and put it to good use. Do something today for you and your kids. He is a grown man, he will be OK. Your kids need you more!! go for a walk with them, I know it so hard to detach. I am trying to detach and not worry about my A. He has been out of our house for a week now. It is hard when I feel lonely, but I know it is the right thing to do in the long run. that doesn't make it any easier.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead 
i think it's VERY telling that at day 8 he's "bored" with recovery and NEEDS more to be fulfilled..........that is still very much a "me" centered mindset, waiting for the next best thing to come along and wow him. as you know, recovery is an ACTION, not a moment in time. words, no matter how wonderful, are still just that - words............it is a person's actions that will reveal their true intentions........
if nothing else, detach from gifting or giving him any more $$. keep you and your children your priority, first, foremost and always.
may you be well..........
if nothing else, detach from gifting or giving him any more $$. keep you and your children your priority, first, foremost and always.
may you be well..........
BUT yes... I have to spend my time and energy on the kids.... who have been seriously lacking in that area from me, because of my consumption of this relationship. He is great with using words... and telling me things I should be doing or what we should be doing... or what he is going to do.... and he is so full of importance and idealistic. He told me he will be the most ideal guy for me when he is over this hurdle, but I told him it's not "ideal" that I want... just real. He gets so clouded and excited about what is next to come, but when its time to put action where is mouth is... I start to see him declining... like he is unsure if he can really do this.
Haven't heard from him yet today... it's nearly 11am, so i'm sure he is still sleeping... and I know that the days forward are just getting harder. When will he start to feel normalized?
I'm just so glad that he finally being truthful... finally. It does make me feel less crazy. I just wonder when or if he is going to get tired of talking about it... I can tell he is at the questioning point of whether to stay sober or to start having a "controlled" using pattern. Which of course is certainly not the answer... pain pills... take you down. He was doing 80 oxys at once, and sometimes would do more than that in a span of a few hours.
I really don't know if I'm strong enough guys... I have to learn how to love from a distance.
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Originally Posted by kj21
Take that strength and put it to good use. Do something today for you and your kids. He is a grown man, he will be OK. Your kids need you more!! go for a walk with them, I know it so hard to detach. I am trying to detach and not worry about my A. He has been out of our house for a week now. It is hard when I feel lonely, but I know it is the right thing to do in the long run. that doesn't make it any easier.
KJ.... I want to do something for the kids today.. but we are all sick with this stomach bug going around. I think the first step for me in my recovery is to transition my thoughts to other things... and not be consumed in his reality.
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