How to make deep connections?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
How to make deep connections?
I am new to this idea of me being insane in some areas and needing to be restored to sanity. I have been reading, meditating and attending Alanon and everything makes sense to me. I recognize myself. Yesterday I was reading from “Codependents’ Guide to the Twelve Steps” by Melody Beattie and came across this:
“Living with insanity or allowing others to treat us badly, living life as victims, is insane. Living in denial, telling ourselves other people are fine – people who are abusing us and treating us poorly – telling ourselves that there is something wrong with us for not liking this abuse, is insane. Believing that we deserve so little from life is insane. Believing that we have to do it alone, whatever it is, is unnecessary.”
This sums up my life. But, the last sentence especially struck home. I have isolated myself in an insane way. I am fiercely independent and trust is a problem. My sober, AA attending mom died when I was 13 leaving me with 2 brothers and a father that emotionally and spiritually abandoned me and then I married an A. I parented myself and am a survivor. However, I now see that my survivor techniques haven’t worked well as an adult. I need to relearn so many things. Things that healthy people take for granted I have no clue about.
Which leads me to this: I want to have a rich life full of dear friends, but I don’t know how to turn an acquaintance into a friend. I have many acquaintances, and I have no problem meeting and talking small talk with people. But anything beyond that I am at a loss and have no clue and don't have any real meaningful friendships. I am very lonely. I feel like a huge glass wall separates me from everyone else and have always felt this way and thought everyone else did too.
What do I need to do and learn to make deep friendships?
“Living with insanity or allowing others to treat us badly, living life as victims, is insane. Living in denial, telling ourselves other people are fine – people who are abusing us and treating us poorly – telling ourselves that there is something wrong with us for not liking this abuse, is insane. Believing that we deserve so little from life is insane. Believing that we have to do it alone, whatever it is, is unnecessary.”
This sums up my life. But, the last sentence especially struck home. I have isolated myself in an insane way. I am fiercely independent and trust is a problem. My sober, AA attending mom died when I was 13 leaving me with 2 brothers and a father that emotionally and spiritually abandoned me and then I married an A. I parented myself and am a survivor. However, I now see that my survivor techniques haven’t worked well as an adult. I need to relearn so many things. Things that healthy people take for granted I have no clue about.
Which leads me to this: I want to have a rich life full of dear friends, but I don’t know how to turn an acquaintance into a friend. I have many acquaintances, and I have no problem meeting and talking small talk with people. But anything beyond that I am at a loss and have no clue and don't have any real meaningful friendships. I am very lonely. I feel like a huge glass wall separates me from everyone else and have always felt this way and thought everyone else did too.
What do I need to do and learn to make deep friendships?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Wow... that in itself is some deep insight ... sounds like you are starting to do what is needed.... you are talking about it and looking for solutions.
When I started to get healthy I noticed that the people around me were either emotionally unavailable (shallow) or unhealthy for me... they were abusive sometimes and it took getting a little more healthy to decide that I could choose not to participate in their insanity.... I choose to take care of myself. Once I did this I had to take a deep look at just who I was and what I wanted, this was also a switch for me... I usually adapted to the people around me. Once I figured out what was important to me and what I really wanted I started to take action to attract people with those qualities.
I would go to Al-anon/CoDA meetings, Church etc... and when I met somone I felt a connection with I would invite them to coffee... or just hang and talk a bit with them after. In time with continued effort we would get together more often, call on the phone to chat etc... When we could come to a point of trust and allow them to reach out to me and myself reaching out to them is when I could say I had a friend.
I have to admitt though that I can count my "close/trusted" friends on one hand. It is not something given away, for me it is a connection and it does not happen often enough. I do however keep those people close to me and talk with them often, Just as in any relationship worth having there is work involved.
When I started to get healthy I noticed that the people around me were either emotionally unavailable (shallow) or unhealthy for me... they were abusive sometimes and it took getting a little more healthy to decide that I could choose not to participate in their insanity.... I choose to take care of myself. Once I did this I had to take a deep look at just who I was and what I wanted, this was also a switch for me... I usually adapted to the people around me. Once I figured out what was important to me and what I really wanted I started to take action to attract people with those qualities.
I would go to Al-anon/CoDA meetings, Church etc... and when I met somone I felt a connection with I would invite them to coffee... or just hang and talk a bit with them after. In time with continued effort we would get together more often, call on the phone to chat etc... When we could come to a point of trust and allow them to reach out to me and myself reaching out to them is when I could say I had a friend.
I have to admitt though that I can count my "close/trusted" friends on one hand. It is not something given away, for me it is a connection and it does not happen often enough. I do however keep those people close to me and talk with them often, Just as in any relationship worth having there is work involved.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
Holly Schmolly..if someone figure that one out ...please tell me.
mmm...I think even if others figure it out, I might have a rough
time at it.
What i thought was deep turned into some nightmare.
All the stuff about soul partners, trust, making love is
like being in the eyes of god...I think it just turn me into
an emotional junkie and over time..yeah of the chaos mentioned
above i endure because I became very, very attached to her.
I charrished her alright...while she treated me like dirt.
It dosn't happen overnite. So everytime becuase I'm thinking
it's so special, so deep, so preciouse...i get the hope and tiring
to work things out and i feel like a nut job as the years goes by.
She didn't have phyco stamp on her forehead when i met her
and she did act sick or unhealthy when I was dating her.
She wasn't even wierd until 5 years into the relationship.
I'm still a little bit bewilder..but as i have time alone. I hope I'm getting
clearer. yeah kind of living in my shelter life at the moment.
As every moment passed and it seem like it's forever.
I'm not even at par with myself before I've met her.
and I'm getting these crazy messages that i need to do an
inventory of this especific relationship. i don't want to.
i afraid i'm going to have a melt down or something if i
write in details or deep about her.
i look at my jounal or notepad everyday. I don't even want
to think about her anymore..that's growth for me...good lord
I'm not at the I hate all women stage yet.
becuase for years after every seperations...I'd go through the
I hate all women for about a month.
I just hate her today, that's something different.
i don't think i ever want to get that deep again..
Yet a part me still long for that specail someone. someone that
truley loves me. Like how we were before all this crazy stuff.
but i can't do that..i tried and tried until I'm where I'm at today.
I have trust issues like crazy today. i've never thought I would
feel this way. I not really incline to want to belive in god
anymore at the moment..that alone tells me I'm a ways off
from getting into a deep relationship again.
well...it's only been 90 days this time since the seperation
i don't know...a couple of weeks since I went bunkers becuase
I contacted her...
mmm...I think even if others figure it out, I might have a rough
time at it.
What i thought was deep turned into some nightmare.
All the stuff about soul partners, trust, making love is
like being in the eyes of god...I think it just turn me into
an emotional junkie and over time..yeah of the chaos mentioned
above i endure because I became very, very attached to her.
I charrished her alright...while she treated me like dirt.
It dosn't happen overnite. So everytime becuase I'm thinking
it's so special, so deep, so preciouse...i get the hope and tiring
to work things out and i feel like a nut job as the years goes by.
She didn't have phyco stamp on her forehead when i met her
and she did act sick or unhealthy when I was dating her.
She wasn't even wierd until 5 years into the relationship.
I'm still a little bit bewilder..but as i have time alone. I hope I'm getting
clearer. yeah kind of living in my shelter life at the moment.
As every moment passed and it seem like it's forever.
I'm not even at par with myself before I've met her.
and I'm getting these crazy messages that i need to do an
inventory of this especific relationship. i don't want to.
i afraid i'm going to have a melt down or something if i
write in details or deep about her.
i look at my jounal or notepad everyday. I don't even want
to think about her anymore..that's growth for me...good lord
I'm not at the I hate all women stage yet.
becuase for years after every seperations...I'd go through the
I hate all women for about a month.
I just hate her today, that's something different.
i don't think i ever want to get that deep again..
Yet a part me still long for that specail someone. someone that
truley loves me. Like how we were before all this crazy stuff.
but i can't do that..i tried and tried until I'm where I'm at today.
I have trust issues like crazy today. i've never thought I would
feel this way. I not really incline to want to belive in god
anymore at the moment..that alone tells me I'm a ways off
from getting into a deep relationship again.
well...it's only been 90 days this time since the seperation
i don't know...a couple of weeks since I went bunkers becuase
I contacted her...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
For me, it involves risk - asking the person to do more than chit chat. The good news is it gets easier with practice. If there's someone I want to try and be friends with, as opposed to an acquaintance, I "ask them out." For example, if we discover we have a common like, I'll say, let's get together and do that. Then follow up and make it happen. Most times it works, sometimes not, and I'm fine with that.
Good luck!
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
This is a really good topic!
I believe that we all feel very isolated when we have an alcoholic in our lives. It's a dirty little secret that causes us embarassment. We learn to protect ourselves by isolating ourselves from others and that becomes a learned behavior.
Turning an aquaintance into a friend is also a "learned" thing.
I use to think that everyone around me was shallow and having an aquaintance was "unfulfilling". Slowly, I've changed that attitude and now look at aquaintances as potential friends.
Sometimes that pans out and sometimes it doesn't but I still cherish my aquaintances and LOVE my friends. I am amazed at how, by exposing a wee bit of myself, I have flushed out a good friend (flushed out like a bird from a bush not like a toilet!)
I read the Desiderata almost everyday. It helps me keep postive. It helps me stay on good terms with all people. Positive people are a pleasure to be around....they attract other positive people. In case you've never read Desiderata.....here it is.
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.
I think just having the desire to have friends is a big step. Remember "Field of Dreams"....build it and they will come. I believe that if you open yourself up to friendship, it will happen.
gentle hugs to you
I believe that we all feel very isolated when we have an alcoholic in our lives. It's a dirty little secret that causes us embarassment. We learn to protect ourselves by isolating ourselves from others and that becomes a learned behavior.
Turning an aquaintance into a friend is also a "learned" thing.
I use to think that everyone around me was shallow and having an aquaintance was "unfulfilling". Slowly, I've changed that attitude and now look at aquaintances as potential friends.
Sometimes that pans out and sometimes it doesn't but I still cherish my aquaintances and LOVE my friends. I am amazed at how, by exposing a wee bit of myself, I have flushed out a good friend (flushed out like a bird from a bush not like a toilet!)
I read the Desiderata almost everyday. It helps me keep postive. It helps me stay on good terms with all people. Positive people are a pleasure to be around....they attract other positive people. In case you've never read Desiderata.....here it is.
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.
I think just having the desire to have friends is a big step. Remember "Field of Dreams"....build it and they will come. I believe that if you open yourself up to friendship, it will happen.
gentle hugs to you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Thank you all for replying to my post. Recovery is so hard but staying sick is worse. I had a hard childhood and that's a fact and had nothing to do with me, but realized that I let that define me until now. I am so thankful that I now can learn to live life more effectively and that my life should be happy. That through the help of Alanon, this board, and reading I can reparent myself and learn all the things I missed. It is not easy. I really related to the idea of "risk". It scares me to share and be open because doing that has hurt me in the past. I have to force myself to do it at Alanon meetings and I can't thank them enough for being there with me whether I share or not. I am trying to live each day as a positive person and trying to not fall into my old habit of obsessing over the past and marinating in all those bad, sick feelings. So, I am going to make it a goal to share a wee bit of myself when I can, to be gentle with myself if I can't, and to celebrate my baby steps.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 151
I'm in a similar spot myself. As I prepare to leave my AH, I've had this slow but definite awareness that I've gradually shut myself off from people in general. Just something that's happened so gradually over the past 10 years you wouldn't see it unless you compared the very beginning to the very end. I've noticed there are many people at work that I always respond to in a short/closed way; not rude, but just enough to keep the distance and give the message that I'm not "open" for friendship. I can only surmise that this has been from some level of shame or just codependent thinking i.e. that I'm unable to have friendships like "normal" people because I'm not normal or it would take precious time out of my busy enabling schedule 
I've taken a few little steps just this past week just to stop putting more bricks in the wall; too fearful yet to actually begin REMOVING bricks. Like going ahead to the yearly Christmas party (by myself, OMG), and maybe standing around the break room talking with other people a little longer before rushing back to my office with my lunch to eat alone. It's all very weird, but I'd put it in the category of re-parenting. "Normal" parents encourage their kids to get out there and socialize, right? Ugh.
I've taken a few little steps just this past week just to stop putting more bricks in the wall; too fearful yet to actually begin REMOVING bricks. Like going ahead to the yearly Christmas party (by myself, OMG), and maybe standing around the break room talking with other people a little longer before rushing back to my office with my lunch to eat alone. It's all very weird, but I'd put it in the category of re-parenting. "Normal" parents encourage their kids to get out there and socialize, right? Ugh.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
thanks so much for posting that kindeyes.
Gosh..just so ,so much has changed
I had a picture of that in my bed room at one time.
After moving so many times from seperations after seperation,
I don't even know what i have anymore. Those simple things
that was of me, what i value.
Gosh..just so ,so much has changed
I had a picture of that in my bed room at one time.
After moving so many times from seperations after seperation,
I don't even know what i have anymore. Those simple things
that was of me, what i value.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Peoria IL
Posts: 8
Chrysalis123, you sure hit a nerve with this topic. You sure made me think and realize this is one of my big flaws that I need help working on, as well. And thank you Kindeyes for Desiderata. I now know I have been away from this place to long and you guys really help just sharing.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
I don't want to hijack this thread, but I'm not sure this warrants a whole new thread - I'm feeling a bit down tonight because for the first time since my exAH and I broke up, I made an obvious, clear move toward a man I knew at my last job (we are no longer working together). He made it clear that he didn't feel the same.
I haven't been able to make any friends yet. My two friends who I've had since high school live thousands of miles away now. I haven't been able to connect with a man either.
I wish I could figure this part out. I guess that's a good New Year's resolution - make new friends and try dating.
I joined a couple of dating sites over the last year but the men who contacted me were not attractive to me. The ones I did like didn't respond to my contacts.
This is frustrating.
I have actually been told twice that I'm too nice. I"m not sure what that means.
I haven't been able to make any friends yet. My two friends who I've had since high school live thousands of miles away now. I haven't been able to connect with a man either.
I wish I could figure this part out. I guess that's a good New Year's resolution - make new friends and try dating.
I joined a couple of dating sites over the last year but the men who contacted me were not attractive to me. The ones I did like didn't respond to my contacts.
This is frustrating.
I have actually been told twice that I'm too nice. I"m not sure what that means.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Peoria IL
Posts: 8
I guess this time of the year brings out all the regrets and resolutions. I resolve to work on this issue and feel I already am by coming back here. I feel deep connections already. I know it needs to be a more hands on type of thing, but what a great start.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I have found that making friends is harder as I grow older. Perhaps it is because I am more set in my ways, less likely to put up with people I'm not compatible with, etc. etc.
I try to get around this by doing things that I love that involve being around other people doing the same thing. Taking classes in things that give me pleasure (drawing, building things, learning languages...) puts me in the presence of kindred spirits. As does traveling -- you end up making friends with the people you're with, if only because they speak your language
Do what you love, and try to pay attention to people who may be open to friendships....for so many years, I got TOTALLY out of practice doing that... I'll never be one of those people who has twenty best friends (I have like 6-7 close friends, and that's a good number for me)
It's not easy, but it's worth it.
I try to get around this by doing things that I love that involve being around other people doing the same thing. Taking classes in things that give me pleasure (drawing, building things, learning languages...) puts me in the presence of kindred spirits. As does traveling -- you end up making friends with the people you're with, if only because they speak your language
Do what you love, and try to pay attention to people who may be open to friendships....for so many years, I got TOTALLY out of practice doing that... I'll never be one of those people who has twenty best friends (I have like 6-7 close friends, and that's a good number for me)
It's not easy, but it's worth it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
