Robzoloft

I never thought I would find an online forum to be so helpful...but I do. And rather than question everything and over analyze I'm just going to put some stuff out there...I've been drinking and drugging heavily for close to 25 years...I've had as long as 18 mos. sober....many, many periods of several momths, several weeks, days at time, etc. But now I'm scared...scared for the first time in my life,really...the drug thing is no longer an issue but the drinking has escalated to terrible proportions....I'm drinking somewhere in the vicinity of 2+ pints every time I drink...and drinking almost every night. Which, BTW, I keep hidden from my family...so its sneaking around, excuses to leave the house, the whole bit....I also do horrendous things and take terrible risks..like drive my wife and kids around drunk...angry outbursts...or sleep all day because I'm "tired" and leave my wife with our 4 kids....I hate myself when I do these things....and the only time bad things happen at my house is when I'm drunk...period. Life is good and blessed when I'm sober, it really is.....I have no glaring reasons to drink...in fact, I have every reason not to drink...yet I do. Recently I stayed sober for 9 days...drank 4....sober for 4....and then went crazy this past weekend....ungodly amounts....driving drunk with kids in the car....I mean, thats just insane and selfish and irresponsible...I have everything to lose....the guilt I carry around is overwhelming...the anxiety the depression...the hopeless feeling of knowing, KNOWING, I will drink again depsite all my best intentions and horrible physical side-effects...at this point the guilt and shame alone keep me in that mental place of pain where drinking becomes an option again.....I need to let go...I need to do something

Robzoloft

Just wanted to add....you know the feeling of literally being out of control of your own actions....saying one thing but doing another...despite your own intentions and plans....like saying all day I won't drink, I can't drink, the risks are too great.....but sure enough....there I am at the store....there I am drunk and insane again.....there i am endangering my family's lives again...there I am flirting with jail time for yet another DWI....when all along I said no and meant it all day....and then I fail

Anna

Well, Robzoloft, you've said it all, you need to change your life.

So, what is your plan to not drink today? What can you do make this happen the way you want it to?

You've been sober for long periods, so I think you know what it takes. You can do this!

Rowan

Rob,

If you are an alcoholic like me, you can't do this on your own. Try to focus on the solution if you can, because there IS one. What can you do today that would be recovery-oriented?
It sounds like you have a lot to live for and a wonderful family who deserve a sober father and husband.

PaperDolls

You're an addict. That's why. Simple as that.

I like what you said about questioning and over analyzing everything. I do that still. It's something to keep working on.

I'm glad you found SR and I'm glad you're here. Keep posting and reading and working hard. Anna is right, you've said it all and now you need to make a plan and keep taking steps.

Have you seen a doctor? It would be a great, courageous step and could help tremendously. You're here being brutally honest with yourself now it's time to be brutally honest with your loved ones. You might be surprised at what they actually know about your drinking.

hugs!
PD

KevinL

Please try and get help before you lose it all. I have. I have lost my beautiful wife, jobs, respect. I sit here now in my apartment struggling through another hangover. I can't stop crying. I almost ran over someone last night. I was drunk and stalking my wife. So much anger. I don't know what to do anymore.

Aa_vark

I have discovered the flipside of that hopelessness fear of knowing. I know today that it could still get worse. I know that my disease is arrested, and that recovery is possible today if i dont pick up. I know that I dont have to reach for the first one, no matter how miserable i think i am, even if i want to, i know that i dont have to. I know there is a solution.

It wasnt easy, it took what it took to accept it. I could go on to the bitter ends, or ask for help. Then ACCEPT THE HELP THAT WAS OFFERED. That one kept me away from the solution for a long time.... Theese days, though, acceptance and taking the steps necessary for survival, has given me a great life back.

There is a solution. Self knowledge does not keep my clean and sober. Probably no human being could keep me from the first one. God could, and would if he were sought. I found out about theese directions, theese steps... and took them... I found help from a group of people who had found the solution. I did what they had done.