I Guess I Need Some Advice
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Cheney, Washington
Posts: 11
I Guess I Need Some Advice
Hi all. I am new here, but really just looking for support from those who know what it's all about. Any advice or input is greatly appreciated!
My problem is that I am in love with an alcoholic. I was raised in an alcoholic home and most of my family, on both of my parent's sides, are addicts of some sort. I am now a sophomore in college and am pursuing a degree in Psychology and a minor in Drug and Alcohol Studies. My problem is not understanding alcoholism, alcoholics and their behaviors, or my own codependent behaviors. I really do understand all of that, and have attended Al Anon a few times. My problem is with making this decision.
I started dating this guy as a sophomore in high school, after a friendship of about a year. He is older than me by 3 1/2 years. At the time I was a wreck dealing with my dads alcoholism by acting out myself. This guy really put me back together. He loved me unconditionally. Our relationship was perfect except that he drank quite a bit. He had also had problems with other drugs but went to treatment for that. He was never mean or ever put me in any bad situations, and he never missed work, but it scared me to death. He had wrecked two vehicles and received a DUI and two MIP's, thus losing his license. We dated for three years with every intention of being together forever. I never asked him to not drink, but he knew that I wasn't exactly ok with it. I had made it clear that I would not marry an alcoholic. I watched my mom's life and didn't want it. When it came time to leave for college, I made a decision. I broke up with him. I still was completely in love, but couldn't see a future with him AND his problem. We have stayed friends for the next year and a half or so. Within the last few months he quit drinking. Soon after that we started entertaining the idea of dating again, as neither of us had stopped loving the other. We were so close and he was doing wonderful. I was so happy to be back with the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Two nights ago he went out. When I called him that night he was honest. He said he was drinking, he was sorry, and that we would talk tomorrow. I am not a fighter and needed to think, so I said ok. We haven't talked much since. I just don't know what to do. I know I can't change him; I don't want to be responsible for his problem. He says that he can drink in moderation, just once a month or so. That would be fine, but I know how quickly one returns to their previous behaviors. I want to be with him so much. I love him. I moved away, dated other guys, made new friends, etc for a year and a half and my feelings never changed.
My brain says walk away because an alcoholic is never recovered, only recovering. I know too that even if he remained completely sober for years and we were married with kids and jobs, something could trigger a relapse at any time. That scares me. My heart, though, says otherwise. It loves unconditionally and could care less if he has this problem. I know that if I am with him that I will have to make sure I am never enabling him, etc. I just don't know what to do. Is love really enough?
My problem is that I am in love with an alcoholic. I was raised in an alcoholic home and most of my family, on both of my parent's sides, are addicts of some sort. I am now a sophomore in college and am pursuing a degree in Psychology and a minor in Drug and Alcohol Studies. My problem is not understanding alcoholism, alcoholics and their behaviors, or my own codependent behaviors. I really do understand all of that, and have attended Al Anon a few times. My problem is with making this decision.
I started dating this guy as a sophomore in high school, after a friendship of about a year. He is older than me by 3 1/2 years. At the time I was a wreck dealing with my dads alcoholism by acting out myself. This guy really put me back together. He loved me unconditionally. Our relationship was perfect except that he drank quite a bit. He had also had problems with other drugs but went to treatment for that. He was never mean or ever put me in any bad situations, and he never missed work, but it scared me to death. He had wrecked two vehicles and received a DUI and two MIP's, thus losing his license. We dated for three years with every intention of being together forever. I never asked him to not drink, but he knew that I wasn't exactly ok with it. I had made it clear that I would not marry an alcoholic. I watched my mom's life and didn't want it. When it came time to leave for college, I made a decision. I broke up with him. I still was completely in love, but couldn't see a future with him AND his problem. We have stayed friends for the next year and a half or so. Within the last few months he quit drinking. Soon after that we started entertaining the idea of dating again, as neither of us had stopped loving the other. We were so close and he was doing wonderful. I was so happy to be back with the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Two nights ago he went out. When I called him that night he was honest. He said he was drinking, he was sorry, and that we would talk tomorrow. I am not a fighter and needed to think, so I said ok. We haven't talked much since. I just don't know what to do. I know I can't change him; I don't want to be responsible for his problem. He says that he can drink in moderation, just once a month or so. That would be fine, but I know how quickly one returns to their previous behaviors. I want to be with him so much. I love him. I moved away, dated other guys, made new friends, etc for a year and a half and my feelings never changed.
My brain says walk away because an alcoholic is never recovered, only recovering. I know too that even if he remained completely sober for years and we were married with kids and jobs, something could trigger a relapse at any time. That scares me. My heart, though, says otherwise. It loves unconditionally and could care less if he has this problem. I know that if I am with him that I will have to make sure I am never enabling him, etc. I just don't know what to do. Is love really enough?
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
You say you don't want to marry an alcoholic, yet you are walking the path towards marriage. Apparently, a lifetime of being surrounded by alcoholics is all you know. Has your life thus far been happy?
I loved my alcoholic boyfriend with all my heart, but it wasn't enough for me. Watching his disease progress filled my days with pain, sorrow, and despair. I don't recommend that anyone follow in my footsteps.
I loved my alcoholic boyfriend with all my heart, but it wasn't enough for me. Watching his disease progress filled my days with pain, sorrow, and despair. I don't recommend that anyone follow in my footsteps.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome. Sorry you are going thru this. Its not easy.
You've answered you own questions it seems to me. Listen to your head on this one.
And no, love is not enough. If love were enough, none of us would be in here.
I also don't think its real love if there is not mutual respect underneath it all. Do you respect him? Is he showing you respect?
Originally Posted by klutz4513 
My brain says walk away because an alcoholic is never recovered, only recovering. I know too that even if he remained completely sober for years and we were married with kids and jobs, something could trigger a relapse at any time.
And no, love is not enough. If love were enough, none of us would be in here.
I also don't think its real love if there is not mutual respect underneath it all. Do you respect him? Is he showing you respect?
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Cheney, Washington
Posts: 11
Thank you so much! I know I should listen to my brain. I just don't want to. 
I guess I am wishing for another option. There isn't one, so I know what I have to do.
To answer your question about respect. I really do respect him; I respect him for so many reasons. I respect his honesty more than anything. I respect him for being incredibly hardworking, and I respect how much pride he takes in all that he does in his life. However, I wish that he would set some of that aside. He wants to be sober, but thinks that he can do it himself. He hated treatment when he was younger and resents AA meetings because they have always been court mandated (he does read his book though). I wish he would swallow his pride and realize that he can't do it himself. He needs to give a lot of things up to his higher power.
Does he respect me? On so many levels. He respects my hopes, my dreams, my goals. He respects my point of view, my priorities and my choices in life. Him not quitting doesn't really have to do with his respect for me, does it? It's more a lack of respect of himself, for some reason.
I also don't feel that I should withhold any respect from him due only to his addiction. The first step in AA is to admit we are powerless over alcohol—that our lives have become unmanageable. The second believing that a Power greater than ourselves can help restore us to sanity.
I understand he is a slave to this and can ONLY help himself through taking certain steps. I don't respect the fact that he works so hard to accomplish so many things, yet gives up when it comes to this.
I guess I am wishing for another option. There isn't one, so I know what I have to do.To answer your question about respect. I really do respect him; I respect him for so many reasons. I respect his honesty more than anything. I respect him for being incredibly hardworking, and I respect how much pride he takes in all that he does in his life. However, I wish that he would set some of that aside. He wants to be sober, but thinks that he can do it himself. He hated treatment when he was younger and resents AA meetings because they have always been court mandated (he does read his book though). I wish he would swallow his pride and realize that he can't do it himself. He needs to give a lot of things up to his higher power.
Does he respect me? On so many levels. He respects my hopes, my dreams, my goals. He respects my point of view, my priorities and my choices in life. Him not quitting doesn't really have to do with his respect for me, does it? It's more a lack of respect of himself, for some reason.
I also don't feel that I should withhold any respect from him due only to his addiction. The first step in AA is to admit we are powerless over alcohol—that our lives have become unmanageable. The second believing that a Power greater than ourselves can help restore us to sanity.
I understand he is a slave to this and can ONLY help himself through taking certain steps. I don't respect the fact that he works so hard to accomplish so many things, yet gives up when it comes to this.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by klutz4513
The first step in AA is to admit we are powerless over alcohol—that our lives have become unmanageable. The second believing that a Power greater than ourselves can help restore us to sanity.
I can't imagine getting involved with someone I knew to be alcoholic - I had no idea what it was when we began. The day I learned what I was dealing with I took action on my own behalf.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Do you respect yourself enough to want more out of life? I didn't. That's why I stayed with my alcoholic boyfriend for 25 years. A quarter of a century of chaos, pain, and confusion is all I thought I deserved. So that's what I got.
Today I know I deserve more, and I get it.
Today I know I deserve more, and I get it.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
Posts: 286
monkeys monkeys and more monkeys
dear kluts, I hear a lot of (I knows) in your dialoge.
Did you know that alkies & drugies, have a monkey on their back.
Next time your at a family gathering, picture the people that you consider having a problem, with a large mean monkey on their back. like the ones in the OMEN. why would a well educated person walk into a life with a person,
that has a real ugly monkey on his back?
Non smokers-have absolutly no problem telling a smoker to buzz off, and take their smoke with them.
To know and believe are 2 different things.
I know & believe & accept, that I'm an alcoholic.
If I were king of the forest, I would not trust a monkey, until I saw him working a 12 step program, serving a 12 step program, and sponsering a
12 step program JMHO GOOD LUCK
If alcohol was invented today, it would be illeagle, how do you spell tommrow??
Did you know that alkies & drugies, have a monkey on their back.
Next time your at a family gathering, picture the people that you consider having a problem, with a large mean monkey on their back. like the ones in the OMEN. why would a well educated person walk into a life with a person,
that has a real ugly monkey on his back?
Non smokers-have absolutly no problem telling a smoker to buzz off, and take their smoke with them.
To know and believe are 2 different things.
I know & believe & accept, that I'm an alcoholic.
If I were king of the forest, I would not trust a monkey, until I saw him working a 12 step program, serving a 12 step program, and sponsering a
12 step program JMHO GOOD LUCK
If alcohol was invented today, it would be illeagle, how do you spell tommrow??
Last edited by geees poncho; 12-09-2007 at 07:10 PM. Reason: can't spell
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Cheney, Washington
Posts: 11
haha I had never heard the "ugly monkey" one before. I like it! I love what you said about not trusting a monkey unless he was working a program, etc., EVEN if you were king of the forest. A good precaution to take when dealing with ugly monkeys, and you are right about walking into a life with a person and their ugly monkey. I don't want that.
Yes, "I know" and "I believe" are two very different things. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.
Yes, "I know" and "I believe" are two very different things. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
Like anything, there are no clear-cut answers for this. As for "ugly monkeys" every member of my family has one to one degree or another. If I'm looking for one without, I guess I'll be living on island by myself. I detach from all family members' monkeys.
Now for the flip side. Your ABF is young. When you are 50, is the monkey going to be sitting on you both? Unless you're on your own island, it sure is. If you want to saddle yourself with that, that's your own affair. But is it fair to have children and force them to accept that decision too? I didn't think it was fair to subject my daughter (even at 19) to my XABF's insane behavior. It's just not the example I want her to see.
Now for the flip side. Your ABF is young. When you are 50, is the monkey going to be sitting on you both? Unless you're on your own island, it sure is. If you want to saddle yourself with that, that's your own affair. But is it fair to have children and force them to accept that decision too? I didn't think it was fair to subject my daughter (even at 19) to my XABF's insane behavior. It's just not the example I want her to see.
Guess what, I'm not crazy.
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 286
No love is not enough. I think the reason you have never stopped having feelings for him is that you stayed in contact. Maybe you need to cut the contact off, take a time out and then start dating other men again.
I sure hope everything works out for you.
Hugs
D
I sure hope everything works out for you.
Hugs
D
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Klutz - here' my story very briefly - I was a single mother raising 3 kids. AH was my lifesaver in a way. He fairly quickly moved in w/me, got me out of the dump I was living in, moved to a brand new apt., he paid my rent so I could stay home w/my kids, took on the father role (their biological father left, never to return again) and truly loved my kids as his own (and treated them very well). He was also an alcoholic who was drinking or drunk every night. Having grown up in an alcoholic household myself, didn't really think that much of it, after all, my father was a great father and provider, yet drinking or drunk every night also. And my Xhusband didn't drink at all, yet was an abusive husband. I figured AH was a Godsend to me. I forgot how much I used to hate having to keep my father company when my mom would be watching TV and my father wanted to talk on and on and on and make no sense at all cause he was drunk. Here was my AH doing the same thing. Three years later, I couldn't take living w/a drunk every night, put myself thru business school and got myself a good job. Got rid of AH (we were not married yet). AH goes to rehab and gets sober. We get back together. AH stays sober for over 14 years with NO RELAPSE. We got married, raised kids, went on vacations, bought a house, life was real good. A few years ago, he relapsed. Out of the blue. It's been getting worse and worse as every day goes on. In May AH decides he needs rehab again, goes to the same one, promises me the world. Stays sober 98 days. Three more months of hell follows. I almost wish he didn't have those 98 days, cause it's worse than ever now. Wouldn't want you to follow in my footsteps either.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Posts: 11
Thank you all so much for your advice. The best comes from those who have been there.
CBrown, You are right in saying that everyone has an ugly monkey, even those who are not addicts of any sort. But would I knowingly want to subject myself to that? No, and I definitely don't want to subject any future children to it. I love my father and understand now why he acted the way he did, but I held a grudge against him for a very long time. I held it against my mother too, for letting it go on and for paying more attention to him and his problem than me. I don't ever want my children to go through that. Not if they don't have too. My father also was sober for about 10 years before he relapsed. It has now been one year and one month since he checked himself into treatment. I am very proud of him. It took me a long time, Al Anon, an incredible mother and my choice to study this disease to be able to understand and forgive. Not everybody has that chance. You were so smart to protect your daughter from that.
lostnfound, You are so right when you say I need to cut all ties to him. Contact definitely made it easy to keep my feelings and then eventually go back to him. I honestly just don't know how to do that. Not completely anyways. His little sister and I graduated together after being really good friends since 5th grade. He and I went to the same hs of only 187 kids total. My parents still live in that town, and since we are young (I am 20), we both still are pretty good friends with people we went to hs with. No matter how far away I go and how hard I try to avoid seeing him and talking to him, I don't know how successful I will be. There are only so many aspects I can control. Do you have any ideas for me?
queenteree, Thank you for sharing your story. It is so close to my own fathers, and just reinforces what I already know (but don't want to accept). Thank you so much for your support, and good luck with your AH. I will keep you and him in my thoughts and prayers.
CBrown, You are right in saying that everyone has an ugly monkey, even those who are not addicts of any sort. But would I knowingly want to subject myself to that? No, and I definitely don't want to subject any future children to it. I love my father and understand now why he acted the way he did, but I held a grudge against him for a very long time. I held it against my mother too, for letting it go on and for paying more attention to him and his problem than me. I don't ever want my children to go through that. Not if they don't have too. My father also was sober for about 10 years before he relapsed. It has now been one year and one month since he checked himself into treatment. I am very proud of him. It took me a long time, Al Anon, an incredible mother and my choice to study this disease to be able to understand and forgive. Not everybody has that chance. You were so smart to protect your daughter from that.
lostnfound, You are so right when you say I need to cut all ties to him. Contact definitely made it easy to keep my feelings and then eventually go back to him. I honestly just don't know how to do that. Not completely anyways. His little sister and I graduated together after being really good friends since 5th grade. He and I went to the same hs of only 187 kids total. My parents still live in that town, and since we are young (I am 20), we both still are pretty good friends with people we went to hs with. No matter how far away I go and how hard I try to avoid seeing him and talking to him, I don't know how successful I will be. There are only so many aspects I can control. Do you have any ideas for me?
queenteree, Thank you for sharing your story. It is so close to my own fathers, and just reinforces what I already know (but don't want to accept). Thank you so much for your support, and good luck with your AH. I will keep you and him in my thoughts and prayers.
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