A sister who is numb with pain
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 24
A sister who is numb with pain
I need help. I dont know what to do. My brother is 30 years-old and is a cocaine/crack addict. Six months ago he was working in NYC making great money, paying a mortgage and spending time with his family and friends. He had been using drugs all his life, but was a "functioning addict". Then, he started staying out for days at a time and missing weeks of work. He agreed that he wanted to go to rehab and we sent him to a 30-day program. In this program, he did so well. He told us he never felt so happy, he was always smiling and I felt like I had my brother back. We are very close and so is my entire family.
He met another addict in rehab and on the day he left, he picked her up at a halfway house and they were gone for weeks. He lost his job, his friends and his house. He left his dog (who he loves) and now my mom is taking care of the dog. He came home after leaving for the few weeks and looked like a different person. He was so good-looking and muscular.. for the first time.. he looked like a "drug addict." He was no longer in his Banana preppy clothes, he had a beard and was barely showering. I found him a rehab to go to and he kept telling me he was going to go. He even called and made the appointment for the evaluation. Then, he left again. He has been gone for 1 month, he sends me a text message every few days to tell me he is alive. I text and call him all the time, telling him that I love him, I believe in him and I am here for him.
I am so desperate. I dont know what to do. I opened his credit card bills and he has been staying at hotels/motels. Please, help!
He met another addict in rehab and on the day he left, he picked her up at a halfway house and they were gone for weeks. He lost his job, his friends and his house. He left his dog (who he loves) and now my mom is taking care of the dog. He came home after leaving for the few weeks and looked like a different person. He was so good-looking and muscular.. for the first time.. he looked like a "drug addict." He was no longer in his Banana preppy clothes, he had a beard and was barely showering. I found him a rehab to go to and he kept telling me he was going to go. He even called and made the appointment for the evaluation. Then, he left again. He has been gone for 1 month, he sends me a text message every few days to tell me he is alive. I text and call him all the time, telling him that I love him, I believe in him and I am here for him.
I am so desperate. I dont know what to do. I opened his credit card bills and he has been staying at hotels/motels. Please, help!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome to SR. My daughter is my addict. DOC heroin. I know the absolutely helpless feeling of watching a healthy person become sick with addiction. As my daughter lost more and more of what makes a person human, I too became as sick as she. It was only when I realized that if I continued the way I was that I very well could die of this disease and I am not the addict. There is really nothing that you can do to help your brother until he wants help. You can love him but you can't stop him. I no longer snoop into my daughter's life because I know the reason she is where she is is because of addiction. Addiction is always progressive. It is just that some drugs like heroin, crack and meth will take an addict down quicker and that is what you are seeing with your brother. My daughter was able to use oxycontin for quite some time and still maintain a job, college and a relationship with me. Once she took up with her crack addict boyfriend and started using heroin and crack with him, she went down really fast. She lost everything including the dog she loved so much. Don't be surprised by what your brother is doing. It is what addicts do. The good news is that although you can't help him, you can still be happy and healthy yourself. It does not come easy but we have a saying around here and that is "Hands off the Addict." That is for your benefit because you can drive yourself crazy trying to help someone who does not want help. Take care of you. You are every bit as important. Hugs, Marle
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
IMHO (in my humble opinion)
There's nothing you can do abt. your bro ( not what you wanted to hear)
What you can do is learn to detach from him so that two lives don't go down.
From his short time in rehab he got the tools that he will remember when he gets sick + tired of being sick & tired.
Protect yourself so that his lies/stealing don't cause your family damage.
Reminding him that you love him and are there for him when he decides to seek recovery is the best you can do.
Paying for another rehab is a waste of $$$ until he wants it bad enough.
There's nothing you can do abt. your bro ( not what you wanted to hear)
What you can do is learn to detach from him so that two lives don't go down.
From his short time in rehab he got the tools that he will remember when he gets sick + tired of being sick & tired.
Protect yourself so that his lies/stealing don't cause your family damage.
Reminding him that you love him and are there for him when he decides to seek recovery is the best you can do.
Paying for another rehab is a waste of $$$ until he wants it bad enough.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by familymember 
I need help. I dont know what to do. My brother is 30 years-old and is a cocaine/crack addict. Six months ago he was working in NYC making great money, paying a mortgage and spending time with his family and friends. He had been using drugs all his life, but was a "functioning addict". Then, he started staying out for days at a time and missing weeks of work. He agreed that he wanted to go to rehab and we sent him to a 30-day program. In this program, he did so well. He told us he never felt so happy, he was always smiling and I felt like I had my brother back. We are very close and so is my entire family.
He met another addict in rehab and on the day he left, he picked her up at a halfway house and they were gone for weeks. He lost his job, his friends and his house. He left his dog (who he loves) and now my mom is taking care of the dog. He came home after leaving for the few weeks and looked like a different person. He was so good-looking and muscular.. for the first time.. he looked like a "drug addict." He was no longer in his Banana preppy clothes, he had a beard and was barely showering. I found him a rehab to go to and he kept telling me he was going to go. He even called and made the appointment for the evaluation. Then, he left again. He has been gone for 1 month, he sends me a text message every few days to tell me he is alive. I text and call him all the time, telling him that I love him, I believe in him and I am here for him.
I am so desperate. I dont know what to do. I opened his credit card bills and he has been staying at hotels/motels. Please, help!
He met another addict in rehab and on the day he left, he picked her up at a halfway house and they were gone for weeks. He lost his job, his friends and his house. He left his dog (who he loves) and now my mom is taking care of the dog. He came home after leaving for the few weeks and looked like a different person. He was so good-looking and muscular.. for the first time.. he looked like a "drug addict." He was no longer in his Banana preppy clothes, he had a beard and was barely showering. I found him a rehab to go to and he kept telling me he was going to go. He even called and made the appointment for the evaluation. Then, he left again. He has been gone for 1 month, he sends me a text message every few days to tell me he is alive. I text and call him all the time, telling him that I love him, I believe in him and I am here for him.
I am so desperate. I dont know what to do. I opened his credit card bills and he has been staying at hotels/motels. Please, help!
I used to be addicted to crystal meth, and I remember being in the place where he is (in a way) when you still love the drug, you still love the drug.
For me it took me getting to where I hated that drug more than I loved it.
It's hard to explain, but when it still 'works' you just love it. That is why you are able to leave/lose so much behind.
It has to 'stop' working before you can see reality. The danger/hard part about being clean/coming out of rehab is you know your tolerance is built back up and it's going to 'work' again.
It's a battle that 'he' has to really choose to fight himself when he is ready.
Until then I would learn as much as you can from the people on this board so he doesn't bring you down with his problem., because it's heartbreaking to watch, and you can give yourself the tools to not let it become your problem.
JMO.. :ghug
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((Family)))))
I'm so sorry for your pain. For your brother's pain.
My 26 yo son is the addict in my life.
Up until 2 yrs. ago, he was using heroin. It was a living he!! for 5 yrs.
For both of us. I spent much of that time, trying to save him and fix all
his problems for him. Until 2 yrs., ago when I came to sr, I drove myself
crazy with it.
I know you love your brother. I had 2 brothers that died due to addiction.
One was an alcoholic who died of a heart attack in his kitchen.
The other, in 1978, drowned in the river. He was an IV user.
I hate addiction and all it does to the addicts and the people that love them.
I hope you continue to come to sr and share. Also, find support at alanon/naranon meetings. Being with others who are going through tragedy
does help, believe it or not.
Sending prayers for you, your brother, and your family during this nightmare.
Also, praying that he comes to his senses and seeks recovery again.
The more they try recovery, the better chance they have of succeeding.
Hugs,
I'm so sorry for your pain. For your brother's pain.
My 26 yo son is the addict in my life.
Up until 2 yrs. ago, he was using heroin. It was a living he!! for 5 yrs.
For both of us. I spent much of that time, trying to save him and fix all
his problems for him. Until 2 yrs., ago when I came to sr, I drove myself
crazy with it.
I know you love your brother. I had 2 brothers that died due to addiction.
One was an alcoholic who died of a heart attack in his kitchen.
The other, in 1978, drowned in the river. He was an IV user.
I hate addiction and all it does to the addicts and the people that love them.
I hope you continue to come to sr and share. Also, find support at alanon/naranon meetings. Being with others who are going through tragedy
does help, believe it or not.
Sending prayers for you, your brother, and your family during this nightmare.
Also, praying that he comes to his senses and seeks recovery again.
The more they try recovery, the better chance they have of succeeding.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i am so sorry for your pain.welcome to S.R. my addict is my son. he too is a crack adict & i can tell you, you can not love them clean. my son has been on crack for 13yrs.. he has been in rehab after rehab, in & out of prison. i have learned to let go & let God.only my son can get himself clean. i can not. some never get clean.work on your self & keep coming back.this site save my sanity. i say a prayer for my son every morning & let it go.it is hard to do but with recovery it can happen.prayers for you,your brother & your family.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
My son is an addict. He's 29. He also went through a time where he had it going good, then one day it disappeared due to his starting to take drugs. He went right down hill and stayed there. He went to jail.
He got out and I insisted he take care of his own life. Sink or swim.
He decided to swim. He realizes full well that drugging has cost him everything. Now, he's working to pay off debt. It's a long road, but if he doesn't do it himself, I will wind up always paying the bill. I can't do that any more.
I know you're scared, but your brother can take care of himself. Addicts have a way of being very resourceful.
Get to alanon if you can.
He got out and I insisted he take care of his own life. Sink or swim.
He decided to swim. He realizes full well that drugging has cost him everything. Now, he's working to pay off debt. It's a long road, but if he doesn't do it himself, I will wind up always paying the bill. I can't do that any more.
I know you're scared, but your brother can take care of himself. Addicts have a way of being very resourceful.
Get to alanon if you can.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi familymember,
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Most of my siblings have had drug problems, but my current addicted loved one is my brother, also 30.
He too had a great career, bought a house he loved, and was a deep, spiritual, family-oriented guy. All were devoured by the wolves of addiction, and now he is living with his mom, a hundred thousand dollars in debt, house foreclosed, and selling luggage out of the back of his car to make ends meet.
It is horrible to watch, especially when we have tried so hard to help them find their way.
I urge you to do what I did: Find an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting somewhere near you to attend. These are for families and friends of addicts, and are a great source of support, community, and ideas. But you can only focus on YOU.....unfortunately, the nature of addiction is that he will only "take" to recovery when he's hit bottom and is ready to do it, and you can't force that.
All you can do is what you're doing: tell him you love him, and that you hope he will find his way.
I know this isn't what you came here hoping to hear, and for that I'm sorry. Read around, learn others' stories, read the sticky posts at the top of the forum, and educate yourself all you can about addiction.
And pray, if prayer is what you believe in.
Hugs to you
GL
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Most of my siblings have had drug problems, but my current addicted loved one is my brother, also 30.
He too had a great career, bought a house he loved, and was a deep, spiritual, family-oriented guy. All were devoured by the wolves of addiction, and now he is living with his mom, a hundred thousand dollars in debt, house foreclosed, and selling luggage out of the back of his car to make ends meet.
It is horrible to watch, especially when we have tried so hard to help them find their way.
I urge you to do what I did: Find an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting somewhere near you to attend. These are for families and friends of addicts, and are a great source of support, community, and ideas. But you can only focus on YOU.....unfortunately, the nature of addiction is that he will only "take" to recovery when he's hit bottom and is ready to do it, and you can't force that.
All you can do is what you're doing: tell him you love him, and that you hope he will find his way.
I know this isn't what you came here hoping to hear, and for that I'm sorry. Read around, learn others' stories, read the sticky posts at the top of the forum, and educate yourself all you can about addiction.
And pray, if prayer is what you believe in.
Hugs to you
GL
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
familymember,
All good posts above me, so I have nothing to add.
But please try to find some meetings, they will help you feel so much better.
It's hard to believe, but you will feel better.
I'm praying your brother decides to seek help...
Hugs to you, and your family....
All good posts above me, so I have nothing to add.
But please try to find some meetings, they will help you feel so much better.
It's hard to believe, but you will feel better.
I'm praying your brother decides to seek help...
Hugs to you, and your family....
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Just wanted to add a welcome and let you know that I too understand what you are going through and am sorry for the sadness you are experiencing. As everyone has said, unfortunately most of us come here looking for ways to make our addict better, and learn that only they can save themselves. But we can take care of ourselves and learn how to live with this horrible disease. I too found SR and Naranon meetings to be lifesafers. Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
My daughter (I found out after the fact) was using since age 11, but she still did well in school and just seemed a little lazy. Until she discovered crack at age 16. then heroin. since then we've had homelessness, prostitution, stealing, severe weight loss, HIV infection, arrests and warrants....
Crack is such a powerful drug. Keep loving him and keep praying he will suffer enough pain to be able to connect the dots and realize the depth of his problem. Dont', don't, don't give him money no matter what he tells you. Assume everything he says is probably a lie.
It really helps to talk to others going thru this. Welcome to the forum.
Crack is such a powerful drug. Keep loving him and keep praying he will suffer enough pain to be able to connect the dots and realize the depth of his problem. Dont', don't, don't give him money no matter what he tells you. Assume everything he says is probably a lie.
It really helps to talk to others going thru this. Welcome to the forum.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
I am a recovering crack addict and I know exactly where your brother is. Done-with-it is right.....as long as the drug is "working" for him (keeping him high, no bad consequences) it's a VERY strong pull.
I didn't seek recovery until the bad consequences outweighed the "fun" of getting high....it took me getting locked up and losing pretty much everything. I am grateful that my family allowed me to fall on my face. There's a lot to be said for having to deal with your own consequences and no one will bail you out.
Today, I'm paying back huge debts that I ignored when I was active, but I'm doing it - a little at a time. I'm also trying to find a 2nd job, but it doesn't look so great on my record that I have a conviction.
But I AM doing it, and pretty proud of myself that I chose recovery on my own. My family is tremendously supportive of me, but my actions have shown them that I'm serious about living life without crack.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but please read the posts above - you need to take care of YOU. If he truly wants recovery, he will go after it with all the energy he's using to stay high. I, personally, would not pay for another rehab. My dad offered to pay for one for me, but I knew I wasn't ready to quit and it would have just been another heartache for him. Also, I had a FREE rehab available any time I wanted it...I just didn't choose it.
Keep posting....this site has been a life-saver to me! No matter what struggles I've been through, there is NOTHING that I haven't been able to come here and discuss, and the support and advice have helped me tremendously.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I am a recovering crack addict and I know exactly where your brother is. Done-with-it is right.....as long as the drug is "working" for him (keeping him high, no bad consequences) it's a VERY strong pull.
I didn't seek recovery until the bad consequences outweighed the "fun" of getting high....it took me getting locked up and losing pretty much everything. I am grateful that my family allowed me to fall on my face. There's a lot to be said for having to deal with your own consequences and no one will bail you out.
Today, I'm paying back huge debts that I ignored when I was active, but I'm doing it - a little at a time. I'm also trying to find a 2nd job, but it doesn't look so great on my record that I have a conviction.
But I AM doing it, and pretty proud of myself that I chose recovery on my own. My family is tremendously supportive of me, but my actions have shown them that I'm serious about living life without crack.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but please read the posts above - you need to take care of YOU. If he truly wants recovery, he will go after it with all the energy he's using to stay high. I, personally, would not pay for another rehab. My dad offered to pay for one for me, but I knew I wasn't ready to quit and it would have just been another heartache for him. Also, I had a FREE rehab available any time I wanted it...I just didn't choose it.
Keep posting....this site has been a life-saver to me! No matter what struggles I've been through, there is NOTHING that I haven't been able to come here and discuss, and the support and advice have helped me tremendously.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 24
First, I wanted to thank everyone who responded to my post. The posts are helping me SO much. I know I am drowning and I am completly powerless over my brother, but I still havent accepted it. When I read people's posts about feeling freed, I really want to get there. I have been taking care of my brother since I was born, even though he is 14 months older than me. Our father is also an addict who was never around. My brother has had difficulties his entire life, with courts, drugs, school... I have been trying to save him since I can remember, there are times when I honestly feel like he is my son, as strange as that may sound. My role was to be "perfect." Trying to be "perfect" has gotten me into a lot of trouble. As a child, I knew I had to be strong for my mother. How could I let her have 2 children with issues? So I put on a smile and told her everything was fine with me, even though inside I was so depressed and scared. I am struggling with loving my brother more than I love myself. I have already lost my father to addictions and now I am losing my brother.
I am a caretaker. I act so tough and tell people all the right things like, "we need to take care of ourselves" and "dont keep things bottled up inside", but I am also a hypocrit. I cant pretend anymore and now I find myself wanting to take care of my mother as she deals with my brother's addiction. I cant look at pictures of him or think of him without crying. I really do have so many amazing memories (in spite of all this) with him, he is a wonderful person, I wish he knew that.
I will keep writing and get to a meeting.
I am a caretaker. I act so tough and tell people all the right things like, "we need to take care of ourselves" and "dont keep things bottled up inside", but I am also a hypocrit. I cant pretend anymore and now I find myself wanting to take care of my mother as she deals with my brother's addiction. I cant look at pictures of him or think of him without crying. I really do have so many amazing memories (in spite of all this) with him, he is a wonderful person, I wish he knew that.
I will keep writing and get to a meeting.
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