I am new and have some questions....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 4
I am new and have some questions....
I have done a lot of reading on addiction as my H of 7 years has been addicted to hydrocodone for the last 2 years. Our relationship has been plagued with his addictions - alcohol, pot and alcohol, alcohol, and then the hydrocodone. I had enough and threatened to leave. As a result, my H has been clean for 2 months, however he has not undergone any type of 12 step or recovery program. He is in therapy on anti-depressants and ADD meds. He's frustrated b/c I still do not trust him. He still drinks roughly 6-8 beers on his nights off. This doesn't seem helpful towards recovery. I have a few questions....1st, should he be drinking (when alcohol has been a problem in the past?) 2nd, is it unusual that he is demanding my full commitment while the addiction is only 2 months under control? I am feeling a great deal of pressure to "get over it" even though his 2 year addiction greatly affected my life and that of our 2 children. Some feedback would be greatly appreciated.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
You might want to post over on the Friends & Family of Alcoholics formum too as you get involved here. Other spouses will share their stories with you.
In my opinion his addiction is "Not under control" if he is drinking and not working a recovery program.
In my opinion his addiction is "Not under control" if he is drinking and not working a recovery program.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi, it's nice to meet you and I'm so glad you found us here at SR.
Here are two forums that are specifically for loved ones of addicts and/or alcoholics.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/
Friends and Family of Alcoholics
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers
Please take some time to read the sticky threads in our forums and especially the ones in the Friends & Family sections links- you'll find alot of helpful information and some good resources there.
Have you tried any Naranon or Al-anon meetings for yourself yet? Open AA and NA meetings are also a good way to gain understanding about good recovery.
Here are two forums that are specifically for loved ones of addicts and/or alcoholics.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/
Friends and Family of Alcoholics
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers
Please take some time to read the sticky threads in our forums and especially the ones in the Friends & Family sections links- you'll find alot of helpful information and some good resources there.
Have you tried any Naranon or Al-anon meetings for yourself yet? Open AA and NA meetings are also a good way to gain understanding about good recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 4
Thanks. I have just started Al-anon and I have been seeing a therapist for the last 3 months. I am working the steps through Al-anon, but he is content blaming depression - never once claiming to be an addict or alcoholic. Thanks for the links.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
Ummmm...
First off welcome to the boards, glad you found us, I'm sure many will be by to greet you and give their input and direct you to perhaps a more specific forum for people with family members with addiction issues as opposed to themselves ... but of course you're welcome here in NTR and anywhere else on the site you wanna post
First off, what ADD meds are we talking about? You know some (most) of those are drugs with considerable abuse potential, right? Most of them are amphetamines of one kind or another, dexedrine, adderall, and ritalin are common 'active ingredients'. So it's possible what he's doing is trading one addiction for another. I'm not saying that taking them as prescribed is necessarily a bad thing, but I'd be keeping a close eye on his intake if you can, and try to learn something about these drugs and how much it's normal for someone to be taking.
Secondly, you are right, drinking is in NO WAY helpful towards recovery. In fact, it's the very opposite of recovery, ESPECIALLY for someone who's had problems with alcohol before.
Thirdly, no it's probably not that unusual that he's demanding your full commitment under these circumstances. That doesn't mean he's necessarily 'right' to do so, but it's to be expected.
Fourth, as long as he's still drinking regularly, you are absolutely RIGHT to doubt his progress. You are RIGHT to fear he's eventually going to screw up and go back off the deep end using pain pills if he keeps drinking copious quantities on a regular basis. There's no way that this man is 'himself' under these circumstances, and I think you and you're children probably deserve a sober/clean husband/father with all you've been through already.
If I were you I'd draw the line in the sand and tell him he also needs to quit drinking and get himself to either a qualified drug counselor or start attending meetings of some type of recovery program regularly, or you are going to grab the kids and beat it. He's doing pretty much nothing aside from switching his addiction from one drug to another by the sound of it, and most people who try to do that end up back on their drug of choice eventually ... that's just the way the disease works. And they're rarely very happy campers while they use a substitute drug instead of the one that they would prefer. Especially when that's primarily due to someone else's threats or instigation.
I hate to say it, but my semi-professional opinion is that situation may not have a happy ending for you unless you or someone else like a counselor or recovery program can convince him of some things he may not want to believe about the nature of addiction and the reality of his situation. He needs more help than he's getting, of that I can say for certain based on what you've reported. I suggest you may sure you have all the help YOU may need as well, and don't your hopes up to high thinking this problem is solved just cause he's off drugs. Alcohol IS A DRUG. Period.
Good luck to you and him and your babies!!!
First off welcome to the boards, glad you found us, I'm sure many will be by to greet you and give their input and direct you to perhaps a more specific forum for people with family members with addiction issues as opposed to themselves ... but of course you're welcome here in NTR and anywhere else on the site you wanna post
First off, what ADD meds are we talking about? You know some (most) of those are drugs with considerable abuse potential, right? Most of them are amphetamines of one kind or another, dexedrine, adderall, and ritalin are common 'active ingredients'. So it's possible what he's doing is trading one addiction for another. I'm not saying that taking them as prescribed is necessarily a bad thing, but I'd be keeping a close eye on his intake if you can, and try to learn something about these drugs and how much it's normal for someone to be taking.
Secondly, you are right, drinking is in NO WAY helpful towards recovery. In fact, it's the very opposite of recovery, ESPECIALLY for someone who's had problems with alcohol before.
Thirdly, no it's probably not that unusual that he's demanding your full commitment under these circumstances. That doesn't mean he's necessarily 'right' to do so, but it's to be expected.
Fourth, as long as he's still drinking regularly, you are absolutely RIGHT to doubt his progress. You are RIGHT to fear he's eventually going to screw up and go back off the deep end using pain pills if he keeps drinking copious quantities on a regular basis. There's no way that this man is 'himself' under these circumstances, and I think you and you're children probably deserve a sober/clean husband/father with all you've been through already.
If I were you I'd draw the line in the sand and tell him he also needs to quit drinking and get himself to either a qualified drug counselor or start attending meetings of some type of recovery program regularly, or you are going to grab the kids and beat it. He's doing pretty much nothing aside from switching his addiction from one drug to another by the sound of it, and most people who try to do that end up back on their drug of choice eventually ... that's just the way the disease works. And they're rarely very happy campers while they use a substitute drug instead of the one that they would prefer. Especially when that's primarily due to someone else's threats or instigation.
I hate to say it, but my semi-professional opinion is that situation may not have a happy ending for you unless you or someone else like a counselor or recovery program can convince him of some things he may not want to believe about the nature of addiction and the reality of his situation. He needs more help than he's getting, of that I can say for certain based on what you've reported. I suggest you may sure you have all the help YOU may need as well, and don't your hopes up to high thinking this problem is solved just cause he's off drugs. Alcohol IS A DRUG. Period.
Good luck to you and him and your babies!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 4
I truly appreciate your perspective. This is what I needed to hear, thank you. I am in a very good position to be able to pick up the kids and leave within a few months. Obviously, there's a great deal of guilt associated with this type of decision and stress over being in limbo. I have been going to therapy for several months. I appreciate the suggestion, because it has been very helpful. Honestly, I am done watching the drug intake. I just can't do it anymore. I can't draw any more lines in the sand. I am exhausted. I think the happy ending will happen once I get my s*&^ together and leave. If anything his addiction has taught me that I can rely on myself and that I am stronger than I ever realized. You're right, he is not a happy camper. In fact, there are some days I wish he would start taking the vicodine again so he can stop obsessing about me and my next move. He's chugging 2-3 energy drinks a day in addition to the adderall, sleeping an average of 4 hours a day. There seems to be little to no basis for recovery. We've been through so much I can't keep gambling on a miracle especially as I start watching my 6 year old take responsibility for behaviors that aren't hers. Thank you, you have provided me with a great sense of peace tonight.
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