lying, lying, lying!
krhea75
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
lying, lying, lying!
Well, my AS has been harrassing me about coming home from the Oxford House and he wants to get a pit bull. I've told him no to both. So he decided to take things in his own hands. He came home for an overnight this week and supposedly went back on Friday. I found out today that he is still in town. He just pulled this stunt 3 weeks ago. He called me and assured me he was back at the oxford house, which is hard to tell on a cell phone. So I called the oxford house. They said he was at home visiting his family. Now he's missed the bus back and there is an ice storm coming.
I feel angry at him for continuously lying to me, I feel angry at myself for being duped again. If I don't take him back, he would go to jail. His drug tests have been clean and he has been attending the outpatient sessions. He just thinks he can do what he wants. The last time he did this, his counselor told me the best thing to do was get him back to the Oxford house as soon as possible. This may sound heartless, but I just feel done with him. I feel like, "go on, you figure it out. you go to jail and deal with the consequences." But is that the best thing? He is 17, and I feel like writing him off.
The sad thing was that when he was home on Thursday night, he was so nice and kind, something I hadn't seen in a while. And I fell for it. I wanted so badly to think he was coming around, even though he had been a real jerk to me on Tuesday when I stopped in to see him on my way home from a conference. 2 days later and I buy it. My naivety is astounding sometimes.
krhrea
I feel angry at him for continuously lying to me, I feel angry at myself for being duped again. If I don't take him back, he would go to jail. His drug tests have been clean and he has been attending the outpatient sessions. He just thinks he can do what he wants. The last time he did this, his counselor told me the best thing to do was get him back to the Oxford house as soon as possible. This may sound heartless, but I just feel done with him. I feel like, "go on, you figure it out. you go to jail and deal with the consequences." But is that the best thing? He is 17, and I feel like writing him off.
The sad thing was that when he was home on Thursday night, he was so nice and kind, something I hadn't seen in a while. And I fell for it. I wanted so badly to think he was coming around, even though he had been a real jerk to me on Tuesday when I stopped in to see him on my way home from a conference. 2 days later and I buy it. My naivety is astounding sometimes.
krhrea
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Krhrea,
I know he is young, but he is "almost" legal age and has to learn sometime...It isn't going to happen if you don't do what you know in your heart you must. He may not be using, but he is still acting like an active addict...
I am a true believer that nothing changes if nothing changes. You are not being cold; you are doing the most loving thing you can possibly do for your son...letting him fly on his own. He is never going to believe he has choices and he has consequences for his actions if you assume the consequences for him. Jail as a 17 year old is better than jail as an adult...Maybe it is time he faces the music.
I'm sorry; I know this is heartbreaking, but I do agree with you. Hang on tight...we are here for you. Hugs and prayers
I know he is young, but he is "almost" legal age and has to learn sometime...It isn't going to happen if you don't do what you know in your heart you must. He may not be using, but he is still acting like an active addict...
I am a true believer that nothing changes if nothing changes. You are not being cold; you are doing the most loving thing you can possibly do for your son...letting him fly on his own. He is never going to believe he has choices and he has consequences for his actions if you assume the consequences for him. Jail as a 17 year old is better than jail as an adult...Maybe it is time he faces the music.
I'm sorry; I know this is heartbreaking, but I do agree with you. Hang on tight...we are here for you. Hugs and prayers
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Oh hon... I remember that pain. (((BigHugs)))
For some of us - this IS the only way we learn. When I started looking at having my kids leave... and it took a while... I had to finally "get" that it was what a responsible parent DOES.... we try to give our kids the lessons they need to become responsible adults.
Mine both need court intervention to "get" it.
I wish you both well. (((hugs)))
I feel like, "go on, you figure it out. you go to jail and deal with the consequences." But is that the best thing? He is 17, and I feel like writing him off.
Mine both need court intervention to "get" it.
I wish you both well. (((hugs)))
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
[QUOTE=krhea75;1594279]Well, my AS has been harrassing me about coming home from the Oxford House and he wants to get a pit bull.
OH!!! THAT IS JUST INSANE..... WTH....
I've told him no to both. So he decided to take things in his own hands. He came home for an overnight this week and supposedly went back on Friday. I found out today that he is still in town. He just pulled this stunt 3 weeks ago. He called me and assured me he was back at the oxford house, which is hard to tell on a cell phone. So I called the oxford house. They said he was at home visiting his family. Now he's missed the bus back and there is an ice storm coming.
I feel angry at him for continuously lying to me, I feel angry at myself for being duped again. If I don't take him back, he would go to jail. His drug tests have been clean and he has been attending the outpatient sessions. He just thinks he can do what he wants. The last time he did this, his counselor told me the best thing to do was get him back to the Oxford house as soon as possible.
This may sound heartless, but I just feel done with him. I feel like, "go on, you figure it out. you go to jail and deal with the consequences." But is that the best thing? He is 17, and I feel like writing him off.
Well you could let him figure it out at 17 or 37?
The sad thing was that when he was home on Thursday night, he was so nice and kind, something I hadn't seen in a while. And I fell for it. I wanted so badly to think he was coming around, even though he had been a real jerk to me on Tuesday when I stopped in to see him on my way home from a conference.
My step brother is like that to my parents, and it never freakin fails, never.
They don't change in two days. I don't care what it is. If they are nice like that, it's cause they want something... I have never had the gall to treat my parents like I watch my siblings treat my parents, they are nice when they want something, when they don't need them, they are mean.
My parents are kind of learning, but they still fall for it, because they want to 'believe'...
2 days later and I buy it. My naivety is astounding sometimes.
Nah, it's not, it's a normal parent thing. My parents are very smart, and they fall for it also, my brother isn't that much into drugs, but he is into being an ass.
I'd let him learn the consequences, I wish my parents had let my brothers fall on their faces maybe they wouldn't be the losers they are now.
I love them, but they are losers who just use people, it's pathetic.
Teach him now, if you have the opportunity.
That's my 2 cents...
I'm thankful my Mom taught me I couldn't treat people like that, she'd have kicked my ass before she'd let me treat people like that, she's have created her own jail for me if she had too.
Serioiusly.
krhrea
OH!!! THAT IS JUST INSANE..... WTH....
I've told him no to both. So he decided to take things in his own hands. He came home for an overnight this week and supposedly went back on Friday. I found out today that he is still in town. He just pulled this stunt 3 weeks ago. He called me and assured me he was back at the oxford house, which is hard to tell on a cell phone. So I called the oxford house. They said he was at home visiting his family. Now he's missed the bus back and there is an ice storm coming.
I feel angry at him for continuously lying to me, I feel angry at myself for being duped again. If I don't take him back, he would go to jail. His drug tests have been clean and he has been attending the outpatient sessions. He just thinks he can do what he wants. The last time he did this, his counselor told me the best thing to do was get him back to the Oxford house as soon as possible.
This may sound heartless, but I just feel done with him. I feel like, "go on, you figure it out. you go to jail and deal with the consequences." But is that the best thing? He is 17, and I feel like writing him off.
Well you could let him figure it out at 17 or 37?
The sad thing was that when he was home on Thursday night, he was so nice and kind, something I hadn't seen in a while. And I fell for it. I wanted so badly to think he was coming around, even though he had been a real jerk to me on Tuesday when I stopped in to see him on my way home from a conference.
My step brother is like that to my parents, and it never freakin fails, never.
They don't change in two days. I don't care what it is. If they are nice like that, it's cause they want something... I have never had the gall to treat my parents like I watch my siblings treat my parents, they are nice when they want something, when they don't need them, they are mean.
My parents are kind of learning, but they still fall for it, because they want to 'believe'...
2 days later and I buy it. My naivety is astounding sometimes.
Nah, it's not, it's a normal parent thing. My parents are very smart, and they fall for it also, my brother isn't that much into drugs, but he is into being an ass.
I'd let him learn the consequences, I wish my parents had let my brothers fall on their faces maybe they wouldn't be the losers they are now.
I love them, but they are losers who just use people, it's pathetic.
Teach him now, if you have the opportunity.
That's my 2 cents...
I'm thankful my Mom taught me I couldn't treat people like that, she'd have kicked my ass before she'd let me treat people like that, she's have created her own jail for me if she had too.
Serioiusly.
krhrea
krhea75
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Thanks all. He just texted me that this "friend" will give him a ride back tomorrow. I didn't answer him, so he called me. I told him I was done with him, he would have to figure it out. He sounded sad, but I told him good luck.
I feel like **** right now.
krhea
I feel like **** right now.
krhea
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by krhea75 
Thanks all. He just texted me that this "friend" will give him a ride back tomorrow. I didn't answer him, so he called me. I told him I was done with him, he would have to figure it out. He sounded sad, but I told him good luck.
I feel like **** right now.
krhea
I feel like **** right now.
krhea
You did good, your helping him grow and to become a better person. Would you rather someone helped you to become a better person or helped you to become a shallow person. I think you know you made the right decision.
Your a good Mom, you should be proud of yourself.
8 
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Hugs to you,
I remember the day the same thing happened to me, I reliquiished all responsibility and turned it over to my sons H.P.
When we keep shielding them from what may happen, IMO, we're just stopping them moving forward...I should know, I sure did it enough myself.
It's amazing what changes you'll see, when you finally say, enough is enough.
Hugs to you,
I remember the day the same thing happened to me, I reliquiished all responsibility and turned it over to my sons H.P.
When we keep shielding them from what may happen, IMO, we're just stopping them moving forward...I should know, I sure did it enough myself.
It's amazing what changes you'll see, when you finally say, enough is enough.
Hugs to you,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Son out of Oxford House a few days....
Hi krhea,
My sister-in-law had to have her son, my nephew, arrested for steaing her paycheck and cashing it. This is my brother's son.
He was sentenced to a year in treatment and was 16 years old. After he completed that year, he stayed in a Halfway House that must be simular to the Oxford House. He was there for two years and then went out on his own with his girlfriend that is in recovery too.
He is doing so well now and just about yells out his sobriety days to me when he sees me. He got his old job back and he and his girl are buying their own home.
I know it doesn't happen this easy but believe me this was the last resort for my nephew. He started stealing when he was 12 years old to get money for drugs and alcohol. :puppet
kelsh
My sister-in-law had to have her son, my nephew, arrested for steaing her paycheck and cashing it. This is my brother's son.
He was sentenced to a year in treatment and was 16 years old. After he completed that year, he stayed in a Halfway House that must be simular to the Oxford House. He was there for two years and then went out on his own with his girlfriend that is in recovery too.
He is doing so well now and just about yells out his sobriety days to me when he sees me. He got his old job back and he and his girl are buying their own home.
I know it doesn't happen this easy but believe me this was the last resort for my nephew. He started stealing when he was 12 years old to get money for drugs and alcohol. :puppet
kelsh
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I know it is hard, but time for him to face his own consequences. Next time, don't let him come home. If he wants to lie and come back to your city and spend time with old friends, then that is what he will do. His consequences will catch up to him sooner or later. Sooner may be better. Hugs, Marle
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
I'm sorry you have to go through this crap during the holidays.
I've been through what your going through. It's tough, I know.
Sending you big hugs, loads of prayers, and unlimited support.
I'm on your team. Do what you need to do for your own sanity.
(((((((Krhea))))))))))
I've been through what your going through. It's tough, I know.
Sending you big hugs, loads of prayers, and unlimited support.
I'm on your team. Do what you need to do for your own sanity.
(((((((Krhea))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
My son had just turned 18 when he got caught the first time for B&E. I had no problems with letting go and letting him go to jail, but after he had been there a month, a counselor told me it was 'enough tough love' and it was okay to bail him out.
On the day I went to pay the bond, I was on my way to go pick AS up from jail. I got a call on my cell from a new church friend happened to be an addictions specialist. He told us not to bail him out and we were ready to listen, so I rescinded the bail and lost all the money to the bondsman. I had to move fast so they wouldn't release him before I arrived back at the jail.
The staff were angry because they had done all the paperwork for nothing and my son, who had not spoken to me since we changed our mind...had no idea what had occured. He was literally on the other side of a door from where I stood. I knew it was the right thing to do but my emotions were all over the place that day.
It was very traumatizing, but it was the best thing because less than a week went by before our new friend made contacts with a halfway house who would take our son into their custody. He ended up staying there off and on for about 3 years over a 5 year period. He completed the program successfully twice and had stayed on as staff.
After his last 8 month successful stay...he went out for more 'research' and was arrested 7 months later. He spent the next year in a boot camp and 4 months in a county halfway facility. He's been clean now since May of '05, has a good job a wonderful fiancee and it looks like his using days are over.
This year's holiday time is especially wonderful for us because it is the first year in a very long time to have him not only here for the the special days but to have him clean and 'his better self' again.
I'll never regret letting him face his consequences.
On the day I went to pay the bond, I was on my way to go pick AS up from jail. I got a call on my cell from a new church friend happened to be an addictions specialist. He told us not to bail him out and we were ready to listen, so I rescinded the bail and lost all the money to the bondsman. I had to move fast so they wouldn't release him before I arrived back at the jail.
The staff were angry because they had done all the paperwork for nothing and my son, who had not spoken to me since we changed our mind...had no idea what had occured. He was literally on the other side of a door from where I stood. I knew it was the right thing to do but my emotions were all over the place that day.
It was very traumatizing, but it was the best thing because less than a week went by before our new friend made contacts with a halfway house who would take our son into their custody. He ended up staying there off and on for about 3 years over a 5 year period. He completed the program successfully twice and had stayed on as staff.
After his last 8 month successful stay...he went out for more 'research' and was arrested 7 months later. He spent the next year in a boot camp and 4 months in a county halfway facility. He's been clean now since May of '05, has a good job a wonderful fiancee and it looks like his using days are over.
This year's holiday time is especially wonderful for us because it is the first year in a very long time to have him not only here for the the special days but to have him clean and 'his better self' again.
I'll never regret letting him face his consequences.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Remember the sticky What Addicts Do?
At top of the list is LIE.
I try to keep that in mind that anything my son says could be a lie.
I feel your frustration. I hope things get better for you.
At top of the list is LIE.
I try to keep that in mind that anything my son says could be a lie.
I feel your frustration. I hope things get better for you.
krhea75
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Thanks for the stories and advice. I know it is the right thing to do. If we don't quit believing him, he will never quit lying to us. One of those paradoxes that seems so odd. it is late and I am having trouble getting to sleep. I love you guys for your support.
krhea
krhea
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by marle
I know it is hard, but time for him to face his own consequences. Next time, don't let him come home. If he wants to lie and come back to your city and spend time with old friends, then that is what he will do. His consequences will catch up to him sooner or later. Sooner may be better. Hugs, Marle
My AS ran away from a halfway house in another state and announced his intention to move back home. We told him NO and my wife quickly arranged for him to move into another halfway house in a nearby city. Well, guess what? He stole a car from another resident and headed straight to his friend's house. The police picked him up a few days later.
When we visit him in prison now, he says "halfway houses don't work for me." LOL.
There seems to be some kind of gravitational force that causes addict children to continually try to move back home. If they can't do that then they want to live as close by as possible. Personally I think it's because they think the family will be easiest to take advantage of with the lowest risk of consequences.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
krhea75
sending you hugs and prayers. I had to have my son leave and it was the hardest thing I had to do. It might be better if your son goes to jail now instead of when he is 18. As a minor his record will be sealed, as an adult it is not. Let him suffer for his mistakes, I know easier said than done.
Hugs coming from another mom
sending you hugs and prayers. I had to have my son leave and it was the hardest thing I had to do. It might be better if your son goes to jail now instead of when he is 18. As a minor his record will be sealed, as an adult it is not. Let him suffer for his mistakes, I know easier said than done.
Hugs coming from another mom
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