Unspoken boundaries
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Unspoken boundaries
I've been separated now for a month . . . it is all starting to sink in as reality to me now.
My daughter is spending the weekend with AH, but she has a couple of music performances (tonight and tomorrow). AH is disabled and because of that cannot drive; so I have to make sure she gets to the performances. I also will take AH so that he can watch the performances. That means that I get to spend all evening tonight and all afternoon tomorrow with AH. This will be very awkward, as we have not spoken other than logistics since I left last month.
That in itself is an issue that is causing problems for me. I am no longer in the house, I don't know whether he is still drinking or not. My position is -- if he wants me back and wants to work on things, he needs to take the initiative. He seems to be just sitting there being pitiful waiting for me to feel sorry enough for him that I will discuss what we need to do to work things out. My family keeps asking me -- has he told his family, etc.? My response is I don't know, and it does not involve me so I have to stay out of it. I really want to know, but feel if I start asking it opens the door for him to turn over his responsibilities to me (which is really the crux of our problems even before the drinking surfaced). And now that we have to spend so much time together this weekend, it will be either silent treatment or me jumping in to take on these issues just so we are talking about something????
It's like I have set my boundaries (he would have to be in serious recovery before I would even think about coming back); but he doesn't know what the boundaries are, so I feel like I need a little closure and need to tell him; but I think it is his responsibility to ask??? Does that make any sense?
My daughter is spending the weekend with AH, but she has a couple of music performances (tonight and tomorrow). AH is disabled and because of that cannot drive; so I have to make sure she gets to the performances. I also will take AH so that he can watch the performances. That means that I get to spend all evening tonight and all afternoon tomorrow with AH. This will be very awkward, as we have not spoken other than logistics since I left last month.
That in itself is an issue that is causing problems for me. I am no longer in the house, I don't know whether he is still drinking or not. My position is -- if he wants me back and wants to work on things, he needs to take the initiative. He seems to be just sitting there being pitiful waiting for me to feel sorry enough for him that I will discuss what we need to do to work things out. My family keeps asking me -- has he told his family, etc.? My response is I don't know, and it does not involve me so I have to stay out of it. I really want to know, but feel if I start asking it opens the door for him to turn over his responsibilities to me (which is really the crux of our problems even before the drinking surfaced). And now that we have to spend so much time together this weekend, it will be either silent treatment or me jumping in to take on these issues just so we are talking about something????
It's like I have set my boundaries (he would have to be in serious recovery before I would even think about coming back); but he doesn't know what the boundaries are, so I feel like I need a little closure and need to tell him; but I think it is his responsibility to ask??? Does that make any sense?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
I'm a little confused. Is his drinking the reason why you left? And if so, does he know that? If so, then it would appear that he would already know what to do, no? Sorry, the coffee hasn't kicked yet...perhaps I've missed something?
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
ICU -
Yes he knows that drinking was why I left. We went round and round about it from July until Nov. He claimed to have "cut down" -- but I confronted him about how he was still drinking every day and hiding it from me. He denied it and I told him I could not tolerate lying; so I left.
Didn't include all the background the first time -- sorry!
Yes he knows that drinking was why I left. We went round and round about it from July until Nov. He claimed to have "cut down" -- but I confronted him about how he was still drinking every day and hiding it from me. He denied it and I told him I could not tolerate lying; so I left.
Didn't include all the background the first time -- sorry!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
That's ok! BTW, if I didn't welcome you before...Welcome to SR!
Since he already knows that your boundaries include no drinking and no lying, what else is there for you to say?
Perhaps you're just looking to hear what progress he has made, if any? Since you're not there, it's hard for you to know without asking.
Since he already knows that your boundaries include no drinking and no lying, what else is there for you to say?
Perhaps you're just looking to hear what progress he has made, if any? Since you're not there, it's hard for you to know without asking.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: St. Petersburg, Florida
Posts: 684
Now,
welcome to SR... I would agree that he probably knows your boundaries on drinking and lying and I would say if he's still drinking or even stopped for this month, he is still probably not accepting that he needs to even change his life. I found that it took a couple months for AH to even get part of the program and accept that he is an addict and needs help. Your AH's recovery is his own and he will have to make those choices about how he wants to deal with his recovery or not. The best you can do is to state your boundaries clear of what is acceptable for you and what is not acceptable.
Best wishes for the weekend. Hang in there,
aj
welcome to SR... I would agree that he probably knows your boundaries on drinking and lying and I would say if he's still drinking or even stopped for this month, he is still probably not accepting that he needs to even change his life. I found that it took a couple months for AH to even get part of the program and accept that he is an addict and needs help. Your AH's recovery is his own and he will have to make those choices about how he wants to deal with his recovery or not. The best you can do is to state your boundaries clear of what is acceptable for you and what is not acceptable.
Best wishes for the weekend. Hang in there,
aj
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
ICU - yes I want to know how he is doing; but I don't want to ask for two reasons - #1 I wouldn't believe what he told me anyway; and #2 it may give him hope that if he says he is not drinking, that I will move back home (I will not).
It was extremely awkward being around him so much this weekend. The performance Sat. night was at a bar (daughter plays in a rock band). AH made a big point of drinking ice water (normally would be beer & lots of it). I did not initiate any conversation, and he tried a little bit but got the hint after my one-word answers. I do not want to make small talk with him!!
My daughter went home with a friend this afternoon so it was just AH and I in the car as I took him home (15 min). That is the only time we have been alone together since I moved out. If he wanted to talk about "issues" it was his perfect opportunity. I will talk about the "issues", I will tell him again why I left and tell him why I don't think I could ever come back. I've said it so many times before, though, that I am not going to bring it up again. Not a word in the car, not a single word. Not until we got home, then he gets out of the car and says in a poor sad voice "I miss you" -- that's it. Pity is all he knows, he feels so sorry for himself and everyone should feel sorry for him. I don't know how to react. Silence seems to be the best option???
It was extremely awkward being around him so much this weekend. The performance Sat. night was at a bar (daughter plays in a rock band). AH made a big point of drinking ice water (normally would be beer & lots of it). I did not initiate any conversation, and he tried a little bit but got the hint after my one-word answers. I do not want to make small talk with him!!
My daughter went home with a friend this afternoon so it was just AH and I in the car as I took him home (15 min). That is the only time we have been alone together since I moved out. If he wanted to talk about "issues" it was his perfect opportunity. I will talk about the "issues", I will tell him again why I left and tell him why I don't think I could ever come back. I've said it so many times before, though, that I am not going to bring it up again. Not a word in the car, not a single word. Not until we got home, then he gets out of the car and says in a poor sad voice "I miss you" -- that's it. Pity is all he knows, he feels so sorry for himself and everyone should feel sorry for him. I don't know how to react. Silence seems to be the best option???
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Yup, silence sounds like a good option to me.
Even if he has stopped drinking, well, its too soon for it to be a permanent change and the larger question is whether he would also be in a recovery program.
But the bottom line remains, what do you want for you?
Even if he has stopped drinking, well, its too soon for it to be a permanent change and the larger question is whether he would also be in a recovery program.
But the bottom line remains, what do you want for you?
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