mish99

So I havnt been on the threads for a long time, and even when I was on them, I didnt really post. But today I just dont know what to do....

My brother is a drug addict. Ive lived with it for 6 years. Hes been in 4 rehabs. We bailed him out of jail. We spent all our money on him. My father has no pension because of him. And just when you think life is getting better, its suddenly goes all downhill again, and even more worse than before.

My brother had been clean for about 6 -7 months. He got himself clean, and he was great. We finally started to get our hopes up again, and started to open our hearts. 5 months ago, we find out that his girlfriend is pregnant. We knew this would either make my brother want to stay clean, or it would pull him down even furthur.

And then, all the signs. You know, the signs that tell you that the drug addict is back on drugs....he started sleeping alot more, quit his job, became irratable and everything else started falling into place. My brother hangs out with big gangsters, they have been to our door before demanding money. My family and I have been threatened. We though it was getting better.

Last night my brother beat his pregnant girlfriend up. Took her cellphone so she couldnt call anyone, and locked her in her flat. Today we took her to the doctor, her and her baby are fine, then the police station and laid a charge of assault against him. We are getting a restraining order on Monday. We packed up all his things and threw him out of his girlfriends flat. All he had with him was the clothes on his back. He was crying for help and all I wanted to do was tell him I loved him and that everything would be alright, but I knew I couldnt.

He phoned us and told us he was turning himself in at the police station. I hate him for what he has done, I hate him for hitting his girlfriend, I hate him for taking drugs again, I hate him for putting our family in danger, I hate him for hurting us once again, but I love him with all my heart and right now my heart is breaking. Im praying that he will be alright in jail for the weekend, im praying that the judge wont send him to prison (prisons in South Africa are not the same in America) , im praying that somehow we will find money to help him. But I know I cant do this anymore. I had opened my heart to my brother and let him in, I started to actually like him, and now this. My dreams are being thrown away. I was saving to go work in London in a few months, but I dont want to leave my mother on her own. My parents are still happily married, but my father had to go work in Dubai to make enough money to support us, and at the moment he is in pakistan, so im scared of leaving my mom behind, and my unborn nephew. Im 17, I love my brother, and I am terrified of what the future holds......

Im sorry this is so long, but I really needed to get this off my chest.

Ann

Mish, there is a saying here, "Love the addict, hate the disease". I know with my own son I had to separate the person he used to be from the person he had become.

As much as it pains you, your brother has consequences to pay for his actions and we just never know when those consequences might be the turning point for them.

What helps me accept that my son is missing and I don't know where or how he is, is to say a prayer each morning asking God to take care of him, then spending the rest of the day in peace, knowing He will.

Hugs

marle

I am sorry that you are hurting. Your brother used, beat up his girlfriend and now he must face the consequences for those actions. Like Ann said, maybe this will be his turning point. Maybe he will decide that he needs to do something differently to stay clean. Or maybe he will just use the next opportunity (whether a happy or sad occasion) to use again. It is out of your hands, you never had any control to begin with. Say a prayer and let his HP take the wheel. Hugs, Marle

sleepygoat

This disease really does suck. No question.
But pressing charges is the right thing to do. Bailing him out later is not.
that sends a message that consequences aren't really real.

mish99

Thanks for the posts!

I understand that there is absoloutly nothing I can do, but I suppose a part of me feels guilty for some odd reason, even though I know I did nothing. We have totally washed our hands of him, no more bail. I think that he has gotten such a fright!!! I just wish it didnt hurt so much, and I really miss him, the person not the drugs. Im just afraid for his life......

Its such a horrible feeling knowing that you cant save someone. Hes my brother, I would do anything for him, but I cant, its his choice.

Ann, thanks for that post! Its so hard to keep faith in times like these, but I know I cannot do it alone and God has always pulled me through in the past....

Lynette57

I am sorry you are going through this at such a young age.

This may sound hearless, but I would like to see you go to London and get on with your life.

Your brother has to work out his own issues, you cannot help him by staying there and cleaning up his mess.

You are entitled to a future and happiness if you want it.

All the time my daughter has been using and causing Chaos in my life I never once made her younger brother who is your age feel responsible.

He doesnt need to grow up being codependent.

He has compassion for her, but he is eintitled to chase his own dreams and life.

This could go on for years and you only have a chnace to be a young adult once.

I realize that you feel resposible for your mom also.

I grew up in a family where I was made to feel resposible for there bad financial choices.

And guess what things never changed no matter what I did to help. It only changed when I stopped.

mish99

Thanks for the advice....my heart is really set on giong to London, maybe even volunteer in South America....

My mom tells me I must go, she says I cant stay just because I want to know she is safe, maybe there will always be a part of me that will feel that way.

mish99

Haha, and the funniest thing just happened, my brother rang the doorbell and my mom just let him in....after all we went through today and telling him we want nothing to do with him, she lets him in....I know its her son, and this has been hard on her, but she should stick to what she says

Lynette57

Time for you to spread your own wings and fly.

10 years could pass and you could be doing the same thing.

kj21

I know it must be so hard for you! My brother died 2 1/2 years ago. I loved him too!! He made some choices that were not so good, my dad tried to help him but in the end we must all understand we have our own life to live. we can love people but must set them take responsibility for thier own actions. It is the hardest lesson to learn, but a valuable one. You have a full life ahead of you, make sure it is a hapy one!

Done_With_It

I always say to myself and to others, we have to do things that make us uncomfortable. If we don't we stay stagnant, and then like Lynette said in ten years from now we are still 'comfortable' but we are wondering why things are 'still the same' but worse.

Uncomfortable is a Good Thing. I have two years clean off of meth and I didn't get here by being comfortable. We get to where we want to be by pushing ourselves a little bit all the time. And I know how hard it is to break away from Mom, I always wanted to protect her, but she's a big girl, and if you move away from her it will force her to take care of herself.

I agree with the others, Spread your own wings and fly, don't let your brothers drug addiction hold you back, that would be a double tragedy.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.

krhea75

Mish,
You are a good brother and a good son. But don't put others before youself. What do you want ? I am praying for you.
krhea

splendra

((((mish99))))

I am so sorry for what you and your family are going thru. I have several siblings that are like your brother. I can't be with them much and it really hurts me alot that we cannot be a unified family.

Experience has taught me that I have to take care of me...

kelsh

Hi Mish,

My brother is still out there and I haven't heard a word from him in almost two years.

He had been sober 14 years when he had a suspended sentence over his head but when that was done...he started drinking and using again...he is 65 years old and living on social security.

I liked what someone said: "You can love your brother and hate the disease of addiction...drugs/alcohol."

I love my brother very much and do understand an addiction since I am an alcoholic in recovery myself.

I would do anything for my brother but jeopardize my sobriety. He knows this too, because after our parents were gone, he wanted me to bail him out of jail and I refused to do this. He had his estate money that he would be getting so I told him to get a lawyer where the will is being probated and get some of your own money to bail yourself out.

He did do that and then paid to go to alcohol in-patient treatment again so it would look good to the judge...drank all the way to treatment and drank as soon as he got out. His girlfriend finally left him over all of his escapades. :atv

So now he has a new girlfriend, that had a brother she was caring for die from alcoholism & diabetes, that is wanting to "take care" of my brother. She has a cabin at the ocean and that is where my brother hides out from the world.

kelsh

hope213

good advice ahead of me. i am senging prayers for your brother & your family.