Meeting widow

Old 12-07-2007, 05:06 PM
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Meeting widow

I was warned and I have no right complaining but my goodness, so many meetings!!

AH has been clean for 11 days and he is hitting at least two meetings a day - once during the day and then again the evening. He told me the reason he is doing so much right now is he's trying to find someone he connects with that he can partner up with and work the steps. I don't really know what he's talking about so I'll have to get debriefed tonight on AA/NA lingo. Don't get me wrong, I am SO GLAD he's going and I see my husband coming back every day. We have talked more in the past 7 days than we have in the last 17 months! He is so intelligent and he's such a good conversationalist! He's been high for so long and I"ve missed him so much. He smiles again! I'm smiling again.

I know I'm being selfish. I don't resent it really but I still feel like a single parent, well sorta. I know I need to go to meetings of my own but how can I when he's bopping off here and there. Thank God I have SR - 24/7 - anywhere anytime at my fingertips!!

Thank you
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Old 12-07-2007, 07:46 PM
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Meetings is a very important part of early recovery. They suggest at least 90 meetings in 90 days. Its also good for him to find people that he can identify with and who understand what hes been through and what hes going through. This happens alot when the significant other gets clean the other person start s to feel neglected when the throw themselves into meetings and staying clean. This is great for him. He has only been clean 11 days thats not alot of time right now he really needs to pretty much focus on nothing but his recovery as its SO easy to relapse and slip back to the drugs. The cravings and everything else right now are probably hard for him to deal with so this is good that he is being so focused on the meetings.

I'm sure you would rather have him at meetings than out using or shooting drugs. I am a pill addict I understand what he is going through I understand how hard it is to get clean and stay clean. Its not like he stopped using so hes all done. Quitting in the easy part staying clean is the hard part. Give him sometime let this be is main focus and priority right now. There are people on this board who have been clean for 20+ years and still attend meetings daily its how they stay focused and stay clean and learn how to live life on lifes terms and not to turn to drugs when things get tough.
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Old 12-08-2007, 05:53 AM
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Yes, like I said, I was warned that this would probably be the hard part, not to get lost while he tends to his recovery. It's actually early Saturday morning and he's already planning to go to another meeting in about 2 hours. Not how I planned on spending the day but he has to do what he has to do. I certainly like him better this way and he's getting back to the man I fell in love with and married and that's what is most important. I want the kids to understand that I didn't marry an ass, I married him and this is the real him - the one I saw and swept me off my feet!

I'm okay - really.
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Old 12-08-2007, 07:43 AM
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Have you thought of attending meetings, also?
Sometimes his meetings are open meetings,
so you can go to those, or your very own Alanon,
or Naranon meetings.


A few weeks ago, both of my sons attended an AA meeting in the same building where my Alanon meeting meets, so we all rode together...it made for good conversation on the ride home...we were all so full of recovery!



Hugs,
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Old 12-08-2007, 05:13 PM
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Yes, as a matter of fact, we are trying to figure out how to go together to some speaker meeting but we have an issue with babysitting. He's lost his job so we are Sooooo in the hole and can't afford to pay anybody. I will go to a meeting when he figures out which meetings on which nights he's going to go to. He's sponsor hunting too so there's the other reason for so many meetings.

He's at another meeting tonight. The second one today and says he feels guilty leaving me at home with the baby but I told him that I was prepared for this and fully warned that the recovery process was not necessarily going to be easy either (thank you ladies and gentlemen). We are going to church together tomorrow so there IS something we can do together. I know once he is working again, the meetings will slow down some. I think alot of it too is he's stir crazy and tired of sitting around the house e-mailing resume's or pounding the pavement. He needs to reconnect and knows so many people as he is a substance abuse counselor by trade but is having to take a break from counseling per his doctor's orders (and state regulations). I know he's lost and it's gotta be hard not giving advice or telling someone how to recover when he lost his way himself.

Thank you for you input and any advice or ideas are always welcome. This is my meeting for now. Your stories are from where I draw strength and hope.
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Old 12-09-2007, 07:50 AM
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Devasted -

so understand how you are feeling. Early on I felt those same feelings and found that developing my own recovery program made such a huge difference for me and my serenity and happiness. There are many meetings that I go to where babies/children are there. Anything that he puts before his recovery he is going to lose eventually anyway. It's a long slow road but it all sorts out.

A very wise counselor told us both in my RAH's early days that the only way that our relationship would work is if we both worked a strong recovery. I'm glad that I made the effort to do that - it has helped me so much through the last few years.

Peace, Donna
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Old 12-09-2007, 10:01 AM
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Well, I told you to go by his ACTIONS.....guess he's doing pretty darn good in that area, huh?

And I am NOT saying "told ya so"....I'm actually very happy that he is working so hard at his recovery, but I do understand how you're feeling. Years ago, when I first tried to get clean, I actually spent holidays at the AA club instead of with my dad and stepmom. My dad was furious and said "you're putting them ahead of us".

What he didn't realize, was I was putting my recovery first. Right now you're newly-recovering AH has a lot going on. He's dealing with what he's put you and the family through, losing his job and trying to find another, financial worries.....and how to deal with all this and NOT use. That doesn't mean YOU aren't going through a lot, too, and I hope you find a way to get to a meeting, but honestly....I get everything I need from the great folks here at SR (that's just me...isn't enough for everyone).

If he's like most of us RA's, we are impatient to make amends and it takes a while to realize we can't rush it. I was like a lot of people....."just give me the 12 steps and I'll get them done tonite" - doesn't work that way. Once he gets a sponsor, it will help a lot, because he'll find out he can't "hurry up and get it". I had a lot of people tell me to slow down...I wasn't going to be able to read the cliff notes of recovery and then go on my merry way. I had to watch other people, who have been doing this for years, to realize that it really is a lifelong process.

I think I made 140 meetings in 90 days. Then I slowed down and just went to my favorite meetings, more often some weeks, less other weeks. I don't go to meetings today...I have very supportive friends and family and I get a lot from SR. BUT, I know exactly where and what time meetings are close by my house and will go if I need to. I still use a LOT of what I learned from AA in my recovery and I will not hesitate to go back if I get to a dangerous place in my head. I totally understand people who go to AA for the rest of their lives.....everyone's different and "it takes what it takes".

I'm really glad you're posting about this, and I don't want it to sound like it's all about him. You've already made a huge amount of progress. I hope you can find a way to get to a few meetings, too. Just remember, this recovery thing is new to both of you...as long as you're communicating (yeah!), he's working on his recovery, and you're taking care of you and the kids, it will work out....it just takes time.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 12-09-2007, 10:03 AM
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Thank you Lightseeker. I may make some phone calls this week to see if there if there are any kid friendly meetings. It's such a lame excuse when I say out loud that I can't because I have a child. Then I get a little whiney cause AH has a child too and that doesn't stop him. It's a non-issue for him and it should be for me too.

Anyway, went to church this morning. Spoke to the pastor about some spiritual counseling/faith based marriage counseling and how to get more involved with the church. We both think that will help and give us some positive things to do together and to reach out to others.

I feel good, I feel positive and I feel like anything is possible today. I also know that in my next breath, I may not feel that way. I'm running with it and enjoying it for now. I like the way hope feels.
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Old 12-09-2007, 10:06 AM
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Impurrfect -

Thank you so much. We will get through this. The past year has been hell and all I finally see in our future is hope again. I used to say it wasn't "if" we divorced but "when" we divorced. I'm not thinking like that anymore and within that is peace like I haven't felt in a long time!!

Thanks again for the example and encouragement!
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Old 12-09-2007, 10:45 AM
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Actually, you are right, AH does have a child too, and he can also take that baby to meetings with him. You can both go to your meetings and alternate with who takes the baby. We've got a couple in our NA area (actually we used to; the man is now using again) who do this - one or another of them will show up with the baby. sure, its distracting. But most people are fine with this becuase they understand its about bringing the baby or not going at all.

When I got clean the first tiime, at the age of 24 (many years ago) I was totally wrapped up in my recovery, my meetings, my friends.... I was totally self-centered just like when I was using! But my parents gave me a couple of years before they got on my case about contributing more to the family. I wouldn't ask for him to cut back for at least a year - if you do you will set up a thing where he feels its you or his recovery - and if he's really in recovery that's what he'll choose. Then you will both have resentment against each other. Still, I'd bring up the idea of sharing the "taking the kid" to meetings task - since your recovery is just as important as his recovery.
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