newsandi

OK guys, here is my next piece of drama to start off my weekend. Went down to my mothers house after work to see son for a minute and he came over to see me, we had a pleasant talk and he left. I decided to go over to the house to see how things were going. My mom told me that his friend Kelsey and her boyfriend have been there for a couple days. So, I go over there, son is not there, he is up the street at someones house, there is a knock on the door, its a cop. I go to the door and he asked if Ashley is there, I have no idea who Ashley is, but when I went to the door the boy said to my mother that he has a warrant and took off upstairs, I didnt hear him say this. Kelsey tells me, "I'm not here". The cop seen us sitting on the couch so I tell him there is no Ashley but there is a Kelsey and I made her come to the door, he asked her birthdate and as he was talking to her I went back to the kitchen where my mother was, I walked back to the middle room and there are 2 cops standing there, female cop handcuffing Kelsey and the male cop looking around. He tells me that if he has to come out here again he will arrest me because there are runaways here and that he knows there are drugs here. I told him that I dont live here, my son does that I own the house. He said since I own the house, he will charge me with a felony and I will be locked up. Ofcourse me, I am a smart ass and I told him that he can do whatever he thinks is necessary but that he cant arrest me for renting a property and what happens here has nothing to do with me. He told me that he knows my son doesn't pay rent and that there is no rental agreement and he has no job. I thought well if you know so much, you would know he has now 6 warrants for his arrest and you dont even know his name. Well, they took Kelsey and me and mom walked across the street to her house. We watched out the window and they hung out there for 15 minutes, seem like a lifetime and left. Mom went back over and told the boy to get out and never come back. He bolted out the back door. Son stayed up the street until he figured they were gone, came to my parents house, I tried to explain to him that his mother was going to go down for his mistakes but ofcourse he knows everything, I know nothing. I printed out a rental agreement and made receits out and I am covered so I dont get locked up. But I am still in a really tough situation. If I throw my son out of the house, he will move in with my parents and I cant do that to them. And no matter how much I am doing this tough love, I cant see him on the streets. I refuse to do that at this point, not sure about in the future. There is no way he can live with us. I just could not do that. So right now I am trying to figure what to do.

marle

Maybe talk to a lawyer and lay out the facts to him/her. See what you need to do to cover yourself in this mess. I understand you not wanting your son to live with your parents, but you do not want to be held liable for your son's actions. Suppose that someone OD's in that house. Since you know that your son is using drugs and that he lets anyone who wants to stay there, you may be opening yourself to being sued. Don't know, but the only way to end the drama is to quit playing the game. I know how hard that is for us codies. But protect yourself. Hugs, Marle

nytepassion

He doesn't have to be on the streets there are other options like Salvation army and shelters .. The street is a personal choice for those who refuse and don't want to help themselves. Your son hasn't got your back .. please stop covering his a$$ ... time for him to grow up and be responsible for his own actions and behavior or it sounds like you could end up doin' time for his crimes.

Passion

laurie6781

I am going to say some things that you probably do NOT WANT TO HEAR.

You are ENABLING your son, just as my parents did for me. They got me places to live, they gave me money, they bailed me out, over and over and over, and then....................................one day early in January '79 they said NO MORE.

"If you call on the phone we will hang up, if you come to the door it will be closed in your face, and your grandmother is standing with us." And, they stuck by that. I was 33 and 1/2 years old.

It took me 2 and 1/2 more years to find recovery and yes the last year and a half I lived on the streets.

When I had been in recovery for several years, mom and I sat down and talked and she told me, that they had nothing else left to do, that if they did not ban me from their lives both of them would have ended up in padded cells on the psych ward.

I used and abused my family until they finally said ENOUGH. Your son will continue to use and abuse you and his grandparents until you say ENOUGH.

Will it be hard? You damn right it will!!! The HARDEST thing you have ever done in your life. I can tell you though that in the long run someday your son will have GREAT RESPECT for you and his grand parents. My mom, dad, and I had a great relationship until their individual passings a few years ago.

Had they not stood up to me, I would have continued to use and abuse them, as a 'means to my ends' (my alcoholism and addiction), and would have been long gone and dead. I know this, because the TOD was put on my ER med chart on June 8, 1981 24 hours after I stopped drinking and drugging. You see I did die.

You are not helping your son, you are only giving him an Easier Softer Way to continue practicing his affliction. Maybe, just maybe, if he didn't have your house to live in, and wore out his welcome at others houses and ended up staying in the homeless shelter, it might, just might bring his 'awakening' a little sooner.

Please, get some help for you, private counseling and/or Alanon or Naranon.

Also please keep posting, we do care. I care. This is torture for you, I understand that, but please rethink what your are doing.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Miss Pink

you are experiencing the consequences of enabling. accept them, or change.

Keep doing what you doing and you will get what you got.

ya never know..tossing him out might help him hit bottom....and if he goes to his grandparents house, well that might be where he needs to be,,,or not, but the bottom line is, its not your business if they allow him to live there.

Hands off the addict, where they go what they do...thats the only way to truly help them.

TrishaV

Please be very careful. We had a guy in our neighborhood who owned two homes - one he lived in and one her rented out to his AS. Finally, the day came that I prayed for when the rental house was raided. Unknown to me, they went around the neighborhood talking to everyone about the rental home and the people who were in it. I told the officers that I was aware that they were addicts and made several calls to the police when I noticed an increase in traffic to the home. They then asked had I ever talk to the owner on suspisions of drugs and I replied yes ~~ on numerous occasions.

Because I had told the owner that I knew their was drugs or drug activity happening in his rental house, the state took the house from him. I am not sure where it stands at this point, but if you own property that is being used as part of the crime, you have a chance of losing it!

newsandi

I am going to call my attorney to cover myself in this and then I will have to work out a way to move his things to storage and see where he can go from there. I know the whole enabling thing but I have made some huge steps toward cutting him off. I dont take his phone calls, I dont give out money freely and I he is not getting his car back. I just wish my parents were right there having to pick up where I left off. I am working toward all of this, it is just not something that happens over nite and I am doing the best I can. I appreciate everyones input, that is why I come here. I just am having a hard time throwning my son out on the streets. It is just not that easy for me.

Impurrfect

(((Sandi)))

Sometimes you have to start with baby steps (like you are) to get where you want to be. A lot of moms here spent YEARS dealing with their A children and are just trying to spare you a little of the heartache they went through.

You can't protect your parents from him...that is something they've got to deal with. Just keep taking care of Sandi, okay?

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

caileesnana

It is hard, I know as I fought my sister and family also. I was mean, didn't care, etc. Well, you finally reach a point to where if you don't stop enableing, you are helping them kill theirself. I wasn't going to live with that too, so I stopped. It is still hard today, but if there is to be any hope, detaching w/ love works!
sorry for your pain,
susan

hope213

just sending prayers for you & your son.

bookmiser

((((((((NewSandi))))))))

Sending support, prayers, and love out to you tonight.

sleepygoat

How about putting the ball in his court? You could say, "(AS,) It is not safe for me to have addicts living in a house I own. I will help you get into treatment for your disease of addiction right now, or else you have to leave tonight and find your own housing."

that way, it is his decision, his consequences, his disease. Help him take responsibility for himself. Giving my girl the option before we threw her out did help me with my guilt-trips on myself later on.

Ann

The choice is yours, but if you break the law the consequences will be yours also, and you wouldn't be the first member here to lose a home (and children) and spend a year or more in jail.... for just "knowing" about the drugs.

Please don't take that as harsh. I had to turn my own son out but really it was his decision and choice of lifestyle that took him to the street, not my intolerance of a situation that could take me to jail.

It's sad and it's the hardest thing I ever did. Spending time in jail would be harder though.

See a lawyer and do what you need to do to protect yourself.

Hugs

splendra

I think it would be fair to try to get the message to your parents that he will take them down and anyone in his path for that matter and that if they choose to house him that they will be in for a ride thru a couple of neighborhoods of hell...