first time
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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first time
This is the first time I have ever posted anything like this but hopefully there is someone out there that can help. I'll apologize for the length but I'm I feel I need to get some things off my chest.
I'm a 29 year old father of three boys(ages 7 and twin 4 yo's). My AW just completed her second rehab stint in the last seven months about three weeks a go. She was also in a "life works" facility for "attempting suicide"(she took 5 5mg Zanax). She had been stealing perscription pain killers from family, friends, and neighbors for years without me knowing but before her first rehab, I had found the empty bottles. She was a closet alcoholic as well, stashing Vodka in drawers and under the seat of her car. I have stuck by her through her manipulating, lying, cheating, and dangerous behaviors and now I'm at my wits end. After the last rehab, when I picked her up, she said she didn't know if we would work anymore and she was confused. Her councelor told me that it is not uncommon for rehab patients to feel like they can't face what they had done to others and that it is easier to run away than deal with the problems. She still came home and I discovered she was talking on the phone with some guy she met while in rehab. I read the rules and it is specifically said that behavior was intolerable. When I told her it was not O.K. by me if she was going to continue this relationship with some guy she met in rehab she told me I can't pick her friends and became irate-pushing and grabbing my neck with her fingernails. She ended up getting arrested and put in jail for two days. When she got out, she went a stayed with this guy(just a friend she says) instead of going to her parents or my house. After being there for about a week I got a phone call at 3:00 a.m. from the sherrif's office saying they found a car abandoned on the road with the door open and some of my wife's hospital paperwork was in it and my phone number was on the cell phone in the car. It turns out this guy was on coke and xanax and thought the police were shooting at him and so he was hiding(police took him to the hospital when they found him in the ditch).
That next day she packed her stuff and went to her parent's and told him to have a nice life. Later in the day she was hospitalized with a kidney infection and called for me to come see her. She apologized re-iterating that he was just a friend that gave her a place to stay when she felt that neither myself or her parents wanted her. After a heart to heart we decided we were going to give our relationship a chance while she was sober. That week-end we went out on a date and the following night she came over and watched a movie after the kids went to bed. The next day, she told my oldest that mommy and daddy were working things out and she would move back home before christmas.
Everything was going good until I found out she had started talking to the guy from rehab again! We had agreed that her alcohol treatment would be done in our town instead of an hour a way where her rehab was. We have AA here every night of the week and it seemed inapropriate for her to drive all the way down there every night. It seems as though she is using AA as a social tool and not a rehab tool. She's not working and it seemed to be an unnecessary expense.
Anyway, I don't know what to do. If she continues to talk and see the guy from rehab I think I need to do something legal to make sure my kids aren't around this kind of behavior. I came from divorced parents and know the trauma that causes so I really don't want to do that. I've been to some al-anon meetings with her mom but they just don't appeal to me. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
I'm a 29 year old father of three boys(ages 7 and twin 4 yo's). My AW just completed her second rehab stint in the last seven months about three weeks a go. She was also in a "life works" facility for "attempting suicide"(she took 5 5mg Zanax). She had been stealing perscription pain killers from family, friends, and neighbors for years without me knowing but before her first rehab, I had found the empty bottles. She was a closet alcoholic as well, stashing Vodka in drawers and under the seat of her car. I have stuck by her through her manipulating, lying, cheating, and dangerous behaviors and now I'm at my wits end. After the last rehab, when I picked her up, she said she didn't know if we would work anymore and she was confused. Her councelor told me that it is not uncommon for rehab patients to feel like they can't face what they had done to others and that it is easier to run away than deal with the problems. She still came home and I discovered she was talking on the phone with some guy she met while in rehab. I read the rules and it is specifically said that behavior was intolerable. When I told her it was not O.K. by me if she was going to continue this relationship with some guy she met in rehab she told me I can't pick her friends and became irate-pushing and grabbing my neck with her fingernails. She ended up getting arrested and put in jail for two days. When she got out, she went a stayed with this guy(just a friend she says) instead of going to her parents or my house. After being there for about a week I got a phone call at 3:00 a.m. from the sherrif's office saying they found a car abandoned on the road with the door open and some of my wife's hospital paperwork was in it and my phone number was on the cell phone in the car. It turns out this guy was on coke and xanax and thought the police were shooting at him and so he was hiding(police took him to the hospital when they found him in the ditch).
That next day she packed her stuff and went to her parent's and told him to have a nice life. Later in the day she was hospitalized with a kidney infection and called for me to come see her. She apologized re-iterating that he was just a friend that gave her a place to stay when she felt that neither myself or her parents wanted her. After a heart to heart we decided we were going to give our relationship a chance while she was sober. That week-end we went out on a date and the following night she came over and watched a movie after the kids went to bed. The next day, she told my oldest that mommy and daddy were working things out and she would move back home before christmas.
Everything was going good until I found out she had started talking to the guy from rehab again! We had agreed that her alcohol treatment would be done in our town instead of an hour a way where her rehab was. We have AA here every night of the week and it seemed inapropriate for her to drive all the way down there every night. It seems as though she is using AA as a social tool and not a rehab tool. She's not working and it seemed to be an unnecessary expense.
Anyway, I don't know what to do. If she continues to talk and see the guy from rehab I think I need to do something legal to make sure my kids aren't around this kind of behavior. I came from divorced parents and know the trauma that causes so I really don't want to do that. I've been to some al-anon meetings with her mom but they just don't appeal to me. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by myb 
I came from divorced parents and know the trauma that causes so I really don't want to do that.
Do you honestly think that divorce is worse than this life? Worse than what your children are now learning is "normal", now at the time of their lives when they gain their strongest impressions about how to grow up and live their own lives?
I've been those kids. You wouldn't want to have seen how I built my life as a result of learning what I did from them at 4 and 7. Divorce would've saved me 40 years of misery.
That said, and I'm sorry for putting it that way, I strongly recommend you go to some Al-Anon meetings without your wife. She does not belong there -- Al-Anon is for families and loved ones, not the alcoholics themselves. These are people who have been there and might be able to offer some fresh insight and support.
You are at the end of your rope for a reason. You have supported your wife through many, many chances, and now see that the likelihood that you will ever have a stable, happy marriage is very slim. Plus, your children, whether you want to admit it or not, are going through hell. She is obviously unfaithful and dishonoring you. She isn't truly working her program and that's a recipe for relapse. This is no longer working for you.
How much longer are you going to put yourself and your kids through this before you stop rescuing her from herself, let her go and let her find her bottom? What will she have to do before you say "enough"?
These are questions none of us can answer. We can only speak on this forum of personal experiences, and I've already shared mine above...none of my family members got better until the others stopped enabling them and started taking care of themselves and their kids. It sounds like you are trying to be a good dad, to do the right thing, but perhaps are too closely tangled in the alcoholic's web to see what's really happening to them. "Mommy and daddy are working it out?" Kids don't understand that. They only know they're being jerked around and nothing can ever be trusted.
I'm sending you strength to take care of yourself & them, hugs (just because), and hope for your future.
GL
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Welcome to SR!
You asked and I'll tell you that Alanon, like this forum, is an excellent place to learn how to live with an alcoholic person in your life. I hope you will try some more meetings- different groups at different locations or maybe just try the same one for a few weeks in a row.
In the beginning of my son's active addiction, I was sure that the problem had everything to do with the addict- but in fact I was making some very bad choices for myself and the other person too.
I was too accepting of bad behavior and I failed to take proper precautions to protect myself and the rest of my family. Like everybody else, I was doing the best with what I knew. Now I know better, that I need a program just as much if not more than the other person.
Codependent No More by Melodie Beatie is a great book to start learning about codependency and what you can do to help yourself and your family. There are some other good references and information in the sticky forums.
I've been to some al-anon meetings with her mom but they just don't appeal to me. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
In the beginning of my son's active addiction, I was sure that the problem had everything to do with the addict- but in fact I was making some very bad choices for myself and the other person too.
I was too accepting of bad behavior and I failed to take proper precautions to protect myself and the rest of my family. Like everybody else, I was doing the best with what I knew. Now I know better, that I need a program just as much if not more than the other person.
Codependent No More by Melodie Beatie is a great book to start learning about codependency and what you can do to help yourself and your family. There are some other good references and information in the sticky forums.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
My suggestion is Al-Anon, too. Commit to 6 meetings. If you don't like it after that, believe me you will have gotten some great suggestions and insights in those 6 meetings; it will not be a waste of time.
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