madonna504

ive only posted here just a couple of times. i read as much as i have time for. nothing seems to be helping me get past all this hurt i have. we even went to counceling today. i feel much worse than before i walked into that place. she is an amazing lady - it wasnt her. i guess the realities ive been trying to avoid really came out today. he is an addict. for many years he was an active addict and even though he was in recovery he slowly relapsed. and now even though he is working a program he could relapse again. and as for isolating him from those he did drugs with - impossible, they are his brothers and his friends and even people we see on a daily basis in our community. a community i am raising my children in, including his daughter. and anyone who knows him in this town knows him as an addict. my heart is broken, ive been trying since the day he walked back through my door to work on this, to forgive, and to be happy. i cant. i dont know how. it eats at me every single day. to the point i have missed work. i know he is trying to hard to make it, meetings, a sponsor, and meeting with the councelot on his own once a week. i doesnt change anything i feel. i have told him time and time again we need to just go our seperate ways. as much as i love him and as much as i want nothing but our family to be together in this house we picked out because we thought is was so perfect. its not perfect anymore, its not even okay. so if im gonna be miserable iregardless if we stay together or not i think he should just move on with his life. he doesnt want to leave, it was his idea to go to counciling together and i give him credit for trying but it doesnt change how i feel. so ill push on everyday for my children the only purpose i feel these days.........

holdingouthope

Madonna, I can relate to your words and the pain in them. What about YOU? What do you you need and want from life? Why do you stay even though you feel you should go your separate ways? Are you staying out of fear for what may happen to your husband? Are you staying out of obligation?

Right now the reality of my situation is that I am staying out of obligation. It's sad, but true. I don't know how to get out and I still want to hold on to some shred of hope that my husband will untangle himself from this. Maybe I am wasting my time. This is a pretty depressing reply but I can absolutely relate to you. You are not alone in this.

hundow08

As I sat here reading your blog, i felt your pain. It sounds so much like my selfy. My husband is an addict too. ever since i've known him he has had this dark shadow follow him around. I wish i had words of wisdom to help you heal. All i can say is let it go. you can't do anything for him. If you chose to stay with him then that is your choice. Don't drag yourself down. Be your best, realize what a great person you are. Cherish yourself and your children. Focus on them instead. I just recently let go and let god handle it, it took me 7 years. and for the first time, my husband made a step forward with out my nagging or pushing, he went to his first meeting. I am proud of him. i know how hard it was for him to aknowledge his problem. I try to think of him as a person i love, not someone i love to hate. Good luck.

rahsue

The addict in my life is my son so theres no option on moving on, he'll always be my son.
You sound like you are giving up on yourself. Try to take care of you for a change, if you can get comfortable in yourself the answers of leaving or not may come to you in a better light. I don't have advice on an addict being a spouse but I have been as depressed as you sound and the only way I get myself out of it is to take a look at ME and have nice thoughts about ME pretty soon I get happy enough to like everyone else. It all starts with ourselves change ourselves or maybe not so much change ourselves but change the way we think. I have been reading the book The Secret, and it talks about the law of attraction, if we are happy ourselves than happiness can find us. I thought at first it sounded corny but I'm warming up to the idea more and more.

good luck and God bless