my name is hopeangel, and i am STILL codependent:(

Old 12-06-2007, 07:02 AM
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my name is hopeangel, and i am STILL codependent:(

and STILL need A LOT of work i choked at the last minute.

i found an apartment - it was fine- cats welcome-and it was very affordable.
the experence was pretty tramatizing though. it was the old apartment complex where AH and i used to live, where we met, and to top it off the first place the landlord took me was his old apartment! talk about flashbacks. it was awful-my heart started beating faster and faster as she got closer to the apartment - all the old smells-the set up- all the memories - all right back there in my face - just my luck right?

i actually left right then and drove around, got the courage up to call her on the phone, go back, and ask to see another apartment. this was one that had a nice window and was something i could probably be able to live with.

it was all too much for me- going back there. i went home and cried and cried and cried with AH. we discussed what happened, the memories, the whole experience. i asked him to tell me as his friend of seven years if he had any true intentions of changing and i asked him to let me go if not. he said that he would do the very best he could. he said he would go back to AA, try really hard to get a sponser, and work on the anger and abuse issues. he said he would do this, but he needed me to do it-without me he would do nothing ( i know i know i explained that he had to do it for himself if he is serious and sounds like manipulation.) he could not promise anything though.

but, somehow, i felt like i owed it to him, myself, and our marriage, to give him this one last try - AGAIN, my name is hopeangel and i am STILL codependant!!!

so, my brain knows he will most likely drink again very soon, be angry and abusive again, very soon. my brainn knows all the logic. my heart is still calling the shots though...

i just didn't have the d@@@ courage to move! like i am paralyzed.

of course, family and friends are upset with me. i am upset with myself. i probably will lose the apartment (she is showing it again on saturday to someone else) and there were only those two apartments. i am probably losing a chance at a relationship with another very loving and good man who i have real feelings for i feel like all the work i have done since july in finding myself and my own happiness is gone.

i AM telling myself that the minute AH drinks again i will go and sign the d@@@ lease, if the apartment is still there. no crying, no complaining, no looking back, nothing, i will just do it. (i don't know if i believe myself though).
i have determined that i will do it all on my own. i am not going to subject family and friends to anymore of my problems with AH. i am not going to talk to them about it. why should i put them through that? i will just do it.

you know, when FDT and others were saying that i really didn't want to move and was making excuses. i thought they were crazy. the whole cat thing was not an excuse, but obviously, i wasn't really ready, so there is truth to it.

i just feel like my insides have been ripped out....

Last edited by hopeangel; 12-06-2007 at 07:27 AM.
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Old 12-06-2007, 07:31 AM
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OHHHHH Hopeangel.....you are gonna be fine and I guess you were not ready. That is OK! You will take action when you are ready. Don't beat yourself up. You gotta be nice to you. I remember when it was getting to be time for me to go, I would talk to my girlfriends (some of whom totally could not relate at ALL!) looking for one of them to tell me what to do...LOL! I am so glad that they didn't tell me. I am glad that I took action on my time because if I move out of XAH's when someone other than me suggested it, I would always second guess my decision. This way, I know I left on my time, with a clear conscience, after I had enough pain and basically hit my Al Anon Bottom. If and when you hit yours, it will be your time to take action. Be good to yourself. Hugs.
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Old 12-06-2007, 07:32 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeangel View Post
so, my brain knows he will most likely drink again very soon, be angry and abusive again, very soon. my brainn knows all the logic. my heart is still calling the shots though...
OK, so you've made your decision for now. To be honest, I went back and forth when in a similar situation, so I know what that feels like.

May I just ask that you consider devising a safety plan, in advance, so that if you need to make a quick exit, even if it's just for the night, that you are prepared?

A call to a domestic violence helpline can assist you with what would best suit your needs. That way you can make the best of listening to both your heart AND your brain! (I hope that came out right)
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Old 12-06-2007, 07:39 AM
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(((Hopeangel))) I can so relate to your post. Please don't beat yourself up over it. I went thru that severals times too (and I'm still w/him even though I have my order against him). He consulted a divorce attorney the Tuesday night, I told him great, my HP was looking out for me and made the decision for me. When the time is right, the time will be right. I'll be thinking of you.
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Old 12-06-2007, 07:39 AM
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I kept a bag packed in my car. He came home WASTED, and I left the house. I am not sure if it was a bad drunk or not because I told him that I was going to spend the night with a friend that he knew. My point is that history indicated that it was usually a bad night when he was drunk and I emotionally I did not want to go down that road to see if it was going to be a bad one, I just left for the night. After I had to execute my plan a time or two, I got really fed up with having to leave my house because I wasn't sure if he was going to nicely pass out or if I was going to have to unload a 45. and hide ammo again....You will know what to do, pray about it.
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Old 12-06-2007, 07:45 AM
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If you aren't ready, you aren't ready. There is no time table in effect here. You do what you think is right for you now. Nothing says that "now" won't change for you in the next 15 minutes. Or never. You just have to do what is right for you "now."

Originally Posted by hopeangel View Post
i am probably losing a chance at a relationship with another very loving and good man who i have real feelings for
I have to ask. If you are serious about your marriage, what are you doing getting involved (?) with someone else? That doesn't seem to make sense to me.
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Old 12-06-2007, 07:57 AM
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Just make sure you really want to try one more time for YOURSELF and not just because you feel guilty and like you owe it to HIM. Why do you feel like all the work you've done is gone? Is it because you're trying again with X? that should be a red flag right there. If he is taking hope AWAY from you....I know you will do the right thing when you're ready. Just don't lose site of your intuition.
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Old 12-06-2007, 07:59 AM
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hey barb, i posted about the someone else a while back, but...

the someone else is someone that i have had feelings ever since i met him. instant attraction (we're talking butterflys and not being able to breath or talk around him), chemistry, everyone knows it (even AH could tell). we've know each other for seven years, but the timing has never been right. he has feelings for me too.

so we really started getting close in july. it just kinda happened. one day i just blurted out how i felt and he did too. we have been talking and seeing eachhere and there ever since (it has NOT been a sexual relationship). it is kinda hard to explain. we both want to be together, but both realize that until i'm not married nothing can happen. he also has had a girlfriend that he is not sure about. i don't think either one of us were expecting to have the feelings that we have or anything real to come of them. he has been very patient.

yes, i am VERY confused about what i want. i don't know what i really want. i also realize that leaving a marriage is a huge risk because you really don't know what is on the other side. i have feelings for both of them. i think it is mainly loyalty that keeps me tied to AH and the fact that i made a commitment to him.
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Old 12-06-2007, 08:03 AM
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Thanks for explaining. I had forgotten you talked about that earlier. I can see why you are feeling confused. I think it may be time for serious reflection and rational thought (not emotional reaction) about what you want for your future. If you can try and separate this thinking from you AH and this other fellow and restrict it solely to you and your needs/wants, it may be helpful. Not easy to do I know but it is possible to analyze our selves and our situations rationally if we really try.
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Old 12-06-2007, 08:22 AM
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For me, it was not so hard to let go of the person my husband had become. It was agonizing to let go of the dream. In my mind I had it all planned out how my (our) life was going to be. And he had the nerve to not follow my plan, lol. I spent way too many years of my life thinking "if only." My wants, needs, vision of the future was all tangled up and dependent on him. It was really, really, really, hard to let that go. That is what I cried the most over. My vision of the future has changed dramatically. It's no longer about me as part of an "us." It's about me. There is room for others, and even a romantic partner, but it's not going down in flames if I don't have someone else in my life. It's been a huge shift in my thinking and didn't happen overnight. I once read on here that everything we codependents let go of has claw marks on it. So true.

Please make yourself a priority and stay safe. ((()))

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Old 12-06-2007, 09:30 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeangel View Post
and STILL need A LOT of work i choked at the last minute.

he said he would do this, but he needed me to do it-without me he would do nothing ( i know i know i explained that he had to do it for himself if he is serious and sounds like manipulation.) he could not promise anything though.

but, somehow, i felt like i owed it to him, myself, and our marriage, to give him this one last try - AGAIN, my name is hopeangel and i am STILL codependant!!!

..
This seems like blatant manipulation to me!!! You will go for change when you are ready...don't beat yourself up more. It is hard to allow change. Our sense of personal identity is a very fragile construct. We cling to the images and illusions we use to define our selfs because we don't have a connection to our inner core of who we really are. To change your life you will have to change yourself and the "image" you have of yourself. At the very least take the attention off of your AH and put it onto yourself. You have no hope of changing him. I guess I was fortunate that my STBAH (7 more days til the final D) told me in no uncertain terms that he was NOT going to stop drinking. I didn't have to deal with false promises anymore and that simplified things. At some point something will click with you and you'll make a decision that is right for you. Take care. Maryanne
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Old 12-06-2007, 09:48 AM
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Originally Posted by ICU View Post
OK, so you've made your decision for now. To be honest, I went back and forth when in a similar situation, so I know what that feels like.

May I just ask that you consider devising a safety plan, in advance, so that if you need to make a quick exit, even if it's just for the night, that you are prepared?

A call to a domestic violence helpline can assist you with what would best suit your needs. That way you can make the best of listening to both your heart AND your brain! (I hope that came out right)
Ditto too codie over here did the same thing over and over...it is what we do until we have had enough! (Our bottom shall we say)

What ICU states here I cannot agree or stress this more about devising a "safety plan" it may sound as if AH is going to follow through with what he says but in my eyes and many others I'm sure it is just that "words" until they are followed with action please be aware and try not to ignore your gutt when feelings arise!

Many thoughts to you hope!
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Old 12-06-2007, 10:15 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeangel View Post
i asked him to tell me as his friend of seven years if he had any true intentions of changing and i asked him to let me go if not.
He won't do this because it is not in the best interests of his disease, remember it comes first.


Originally Posted by hopeangel View Post
he said that he would do the very best he could. he said he would go back to AA, try really hard to get a sponser, and work on the anger and abuse issues. he said he would do this, but he needed me to do it-without me he would do nothing he could not promise anything though.
This is a huge red flag, he needs you to blame when it goes bad.

Originally Posted by hopeangel View Post
but, somehow, i felt like i owed it to him, myself, and our marriage, to give him this one last try
Again, the disease wants you to act in it's best interest not yours.
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Old 12-06-2007, 10:36 AM
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it's understandable you want to give him one last chance. it's ok, you can do that without worrying about what others think. he probably wants to change and work it out too. but the alcohol takes over, and unfortunately it usually wins, but i hope for you this time is different.
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Old 12-06-2007, 11:08 AM
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If you are not ready to go and you want to give him another chance, that is your choice. I'd suggest that you seriously consider getting guidance and help for yourself as far as letting your feelings rule your life and major decisions in your life. As you can see from letting emotions rule, you end up tied in knots, stressed out, and feeling like you can't take it any longer. You bounce off the walls with little, if any, constructive results.

I had to teach myself to quit reacting to situations. It's challenging and it takes time, but it can be done. Perhaps you should prepare yourself now for his next bender or drunken outburst. Start taking steps to learn what you need to do in order not to push the button on the emotional blender that keeps getting you all stirred up.

I stayed out of the house A LOT. When I was home, I stayed away from AH A LOT. I didn't engage in conversations to discuss what we wanted or needed, what he was feeling, or what I was feeling. Going there can be a frustrating place. I'd suggest you start learning that your issues have to do with the fact that you are overly involved in your AH's addiction. You don't own it, it's not your place to make him see the light or discuss it with him, and you should start finding interests you can engage in with family and/or friends apart from your AH.

It might not sound pithy or particularly insightful, but it works.
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Old 12-06-2007, 11:31 AM
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Hopeangel, I said a prayer for you. NOBODY can make decisions for you, you must make the best you can at the time. Don't beat yourself up just because you believe in second chances. Or four hundredth chances! But please, keep yourself safe too!

LaTeeDah, oh how I needed to hear about letting go of the dream today! The XABF is putting on a big show about his marriage plans on Valentine's Day, and I couldn't figure out why it bothers me so! You may have hit it on the head -- what he is doing is in direct conflict with my dream! My dream was for him to be healthy, sober, loving, respectful, and THEN I would agree to marry him and we'd live happily ever after. Everything he has done since we last saw each other has been the opposite, which on one hand confirmed my decision to step back from him. But it still rankled. Now I think it's because he violated MY dreams. I imposed my will on him, and that is not right.
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Old 12-06-2007, 11:46 AM
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He's leaving himself an awful lot of wiggle room. When my exAH promised he'd "try" I told him I felt like Yoda - "Do or do not. There is no try."

Last edited by WantsOut; 12-06-2007 at 12:05 PM.
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Old 12-06-2007, 01:07 PM
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Originally Posted by prodigal View Post
I had to teach myself to quit reacting to situations.
I didn't engage in conversations to discuss what we wanted or needed, what he was feeling, or what I was feeling. Going there can be a frustrating place.
I agree 100%. I think having those conversations with him, gaining a little ounce of hope, then being shot down again is too painful. He may sound like he'll change this time, but don't be too dissapointed if he goes back to his old ways. how is this time different than any other? it's healthier to focus less on him, and more on what your plan will be if he returns to his old ways. And if you do leave, no contact would be so important, so be cautious on what information you share with him. For your own safety, he shouldn't know your new address. :ghug
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Old 12-06-2007, 01:15 PM
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He's leaving himself a lot of wiggle room in this latest plan, and you're leaving him a lot of wiggle room too, Hope. This will result in one outcome: His disease will win yet again.

When you begin to leave yourself some wiggle room (in the form of a solid plan of action and a true willingness to make difficult choices and positive changes in your life), then the scale will tip in your favor. At this point, your husband has his butt firm planted on the ground of the alcoholic see-saw, and your feet are dangling in mid air.

I found that when I made a deal with my alcoholic partner, it was like making a deal with the devil. The outcome was never in my favor and it wasn't pretty.
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Old 12-06-2007, 05:24 PM
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You will know when the time is right and the fight and the desire is out of you hopeangel...and it may not be for a long time maybe never. Always have hope but don't be blindsided by it either. Time tells is all I can say. Stay strong sweetie.
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