I can not do this alone
Progress Not Perfection
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
I can not do this alone
Step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God.
I was meditating on these two steps this morning, and thats when *it* hit me:
I can not do this (recovery) on my own.
My mother and father were both violent alcoholics. They saved most of their violence for eachother.
It is a miracle and a gift that I survived.
Everyday I have anxiety to varying degrees. I know I am mildly obsessive/compulsive. I struggle with depression on and off. I have attention-deficit disorder and post-traumatic-stress disorder.
I may even have a problem with diassociation. I know I have trouble remembering everything that happened to me and my family of origin. This is overwhelming, to say the least, when I consider all my *issues*.
I receieve help at various meetings and would like to get therapy some day. I use an herbal mix to treat the daily anxiety and sporadic depression. It really helps. One day, I may seek therapy and use a prescription. I have nothing against that. We should do those things. It is good for us.
But guess what friends? I can not do this myself or by my own power.
The only success I have today is by the grace of my Highter Power. My HP enables me to function as a person out in public and in private as a mother and wife.
My HP is the only reason why I am healthy in the areas that I am healthy. I think relying on my HP is the only true way for me to achieve health.
Guys, I am in the dark most days, following behind my HP. My HP shines a light right in front of me and holds my hand. Without reaching out to him each morning and at various times during the day, I would fall in a ditch and stay there until I was retrieved.
Each one of my issues should probably be addressed seperately, but guess what? I don't have enough life left to do that, even if I had my whole life to do over again.
My point is, I NEED my HP to shed the load. Like Pilgrim in Pilgrim's Progress. There is no way that I could deal with my responsibilites each day without leaning *heavily* on my HP.
I would love to hear about your HP...
dshake
This helped me this morning:
"God is in every tomorrow,
Therefore I live for today,
Certain of finding at sunrise,
Guidance and strength for the way;
Power for each moment of weakness,
Hope for each moment of pain,
Comfort for every sorrow,
Sunshine and joy after rain."
----Unknown
((((Hugs))))
Growing
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God.
I was meditating on these two steps this morning, and thats when *it* hit me:
I can not do this (recovery) on my own.
My mother and father were both violent alcoholics. They saved most of their violence for eachother.
It is a miracle and a gift that I survived.
Everyday I have anxiety to varying degrees. I know I am mildly obsessive/compulsive. I struggle with depression on and off. I have attention-deficit disorder and post-traumatic-stress disorder.
I may even have a problem with diassociation. I know I have trouble remembering everything that happened to me and my family of origin. This is overwhelming, to say the least, when I consider all my *issues*.
I receieve help at various meetings and would like to get therapy some day. I use an herbal mix to treat the daily anxiety and sporadic depression. It really helps. One day, I may seek therapy and use a prescription. I have nothing against that. We should do those things. It is good for us.
But guess what friends? I can not do this myself or by my own power.
The only success I have today is by the grace of my Highter Power. My HP enables me to function as a person out in public and in private as a mother and wife.
My HP is the only reason why I am healthy in the areas that I am healthy. I think relying on my HP is the only true way for me to achieve health.
Guys, I am in the dark most days, following behind my HP. My HP shines a light right in front of me and holds my hand. Without reaching out to him each morning and at various times during the day, I would fall in a ditch and stay there until I was retrieved.
Each one of my issues should probably be addressed seperately, but guess what? I don't have enough life left to do that, even if I had my whole life to do over again.
My point is, I NEED my HP to shed the load. Like Pilgrim in Pilgrim's Progress. There is no way that I could deal with my responsibilites each day without leaning *heavily* on my HP.
I would love to hear about your HP...
dshake This helped me this morning:
"God is in every tomorrow,
Therefore I live for today,
Certain of finding at sunrise,
Guidance and strength for the way;
Power for each moment of weakness,
Hope for each moment of pain,
Comfort for every sorrow,
Sunshine and joy after rain."
----Unknown
((((Hugs))))
Growing
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I don't have a "higher power" in the sense that most people think of it.
I believe that the universe is an intricately woven web, and that each of us contributes to that web in our own ways, with each of our energies acting on the other's. So in a sense, the universe as a whole is my higher power. And I trust that whatever my place is in it will be where I need to be when I need to be there.
So even in tough times I can say that I am where I am supposed to be, when I am supposed to be there, even if I don't understand it at the time.
And I have faith in myself that at some point, maybe years later, I will realize what being in that place at that time has done for me.
As I said, not the typical "higher power" concept, but it works for me.
I believe that the universe is an intricately woven web, and that each of us contributes to that web in our own ways, with each of our energies acting on the other's. So in a sense, the universe as a whole is my higher power. And I trust that whatever my place is in it will be where I need to be when I need to be there.
So even in tough times I can say that I am where I am supposed to be, when I am supposed to be there, even if I don't understand it at the time.
And I have faith in myself that at some point, maybe years later, I will realize what being in that place at that time has done for me.
As I said, not the typical "higher power" concept, but it works for me.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I have a personal HP. He's stronger and better than I am. So, I lean on Him.
We really can't do this alone. I believe HP is our strength and so are friends.
Keep up the good work. You're really GROWING!!
We really can't do this alone. I believe HP is our strength and so are friends.
Keep up the good work. You're really GROWING!!
Progress Not Perfection
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
Originally Posted by GingerM 
So even in tough times I can say that I am where I am supposed to be, when I am supposed to be there, even if I don't understand it at the time.
And I have faith in myself that at some point, maybe years later, I will realize what being in that place at that time has done for me.
And I have faith in myself that at some point, maybe years later, I will realize what being in that place at that time has done for me.
I find an acceptance in the 12 steps that I haven't found anywhere else!:ghug
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
I tried for years to fix my own emotional baggage. Most of it was forced upon me by my alcoholic parents, but some of it was of my own creation. The harder I tried to fix it, the worse I made it. Kind of like trying to take out my own appendix.
So I needed something, or someone, who had more "power" at fixing baggage than me. Such a power would have to be more powerful than me, hence a power greater than myself. I found that a few good shrinks, a sponsor, the 12 step programs, and sharing with others who have survived and overcome similar challenges is a plenty good "higher power".
On the spiritual side I look at my entire life and notice how many times I managed to _not_ get killed by my parents, by some weirdo on the streets where I lived as a runaway, by my own stupidity, and all the times that life simply worked out in my favor for no other reason than dumb luck.
Each one of those times I pretty much won the "lottery of life". For no reason, certainly nothing that _I_ controlled. Then I got to thinking how many times could the _same_ person be that lucky, again and again and again. If it were a _real_ lottery I would have no doubt that it was rigged. But life is not "riggable", not by me anyway.
So I have no other explanation other than the universe is out there stirring the pot in my favor. The universe, God, Higher Power, the great spirit, whatever it is has some kind of interest in me, or at least has some purpose for me that requires I have a decent life and survive long enough to meet that purpose.
Don't know that that purpose is, but I'm grateful that I got picked
Mike
So I needed something, or someone, who had more "power" at fixing baggage than me. Such a power would have to be more powerful than me, hence a power greater than myself. I found that a few good shrinks, a sponsor, the 12 step programs, and sharing with others who have survived and overcome similar challenges is a plenty good "higher power".
On the spiritual side I look at my entire life and notice how many times I managed to _not_ get killed by my parents, by some weirdo on the streets where I lived as a runaway, by my own stupidity, and all the times that life simply worked out in my favor for no other reason than dumb luck.
Each one of those times I pretty much won the "lottery of life". For no reason, certainly nothing that _I_ controlled. Then I got to thinking how many times could the _same_ person be that lucky, again and again and again. If it were a _real_ lottery I would have no doubt that it was rigged. But life is not "riggable", not by me anyway.
So I have no other explanation other than the universe is out there stirring the pot in my favor. The universe, God, Higher Power, the great spirit, whatever it is has some kind of interest in me, or at least has some purpose for me that requires I have a decent life and survive long enough to meet that purpose.
Don't know that that purpose is, but I'm grateful that I got picked
Mike
Progress Not Perfection
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
I tried for years to fix my own emotional baggage. Most of it was forced upon me by my alcoholic parents, but some of it was of my own creation. The harder I tried to fix it, the worse I made it. Kind of like trying to take out my own appendix.
On the spiritual side I look at my entire life and notice how many times I managed to _not_ get killed by my parents, by some weirdo on the streets where I lived as a runaway, by my own stupidity, and all the times that life simply worked out in my favor for no other reason than dumb luck.
Each one of those times I pretty much won the "lottery of life". For no reason, certainly nothing that _I_ controlled. Then I got to thinking how many times could the _same_ person be that lucky, again and again and again. If it were a _real_ lottery I would have no doubt that it was rigged. But life is not "riggable", not by me anyway.
So I have no other explanation other than the universe is out there stirring the pot in my favor. The universe, God, Higher Power, the great spirit, whatever it is has some kind of interest in me, or at least has some purpose for me that requires I have a decent life and survive long enough to meet that purpose.
On the spiritual side I look at my entire life and notice how many times I managed to _not_ get killed by my parents, by some weirdo on the streets where I lived as a runaway, by my own stupidity, and all the times that life simply worked out in my favor for no other reason than dumb luck.
Each one of those times I pretty much won the "lottery of life". For no reason, certainly nothing that _I_ controlled. Then I got to thinking how many times could the _same_ person be that lucky, again and again and again. If it were a _real_ lottery I would have no doubt that it was rigged. But life is not "riggable", not by me anyway.
So I have no other explanation other than the universe is out there stirring the pot in my favor. The universe, God, Higher Power, the great spirit, whatever it is has some kind of interest in me, or at least has some purpose for me that requires I have a decent life and survive long enough to meet that purpose.
I am tearing up right now...(sniff) So beautiful! This is me to a T.
"taking out your own appendix"---this is it exactly!
I too have been *saved* inexplicably too many times, too many times!
I honestly wouldn't have believed in a Higher Power if not for these unexplained events that statistics can't explain.
I got into the "program", made some gratitude lists, and realized how many MORE situations I magically *escaped*.
"The universe, God, Higher Power, the great spirit, whatever it is has some kind of interest in me, or at least has some purpose for me that requires I have a decent life and survive long enough to meet that purpose."---sigh, pure beauty.....
Love this board!
Growing
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
You guys have got it, that's for sure.
Although I might not yet know what my purpose here is, what might be "my place in the family of things" (hey, Uncertain, remember that? ) I know there must be something, simply because of what I have somehow survived.
I have only been walking on this planet for four decades and change, but I have already experienced all manner of abuse (verbal, physical, sexual, emotional), experienced rape, experienced the murder of close friends, car accidents, beatings, crime, horrible dishonor in infidelity, the death of the people I've loved most of all, and all of the other dreadful things that come from being exposed to alcoholism and addiction....in myself and in others.
And yet someone or something has chosen that I remain upright, open-hearted, curious, hopeful, scarred but no longer bleeding. Not perfect, but always learning and always healing. Why? I wonder.
I did not get here alone. There is something greater than me, and that something has placed around me a village of others, each with something to teach or some piece of the puzzle. Even the village idiot and the village drunk have something to teach me, if I'm listening.
None of us needs to do this alone.
Growing.....you're still growing!!
Although I might not yet know what my purpose here is, what might be "my place in the family of things" (hey, Uncertain, remember that?
) I know there must be something, simply because of what I have somehow survived.I have only been walking on this planet for four decades and change, but I have already experienced all manner of abuse (verbal, physical, sexual, emotional), experienced rape, experienced the murder of close friends, car accidents, beatings, crime, horrible dishonor in infidelity, the death of the people I've loved most of all, and all of the other dreadful things that come from being exposed to alcoholism and addiction....in myself and in others.
And yet someone or something has chosen that I remain upright, open-hearted, curious, hopeful, scarred but no longer bleeding. Not perfect, but always learning and always healing. Why? I wonder.
I did not get here alone. There is something greater than me, and that something has placed around me a village of others, each with something to teach or some piece of the puzzle. Even the village idiot and the village drunk have something to teach me, if I'm listening.
None of us needs to do this alone.
Growing.....you're still growing!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 89
Like all of you, I too find myself knowing that there's more to this existence than mere living. I am in awe of what most of you have survived; I have not gone down many of those roads myself. The ones I have, I know I came through because of forces other than me.
There are so many ways I am reminded of the challenges of being alive. It is insights like my father's when my sister died of a suicide attempt at 16 - he said that God Himself cried out in anguish the day she took those pills. As much as I embrace my independent will, I humble it to the knowledge that that makes me vulnerable and fallible. It is the nagging still small voice that doesn't abandon me no matter how much I think I'm independent and walking "10 feet tall and bullet-proof" that keeps me knowing there is something greater than me walking with me and giving me direction and support. I see that spirit in all of you and in so many of the opportunities and good friends I have. It is, quite simply, the reason I can never really be a good Buddhist - no matter how much I find solace in meditation: it's that continual need to believe.
Last night on ER, there was a character who said "sometimes trying as hard as you can means asking for help." How true!
Cheers -
Uncertain Me
There are so many ways I am reminded of the challenges of being alive. It is insights like my father's when my sister died of a suicide attempt at 16 - he said that God Himself cried out in anguish the day she took those pills. As much as I embrace my independent will, I humble it to the knowledge that that makes me vulnerable and fallible. It is the nagging still small voice that doesn't abandon me no matter how much I think I'm independent and walking "10 feet tall and bullet-proof" that keeps me knowing there is something greater than me walking with me and giving me direction and support. I see that spirit in all of you and in so many of the opportunities and good friends I have. It is, quite simply, the reason I can never really be a good Buddhist - no matter how much I find solace in meditation: it's that continual need to believe.
Last night on ER, there was a character who said "sometimes trying as hard as you can means asking for help." How true!
Cheers -
Uncertain Me
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
I've had some really odd things happen over the years, that around here we call "God shots".
I was at a meeting of AA, and some guy was getting his chip for I dunno how many years clean and sober. At this meeting the birthday people get 5 minutes to share. So this guy is sharing about all the folks who have touched his life in recovery, and he pointed at _me_. He said that _two_ years ago I said something in a meeting that changed his life, and that helped him get his marriage back on track.
I don't remember this guy, or ever saying anything to him, or about him, or even if I shared two years ago at this meeting, if I was even going to this meeting two years ago. But the guy remembered.
At another meet I was asked to chair, and the chair gets five minutes to share about a topic for the meet. So I did. Just my usual 5 minute recap of "What it was, what happened, and what it is". Nothing more. Couple weeks later a young lady comes up to me and tells me I had turned her life around with what I had said, that she had been thinking of killing herself and after she heard me she went to a shrink and is going to stick to recovery. That was over a year ago and today she's one of the "pillars" of recovery around here. Oh yeah, and she's got a brand new baby
I don't remember her being in that meet that I chaired. Don't remember what I said that could have been so profound. No clue.
So I've come to the conclusion that my HP is not saving me for _me_. Somewhere out there in the world there is somebody _really_ important. Somebody that's going to change the world in a major way. Maybe this young lady's child, maybe that guy's grandson. Maybe somebody that's going to get born 5 generations in the future. I have no clue who. So I better be one heckuva good example of this program cuz I don't know _when_ the HP is going to drag my silly tush up in front of a meet to say something that's going to echo down the generations.
I see an HP that made kittens, and put snakes in the grass. An HP that plays chess with millions of pawns, and cares enough to keep us from blowing ourselves up in atomic wars. My brain is not ever going to be capable of even _imagining_ the plan that's behind all this. What I do undrestand is that as long as we all work our own recovery and stick together, we're going to get thru this crazy life just fine.
Mike
I was at a meeting of AA, and some guy was getting his chip for I dunno how many years clean and sober. At this meeting the birthday people get 5 minutes to share. So this guy is sharing about all the folks who have touched his life in recovery, and he pointed at _me_. He said that _two_ years ago I said something in a meeting that changed his life, and that helped him get his marriage back on track.
I don't remember this guy, or ever saying anything to him, or about him, or even if I shared two years ago at this meeting, if I was even going to this meeting two years ago. But the guy remembered.
At another meet I was asked to chair, and the chair gets five minutes to share about a topic for the meet. So I did. Just my usual 5 minute recap of "What it was, what happened, and what it is". Nothing more. Couple weeks later a young lady comes up to me and tells me I had turned her life around with what I had said, that she had been thinking of killing herself and after she heard me she went to a shrink and is going to stick to recovery. That was over a year ago and today she's one of the "pillars" of recovery around here. Oh yeah, and she's got a brand new baby
I don't remember her being in that meet that I chaired. Don't remember what I said that could have been so profound. No clue.
So I've come to the conclusion that my HP is not saving me for _me_. Somewhere out there in the world there is somebody _really_ important. Somebody that's going to change the world in a major way. Maybe this young lady's child, maybe that guy's grandson. Maybe somebody that's going to get born 5 generations in the future. I have no clue who. So I better be one heckuva good example of this program cuz I don't know _when_ the HP is going to drag my silly tush up in front of a meet to say something that's going to echo down the generations.
I see an HP that made kittens, and put snakes in the grass. An HP that plays chess with millions of pawns, and cares enough to keep us from blowing ourselves up in atomic wars. My brain is not ever going to be capable of even _imagining_ the plan that's behind all this. What I do undrestand is that as long as we all work our own recovery and stick together, we're going to get thru this crazy life just fine.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 89
There are so many ways I am reminded of the challenges of being alive. It is insights like my father's when my sister died of a suicide attempt at 16 - he said that God Himself cried out in anguish the day she took those pills.
I find comforting the idea of a HigherPower that grieves with us, to know that maybe our own self-will is respected even if it is painful. I know I don't always acknowledge how much my strength comes from other sources, but when things do go wrong and that HP is grieving too yet still supporting and not leaving, I remember what is important. The love of that HP is the ultimate unconditional love; even when we do something independently and foolish, we are cared for in all of our brokenness.
I think that's what my father meant with his statement, and though I know some people condemned my sister for her actions, I knew that God would only recognize how much she was in pain and gently lift her soul through the tears.
One more thing to consider today as the snow begins to come down...
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I have no other explanation other than the universe is out there stirring the pot in my favor. The universe, God, Higher Power, the great spirit, whatever it is has some kind of interest in me, or at least has some purpose for me that requires I have a decent life and survive long enough to meet that purpose.
At that point I had a complete breakdown, initially thinking I was so useless and hopeless and such a failure that I couldn't even kill myself right.
After the insanity part diminished, I saw it differently. By that time I had attempted suicide literally more times that I could remember, by varying means and with increasing "surety" of success. (Did you know that cyanide can go bad??? I didn't) Then I realized that a 'normal' person would have been dead long long ago, and that for some reason, something kept interfering with my attempts. I decided that it was not my time and apparently I still had something to do on this planet, although I had no idea of what it was.
I also decided that if I was going to be stuck here until my time was naturally concluded, that I better get my ship together, and get ready to sail instead of wallowing in inaction and blame.
That was the leading edge of my steps into recovery. I wouldn't call it my 'bottom' because it was actually somewhat inspiring and uplifting. But it certainly showed me that I needed to get going with things if I didn't want to spend the rest of my life miserable, and apparently there was going to be a "rest of my life" whether I wanted one or not.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 89
But it certainly showed me that I needed to get going with things if I didn't want to spend the rest of my life miserable, and apparently there was going to be a "rest of my life" whether I wanted one or not.
I think that you are right that there are reasons things we try fail or don't - and that sometimes failure is winning and not failing is losing.
I'm glad that you are here now. I'm certain that it must be difficult at times, but please know that even if we only know each other through the internet, your words on this forum and through these threads have been a blessing to me.
Peace & courage -
Uncertain Me
Progress Not Perfection
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
"I'm glad that you are here now. I'm certain that it must be difficult at times, but please know that even if we only know each other through the internet, your words on this forum and through these threads have been a blessing to me. "
Ginger.....I fully agree with UM.
<3
Growing
Ginger.....I fully agree with UM.
<3
Growing
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Thank you both. I have not had a suicidal thought since the attempt I described which, I think, was in '94. It's been long enough now that I honestly can't remember what year it was.
I don't know why the fates decided that it was not my time yet, but apparently they had something else in mind for me. I don't know what that is, but I'm glad they stepped in when they did.
I wouldn't call my life 'perfect' by any stretch, but I would consider myself very much blessed in so many ways that they are too numerous to count. Even on my worst days (unfortunately, today is one of those), I am still better off by leagues than where I was when the gun jammed.
Life is good for me for the most part. It throws the occasional curve ball at me, but I'm getting better at catching them (or ducking fast!).
I'm glad that things I've learned or experienced can help others move through their recovery. I'm also glad that others help to remind me of the things I need to keep in the fore of my mind so I don't let my recovery skills get rusty.
So in turn for your kind words to me, thank YOU for helping me stay healthy.
I don't know why the fates decided that it was not my time yet, but apparently they had something else in mind for me. I don't know what that is, but I'm glad they stepped in when they did.
I wouldn't call my life 'perfect' by any stretch, but I would consider myself very much blessed in so many ways that they are too numerous to count. Even on my worst days (unfortunately, today is one of those), I am still better off by leagues than where I was when the gun jammed.
Life is good for me for the most part. It throws the occasional curve ball at me, but I'm getting better at catching them (or ducking fast!).
I'm glad that things I've learned or experienced can help others move through their recovery. I'm also glad that others help to remind me of the things I need to keep in the fore of my mind so I don't let my recovery skills get rusty.
So in turn for your kind words to me, thank YOU for helping me stay healthy.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by GingerM
... Even on my worst days (unfortunately, today is one of those), I am still better off by leagues than where I was when the gun jammed. ....
You know I read every post here, and that I would catch that little sly aside about today, and that I would not let it pass. So spill the beans and let me hear a bit of what ails you today. That's what would you would do for me, or anybody else on this forum
Mike ((((( hugs ))))))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 89
Ginger -
I too caught that aside, and yesterday was a hard day for me too; too many hard truths pushing in for my attention.
Let's hope today's a better one, or at least today we find the peace in the chaos. I think sometimes that instead of making a better day, the HP gives us a quieter mind to meet that day's challenges, and then it is up to us to hold onto that peace and walk that day.
Just more armchair philosophy, but know that I'm sending you warm "Little Engine" thoughts (I think I can...)
<<<<Hugs>>>> :ghug
UM
and that I would catch that little sly aside about today
Let's hope today's a better one, or at least today we find the peace in the chaos. I think sometimes that instead of making a better day, the HP gives us a quieter mind to meet that day's challenges, and then it is up to us to hold onto that peace and walk that day.
Just more armchair philosophy, but know that I'm sending you warm "Little Engine" thoughts (I think I can...)
<<<<Hugs>>>> :ghug
UM
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
So spill the beans and let me hear a bit of what ails you today.
Started with attempting to get reservations made for my sister's wedding, which turned into quite the family *drama* and my dad being really obnoxious with the proprietor of the B&B, so I spent much time calling all the family members, getting things sorted out, then becoming the frontman to talk to the B&B folks to get things straightened out.
The puppy has hit teenagedom with a vengence, and during all the attempts at straightening out the B&B mess, what should the puppy start prancing around the house with but a tassle from a Victorian needlepoint pillow I made - 8 months doing the needlepoint, another month to put the pillow together. He's also decided that walking on a loose leash is not really necessary, so when we took him off to obedience class, he's gerked himself to the end of the leash and I swear his front feet never touched the ground. I think he's lost his mind. He was a handful yesterday.
Then there was the 10 hours of chores I needed to get done on top of it all, all of which seemed to have something go wrong which took that much longer to fix before I could complete the task.
Throw on top of that a sore back (from the demon puppy lunging on his leash and throwing my back out, requiring an emergency chiropractor visit), some lovely hormone swings and accompanying severe cramps, and some sleep deprivation, and it all added up to a very not pleasant day.
Lately the puppy has decided that the way to get my attention is to pull on my clothing or chew on a piece of furniture I'm sitting on or using (he's mouthed at my keyboard tray 4 times in the past 2 minutes because he's a teenager and believes that he should get to dictate when I feed him).
It wasn't so much one big thing as a whole bunch of little things. Death by paper cuts, if you will.
There was a time in my life when that would have pushed me over the edge. While I would say that by 2 pm I was frustrated and terse, I was by no means close to wanting to kill anyone (though the puppy came close with the pillow incident - he's already put a hole in the back of it, which I need to fix as best as possible, but so far he's left the actual needlepoint part alone).
I was feeling like I failed at everything I touched, like I was useless and hopeless as a human being. I told my husband this and he replied "You know that's not you talking, that's your parents".
I have a great husband!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 89
I was feeling like I failed at everything I touched, like I was useless and hopeless as a human being. I told my husband this and he replied "You know that's not you talking, that's your parents". I have a great husband!
Progress Not Perfection
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
[QUOTE=GiveLove;1593259] I know there must be something, simply because of what I have somehow survived.
And yet someone or something has chosen that I remain upright, open-hearted, curious, hopeful, scarred but no longer bleeding. Not perfect, but always learning and always healing. Why? I wonder.
I did not get here alone. There is something greater than me, and that something has placed around me a village of others, each with something to teach or some piece of the puzzle. Even the village idiot and the village drunk have something to teach me, if I'm listening.QUOTE]
Thank you GL. To me, this is the program in a nutshell. That is the challenge of recovery: How to "remain upright, open-hearted, curious, hopeful" in the face of our past and uncertain future? I agree with you GL, and those who have posted on this thread, that we do it together and by the power of our HP.
And yet someone or something has chosen that I remain upright, open-hearted, curious, hopeful, scarred but no longer bleeding. Not perfect, but always learning and always healing. Why? I wonder.
I did not get here alone. There is something greater than me, and that something has placed around me a village of others, each with something to teach or some piece of the puzzle. Even the village idiot and the village drunk have something to teach me, if I'm listening.QUOTE]
Thank you GL. To me, this is the program in a nutshell. That is the challenge of recovery: How to "remain upright, open-hearted, curious, hopeful" in the face of our past and uncertain future? I agree with you GL, and those who have posted on this thread, that we do it together and by the power of our HP.
Progress Not Perfection
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
So I've come to the conclusion that my HP is not saving me for _me_. So I better be one heckuva good example of this program cuz I don't know _when_ the HP is going to drag my silly tush up in front of a meet to say something that's going to echo down the generations.
What I do undrestand is that as long as we all work our own recovery and stick together, we're going to get thru this crazy life just fine.Mike
What I do undrestand is that as long as we all work our own recovery and stick together, we're going to get thru this crazy life just fine.Mike
HP uses our health to inspire others to begin/mantain recovery and so much more...I also like the challenge to not let my program get "rusty".
You never know WHO might be at the next meeting or posting on SR...thats interesting to think about!
Thanks Mike!
Growing
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