A turned up on the doorstep last night...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: NZ
Posts: 32
A turned up on the doorstep last night...
My A turned up on my doorstep last night.
We talked and it went round and round in circles... it stopped briefly whilst I hyperventilated... and then it kept going round!!
He said he wasn't using and that he'd gotten rid of everything. He confused me by saying that the drugs weren't the problem anymore, but the disease of addiction and why he's always used drugs was, and that that was what he wanted to sort.
He kept asking why I hadn't talked to him and that that wasn't the way friend's behaved... I tried to explain to him, that my trust is shattered, and that I didn't trust he wasn't using and so based on that I decided I didn't want to be around him until he got into rehab... but he doesn't seem to understand that because, as he says, there aren't any drugs!
We did have a good talk about where my mis-trust comes from, and I was quite surpsrised that he doesn't realise that it stems from way back when we first split up, like about a yr and a half ago. And on that note we decided that we should go and see a counsellor together to try and work through that.
Then I told him my good news about the job interview, becasue he was asking what was going on in my world... and he got all upset and angry at me for not sharing it with him before because it's so important to me... and he left!!
Leaving me thoroughly confused and upset and feeling like he'd just slapped in the face after we'd make a smidgin' of progress in talking about the trust issue!
Then of course I got the nasty texts about how a friend wouldn't have let him just leave to go and sleep on a park bench, and that whatever had happened he would never let a friend sleep rough. So now I feel very guilty for that too!
All I can say and think is... I"M CONFUSED!!!! AND I DIN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!
We talked and it went round and round in circles... it stopped briefly whilst I hyperventilated... and then it kept going round!!
He said he wasn't using and that he'd gotten rid of everything. He confused me by saying that the drugs weren't the problem anymore, but the disease of addiction and why he's always used drugs was, and that that was what he wanted to sort.
He kept asking why I hadn't talked to him and that that wasn't the way friend's behaved... I tried to explain to him, that my trust is shattered, and that I didn't trust he wasn't using and so based on that I decided I didn't want to be around him until he got into rehab... but he doesn't seem to understand that because, as he says, there aren't any drugs!
We did have a good talk about where my mis-trust comes from, and I was quite surpsrised that he doesn't realise that it stems from way back when we first split up, like about a yr and a half ago. And on that note we decided that we should go and see a counsellor together to try and work through that.
Then I told him my good news about the job interview, becasue he was asking what was going on in my world... and he got all upset and angry at me for not sharing it with him before because it's so important to me... and he left!!
Leaving me thoroughly confused and upset and feeling like he'd just slapped in the face after we'd make a smidgin' of progress in talking about the trust issue!
Then of course I got the nasty texts about how a friend wouldn't have let him just leave to go and sleep on a park bench, and that whatever had happened he would never let a friend sleep rough. So now I feel very guilty for that too!
All I can say and think is... I"M CONFUSED!!!! AND I DIN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: NZ
Posts: 32
Cont...
(I wrote the above this morning, but I think due to the probs yesterday, wouldn't allow me to post)
He apologised later this morning, for hurtful things said.
He started finding out about counciling for us today.
Feels much more positive, and like he's making much more of an effort.
Being cautious... not sure what to think right now.
Any advise?!
:morning
He apologised later this morning, for hurtful things said.
He started finding out about counciling for us today.
Feels much more positive, and like he's making much more of an effort.
Being cautious... not sure what to think right now.
Any advise?!
:morning
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
oh my. I just got an email after 2 days of no contact...and i'm tripping out on that. I don't know what I'd do if I was in your shoes ...
How long has it been since you have been with him?
My guy swears up and down that there is no drugs... yet... he has erectile issues, problems urinating, and doesn't sleep. THEN when he is off them, he is so sick ... sweaty, chills, shivers, nauseous, and his pupils are gigantic! And he says no drugs!
What is your A's choice? Or that you think it is?
What is the next plan? Do you want it to work out? Did he used to live with you? Do you have kids? Do you have the same friends?
How long has it been since you have been with him?
My guy swears up and down that there is no drugs... yet... he has erectile issues, problems urinating, and doesn't sleep. THEN when he is off them, he is so sick ... sweaty, chills, shivers, nauseous, and his pupils are gigantic! And he says no drugs!
What is your A's choice? Or that you think it is?
What is the next plan? Do you want it to work out? Did he used to live with you? Do you have kids? Do you have the same friends?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: NZ
Posts: 32
We were together for about a year and half, then he ended things when he strated getting into the drugs heavily and (his words) that he realised he was starting to fall and didn't want to take me down with him.
We were apart for almost a year, then we started slowly seeing each other again last April when he started trying to get off it (drug of choice P / methamphetamine, he was smoking it) and decided he wanted to get into rehab.
We haven't lived together... I had just agreed to move in with him before he ended things. He knows he has commitment issues, in many parts of his life. No kids. (Just my cat ;0))
He swears he's not on it but I have mega trust issues!
I have just emailed the counselling place he suggested, it looks positive, and I'm grateful to him for making and effort to try and sort this out.
I want to be with him, I'm confident that if we can sort things out and both get our problems sorted that things will eventually be great. He can make me laugh like no-one else, and is so supportive in many ways. I love just going for road trip adventures with him, finding our deserted little paradises, and watching him tame my garden!
I have hope.
We were apart for almost a year, then we started slowly seeing each other again last April when he started trying to get off it (drug of choice P / methamphetamine, he was smoking it) and decided he wanted to get into rehab.
We haven't lived together... I had just agreed to move in with him before he ended things. He knows he has commitment issues, in many parts of his life. No kids. (Just my cat ;0))
He swears he's not on it but I have mega trust issues!
I have just emailed the counselling place he suggested, it looks positive, and I'm grateful to him for making and effort to try and sort this out.
I want to be with him, I'm confident that if we can sort things out and both get our problems sorted that things will eventually be great. He can make me laugh like no-one else, and is so supportive in many ways. I love just going for road trip adventures with him, finding our deserted little paradises, and watching him tame my garden!
I have hope.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Same with me and my guy... we have been together for a year and a half. I have seen him on drugs, off drugs and coming down from drugs.
His drug of choice is snorting ritalin and aderall, and snorting oxys. And a few times since I've known him he has done coke, but used to do it a lot over the last few years. He knew my issue with drugs and my experience in past relationships with closet drug users... so he tried to keep it all on the down low. Wanted to have his cake and eat it too.
The road trips were our thing as well! We loved just getting in the car and going for a drive.... purposely taking the more scenic routes. Music and concerts are also our thing.
I'm really glad that your A is getting help... and that you are there for him.
Do you feel that you are getting back into his reality again and you are scared? Trust issues are the worst, lord knows I can say that out of experience as well.
Stay strong... keep coming here... I know it helps me... and i'm just a 3 day member! I wish I could offer more wisdom, but I'm so green myself with my current situation. I have been with druggies before ... so it's a pattern. i really thought he was different though
sucks
His drug of choice is snorting ritalin and aderall, and snorting oxys. And a few times since I've known him he has done coke, but used to do it a lot over the last few years. He knew my issue with drugs and my experience in past relationships with closet drug users... so he tried to keep it all on the down low. Wanted to have his cake and eat it too.
The road trips were our thing as well! We loved just getting in the car and going for a drive.... purposely taking the more scenic routes. Music and concerts are also our thing.
I'm really glad that your A is getting help... and that you are there for him.
Do you feel that you are getting back into his reality again and you are scared? Trust issues are the worst, lord knows I can say that out of experience as well.
Stay strong... keep coming here... I know it helps me... and i'm just a 3 day member! I wish I could offer more wisdom, but I'm so green myself with my current situation. I have been with druggies before ... so it's a pattern. i really thought he was different though
sucks
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
Apparently your A has no respect for the boundary you set and did the usual
addict guilt you tactic. Confusing? Absolutely. Consider the source and I suggest you read the stickie What addicts do. Addicts take hostages. They can have your head spinning in no time at all in order to control you.
I found a haven of hope, understanding, support and a way to live my own best life in Alanon meetings. I suggest you go to meetings.
Hugs
addict guilt you tactic. Confusing? Absolutely. Consider the source and I suggest you read the stickie What addicts do. Addicts take hostages. They can have your head spinning in no time at all in order to control you.
I found a haven of hope, understanding, support and a way to live my own best life in Alanon meetings. I suggest you go to meetings.
Hugs
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Let me throw a wrench in here ...
I'm gonna call a spade a spade here = this is the addict manipulating, finger pointing and blame placing = BS
And I suppose "true" friends do to one and other the kind of crap he has done to you ...
Where does his personal accountability come into play ... where does he own up to his behavior ... sounds like he is trying to twist things around and not carry his own baggage ...
He is upset that you didn't tell him about the interview right off the bat .. No, he is upset that instead of sitting around pinning away, pouting, dwelling, obsessing over him ... You were actually were being productive and doing positive things for yourself ... Cause don'tchu know us addicts think the world revolves around us ... We think our bf/gf husband/wife cannot live or breath without us .. the sun rises and sits on our arse, but you having a though in your brain that was independent of him literally insulted him and rocked his world and pissed him off ...
I mean after all here he was (just showed up on your doorstep) and is trying to convince you that you had things all wrong and you should take him back (even appeared to be logical and reasonable too to the point of confusing you) and then you took out the big guns and blew his arse away ... He was shocked to find that you weren't as dependent on him as he is on you... He is crushed = pissed
He obviously has been spending a lot of time thinking of ways to get you to take him back ... and he was probably banking on you doing so ... and after all the trouble he went through YOU had to humiliate him by telling him you had a job interview = I've been going on with my life ... in his mind you should have told him that first and saved him from looking like a total complete idiot ...
See how twisted that is .. instead of being happy for you he was upset.
He doesn't want anything to be more important to you than he is. Thats why your interview wasn't a good thing .. You were happy about something that had nothing to do with him at a time when you should be pinning away and spending all your energy trying to get him back ...
God forbid you be happy... The addict doesn't like you happy ... because it is a threat to them
And now the guilt trip comes into play .. how if you loved him you wouldn't let him sleep on a park bench ...
I mean he has been living rough and here you are all comfy cozy in your world and have a job interview to boot ...
He is out there falling apart and you are pulling your life together ...
This isn't about drugs .. this is about you and what kind of friend you are NOT being to HIM.
Sweety let him confuse you .. be happy .. enjoy ... keep yourself together and land that job ... You are not the reason he is out there on that park bench .. and don't let him bs you either .. keep taking care of yourself ...
It is ultimately his choice to be out there sleeping on that rough park bench .. because there are plenty of shelters that would take him in .. Salvation Army for one and he could even get into a rehab program too.. He doesn't have to live the way he is living and you are not responsible for him ... He is trying to dump this in your lap ... Don't let him and above all DON'T RESCUE HIM ... because if you do .. I can guarantee you .. it won't be him you rescue .. it will be the addiction .... He needs to deal with the problem at hand .. Addiction. He himself admitted that was the problem .. not the drugs .. (addict rationalizing) As long as he doesn't deal with the problem ... the problem will rule and reign in his life ... Plain and simple he needs recovery.
Try not to let his behavior or way of thinking confuse you ... he is coming from a real confused, irrational, illogical place .. he isn't thinking correctly .. but rather his thinking twisted and warped ... Where the addict is concerned .. learn to expect the unexpected because thats usually what you'll get.
****{Hugs to you}}}
Prayers for you both
Passion
PS: My ex was a meth addict ... ever read his story?
I'm gonna call a spade a spade here = this is the addict manipulating, finger pointing and blame placing = BS
And I suppose "true" friends do to one and other the kind of crap he has done to you ...
Where does his personal accountability come into play ... where does he own up to his behavior ... sounds like he is trying to twist things around and not carry his own baggage ...
He is upset that you didn't tell him about the interview right off the bat .. No, he is upset that instead of sitting around pinning away, pouting, dwelling, obsessing over him ... You were actually were being productive and doing positive things for yourself ... Cause don'tchu know us addicts think the world revolves around us ... We think our bf/gf husband/wife cannot live or breath without us .. the sun rises and sits on our arse, but you having a though in your brain that was independent of him literally insulted him and rocked his world and pissed him off ...
I mean after all here he was (just showed up on your doorstep) and is trying to convince you that you had things all wrong and you should take him back (even appeared to be logical and reasonable too to the point of confusing you) and then you took out the big guns and blew his arse away ... He was shocked to find that you weren't as dependent on him as he is on you... He is crushed = pissed
He obviously has been spending a lot of time thinking of ways to get you to take him back ... and he was probably banking on you doing so ... and after all the trouble he went through YOU had to humiliate him by telling him you had a job interview = I've been going on with my life ... in his mind you should have told him that first and saved him from looking like a total complete idiot ...
See how twisted that is .. instead of being happy for you he was upset.
He doesn't want anything to be more important to you than he is. Thats why your interview wasn't a good thing .. You were happy about something that had nothing to do with him at a time when you should be pinning away and spending all your energy trying to get him back ...
God forbid you be happy... The addict doesn't like you happy ... because it is a threat to them
And now the guilt trip comes into play .. how if you loved him you wouldn't let him sleep on a park bench ...
I mean he has been living rough and here you are all comfy cozy in your world and have a job interview to boot ...
He is out there falling apart and you are pulling your life together ...
This isn't about drugs .. this is about you and what kind of friend you are NOT being to HIM.
Sweety let him confuse you .. be happy .. enjoy ... keep yourself together and land that job ... You are not the reason he is out there on that park bench .. and don't let him bs you either .. keep taking care of yourself ...
It is ultimately his choice to be out there sleeping on that rough park bench .. because there are plenty of shelters that would take him in .. Salvation Army for one and he could even get into a rehab program too.. He doesn't have to live the way he is living and you are not responsible for him ... He is trying to dump this in your lap ... Don't let him and above all DON'T RESCUE HIM ... because if you do .. I can guarantee you .. it won't be him you rescue .. it will be the addiction .... He needs to deal with the problem at hand .. Addiction. He himself admitted that was the problem .. not the drugs .. (addict rationalizing) As long as he doesn't deal with the problem ... the problem will rule and reign in his life ... Plain and simple he needs recovery.
Try not to let his behavior or way of thinking confuse you ... he is coming from a real confused, irrational, illogical place .. he isn't thinking correctly .. but rather his thinking twisted and warped ... Where the addict is concerned .. learn to expect the unexpected because thats usually what you'll get.
****{Hugs to you}}}
Prayers for you both
Passion
PS: My ex was a meth addict ... ever read his story?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: NZ
Posts: 32
That is what I was trying to do... until he turned up on my doorstep at day 4 of having 'no contact'.
Do you think it would be appropriate to go ahead with the counselling, for my own sake probably anyway, and some counselling with him so hopefully some of my point of view can be put across without him having as much opportunity to confuse me, and say limited contact, except for counselling?
I totally agree, it's all words and no action at the moment. And I guess that's why I got so upset and decided to try and impose this no contact when I found he had quit rehab.
Do you think it would be appropriate to go ahead with the counselling, for my own sake probably anyway, and some counselling with him so hopefully some of my point of view can be put across without him having as much opportunity to confuse me, and say limited contact, except for counselling?
I totally agree, it's all words and no action at the moment. And I guess that's why I got so upset and decided to try and impose this no contact when I found he had quit rehab.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: ca
Posts: 103
Tabitha - my AH swore up and down he was clean and sober for months...even attended counseling and outpatient rehab...he was using the whole time and only recently fessed up to it. Anvil hit the nail on the head when she said that ok, i'll go to counseling" is in their f-ed up handbook. Remember there is a reason you don't trust him!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
I wanted to send hugs out to you girls. After going back and forth between Meth and Crack recreationally for years my husband is a crack addict.
After being separated many times this year weve now been apart 7 weeks and he's outta state, claiming a geographical cure (In the place his use started) Previously hed be clean a few months and than start all over again, rehab counseling jail none of it changed anything. When he's a great husband he's the best when he's not he's not. He's finally started sending money, and then the I miss you, I want my family calls, Im wasting time started...
I know how tough it is and I want a future with my husband, but I also believe as soon as he would enter this town and have cash in his pocket it would be the same thing again
Counseling is a good idea, but I believe it should always be individual first
After being separated many times this year weve now been apart 7 weeks and he's outta state, claiming a geographical cure (In the place his use started) Previously hed be clean a few months and than start all over again, rehab counseling jail none of it changed anything. When he's a great husband he's the best when he's not he's not. He's finally started sending money, and then the I miss you, I want my family calls, Im wasting time started...
I know how tough it is and I want a future with my husband, but I also believe as soon as he would enter this town and have cash in his pocket it would be the same thing again
Counseling is a good idea, but I believe it should always be individual first
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 78
I can't tell you how much I hate that this is what I may very well look back on as the moment I knew I should let go and move on, and look at the mess I'm in now. I haven't gotten past the hope phase yet. I'm reading Melody Beattie, reading posts and not posting much myself. My heart is starting to catch up to my head... but it's dragging its feet and complaining the WHOLE way.
"until we let go of our current situation, there's no room for the universe to bring us something new." Thanks for that Happysoul.
I guess that's kinda the point in a nut shell.
Tabithacat & Abundance... I can't tell you how much I understand. My thoughts are with you. Good luck with whatever you decide!
"until we let go of our current situation, there's no room for the universe to bring us something new." Thanks for that Happysoul.
I guess that's kinda the point in a nut shell.
Tabithacat & Abundance... I can't tell you how much I understand. My thoughts are with you. Good luck with whatever you decide!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: NZ
Posts: 32
Anvilhead... Empower-Mint?! Are you serious?!
My A just texted saying "FYI, Higher Ground (live in rehab centre) 13th Dec"... not sure if he means a meeting with, or actual admittance date... please please please let it be an in date!!
I have problems praying to an HP. I had a very strict religious upbringing and it's made me shy from it. I know it's not meant to be a religious thing, but a spiritual thing, but I have problems splitting the two. So please, anyone with a stronger faith than mine, pray it's an in date for me/him!
My A just texted saying "FYI, Higher Ground (live in rehab centre) 13th Dec"... not sure if he means a meeting with, or actual admittance date... please please please let it be an in date!!
I have problems praying to an HP. I had a very strict religious upbringing and it's made me shy from it. I know it's not meant to be a religious thing, but a spiritual thing, but I have problems splitting the two. So please, anyone with a stronger faith than mine, pray it's an in date for me/him!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Tabithacat,
Not trying to hijack the thread, but can you explain your problems praying? I am working with another guy right now with similar problems. Also can you describe "strictly religious" versus "religious"?
Not trying to hijack the thread, but can you explain your problems praying? I am working with another guy right now with similar problems. Also can you describe "strictly religious" versus "religious"?
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