feeling hopeless, again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 51
feeling hopeless, again
Well, I havent been here in ages. The addict in my life is my brother, and my parents are his enablers. He is 35 and lives at home (with my parents). Drug of choice is crack.
Tomorrow my brother is going to be arrested (if he is home). I have know for a week that its coming, but I havent told my parents. I don't want them or him to have time to make up excuses.
My parents know of the problem, but they are too scared to kick him out, as he threatens suicide, cries he has no where to go, has no money. My parents, trying so hard to change him, keep him at home, feed him, cloth him, and give him money on a daily basis. I just cant stand it anymore. I can't even visit my parents without getting into an argument with him, as apperantly, I am the one causing all the problems in his life. Right, of course.
So now the time comes when hopefully, my parents will kick him out. But I am not holding my breath. I am, however, going to make it clear that if they don't change the situation, I cannot be in conact with them anymore. I know they cant MAKE him get help, but they can stop giving him money.
The thing is, I am afraid.
Will they choose him over me? About a year ago, my husband and I hired him at the family business we had just taken over from my parents. We fired him 3 days later, after he showed up high and tried to break in overnight, and my parents refused to speak to me for weeks. How can it be more important to "protect" him then to use some tough love and let him hit rock bottom?
But then, what if something does happen. If he kills himself, or is killed, will my parents blame me? Sure they will. And then I will loose them too.
I feel so hopeless right now. I hate this person for what he has done to our family. I know he is not my brother. He has ripped our family apart, and I cannot stand the thought of spending another Christmas at my parents house, hiding my belongings, watching him lie, having him steal our presents and pawn them off. I just can't do it.
I feel so hopeless. I wish I could say that I know some day he will admit the problem, get help, and rebuild his life. But deep down, I feel like this will never end.
Ever.
Tomorrow my brother is going to be arrested (if he is home). I have know for a week that its coming, but I havent told my parents. I don't want them or him to have time to make up excuses.
My parents know of the problem, but they are too scared to kick him out, as he threatens suicide, cries he has no where to go, has no money. My parents, trying so hard to change him, keep him at home, feed him, cloth him, and give him money on a daily basis. I just cant stand it anymore. I can't even visit my parents without getting into an argument with him, as apperantly, I am the one causing all the problems in his life. Right, of course.
So now the time comes when hopefully, my parents will kick him out. But I am not holding my breath. I am, however, going to make it clear that if they don't change the situation, I cannot be in conact with them anymore. I know they cant MAKE him get help, but they can stop giving him money.
The thing is, I am afraid.
Will they choose him over me? About a year ago, my husband and I hired him at the family business we had just taken over from my parents. We fired him 3 days later, after he showed up high and tried to break in overnight, and my parents refused to speak to me for weeks. How can it be more important to "protect" him then to use some tough love and let him hit rock bottom?
But then, what if something does happen. If he kills himself, or is killed, will my parents blame me? Sure they will. And then I will loose them too.
I feel so hopeless right now. I hate this person for what he has done to our family. I know he is not my brother. He has ripped our family apart, and I cannot stand the thought of spending another Christmas at my parents house, hiding my belongings, watching him lie, having him steal our presents and pawn them off. I just can't do it.
I feel so hopeless. I wish I could say that I know some day he will admit the problem, get help, and rebuild his life. But deep down, I feel like this will never end.
Ever.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
We all have to set our boundaries to keep the chaos away.
It is too bad that his addiction is destroying more than just him and is causing a break with your family. Maybe your boundary could be that they are welcome in your home but you won't visit them.
Have you tried taking them to an al-anon mtg. ? You can buy al-anon books
would they read them?
It is too bad that his addiction is destroying more than just him and is causing a break with your family. Maybe your boundary could be that they are welcome in your home but you won't visit them.
Have you tried taking them to an al-anon mtg. ? You can buy al-anon books
would they read them?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 51
My mom has gone to meetings in the past, but she wont go anymore. She also did some counselling with a drug and alcohol cousellor, but she stopped going saying they were "ignorant" as they told her to stop giving money and let him hit rock bottom. My mom doesnt feel the same way, so the cycle will continue. My dad just wants his son back, and seem to think that "helping" him will bring him back. again, the cycle continues....
I wish they would come with me -- the meeting have been helpful for me.
I wish they would come with me -- the meeting have been helpful for me.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
I work my program of recovery (Al-anon)
I work at detaching so that I am not drug down by the addiction situation.
Really I only have control over how I will react to others.
Nothing will change in your parents home until they decide it is time for change. You may have to meet your parents on neutral territory like a restaurant and limit time w/ them and keep the topic away from their relationship with brother if that situation is bringing you down
Be an example in your own life with your mate and children if you have them,
about what healthy relationships feel like, look like, etc
It is a family disease. One can get healthy w/o the whole group.
Let it begin with you
I work at detaching so that I am not drug down by the addiction situation.
Really I only have control over how I will react to others.
Nothing will change in your parents home until they decide it is time for change. You may have to meet your parents on neutral territory like a restaurant and limit time w/ them and keep the topic away from their relationship with brother if that situation is bringing you down
Be an example in your own life with your mate and children if you have them,
about what healthy relationships feel like, look like, etc
It is a family disease. One can get healthy w/o the whole group.
Let it begin with you
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
sweetie......he is addicted to drugs, they are addicted to saving him.
Anyone who gets in between their desperate attempts to save him will be shunned, spurned and maybe hated.
THats how this stinking disease works. Family disease. EVERYONE has it. They are as sick as he. Sadly, they could resuce him right into the grave.
Suggestion: Send them, anonymously inthe mail, some alanon or naranon pamplets....do you go to alnon or naranon? If not...get going....it gets better when you have support.
Anyone who gets in between their desperate attempts to save him will be shunned, spurned and maybe hated.
THats how this stinking disease works. Family disease. EVERYONE has it. They are as sick as he. Sadly, they could resuce him right into the grave.
Suggestion: Send them, anonymously inthe mail, some alanon or naranon pamplets....do you go to alnon or naranon? If not...get going....it gets better when you have support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by Miss Pink 
They are as sick as he. Sadly, they could resuce him right into the grave.
They have all the al-anon info. This has been going on 7 years. He has been to rehab once, and was clean maybe a week. They are trying to love him back to sobriety. I wish they could see they are killing him.
They keep saying to me, well, he looked good today....
Oh, thats great news.
Did he just sleep 12 hours on your couch and then have a nice homecooked meal? Put on clean clothes? Shower, shave? Good boy!
Any addict would look good after that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
Hi rub.
I am from BC too!! I am sorry about your brother. My addict is my BF. together 11 years, last 2 years relizing he has a coke, crack problem, trying to support him with rehab, now realizing he is not ready to stop. He has been in/out of our house for the last few months. It is hard to not help when you love them so much, but I hope your parents learn soon that they are only helping the addiction progress. thoughts and prayers to you.
I am from BC too!! I am sorry about your brother. My addict is my BF. together 11 years, last 2 years relizing he has a coke, crack problem, trying to support him with rehab, now realizing he is not ready to stop. He has been in/out of our house for the last few months. It is hard to not help when you love them so much, but I hope your parents learn soon that they are only helping the addiction progress. thoughts and prayers to you.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
rub,
Well, to start with, big hugs to you.
Way before I ever started going to Alanon, my brother was an addict, and my mother was his enabler, my father, not so much.
I didn't live at home at the time, so I really detached myself from the situation, until my brother started calling me, and I became enabler #2.
Shortly after that, I began going to Alanon, my mother never attended, and I tried my hardest to share with her what I was learning.
It was not until my father left home, and told her, it's either him, or me, that she decided to stop enabling.
Your parents, are caught up in your brothers disease. Rescuing/enabling, and the drama, is an addiction on it's own.
Your parents aren't consciously making a choice, they really, truly, think they are helping.
I remember when this was all happening in my life, and I couldn't for the life of me, figure out why my brother was getting all this attention for negative behavior, while I was living an honest life, working everyday, and raising a family. It sure was frustrating, until I understood they were as sick as the addict.
Hugs, to you, I hope he gets jail time.
Well, to start with, big hugs to you.
Way before I ever started going to Alanon, my brother was an addict, and my mother was his enabler, my father, not so much.
I didn't live at home at the time, so I really detached myself from the situation, until my brother started calling me, and I became enabler #2.
Shortly after that, I began going to Alanon, my mother never attended, and I tried my hardest to share with her what I was learning.
It was not until my father left home, and told her, it's either him, or me, that she decided to stop enabling.
Your parents, are caught up in your brothers disease. Rescuing/enabling, and the drama, is an addiction on it's own.
Your parents aren't consciously making a choice, they really, truly, think they are helping.
I remember when this was all happening in my life, and I couldn't for the life of me, figure out why my brother was getting all this attention for negative behavior, while I was living an honest life, working everyday, and raising a family. It sure was frustrating, until I understood they were as sick as the addict.
Hugs, to you, I hope he gets jail time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
being a parent of an a.s. i know how your parents feel. i was the same way before recovery.a parent always sticks up for the " lesser child". they think he needs them where you don't. i am sorry your mom quit going to meetings. she did not stay long enough to "get it". when i first started recovery i could not understand how a parent could get go of a child like that.it seemed cruel but i kept coming back & i finally learn how & why.there is nothing you can do to help your parents anymore than you can help your brother.hands of the addict & turn it all over to your H.P. live your life & be happy with your own family.this is not your fault or your responsabilty, as hard as it seems.prayers,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 51
Thank you everyone. Your words are going to make these next few days a bit easier, or at least more manageable.
Yesterday, the police did not come. Possibly today.
My brother was not home yesterday, but my Dad was. We spent the entire day together, grocery shopping, prepping dinner, playing cards, talking shop. It was so great, yet the whole time I was wondering if this would be the last time.
We tried to avoid talking about my brother, but of course the subject came up. It always does.
My dad hurts. His only son, and he can't stand to even look at him. Seeing my Dad hurt, that tears me apart. Over the past few years I have become very close with my dad, aside from the problems with my brother. After all the years of him working so hard, he finally has the time to spend with me, and here I am thinking of throwing it all away.
When I left his house I started crying, and I just can't stop. I so desperately wish they could see what is going on, so that we could still be a family. I love them, and I know my parents are hurting so bad.
I want to save them, but I know I cant.
Thank god I have a supportive husband, sister, inlaws etc.
Take care all
Yesterday, the police did not come. Possibly today.
My brother was not home yesterday, but my Dad was. We spent the entire day together, grocery shopping, prepping dinner, playing cards, talking shop. It was so great, yet the whole time I was wondering if this would be the last time.
We tried to avoid talking about my brother, but of course the subject came up. It always does.
My dad hurts. His only son, and he can't stand to even look at him. Seeing my Dad hurt, that tears me apart. Over the past few years I have become very close with my dad, aside from the problems with my brother. After all the years of him working so hard, he finally has the time to spend with me, and here I am thinking of throwing it all away.
When I left his house I started crying, and I just can't stop. I so desperately wish they could see what is going on, so that we could still be a family. I love them, and I know my parents are hurting so bad.
I want to save them, but I know I cant.
Thank god I have a supportive husband, sister, inlaws etc.
Take care all
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 51
Now that Xmas is just about here, I have some choices to make. So far, my brother has still not been arrested or charged. 
I have told my parents that I don't want to spend Chrstmas at their house with my AB.
Now, I guess I have to decide if I go back on my word. I keep spinning this around in my head, but I can't decide what to do.
Of course I want to see my family. My sister, parents, grandma, aunt, uncle, cousins, inlaws etc will all be there. I enjoy spending time with my family. We have fun together. But when my AB is there, I can't seem to enjoy myself. I am still so mad at him. Yes, I know I need to work on that, but that is where I am with it right now.
So, do I go? Do I make a stand and not go? There really are 2 reasons why I wouldnt go.
1) To avoid seeing my brother, getting into an argument, etc etc. I have done very well at cutting him out of my life at this point. As well, I would like for the gifts I bought for my husband, family to not be stolen. This is all logical, and I feel fine with making this decision.
2) To punish my parents. After lots of reflection, I think this may be more of the reason I don't want to go, and I know that is a horrible thing to be feeling. I want them to have to see that its THEIR actions that are helping to drive us all apart. THEY arethe ones letting him stay there. They are the ones giving him money. THEY are the ones coming up with excuses. But just like my AB, there is nothing I can do or say to change their behaviour.
So, now I am back to square one, with no idea what to do.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Rub
I have told my parents that I don't want to spend Chrstmas at their house with my AB. Now, I guess I have to decide if I go back on my word. I keep spinning this around in my head, but I can't decide what to do.
Of course I want to see my family. My sister, parents, grandma, aunt, uncle, cousins, inlaws etc will all be there. I enjoy spending time with my family. We have fun together. But when my AB is there, I can't seem to enjoy myself. I am still so mad at him. Yes, I know I need to work on that, but that is where I am with it right now.
So, do I go? Do I make a stand and not go? There really are 2 reasons why I wouldnt go.
1) To avoid seeing my brother, getting into an argument, etc etc. I have done very well at cutting him out of my life at this point. As well, I would like for the gifts I bought for my husband, family to not be stolen. This is all logical, and I feel fine with making this decision.
2) To punish my parents. After lots of reflection, I think this may be more of the reason I don't want to go, and I know that is a horrible thing to be feeling. I want them to have to see that its THEIR actions that are helping to drive us all apart. THEY arethe ones letting him stay there. They are the ones giving him money. THEY are the ones coming up with excuses. But just like my AB, there is nothing I can do or say to change their behaviour.
So, now I am back to square one, with no idea what to do.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Rub
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I tried for a long time to punish my daughter for her addiction. It did not do a bit of good. She is still an addict. I did, however, have to take time away for myself. I had to feel the anger (Which was really my fear for her.) and I had to work on myself. This year I invited my daughter for Thanksgiving. She came late and was high, but she was not mean and I had to let the other things go. We did have a nice time and I felt good when she left. I am inviting her for Christmas. I don't know what the future holds for her and I don't want my future to be lived with regrets. But I have some pretty good boundaries and she respects those and now I know that I am strong enough to enforce my boundaries. Don't punish your parents. They love your brother and need to find their own way. Your shutting them out will not make them see the light any faster. You can still enjoy Christmas with your family if you make a boundary for yourself that you will not discuss your brother's addiction and you will leave before you are pulled into the chaos. Take along a big roll of duct tape and some jujubees. They come in handy when you have a need to say something that you shouldn't
Hugs, Marle
Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
rub,
I'm afraid I can't be much help, even though I have a stepmother like your parents, and a brother like your brother.
I simply can't be with them at Christmas. I will talk to them on the phone (if in fact they ever find my brother...he's currently missing) and send them a loving note, but I can't bring myself to ruin my Christmas by being exposed to the pandering, the bickering, the enabling, the drinking, the drugs, the self-pity, the lies, and everything else. My father died several years ago, and for the first time I can say that it's better that way: this was his youngest son, whom he loved with all his heart, and this would all just break it.
Christmas comes but once a year, and it's special to me. I wish I could say that I am the bigger person and can overcome it all and show my love by being there, but that would be a lie. I guess it is different for me in a way: I'm not punishing anybody....after four addicted siblings, I simply don't have the energy left to punish anyone. But I still don't want to go, I can't truly celebrate with them, I won't feel the love of the season with them, and it would all be a pointless exercise rooted in guilt and obligation. For me.
It's a tough thing, rub. I'm sorry you're having to go through it, and even more sorry that I don't have any good advice, except, "To Thine Own Heart Be True."
I'm afraid I can't be much help, even though I have a stepmother like your parents, and a brother like your brother.
I simply can't be with them at Christmas. I will talk to them on the phone (if in fact they ever find my brother...he's currently missing) and send them a loving note, but I can't bring myself to ruin my Christmas by being exposed to the pandering, the bickering, the enabling, the drinking, the drugs, the self-pity, the lies, and everything else. My father died several years ago, and for the first time I can say that it's better that way: this was his youngest son, whom he loved with all his heart, and this would all just break it.
Christmas comes but once a year, and it's special to me. I wish I could say that I am the bigger person and can overcome it all and show my love by being there, but that would be a lie. I guess it is different for me in a way: I'm not punishing anybody....after four addicted siblings, I simply don't have the energy left to punish anyone. But I still don't want to go, I can't truly celebrate with them, I won't feel the love of the season with them, and it would all be a pointless exercise rooted in guilt and obligation. For me.
It's a tough thing, rub. I'm sorry you're having to go through it, and even more sorry that I don't have any good advice, except, "To Thine Own Heart Be True."
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
Lots of great support and feedback before me.
I'm just sending you warm hugs and prayers.
I hope you can enjoy your holidays without all the
chaos and drama that comes with your brother being
an addict and your parents codependency and enabling.
I'm just sending you warm hugs and prayers.
I hope you can enjoy your holidays without all the
chaos and drama that comes with your brother being
an addict and your parents codependency and enabling.
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
do you think that "punishing" your parents is going to accomplish anything?
what I would do if I had your situation......
I would go for desert, or just for awhile, take no gifts and if someone asked me why I would say I don't want them stolen like before. (of course if that was said that would be my exit)
No reason you should let your brohters problem keep you from the rest of your family. just my opinion
good luck with your decision
what I would do if I had your situation......
I would go for desert, or just for awhile, take no gifts and if someone asked me why I would say I don't want them stolen like before. (of course if that was said that would be my exit)
No reason you should let your brohters problem keep you from the rest of your family. just my opinion
good luck with your decision
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
I understand your problem. My brother has ruined our family get-togethers for 20+ years, the last 5 he and my daughter pulled double duty.
Your parents are from a different age and don't understand. Mine didn't but they learned! After being told we were "loving her to death" that was an awakening for us all.
My brother just got out of hospital. Manipulation at the best. He still uses "prescription drugs" has a drug pump, all because he "needs it". He is now loved from a distance. He sees the difference, and of course it is everyone else.
I go to the holidays, stay away from him or her (whichever one is acting up) and at the first sign of drama, I leave! As I learned here on SR, I don't have to have a front seat to the drama! It saved my sanity a few times. You'll be amazed how many follow after one person steps out!!
My prayers are with you, it is hard, very hard.
susan
:praying
Your parents are from a different age and don't understand. Mine didn't but they learned! After being told we were "loving her to death" that was an awakening for us all.
My brother just got out of hospital. Manipulation at the best. He still uses "prescription drugs" has a drug pump, all because he "needs it". He is now loved from a distance. He sees the difference, and of course it is everyone else.
I go to the holidays, stay away from him or her (whichever one is acting up) and at the first sign of drama, I leave! As I learned here on SR, I don't have to have a front seat to the drama! It saved my sanity a few times. You'll be amazed how many follow after one person steps out!!
My prayers are with you, it is hard, very hard.
susan
:praying
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Berea, Kentucky
Posts: 9
Dear heart, I feel for you. I understand the feeling of WANTING other people to "get it". For me this means re-wording the first step: I admit that I am powerless over OTHER PEOPLE, and my life has become unmanageable. Yep, I'm powerless over alcohol and drugs, and I'm also powerless over other people's choices, reactions. Part of my unhealthiness is wanting to control what other people say and do.
Your parents are going to do what they're going to do. Acceptance and detachment have been lifesavers for me, when dealing with the enablers, as well as with the addict. I had to try everything I could possibly think of to "help / save / rescue" my addict, before I could accept my own powerlessness. Other people have to go through that process too, and even though it seems like their process is taking FOREVER AND EVER, I understand that it's theirs, and it belongs to them. I had to stop trying to "help / save / rescue" the enablers that I love, too.
I had to grieve a lot of expectations that I had before I could begin to set boundaries for myself and live by them without resentment, sadness or longing. Ok, so I don't have the perfect cozy family that I imagined would eventually emerge --- but I can enjoy a day with people that I care about without expecting them to be who they are not --- and I can gracefully leave if the coffers of hell appear to be ready to blow!!
Blessings to you as you focus on yourself, your needs, your beautiful life....
Laura
Your parents are going to do what they're going to do. Acceptance and detachment have been lifesavers for me, when dealing with the enablers, as well as with the addict. I had to try everything I could possibly think of to "help / save / rescue" my addict, before I could accept my own powerlessness. Other people have to go through that process too, and even though it seems like their process is taking FOREVER AND EVER, I understand that it's theirs, and it belongs to them. I had to stop trying to "help / save / rescue" the enablers that I love, too.
I had to grieve a lot of expectations that I had before I could begin to set boundaries for myself and live by them without resentment, sadness or longing. Ok, so I don't have the perfect cozy family that I imagined would eventually emerge --- but I can enjoy a day with people that I care about without expecting them to be who they are not --- and I can gracefully leave if the coffers of hell appear to be ready to blow!!
Blessings to you as you focus on yourself, your needs, your beautiful life....
Laura
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