AskingWhy

Sigh.

My A had a health scare, but all tests came back ok. Trust me, I'm really glad that my A isn't physically ill and having to undergo more tests or medication, but A's doc told A that it was not necessary to stop drinking. I doubt the doc knows exactly how much A drinks.

So A tells me the results and says "I don't have to stop drinking because everything is fine...but I will try to cut back for you".

This, of course, on the heels of a screaming fight over the weekend, and the "try to cut back for you" is because I do now have the opportunity and capability to cut my losses and leave.

I know the "try to cut back for you" is just a ploy. I know there will be NO cutting back.

Of course I get the blame for the drinking...the "stress that I create adn the fact that it bothers me and the way I act about it just causes A to drink more"..or so A says.

Sigh. I'm so tired and like everyone else, the situation is so more complicated than I can even write about....

guineapigjude

(((((AskingWhy)))))). It's never the fault of the alcohol, is it?
Take care of yourself. It's never easy or clear cut. I'll be thinking of you.

FormerDoormat

The situation is complicated. The solution is simple:

"I now have the opportunity and capability to cut my losses and leave."

Barbara52

Any excuse will do, won't it. Especially one form a doctor. {shakes head} Obviously, your husband is not ready to deal with his alcoholism.

The real question is what are you ready to do for yourself?

CBrown

Yup, my XABF said that too. The next weekend he went to Key West and binged up a storm. So after the bottom fell out I got a promise out of him that he would quit. Not one, not two, NOTHING after a month of weaning.

Funny but his attitude started changing toward me. He found a better option, and I became "tiresome."

Quitting drinking for someone else is the same as me losing weight for someone else. It won't work. I have do to it for ME and only ME!

prodigal

... so often, that now I just shrug it off as denial with a capital "D." He's only fooling himself, but what they hey - it's his life.

I got this same nonsense way back in March after I left AH for three weeks. He called me one night and told me if I got a full-time job, he'd go to AA and get a sponsor. In my field of work, there are NO full-time jobs, and I think I've applied for them all! Since I am not bilingual, and I live 22 miles north of Mexico, the court system - juvenile and/or adult divisions - will not hire me.

My lack of employment aside, I remember when he tried to cut this deal with me. I responded, "I didn't realize sobriety was subject to negotiation." Bottom line: I've watched him stop drinking for up to TWO whole weeks (whoppee ... yeah, whatever ...), I've watched him quit drinking Scotch and switch only to wine, I've heard him say he was an alcoholic in AA meetings and open meetings I've attended at the three rehab facilities he's been in.

Guess what? He's still drinking, he still tries every trick in the book to convince himself he can drink like us non-A's, and he doesn't have a clue what working a program of sobriety deals with at its core: honesty.

Just blow off what you're hearing as more of an A's blah, blah, blah ... sad, but true.

denny57

That's why it doesn't matter how much, how often, etc. It's about making changes in my own life that improve it. I can't look to someone else to perform for me.

tryingtoheal

Hi, AskingWhy! Just wanted to chime in, say hello and sincerely wish you and your A the best. Try to stay positive and hopeful. But also try to stay realistic (don't worry, I still am in semi-denial and live in a fantasy world, so I'll be praying for you and I both to stay realistic!! ) and learn everything possible (I am attempting!) in order to make the right choices for yourself and for your AH.

I hope your situation is atypical, but this was big concern to me when you wrote it: on the heels of a screaming fight over the weekend, and the "try to cut back for you"

If only he would have said something more like, "I know that I have a drinking problem. I am going to a 30-day, out-patient facility to get better. I start tomorrow. It's an evening program, so you don't have to worry about getting a full-time job right away because I won't have to take any time off of work. Why don't you take some Spanish classes while I'm at rehab at night? I promise to change, baby. I am so sorry for all the hurt and worrying I have caused you to needlessly feel. I love you, and I promise to honor our marraige vows by living a sober life. I don't want to spend one more minute drunk...and you have my word on that."

hadenoughnow

I hear ya, mine is "cutting back" too. Right now he is in the kitchen "not drinking wine" LOL. I can laugh now because he is getting served with divorce papers in january, soon he and his drinking won't be my problem anymore.

WLDKATZ

Thinking jumping off a cliff without a shute compaired just cuse it was a small one

SaTiT

yeah..my Agf therapist use to tell her it was okay for her to gamble
our lives away just as long as she wasn't killing herself.
and it was okay for her to drink if she needed drink just as long
as she wasn't killing herself...

hints....he's not my therapist and dosen't have my best interest in mind.
Or maybe..if she drives me crazy enough..I'll probably have to
go talk to him too. lol

cmc

Yet _he_ continues to stay around you...who he claims is the reason he drinks.

I've found that I can wear myself out physically, emotionally and mentally, if I don't take care of myself. There is nothing complicated about that. What is complicated is trying to decide when to say 'when' and begin to do what _I_ need to do for myself. Once I look at the black & white heart of the matter...of just about any situation in my life, I must choose: to not do anything or make a positive choice. I'm not saying that it is easy, but it is very simple.

In my life those 'special circumstances' or as you refer to them- "complications" fall into two categories; first are facts of my life that I cannot change and secondly, byproducts of my own actions. (think:Serenity Prayer)

For the first case, whatever the circumstances are...my actions or inaction won't change them anyway. For the second case- I can change how I view the whole situation and also learn to make good choices for myself. There is nothing complicated about it unless I allow my old habits and emotions to have control.

ccirider

Hi CBrown:

Thx for your post. What came to my mind when I read this was how many women give up alcohol when they get pregnant, then several months later they pick up again.

Peace.

steve11694

Many doctors honestly do not have a complete understanding of alcoholism and the need for SOBRIETY. Perhaps the doc didn't know he is alcoholic? or did know and did not realize sobriety is the unequivocal answer

daddyslittlegir

Sometimes i wonder about doctors.... so quick to prescribe anyone and everyone paxil, zoloft, xanax etc, whether they need it or not, but they still let their patients get away with heavy drinking. Every 6 months my mum makes my dad go for an entire physical, blood work included, and every 6 months, God knows how, he brings back a glowing report, everything is completely normal, liver function is perfect (wtf!) and he flaunts it in our face, then heads off to the bar to pour himself the first of 10 celebratory glasses of wine.... while we look on wondering just what it will take to stop him. Your husband sounds like my dad askingwhy, they always make it seem like you are insane for questioning their drinking, that its normal to drink what they do every night. Mum and i fell for this for a while, feeling like we were overreacting, but not anymore.

How's this for good parenting, he has also once said (drunk) no wonder i drink you girls (me, mum, sister) create conflict, stress and upset the family dynamic. He says he can't cope with our family so he drinks, perhaps it's more like our family isnt coping, because he drinks...

It's really draining living with this, I don't know how a lot of you people do it, i find it inspiring, especially when i'm so fortunate my dad never becomes disorderly, really. But like cmc said, it's tiring, physically, emotionally, mentally. I try and do stuff for myself all the time, I rarely deny myself any pleasure, food, clothes, shoes, sleep, whenever i want it i get it, facials, massages, getting my nails done.... but no matter how much i do for myself i can never seem to compensate for the exhaustion that is living with the knowledge that a bottle of pinot noir is more important than his baby girl, and i have to say that i'm pretty switched off emotionally, i cry every six months, but typing that now, thinking of how he used to wash me in the hand basin every night as a newborn, his first daughter.... i'm sobbing.... and right now he's passed out sleeping, i doubt he cares...

steve11694

"thinking of how he used to wash me in the hand basin every night as a newborn, "

I have home videos of my wife washing our baby daughter in a hand basin as you say. My wife was so much in love with the little girl and so full of life before alcohol entered the picture. Hard to imagine how a parent can choose drinking and people at low level bars over their own child?

Barbara52

My AH got real ticked off at me when he said this and I told him it wasn't good enough. But I knew and know that he cannot handle any level of drinking.