obsessed

Well, at 1am on Sunday morning my 18 year old AD shows up at my door. Just crying and saying I can't do this anymore, I get her calmed down, she admits to using crack,meth and huffing air duster-that is a new one for us..I think. I got her in bed around 3am and when she gets up, she asks if she can borrow my car, I thought it was strange but said yes so she leaves around 10:30 or 11:00, and comes back around 4 or 4:30 and I did not say anything, I knew it would do no good, I was about to panic but I knew it made no difference. My fault I know but while she was gone I went in car and put gas in it and bought her some minutes for her phone and she took a shower and I gave up and was in the bed by 5:30 Sunday afternoon. I knew as soon as she got back that she was messed up on something. My car came back with no gas when she left it had half of a tank. I am so mad at myself but I thought she might mean it this time but not this time. I just can't believe that I fell for it again. I figure she delievered drugs in mine because for some reason she did not go in hers. I am still shaking my head. I am now trying to figure out how do you know when they mean they want help??

Impurrfect

((((obsessed)))))) - all I know is actions speak louder than words. worked all night and am still half asleep, so hopefully someone else will be along with with words of wisdom.

I wouldn't let her drive your car again - if she was delivering drugs and got caught, your car will be impounded.

Don't be too hard on yourself....seems like we have to get burned over and over again until WE reach our bottom. But remember....as long as you give her a soft landing, gas for YOUR car, etc. she really has no consequences of using and most likely won't see that it is a problem, much less want to get help for it.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

liesagain

so sorry you are going thru this.......................the addict in my life is my husband not my child....... but I can share what I have learned..........

I have learned that when coming down from drugs he will say or promise anything.....to avoid a fight or to gain my sympathy

I have learned that allowing him access to our family funds or letting him leave in my car is never a wise choice because even with months clean.........he can (and has ) relapse at anytime...........

I have learned that expensive gifts can and will be traded for drugs

I have learned that tools and even cell phones can and will be traded for drugs

I have learned that I cant stop him from doing drugs, even with NOT giving the money, car, gifts, tools or phones..................IF he wants to do drugs he WILL find a way
but I HAVE learned that I dont have to assist him in doing drugs by making it easier

I have learned that untill he wants to stop he WONT

I have learned that yelling screaming and guilt only make him want to use more
I have learned that it doesnt have to be bad things to make him want to use............good things, good days and even uneventful days are reasons to use

I have learned that I have to stop trying to fix him and work on fixing me..........


you will be in my thoughts!!!!

caileesnana

Hi,
I am a mom of and AD. It's takes something different for everyone to finally let go. I am so sorry for your pain.

I finally let go when the counselor told me I was assisting in killing her and could I live with that??? My love was helping kill her. I woke up real fast!!

You are in my thoughts and prayers, no parent should have to live this hell.

susan
:praying

nytepassion

You know addicts are quirky people .. we use and get all our emotions messed up and going in a million different directions ... (a fight with a boyfriend can cause major drama .. to the addict its the end of the world and can send them into hysterics) keep in mind who knows how long she had been up, how much dope she has been doing .. and what triggered her tears .. what ever happened it sounds like it caused her some pain and addicts don't like pain so they run Usually for more dope, but if for some reason they can't get none .. they'll end up on the doorstep of a loved one crying and saying this is it .. I can't take it anymore .. and the reality is they can't take the pain that they are feeling in their heart at the time.. and they are looking for an emotional rescue ... once that need has been met it is back to business as usual.

Sounds to me like she must have been out of dope and used your car to go score some ...

As much as it hurts and as painful as this is for you to have your hopes up only to be let down again .. don't take it personal .. she didn't do this to hurt you ... she is an addict and she is doing what addicts do ... and will continue this pattern until she hits bottom .. where and when that is we don't know, but you can bet if and when she does You'll know because it will show by her deeds and actions.

****{Hugs}}}
Passion

rahsue

when you hand them a phone number and they call it.

when they go to the rehab on their own

when they don't need us to do the work.

thats my opinon anyway

laketime

Hello, We have'nt met but my AS is 20. He started using when he was 15. Im like Susan it helps me in letting go to realize that Im committing slow murder when I enable him to use drugs. My AS didn't stop until he had screwed up everything and everyone in his life. Expelled from school, rehab, counseling, jail, court dates , fines, the typical addicts rollercoaster of a life. Im still not perfect in my rcovery but I realize now and only by experience is that he had no reason to quit while I was holding him up. He couldn't see or feel the consequences of his actions because I would'nt let him. I was always there to save him. My love and need to protect him had the same effect as pouring a little poison in his fruit loops every morning. Killing him slowly. As I said , Im not perfect and of course he's not either, but if someone's going to kill him, it won't be me. He will have to do it himself, its the same as his recovery, if he want's it, he has to get it himself, I can't do it for him.

puddinface

Laketime...my 20 yr. old AS has been on that roller coaster since he's 14 as well. As of lately, he's been staying at his fathers house (an enabler). He is headed for court ordered rehab very shortly. I was devastated that this boy hasnt been home in a month...not understanding why. I get it now...he doesnt want stability and doesnt want to hear me preaching to him about getting clean. I don't feel bad anymore. I realize now that nothing I will ever say to him, not all the love in the world, will make him do what he doesnt want to do. I give up the fight. I pray that he finds his way everyday.

marle

About 2 years ago after spending the winter with her crack addict boyfriend, my daughter (who was facing eviction) decided that she wanted to clean up her act. At the time she told me that she was ready, that drugs were not her problem and that she had only used a couple of times in the four months she spent with the abf and without a relationship with me. So what did I do? Well I paid her back rent so she could continue to stay in her apartment which was upstairs from the boyfriend, I paid her back cell phone bill so she would have a way to communicate with him, I paid to have her hair done, her gym membership renewed and I stocked her cupboards for her. She did get a job, but was continuing to have contact with the boyfriend the whole time. She told me she wanted to go back to college, so I paid a deposit for on campus housing for the fall, I paid for two classes at a community college so that she had enough transfer credit to get a scholarship. I even helped her do her schoolwork. Managed to spend about $3,000+ to get her back to "Normal". What did she do? She took what I gave and then three months later decided that her heart lay with the abf. What did I do? I wanted to die. Instead I learned to let her go and learned to live my life. Learned to say no when she came to me with her half-baked plans to leave the abf and quit using drugs. The difference with me today is that I no longer have any illusion that my daughter is an addict, that she will not quit because I want her to and that if I let her, she will use me and make promises that she has no intention on keeping. I am different today because I made the mistakes I made and learned from every one of them the same way that you will. I know it is hard but saying no and letting her find the answers elsewhere is a very loving thing to do for both of you. Sending some hugs and prayers, Marle

hope213

read & read & read some more. it took baby steps for me to let go of my a.s.
i was & am devoted to my recovery program. it works if you work it. it is not done over nite.it is a daily education & i learn something new everyday. you can not trust an addict.they have to prove themselves & have to be clean a very long time. i hope your daughter will find her way.keep praying for her & i will pray for you both. hugs,

Done_With_It

They usually do want help, but they don't change until they are made to change.

cyennageorge

I have a friend who wants to get clean, but after 2 weeks of no use and throwing out all the needles and paraphanlia, hung out with friends and got high.
The underlying cause of the addiction is coping skills, but I feel helpless in my desire to help. I have listened to rants of wanting to become clean and get a GED, Dl, Work assistance and counseling for anger management and lots of other fantastic goals. I've heard the tales of attending class and truly believe this friend wants to move forward, but I am not qualified to help.
I joined this program to find a resource that will benefit me in my attempt to direct this young person to the right program and how to motivate and encourage them to make the first step, which must be theirs.
Thanks in advance

Freedom1990

Welcome cyennageorge! You might want to copy and paste your information on a new thread here at SR in order to get more responses, okay?

keepinon

I refused to help my daughter die from her drug addiction.the best thing that can happen is that they are allowed to feel the consequences and don't like them.They include:homelessness, illness, lonliness, being hungry, cold, tired, living in filth, etc. Wallowing in thier addiction is sometimes the only way they have enough.A warm bed, food, a car filled with gas, minutes on a phone, 5 dollars enables them to live that life one more day. Most people cannot live a life of active addiction very long unless someone is helping them..I didn't want to be that person.