tbay

hi all.

i started dating a girl about 5 months ago. she told me before we started that she had been in rehab for pain pills but she said she was in recovery. i have fallen deep in love with her. 2 days ago she started going through withdraw. she had told me through the 5 months that she had used a couple of times and i caught her once. she went to a few na meetings but not every day or even week. she is in the hospital right now and has said that she is going to out patient rehab. her brother is a recovering alcoholic and has told me the best thing to do is walk away. i know in my head that this is true but my heart is telling me a different story. she came clean or so she says and has told me that she stole pills from me and from my family. she is on medication for bi-polar but me and her family think that this was done when she first got on drugs and was not using all the time so she was fine on drugs and then depressed when she was off and so forth. her mom and brother are trying to help me by not wanting me to be involved or get any deeper. however, i feel sick when i think of not being with her during this time.

my question is: do i take this as a warning of what is to come and run or do i stay and see if she gets better and if we can rebuild the bridge?

i know that it is something i will worry about forever but i know some addicts get clean and stay that way. how do i know or can i ever know?

thanks any comments will help. i am just trying to get my head around this as it has only been 2 days since i found out. i can look back now and see the warning signs but who can't.

i need help and i need it from someone who is not my family or hers.

SenoritaC

Hello and welcome!

You sound like you are in the same predicament in a sense, that I was in 6 months ago. Now every addict is different, but I can say now that I wish I had walked away. Nothing has changed. Currently my A is residing in the local mental hospital, and took off last week to use all night. I live in Canada, it is winter. Needless to say, he has some black fingertips, and there was talk of amputation. I just got word that he took off again, and it's even colder....

I can truly say after 6 months, that I wish I had taken my heart with some hurt and walked away. It would be less hurt, and not nearly as full of bitterness and resentment, and I wouldn't have lost so much of myself. If you must, take babysteps, but realize that you may suffer through great mind-consuming fear and hurt. One day you will too reach your breaking point, if she continues down this road

Lovestoomuch

Welcome to SR tbay!

Of course no one can tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I would do. 5 months?? RUN LIKE THE WIND!!

My ex-boyfriend is the addict in my life. I had 5 years with this man. 5 years too long. 5 years of a roller coaster ride to hell and back and all points in between.

I don't mean to sound so harsh. Some addicts do recover, but it's a life long thing.......and there's always a possibility of relapse. 5 months isn't a very long time. Do yourself a favor..........save yourself because no one can save your girlfriend except for her. All said with love.

splendra

Welcome!

You might want to find out how long she has been using. If she has been on drugs for a while then it may take quite a long time for her to recover if she does recover.

You might want to consider yourself more than her at this point. You sound pretty young. Five months is not a very long time to know someone and to be already deep in love sounds like the relationship is moving very fast which is normal for an adictive relationship.

This feeling of being sick is an indicator that you have issues. Why are you not secure enough in your own life to not feel sick without her? It sounds like her family knows her pretty well and they are probably trying to help you see something.

Give yourself a break...

skisocc555

i feel for you tbay, this is my first post/reply. I have been in a 6 month relationship with my gf, there are alot of similarties between your story and mine. I knew my gf from early on that she had trouble with addicition. It wasnt till month's later did it show it's ugly face. I finally decided todo something about it and had a long conversation with her parents. even at that point i was not ready to walk away from her, some part of me said this is wrong and another part said she needs me. We have been arguing for the last 2 weeks and been on a break at her request. Still i could not pull away from her, it was like you said, making me sick inside not knowing how she was doing. It wasnt until about a week ago when her mother and i talked over the phone, and suggested that i get some advice either through al-anon or therapy. There are some things now that are making sense after doing both of these things, there is nothing i can do for her, i can only control myself and my actions. every day my emotions are different and i am stuggling on still what todo, regardless i still want whats best for her and myself and that is for her to be sober. With us around we dont allow the addict to recover, or until that person decides we can be. Just like you her family has recovering alcholioc's, try and trust there reasons, they understand what it takes. Alot what i am doing in my head is saying i dont want to control her i want to be apart of her life, she wont be able to be a participant in the relationship until she fixes herself and you dont know when or if this will happen, it hurts now even saying this myself but i know it's true.

rahsue

hi and welcome to sr.
My opoinon is walk away, if she is clean and stays clean call her in a few months.

read all you can here it will help you tremendously

sjr

i agree with rahsue! walk away.....if it is a "meant to be" relationship...a few months of her focusing on herself will do her and you some good.

tbay

does talking to her regularly hurt her chances of a longer recovery?

t

skisocc555

i don't think there is a right answer if talking to her hurts her chances, the best thing right now is for you to focus on you, it was the hardest and remains the hardest thing right now not having any contact with my gf at all, each day will get alittle easier, do something you did before you met. Go out with friends and distract yourself from the urge to want to hear from her or from you wanting to call her. Right now your head says one thing and your heart says another, for me talking it out with someone is starting to help make things easier. You might be having the same intial feelings i had, i must be there for her in order for her to feel better.... but ask yourself who is feeling better you or her? Out of everything i am reading and learning the whole recovery process is taking time, each person in the relationship will be affected by it differently. If she is truly "accepting" fighting the addiction it will be on her to fix her, alot of addicts go to any lengths to lie or band aid the problem just so they can get to the alchool or drug again, it's all they know, if you want a relationship in end you owe it to yourself to be better armed with knowledge about the addiction and about yourself before it could work and even then the two of you may be different and no longer able to "bridge" it

Spiritual Seeker

What are your conditions?
For me I when I dated there were only a few deal breakers.
1. Top of list was addiction/mental illness. If I am choosing someone to parent with this is not good genetic material or ideal parent.
2. debt.
3. Unhealthy lifestyle
People do change. People do grow. People do recover.
Find someone who has.

laketime

Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, as soon and as fast as you can. Listen to her brother. He wishes he could but he can't , he's her brother. I wish I could run too but my addict is my son, so I can't You can.

GoodKarma

tbay, I am in the same situation as you. I started dating an addict nine months ago. He had just gotten out of rebab. He was very upfront from the beginning about being a recovering addict. I still chose to get involved with him. Things were great for a few months and then he started going back to the way he was. Back to drugs and/or alcohol.

I don't think they are capable of being in a loving relationship. Their love is the drug. I am distancing myself from my him more and more. I know he is not what I want for a long term partner the way he is.

He is in his forties and has lost everything because of drugs. He said everything he owns now would fit into a backpack. He has nothing.

Sorry to say, they usually don't change.

hope213

welcome to S.R. i can not tell you to stay or leave her. i can say it is a long hard journey with an addict & i would not wish it on anyone. my son is my addict & he has been on crack for 13 yrs. it is up to the addict to get clean & stay clean. it is hard to do & some never get clean. they disappear for days & weeks at a time,they lie & steal. they can not be trusted until they have a recovery program & work it on an everyday basic & it takes their whole life to work it.you can not love them clean. if you could none of us would be here. ask yourself what kind of life do you want? i hope you keep coming back & let us know how u r doing. prayers for you both.

rahsue

I could be wrong but when you start recovery aren't you supposed to hold off on any relationships for at least a year so that you can focus on the recover?

Impurrfect

Rashue -

Yes, that is a recommendation. I've got almost 9 months clean, and even though I think I'm doing pretty darn good, I know I'm not ready for a "relationship". I am one of those who gets so totally wrapped up in the other person, I forget about myself - not a good thing when you're an RA.

tbay - I won't say that talking to her frequently would slow down her recovery, but would guess that depends on what you're talking about. My dad is very uneducated about addiction and when I first got clean, would ask if I was having "cravings" a lot.....it really annoyed me. I wanted to say "gee dad, I wasn't even thinking about it 'til you brought it up".

What I guess I'm trying to say, is recovery is so much more about quitting the dope. That's the easy part....it's finding a way to live and not pick up again, that's hard. You haven't been together that long, even though it may seem like it to you. You both need time apart to figure out what you really want from life.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

tbay

as of right now, i do not know exactly what i am going to do. as of right now, i have left it open. we have talked and she says that she was not using everyday or even every week but time will tell if i can believe that 100 percent. the tox screen at the hospital only showed zanex and not an overload of that. the dr told her mom that lack of sleep had probally been the biggest (and i use that term loosely) problem at the time. she says that she is committed to geting herself clean for her because she wants to be able to have a "life" in the future and a relationship. she has stated that she would like that to be with me but she knows that she has hurt me and that time will tell, but even if it is not with me she wants that for herself in the future. she is living with her mom about 90 min. away and i have told her that we can keep talking but seeing and dating are out of the question until she is right with herself and she says she agrees and knows that no matter how hard she would try that dating would take away from her recovery. she seems very committed ( however i assume they all do) so i told her that she had the ball and she could drop it or run with it.

thanks for your reply

t

Troubledone

I normally wouldn't post just to reiterate what others have said, but I gotta tell ya - the chances for a relationship with this girl are SLIM.

My neice was addicted and started dating a guy while addicted. I tried a million times to tell him, he wasn't dating her, he was dating the drugs.

Of course, he didn't listen. After she got sober, she dumped him. Usually that is because addicts want a codependent and when they recover, codependents can be particularly annoying to them. And what's worse, is she traded this really nice guy for a jerk.

So - I'd say go get help for yourself. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but it is my opinion that it's a law of the universe that addicts attract codependents (and visa versa).

Also, I'm 52 and have seen a lot of life. If you "fell in love" in 5 months, what you really did was "fall into infatuation". You don't really know who this person is until you've seen her sober for at least 6 months. And even then, we all tend to look at our own projection of what we want vs. what's really there.

So, unless you are very young and have a lot of time to waste, I'd say go find out why you are attracted to addicts and heal yourself. Then take another stab at relationships.

Of course, I know doing that is MUCH easier said than done. So no matter what, please try to find a nar-anon family group for yourself so that as you ride the roller coaster, you can get some help for you.

Good luck and prayers that she starts recovery in earnest soon.

hundow08

When i first met my husband, unknowingly he was an addict. I found out he was a user when i wa 5 months pregnant. my brother told me to leave. but i thought my love and support would help heal him... make him clean. 1 year later i married him (he was still using). 6 years later he is still using..... Save your self from all this heartache. If i were you i would leave before it goes any further, it will only be harder to leave later. I wish now that i would have listened to my brothers advice. After all once a user always a user.

Wascally Wabbit

If you want an honest answer, I would run backwards as fast as I could.
If you read this board, you know what you're in for. It does not get better. It drains every ounce of energy from you and then, after you wake up, you're pennyless and alone.
No amount of Love can help either.
I hope things go well for you.

hbb

Welcome to SR, my exbf is an alcoholic and if i could do it over i would have run like the wind. We were together almost a year and it felt like 90 years. The drama, chaos and depression that goes along with an addict is overwelming. At Christmas last year i couldn't take anymore and i told him it was me or beer. He chose to go to AA weekly and get help. Unfortunately he was worse sober as he was dry (moodier, depressed and miserable). It's hard to live with someone that unhealthy if your healthy. I'm not saying give up but i really really wish i took care of ME and i didn't and now in the end he left me for his exgf that will accept his unacceptable behavior.