Disapointed
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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Disapointed
And not really sure why anymore. For the first time in several months i saw my exabf. Nothing serious but he acted like he didn't even know me 
not that i went waving but it was like he just didn't even care. Just bums me out when i had such a good week, kinda makes me start at the bottom again. He didn't look so good and maybe life isn't a bunch of roses for him but it makes me sad. I loved him so much and how one day your best friends and the next like you don't even know each other. Guess i really have to stop thinking about him period which is impossible, especially towards the holidays, i feel lonely and alone.
Why do i even care, i even cried for a bit I HATE THIS.
not that i went waving but it was like he just didn't even care. Just bums me out when i had such a good week, kinda makes me start at the bottom again. He didn't look so good and maybe life isn't a bunch of roses for him but it makes me sad. I loved him so much and how one day your best friends and the next like you don't even know each other. Guess i really have to stop thinking about him period which is impossible, especially towards the holidays, i feel lonely and alone. Why do i even care, i even cried for a bit
I HATE THIS.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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(((((Hbb)))))))
I have to keep reading these boards in order to stop myself from contacting XABF these days. I don't want to be back with him AT ALL but the codie side of me wonders why he has just stopped calling me....he threw away all hope when he mailed all my (our, his) stuff back. In a way he had the last word (although I did hang up on him when he phoned to see whether or not the box of stuff had arrived so maybe I had the last word) and there's a part of me that used to always want the last word....I guess that's my desire to control.
I won't contact him.....what's the point? My life IS better without him in it. If he's together with another I imagine she'll be posting here before too long!
More hugs!
ARL
I have to keep reading these boards in order to stop myself from contacting XABF these days. I don't want to be back with him AT ALL but the codie side of me wonders why he has just stopped calling me....he threw away all hope when he mailed all my (our, his) stuff back. In a way he had the last word (although I did hang up on him when he phoned to see whether or not the box of stuff had arrived so maybe I had the last word) and there's a part of me that used to always want the last word....I guess that's my desire to control.
I won't contact him.....what's the point? My life IS better without him in it. If he's together with another I imagine she'll be posting here before too long!
More hugs!
ARL
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
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Hi Heather (((()))) Try to think how you would feel if he was begging you to get back together,that he was manipulating you and pulling very hard on your heart strings to get what he wants. And your heart is telling you yes because you still love him and your head is screaming no cos you know that it will never work and all you have as a future with him is misery.
That is my situation at the moment and it's heartbreaking. The wierd thing about being co dependant is no matter how the alcoholic treats us we all feel hurt it's like a no win situation, they can ignore us and it hurts, they can beg and plead for us and it hurts. Till I learn to think about ME and to hell with him, im afraid im gonna be on this ride a little longer, its not as bumpy as it used to be!!!!! but ive still got a few corner to go round.
Hang on there girl, your doing good.
Mairxxx
That is my situation at the moment and it's heartbreaking. The wierd thing about being co dependant is no matter how the alcoholic treats us we all feel hurt it's like a no win situation, they can ignore us and it hurts, they can beg and plead for us and it hurts. Till I learn to think about ME and to hell with him, im afraid im gonna be on this ride a little longer, its not as bumpy as it used to be!!!!! but ive still got a few corner to go round.
Hang on there girl, your doing good.
Mairxxx
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Heather and ARL, you ladies sound like where I was at back in 2006 with my XABF. We broke in February 2005, and a year later I was curious, couldn't find closure, wondered why we'd split, everything you are probably feeling.
I got my answer 12/2006. I called my XABF one day and he said "Claudia? I don't know any Claudia." I laughed and said "I can think of THREE at least that you know!" I thought he was being cruel, or being funny. Plus I was ANGRY because this man had exited my life without a word and I thought he owed me an explanation. Plus, he had the nerve to introduce the new woman to me on the phone. He put us both in a horrible situation. She wanted to know who I was, and I said "uh, um, an old friend?"
Anyway, I flew down to Miami, rented a car, and confronted him. I was not prepared for what I found. He was filthy, stank, had greasy shoulder-length hair, and basically had "wet brain." He probably DIDN'T remember who I was. It was heartbreaking, and it started a year of trying to get him help. Well, that didn't go well at all.
My point is that what Miss Pink said above is true:
"Addicition robs the person of thier soul....with no soul, there is no emotion. Thats why he was a zombie when you saw him. He isnt there...."He" is pushed way dowwn into the abyss intoa deep dark cramped room of despair."
OMG is this true. When they get so far down, "they" are gone. Even on their way down, they do things that are insane, make no sense to people who aren't brain damaged. We simply cannot judge them on our own terms because they are not living life on our terms. They're in a hell that we can't get them out of - they have to miraculously find their way out.
So Heather and ARL, my heart goes out to you more than you know. Maybe you'll get like me and NOT WANT TO KNOW what R is doing because I'm afraid it will be a horror show by now. Last I heard the rats were taking over his boat and the bilge was filing with sewage. It would kill me to see him living like that.
Don't let them take you down. Please. Alcoholism doesn't need more victims, that evil b*tch has enough already.
I got my answer 12/2006. I called my XABF one day and he said "Claudia? I don't know any Claudia." I laughed and said "I can think of THREE at least that you know!" I thought he was being cruel, or being funny. Plus I was ANGRY because this man had exited my life without a word and I thought he owed me an explanation. Plus, he had the nerve to introduce the new woman to me on the phone. He put us both in a horrible situation. She wanted to know who I was, and I said "uh, um, an old friend?"
Anyway, I flew down to Miami, rented a car, and confronted him. I was not prepared for what I found. He was filthy, stank, had greasy shoulder-length hair, and basically had "wet brain." He probably DIDN'T remember who I was. It was heartbreaking, and it started a year of trying to get him help. Well, that didn't go well at all.
My point is that what Miss Pink said above is true:
"Addicition robs the person of thier soul....with no soul, there is no emotion. Thats why he was a zombie when you saw him. He isnt there...."He" is pushed way dowwn into the abyss intoa deep dark cramped room of despair."
OMG is this true. When they get so far down, "they" are gone. Even on their way down, they do things that are insane, make no sense to people who aren't brain damaged. We simply cannot judge them on our own terms because they are not living life on our terms. They're in a hell that we can't get them out of - they have to miraculously find their way out.
So Heather and ARL, my heart goes out to you more than you know. Maybe you'll get like me and NOT WANT TO KNOW what R is doing because I'm afraid it will be a horror show by now. Last I heard the rats were taking over his boat and the bilge was filing with sewage. It would kill me to see him living like that.
Don't let them take you down. Please. Alcoholism doesn't need more victims, that evil b*tch has enough already.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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I called my XABF one day and he said "Claudia? I don't know any Claudia."
Wow! Probably in the back of my mind I don't want to hear that....and XABF would be capable of doing it too.
I think that with T-I-M-E I really won't want to know either. XABF will become part of the nostalgia of my life but he will no longer be baggage. I was so relieved to be "free" of him that I really have never addressed that part of who I am was destroyed in that relationship. So maybe the wanting to know at times what he is up to is all part of my own healing. I have not cleared that bit of baggage yet. Possibly a reason why I know I would make poor dating material right now.
Thanks, Claudia.......I know who you are!!!!!!!
ARL
Wow! Probably in the back of my mind I don't want to hear that....and XABF would be capable of doing it too.
I think that with T-I-M-E I really won't want to know either. XABF will become part of the nostalgia of my life but he will no longer be baggage. I was so relieved to be "free" of him that I really have never addressed that part of who I am was destroyed in that relationship. So maybe the wanting to know at times what he is up to is all part of my own healing. I have not cleared that bit of baggage yet. Possibly a reason why I know I would make poor dating material right now.
Thanks, Claudia.......I know who you are!!!!!!!
ARL
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 98
hope floats...
Hbb, you said, "And damn it, i'm angry and feel so deceived. I'll get past this too i'm sure. Tomorrow's a new day!"
Not too easy to think of tomorrow, but I am glad you are so hopefull! Know that I am here in this same confusion and pain as you, as are many others. Also know, as I have learned, that MANY before us have felt this unrelenting hell, too.
I laughed in my brother's face when he told me to start humming Aretha Franklin's song 'I will survive.' Now I am such a cliche that I do it, and it's helping me a little.
Stay strong, Hbb. We WILL survive...because we have chosen to do so...
Thanks everyone, for the great input, as usual. This site is so awesome; I have up days and down days, but coming here makes both kind of days worth every second.
Not too easy to think of tomorrow, but I am glad you are so hopefull! Know that I am here in this same confusion and pain as you, as are many others. Also know, as I have learned, that MANY before us have felt this unrelenting hell, too.
I laughed in my brother's face when he told me to start humming Aretha Franklin's song 'I will survive.' Now I am such a cliche that I do it, and it's helping me a little.
Stay strong, Hbb. We WILL survive...because we have chosen to do so...
Thanks everyone, for the great input, as usual. This site is so awesome; I have up days and down days, but coming here makes both kind of days worth every second.
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(((heather))) :comfort
I'm so sorry you had a bump in your good week. Every time I run into XABF it throws me into a tizzy for a bit. At first it was hard to breathe because of the anxiety I felt, but each time I saw him it got a little better. Like others have said, in time we won't care.
Sometimes I wonder what happened too - how I went from being so close and best friends with someone to having to not have them in my life...and for MY protection! But I also think about what a true best friend is, and in the end, none of my friends would have ever done to me what he did.
Something my counselor reminds me of that might help is that feelings are temporary. Your good times will return and you will feel better - you are working too hard on yourself to not see results
I'm so sorry you had a bump in your good week. Every time I run into XABF it throws me into a tizzy for a bit. At first it was hard to breathe because of the anxiety I felt, but each time I saw him it got a little better. Like others have said, in time we won't care.
Sometimes I wonder what happened too - how I went from being so close and best friends with someone to having to not have them in my life...and for MY protection! But I also think about what a true best friend is, and in the end, none of my friends would have ever done to me what he did.
Something my counselor reminds me of that might help is that feelings are temporary. Your good times will return and you will feel better - you are working too hard on yourself to not see results
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One that is stuck on my brain!! Oh well, today was better and yesterday's feelings didn't last all day. I had a good night with friends and some take out!! He's in my brain less and less. Just have been anticipating the seeing him but i'm alive and still here, made it through. Back to life going on and keeping busy. Just another bump in the road. I've been to 8 straight days of spin class so that's keeping me focussed again. This too shall pass, until the next crappy thing that comes along re him!! Guess i gave him too much credit and thought he would be adult by now but no, still acting like a child.
Getting past the anger is a tough one, and i'm angry, but guess it's all part of the process.
Getting past the anger is a tough one, and i'm angry, but guess it's all part of the process.
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Wouldn't you know I had a dream with the XABF in it last night? The good news is that he looked like Charles Manson ... crazy hair, crazy look in his eyes, zero care for hygiene. If I'm going to dream about him, I'm glad it wasn't one that wasn't in Lalaland.
What was really memorable about the dream was this. When I looked at myself and my arms, I had sores. You know the kind you get when kids get a brushburn on their knees and it gets ooze underneath? Like a yellow-ish look. I looked at myself in the dream and there were two on my forehead like the size of silver dollars, and a couple on my arms. I don't remember R being in the dream before that, but I looked in front of me, there he was dressed but laying on his side in a bed, and he had that angry look that I know only too well. Maybe it's an "I hate women, I'm going to punish one" look, because every woman who's been involved with him sooner or later is going to hear his wrath.
Anyway, I had that sick in my gut feeling in my dream! It was inbetween looking at my skin and then seeing his crazy angry face. Oh man, what a great reminder at a time of year when we all want to remember the good times. In a couple weeks or so he'll be leaving on THE TRIP with the GF to England, the one that our breakup was over. I haven't been dreading it, more afraid that when the time comes I'll feel bad. What a blessing that dream was last night.
And we think our HP doesn't look out for us! The fact that we've been delivered from the bondage of an A's life is proof positive that we're living a miracle.
What was really memorable about the dream was this. When I looked at myself and my arms, I had sores. You know the kind you get when kids get a brushburn on their knees and it gets ooze underneath? Like a yellow-ish look. I looked at myself in the dream and there were two on my forehead like the size of silver dollars, and a couple on my arms. I don't remember R being in the dream before that, but I looked in front of me, there he was dressed but laying on his side in a bed, and he had that angry look that I know only too well. Maybe it's an "I hate women, I'm going to punish one" look, because every woman who's been involved with him sooner or later is going to hear his wrath.
Anyway, I had that sick in my gut feeling in my dream! It was inbetween looking at my skin and then seeing his crazy angry face. Oh man, what a great reminder at a time of year when we all want to remember the good times. In a couple weeks or so he'll be leaving on THE TRIP with the GF to England, the one that our breakup was over. I haven't been dreading it, more afraid that when the time comes I'll feel bad. What a blessing that dream was last night.
And we think our HP doesn't look out for us! The fact that we've been delivered from the bondage of an A's life is proof positive that we're living a miracle.
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Oh i know i dream about him too, never did when we were together but now i do!! Ya know, i'm starting to really let go i think. My mind is more pre-occupied the past couple of weeks. I'm telling myself everyday that it's his loss, it's his stuff to deal with (or not). I did the best i could and was the best i could to him and if he can appreciate that than there's really not much more i can do. I think i'm tired of being tired and looking out for myself. I wish him luck in his life but can't be dragged anymore regarding him with my own emotions. He's sucked too much out of me (without even being around) and i'm feeling such a waste of time and energy. Trying to keep the focus on me and my stuff. I think eventually something will happen and we will have contact but i'm going to pretend like that may never happen.
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Heather, it comes and goes in waves. But the good waves get so much longer, and the painful waves just don't last as long. Or hurt as much. At first, a bad wave would have made me sick, throw me into an emotional upheaval that made me think I was losing my sanity. Now every time I hear of something going on with R, I question HIS sanity.
Both our Xs had their chance and they completely blew it. Let them settle with women who have zero self-esteem, or opportunists. Sure our self-esteem was battered, but we're tough and clawing our way out of the hole.
Both our Xs had their chance and they completely blew it. Let them settle with women who have zero self-esteem, or opportunists. Sure our self-esteem was battered, but we're tough and clawing our way out of the hole.
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"Sometimes I wonder what happened too - how I went from being so close and best friends with someone to having to not have them in my life...and for MY protection! But I also think about what a true best friend is, and in the end, none of my friends would have ever done to me what he did."
I saw my exabf today just driving down the road. I could not believe how much it upset me. I have been doing good since he disappeared out of my life 2 months ago and moving on. It is good to know that some of you have had the same feelings that I have had or am having. I know it will pass and time will heal my heart totally.
I don't miss the turmoil of our relationship and I am truly happier now. It is just hard for me to understand why I still care about someone that treated me the way he did.
I saw my exabf today just driving down the road. I could not believe how much it upset me. I have been doing good since he disappeared out of my life 2 months ago and moving on. It is good to know that some of you have had the same feelings that I have had or am having. I know it will pass and time will heal my heart totally.
I don't miss the turmoil of our relationship and I am truly happier now. It is just hard for me to understand why I still care about someone that treated me the way he did.
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(((Karen))) sorry your going through the same thing too and welcome to Sr. It's amazing that we know it's wrong and we shouldn't be with or care about them but its impossible to walk away and never look back. To boot, my exabf is now staying daily at his exgf's that he got back with and they are just around the corner. I know why, he has not heat which is pathetic in itself that he's an adult and cant tell the landlord, but i know, not my problem anymore.
I was upset last night because like we said, how can someone you loved and loved you back so much treat you so badly? I wouldn't be able to go on knowing how i treated someone like that. It's one thing to leave, break-up if he didn't want to be together, that's fine, but to throw in the rest of the hurtful, deceiving junk along with it is where i have trouble.
I know someday (hopefully soon) i'll look back and thank God he did me this favor and i truly feel i'm ALMOST right there (my therapist agreed) but just need a kick in the butt to get over that last hurdle. I wish i was as strong as some here and could just see that i deserve better but it's still tough.
I was upset last night because like we said, how can someone you loved and loved you back so much treat you so badly? I wouldn't be able to go on knowing how i treated someone like that. It's one thing to leave, break-up if he didn't want to be together, that's fine, but to throw in the rest of the hurtful, deceiving junk along with it is where i have trouble.
I know someday (hopefully soon) i'll look back and thank God he did me this favor and i truly feel i'm ALMOST right there (my therapist agreed) but just need a kick in the butt to get over that last hurdle. I wish i was as strong as some here and could just see that i deserve better but it's still tough.
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That was delicate 
i agree i've not only given TOO much credit in that aspect, i've given WAY TOO much credit in every aspect. I've believed all is lies along the way, who knows what else! I know, i know, just needed to come here and get it out! Hey, Anvil, send me a nice guy from out your way of the 300,000,000 you mentioned out there!!! 
i agree i've not only given TOO much credit in that aspect, i've given WAY TOO much credit in every aspect. I've believed all is lies along the way, who knows what else! I know, i know, just needed to come here and get it out! Hey, Anvil, send me a nice guy from out your way of the 300,000,000 you mentioned out there!!! Live, Laugh, Love
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Yes, 4 is probably the correct number of them, Astro being one of them of course lol!! Hey, question, when you wrote about a switch from love one person to hunting an old flame, i don't think he even knows the defintion of love, would you agree?? I think it's a comfort, go back to what you know old shoe kinda fit. Ya think? That's my perception of that kind of "love"!
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Awww i love you, you made my day and some days i snobbishly feel that way too!!!!! I know deep down he couldn't live upto the normalcy i want in life.
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Originally Posted by hbb 
Yes, 4 is probably the correct number of them, Astro being one of them of course lol!!
:ghug2
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Originally Posted by Astro
Uh uh not me I'm still a sick whacko alcoholic thank you very much!
:ghug2
:ghug2
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The truth in my life is that many good men came into it. I CHOSE AH and when he treated me poorly, I CHOSE to stay.
He is not a loser, he is who he is, a flawed human being. I am the same. We don't belong together.
I hope I have learned enough to recognize the good men who are in my life now, as well as the ones to come, and understand I am worthy of their love and respect.
He is not a loser, he is who he is, a flawed human being. I am the same. We don't belong together.
I hope I have learned enough to recognize the good men who are in my life now, as well as the ones to come, and understand I am worthy of their love and respect.
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Originally Posted by denny57
The truth in my life is that many good men came into it. I CHOSE AH and when he treated me poorly, I CHOSE to stay.
He is not a loser, he is who he is, a flawed human being. I am the same. We don't belong together.
I hope I have learned enough to recognize the good men who are in my life now, as well as the ones to come, and understand I am worthy of their love and respect.
He is not a loser, he is who he is, a flawed human being. I am the same. We don't belong together.
I hope I have learned enough to recognize the good men who are in my life now, as well as the ones to come, and understand I am worthy of their love and respect.
Been thinking about this a lot lately. My ex has decided that he is the victim, and I am the villian (absolutely a death-defying spin into unreality.) I'm not frustrated because I think that there is necessarily a Truth that needs to be acknowledged, or because I am afraid of looking bad, or because I care much what he thinks. I'm frustrated because it makes it so crystal-clear that he isn't interested in changing. I mean, if the problem is me, how and why should he change?
The same goes for me. It would be easy to consider myself a victim, but it would ultimately get me nowhere near where I want to be.
ps- I know I called my ex a loser on another thread today. I justified it in my mind by thinking about the article that was stickied, "how to know if you are dating a loser," but in retrospect that wasn't very nice.
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