expat

Hello,

I need to put a few words down somewhere. Why not here?

I am at war with alcohol. I'm a highly functioning drunk, but I'm drunk everyday. I have to stop drinking or I will destroy everything I have in my life. I've severly jeapordized my health and my future opportunities in order to carve out a space where I can get flat-out stumbing drunk every night. I love to be drunk.

I've been to AA. It's a great program, but I feel like a loser crawling back there after a "slip." The idea of attending meetings regularly for the rest of my life is also unappealing. I made it 7 days this summer thanks to AA.

I don't want to drink anymore, ever. If I could take a pill that made it impossible for me to drink forever, I'd take it. Here's the rub though, the guy who is writing this is not the same guy who takes the drink. Somehow, like a thief in the night, my thinking changes prior to that first drink and *it makes sense* to take that drink. It's a subtle transition from smart and sober to dumb and drunk.

I'm going to try to keep posting here. Today is day 1. I'd like to make it 30 before walking back into AA. Somebody root for me. I have a lot to live for.

If you're in AA, I'd like to offer one piece of unsolicited advice: don't walk up to people and second guess if they are alcoholics. I'm a textbook alcoholic, but because I am younger and dress half decently, I went through that several times. It's very discouraging.

ANGELINA243

I'm sorry you had a "discouraging" AA experience. You are right--each person can only declare himself as an alcoholic. But in spite of that experience, I hope that you will go back to AA sooner rather than later (since you did say that it was working for you at the time). Alcoholism is progressive--deadly progressive--some at a much faster rate than others. 30 days is a long time to wait--in the meantime, please stick around here & keep posting. There are many people here who do care about you and are willing to help. :praising

RDKA

I can relate to part of that in that I'm a functional alcoholic as well, I'm pretty much drunk everyday too, frequent blackouts...I'm on day 5 sober, and will be going to AA so thanks for the advice:rofl

ANGELINA243

Congrats on 5 days RDKA! :*****

expat

I've spilled more than you ever drank. I love that line.

kelsh

Hi expat,

One of my constant reinforcers for continuing my drinking longer than I should have was because I still had my home, I had a job, I kept the kids neat & clean, I kept a clean home, I never missed work because of drinking, I never got stopped by the cops, I kept all the bills paid, & I had lots of food in the house, & I could still afford my alcohol, cigarettes, and gas in the car. I felt so good about myself or did I?

It got to where I thought I was going insane even though I was doing all of the above. I had severe depression but pushed myself with a mask on my face daring anyone to say anything about how much I drank.

I got to the point that alcohol was a poison to me...my face was a bright red and I smelled of alcohol from the night before the next morning to where people accused me of drinking before I came to work, which I never had done.

I finally made the decision to get help and started going to AA. I had been drinking until drunk every night for four years after my divorce.

I had a counselor at the County Alcohol Program and a Counselor at Mental Health for my Depression. I was detoxed in the local hospital for six days and went to my first AA Meeting that night. I attended AA every day for one year. My second year of sobriety, I could think somewhat clearer.

I went back to college, got a BA Degree in Psychology, continued with my AA meetings three times a week, worked half time, and had one daughter at home that was twelve years old, went to my counseling for my depression and a support group for women alcoholics at the alcohol program.

Then my "Promises" started coming true. I got a job at the County Mental Health as a Mental Health Tech. & after two years work experience got promoted to a Geriatric Mental Health Counselor to help the Elderly in the community, that still lived in their homes, with grief, depression, alcohol issues, and behavior problems related to illness. I had already worked ten years with the Elderly in different capacities and this was my favorite population of people to help.

Please keep coming back...you & your suit & tie will be very much appreciated...just bring YOU and your mind will follow. Keep posting, reading, saying HI!

kelsh

That is the short story...lots more between the lines but I am still in recovery with 19 years of sobriety and kids & a husband that still love me, and continue with treatment for my depression. I am retired & enjoy my life and can actually look at myself in the mirror and like myself. It has been worth every three steps forward and two backwards. I have lots of self-esteem but not too much...have to leave my ego in the closet. I treasure my AA friends and all people these days that try to better their life in all ways possible for them.

expat

Thanks for the post. It's very interesting, and a very similar situation. I'm on day 6 and the urge to drink is stronger the last two days, but I don't think that I will give in today. It's been too nice being sober.

I've been exercising everyday, and I'm back in AA. I never went to jail, never lost a job, never went homeless. My life got materially better while I was drinking the last 8 years, but I drank everyday to the point of not recalling what I did the night before.

I'm done. Thanks. Hitting bottom is not losing everything. I am greatful that I've made it a week. I'm greatful that I realize I'm a drunk before I lose everything.

Pilgrim

Hi expat,

I am grateful too. It's good to have you here.

norcalman

Hi Expat...

I can fully relate. "Functionality" has its disguises and pitfalls.

I'm a Silicon Valley veteran who has managed to do well, two great kids now finishing up college.... but I'm flunking out.

I'm looking to forward to posting more, moving on and way connected to your and the knowledgeable follow-up SR posts.

Good luck on your continued success(s).

Anodyne

Expat -
I have to say I know how you feel about feeling like a looser slinking back
after a slip.

I've slipped once now, just very recently, since I started seriously
attending AA and rehab (they were right, too, the first step in my 'slip' was
that I hadn't hit a meeting in about a week). I freel pretty ashamed and
dumb, but I am going back, tonight or tomorrow, and going often.

I spent a long time in the same kinda boat as you seem to be, drinking every day, almost without fail, and going even three days without drinking was a victory for me.

I hate that sneaky theif in the night *shakes fist*
Steals your mind, or tries his best.
I made it longer sober than I'd been in a decade, and I believe it was because
of group and AA, and I would be scared to try and get 30 days sober
before going back - because I don't think I would be able to.

I'm sorry if you've had bad experiances, maybe look into a different home group?

Either way, I'll be rooting for you.

Anodyne

One of my counselors says, "one of the only good things about alcoholism
is that we can choose our bottom. We -can- say ' this is it, I am choosing not to let this get any worse than it has right at this moment.' "

I like that saying...and I'm glad to see you are going to AA.

(sorry, I didn't read both posts before I replied).

Anna

Hi Expat,

I know what you mean when you talk about the two different people within you. That's how I was. I felt like I would become a different person when I wanted to drink and I would forget all about the person who had a great life and wanted desperately to save herself. That's what addiction does to us.

I know you can do this and I hope you stick around SR and keep reading and posting. It always inspires me to come here.

Stormtooth

I spent many years in the category being functional--except people tolerated my smelling like alcohol, being hung over, and those days when i didn't function as well.

I estimate i drank myself to sleep every night for nearly 25 years. I can not begin to count the friendships I have ruined, the budding romances that got kiboshed, and my lack of interest in people when i just wanted to go home and drink.

I once gave a now famous soliliquoy in the Garden Lounge of Moscow, Idaho, by standing on a chair and ranting about why " A Can of beer is better than a Chick".

Make no mistake: everyone knows about the condition you believe you are concealing. You will perform better and feel better when you are sober. This will progress into something worse than you can imagine if you do not act now.

Remember as long as the desire to quit remains within you, as long as you are breathing, there is still a chance.

expat

The advice that I have gotten here has been really helpful. Thanks to all of you for your posts and reaching out.

I am on day 7. That is the longest I have been sober continuously in 11 or 12 years, maybe more. I'm feeling strong, but need to be on guard. I don't think that I will drink again. I feel too good. It's like I was walking up a see-saw for a long time and I just past the fulcrum. The momentum feels to as though it has shifted. I know it's better to think in terms of 24 hours, but I can't help, but think that way. I've setup a meeting with a guy next week who might be a candidate to be a sponsor. I'm happy about that - he's an ex-hardcore drinker who has really pulled things together.

Thanks for the last comment along the lines that everyone knew that I was drinking. Funny, after years, I expect them to sort of treat me as though I had never had a drink... oh well. It's great to be sober. I have to keep going.

Thanks!

expat

Silicon Valley, yikes. Jez, I'm in software. I actually love it, but it's extremely draining. I mean, end of day, I *DESERVE* to get drunk, in my thinking. I've dumped everything into my work. Of course, in the last years, that has not been the case, but I like to think so.

The killer with technology is that it constantly changes and sucks the life out of many people, if you let it. Some are innately suited for it; they are programmed to produce. Others (like myself) have to work at it.

Anyway, just rambling, but I know you can find your way to recovery.

California is rough on alcoholics, I understand. Michael Caine (who drinks heavily, I gather) once said that everyone in the room can be doing lines of coke, but if you drink a 1/2 bottle of wine, everyone wispers behind your back that you are a hopeless alcoholic. That stuck with me.