One Big VENT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I've been really fortunate that program, extended sober time and maturing has really moved my daughter off the pity pot...I used to get sucked into all the time...trying to make her feel better, hurting because she was in a foul mood, etc.
In the days where both kids were into the victim role, a counselor at a family program I went to who specializes in codependency spoke about two different types of personalities. I forget what she called them specifically, but basically there were the ones who tended towards quiet or suffering in silence, and the ones whose emotions were...well sort of big...everything is huge...dramatic...very centered on them. She said sometimes all those folks need is to be heard and what we as codies tend to do instead is try to make it better. Her point was that a simple acknowledgement such as "wow, that must be difficult" is all that is needed.
I found this to be really effective with my kids...It took lots of practice since I always wanted to give advice and suggestions...Practicing it made me realize how often I gave unsolicited advice. Now it feels rather empowering to think in those terms throughout my life...to hear and acknowledge that I heard, but not attempt to fix. To give my opinion once and only once and only when it is solicited.
I know you aren't trying to fix this Moose and I sure can relate to how draining it is to hear the whining. Your post brought me back to that place...yuck...I agree it grates on my last nerve. Sending prayers that he is willing to let his HP guide him to these great opportunities, and prayers that you soon will have a peaceful and positive communication with your son.
In the days where both kids were into the victim role, a counselor at a family program I went to who specializes in codependency spoke about two different types of personalities. I forget what she called them specifically, but basically there were the ones who tended towards quiet or suffering in silence, and the ones whose emotions were...well sort of big...everything is huge...dramatic...very centered on them. She said sometimes all those folks need is to be heard and what we as codies tend to do instead is try to make it better. Her point was that a simple acknowledgement such as "wow, that must be difficult" is all that is needed.
I found this to be really effective with my kids...It took lots of practice since I always wanted to give advice and suggestions...Practicing it made me realize how often I gave unsolicited advice. Now it feels rather empowering to think in those terms throughout my life...to hear and acknowledge that I heard, but not attempt to fix. To give my opinion once and only once and only when it is solicited.
I know you aren't trying to fix this Moose and I sure can relate to how draining it is to hear the whining. Your post brought me back to that place...yuck...I agree it grates on my last nerve. Sending prayers that he is willing to let his HP guide him to these great opportunities, and prayers that you soon will have a peaceful and positive communication with your son.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
You guys always pull through...
He's been calling everyday, so today, I am armed for battle and ready for him tonight.
Here I am trying to instill some God, and guidnace in his life, and heaven only knows that's not working....
SOooo...tonight...
I'm going to tell him he has to say 2 good for every 1 negative...
(I'm going to start out slow, and move my way up...no sense in trying shock therapy, that never worked before....)
I do have to say he was REALLY appreciative of my running all over Gods green earth to get his ID stuff together, AND he has said how beautiful it is out there......but the rest...the WORKING part...he NO like....LOL
Yep, you all gave me a whole list of good stuff...thanks...
My younger son, age 29, he's NOT a complainer, and he's a joy to talk with....(TYHP)
He's been calling everyday, so today, I am armed for battle and ready for him tonight.
Here I am trying to instill some God, and guidnace in his life, and heaven only knows that's not working....
SOooo...tonight...
I'm going to tell him he has to say 2 good for every 1 negative...
(I'm going to start out slow, and move my way up...no sense in trying shock therapy, that never worked before....)
I do have to say he was REALLY appreciative of my running all over Gods green earth to get his ID stuff together, AND he has said how beautiful it is out there......but the rest...the WORKING part...he NO like....LOL
Yep, you all gave me a whole list of good stuff...thanks...
My younger son, age 29, he's NOT a complainer, and he's a joy to talk with....(TYHP)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Faith~Hope~Love
Posts: 963
(((moose)))
My late son was the complainer and for the longest time, I listened to his whining and would try to soothe, solve, and just about worry myself sick over his problems. Then one day, I heard MG's wise words ... "I am not your trashcan". That was a lightbulb moment for me and I slowly started changing the direction of our conversations, deflecting it back to him, or changing the subject. I think it really helped the tone of our relationship.
I'm glad your son is appreciative of his mama and he sure gets points from me on that score. Hoping and praying he settles in and decides to stick it out until something better comes along. These kids of ours are so darn picky, aren't they?
big hugs to you ~
deedee
My late son was the complainer and for the longest time, I listened to his whining and would try to soothe, solve, and just about worry myself sick over his problems. Then one day, I heard MG's wise words ... "I am not your trashcan". That was a lightbulb moment for me and I slowly started changing the direction of our conversations, deflecting it back to him, or changing the subject. I think it really helped the tone of our relationship.
I'm glad your son is appreciative of his mama and he sure gets points from me on that score. Hoping and praying he settles in and decides to stick it out until something better comes along. These kids of ours are so darn picky, aren't they?
big hugs to you ~
deedee
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Addicted Children
Hi Everyone,
This thread has been interesting and made me begin to think in a little different way about all five of my children...I have two sons that are 49 & 47; a daughter 44; a son 38; & a daughter 30; Only one son...that is 38 is the one that made up huge stories about what he got and had at his Dads when he went for his summer visits. He is the only one that complains, thinks the government owes him everything, & expects something for nothing...which he gets plenty of now.
He is the one that is alcoholic & has depression & tried suicide & failed so is a quadraplegic now. I do not know where all of his traits came from because his Dad and I do not act like he does...other than I am a alcoholic in recovery and do have depression that I get treated for.
He did give the government four years in the Navy so now gets a pension and all of his medical expenses taken care of by the VA. But he still tries to think of ways to get something for nothing. He has to pay for his caregivers but figured out a way to put $200 a month for each of his sons in a savings account & this four hundred dollars is deducted from his total monthly caregiver bill. Then he won't let his ex-wife use this money for his teenage sons to buy clothing & such...they each get $150 a month from their Dad's Social Security but that isn't enough in this day and age to feed, clothe, pay school fees, and provide a roof over their head a month.
If my son would try to use this money himself...he would be in trouble because if the boys don't use it, it should go for the caregiviers. The caregivers get their pay regardless but the company gets less over all from the government.
I have a hard time understanding his thinking and just try not to discuss it with him. If I ask him a question, he'll say, "I don't want to talk about it now."
The other kids have ups and downs but never ask for money or much of anything...just call to talk. All of my kids have very distinct personalities for being raised in the same family.
One son works in a Gold Mine in Alaska; the next son works in a deli in a supermarket; the daughter in Seattle is a lawyer...worked and took loans to get through college; then the son that went in the Navy from highschool, and the daughter that works at a mountain resort + is disabled some so gets social security from her father who is deceased & is married.
My husband was injured in a logging accident so had a leg amputated & was put through four years of college by the state & he chose to become a social worker. I was a practicle nurse & worked part time while raising the kids...then went back to college when I was 48 & got my BA Degree in psychology and worked at the county mental health. I did put myself through college the two years and used a grant and did not have to borrow any money.
So that is the workings of my family. Different...but everyone one of them are unconditionally loved and know that.
kelsh
This thread has been interesting and made me begin to think in a little different way about all five of my children...I have two sons that are 49 & 47; a daughter 44; a son 38; & a daughter 30; Only one son...that is 38 is the one that made up huge stories about what he got and had at his Dads when he went for his summer visits. He is the only one that complains, thinks the government owes him everything, & expects something for nothing...which he gets plenty of now.
He is the one that is alcoholic & has depression & tried suicide & failed so is a quadraplegic now. I do not know where all of his traits came from because his Dad and I do not act like he does...other than I am a alcoholic in recovery and do have depression that I get treated for.
He did give the government four years in the Navy so now gets a pension and all of his medical expenses taken care of by the VA. But he still tries to think of ways to get something for nothing. He has to pay for his caregivers but figured out a way to put $200 a month for each of his sons in a savings account & this four hundred dollars is deducted from his total monthly caregiver bill. Then he won't let his ex-wife use this money for his teenage sons to buy clothing & such...they each get $150 a month from their Dad's Social Security but that isn't enough in this day and age to feed, clothe, pay school fees, and provide a roof over their head a month.
If my son would try to use this money himself...he would be in trouble because if the boys don't use it, it should go for the caregiviers. The caregivers get their pay regardless but the company gets less over all from the government.
I have a hard time understanding his thinking and just try not to discuss it with him. If I ask him a question, he'll say, "I don't want to talk about it now."
The other kids have ups and downs but never ask for money or much of anything...just call to talk. All of my kids have very distinct personalities for being raised in the same family.
One son works in a Gold Mine in Alaska; the next son works in a deli in a supermarket; the daughter in Seattle is a lawyer...worked and took loans to get through college; then the son that went in the Navy from highschool, and the daughter that works at a mountain resort + is disabled some so gets social security from her father who is deceased & is married.
My husband was injured in a logging accident so had a leg amputated & was put through four years of college by the state & he chose to become a social worker. I was a practicle nurse & worked part time while raising the kids...then went back to college when I was 48 & got my BA Degree in psychology and worked at the county mental health. I did put myself through college the two years and used a grant and did not have to borrow any money.
So that is the workings of my family. Different...but everyone one of them are unconditionally loved and know that.
kelsh
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
When I spoke to my son yesterday, and he was complaining about the job, and the small amount they are paying him, I said, you do an honest days work, and you get paid for it. You'll eventually work your way up....
When I was working, what I saw in the last few years, was a lack of work ethic.
I always worked, rarely called off, and the hospital sure got their moneys worth out of me. I'm proud to say, I worked hard for the money...(isn't that a song? ha ha)
Nope, lots of younger people today do not put in the same effort.
Alot do, but alot don't.
When I was working, what I saw in the last few years, was a lack of work ethic.
I always worked, rarely called off, and the hospital sure got their moneys worth out of me. I'm proud to say, I worked hard for the money...(isn't that a song? ha ha)
Nope, lots of younger people today do not put in the same effort.
Alot do, but alot don't.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
Hey Lobo,
Gonna use this if ya don't mind. Too funny.
Hugs,
I know it is getting hard to listen to all of the complaining. Maybe you should just say, "gee, it sucks to be you, son." Try it and she what he says.
Hugs,
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
He called this evening...
In a great mood, it was RAINING all day, so they had to quit early...
They've been working 10 or more hours a day.
AND he found out he has Sunday off...
so he was in a great mood, in fact...
NO NEGATIVES were even uttered!
In a great mood, it was RAINING all day, so they had to quit early...
They've been working 10 or more hours a day.
AND he found out he has Sunday off...
so he was in a great mood, in fact...
NO NEGATIVES were even uttered!
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