tata

Almost 2 years ago, I left AxSO (addict/alcoholic ex significant other) for a better life. He had gotten violently drunk and a fight ensued. He destroyed our home. All of this occurred in front of our DD (darling daughter) who was 7 at the time and is now 9. The cops were called, etc. I got out that night and never looked back.

Since then, I married a wonderful man, had a new baby boy and moved far away from AxSO. At first, DD spent 3 weekends per month with AxSO. He moved back in with his mom and it was mostly she who took care of DD during these visits. When we moved away, their visits - for obvious reasons - became pretty whacky. She spent the holidays with him last year (about 16 days). She spent the summer with him, as well (10 weeks). She just returned from a week there for Thanksgiving.

So, AxSO went to jail on her last night there with him during her visit. He basically ignored her the entire time she was there to get and stay wasted. When DD's uncle, AxSO's BIL (brother in law) confronted him about it and told him that DD cried herself to sleep, missing her last night with dad, AxSO flipped out and started punching BIL. It was 2 years ago all over again, and all in front of DD again.

DD made it home safely, thank goodness. But now, I'm left with a huge mess to clean up. I feel like I ought to be better prepared for this, since I am an ACOA. She's already asking when she can return to visit her dad, why can't he and I still be together, why did this have to happen, why can't her daddy just stop drinking, if he stays in jail that would be good since people can't drink in jail and so on and so on.

So I did a bit of digging to find out that AxSO has racked himself a pretty long rap sheet in the time since we separated. He's facing two 3rd-degree felonies, 1 first-degree felony and a heap of misdemeanors. He's assaulted police officers and been caught drunk driving 3 times - all of which resulted in car wrecks. NO ONE in his family told me any of this.

And tonight, DD tells me that her Nana (AxSO's mom) told her that her daddy's life has fallen into ruin since we left him. WTH, lady?! What would make someone say something like this to a CHILD?

I'm at a total loss. I keep telling her that none of this is her fault. I tell her that her daddy loves her. I've looked up the local Alanon groups and am still trying to find one that would work with our schedule, since my baby is still young and my DH (darling husband) works nights. There don't seem to be many in my area that caters specifically to young children. DD is in counseling, as well, since she started showing symptoms of OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) while at her dad's over the summer. She was officially diagnosed about 2 weeks ago and has been receiving therapy for roughly 2 months.

I would sincerely appreciate any suggestions, links or whatnot on how to help my daughter cope with her addict/alcoholic father.

FormerDoormat

Knowing all that you know now, do you think it's safe for your daughter to continue visitation with her father? Perhaps it's time to revise your custody agreement. I am not familiar with any AA-type program that caters to very young children. My advice to you is to learn as much as you can about alcoholism so that you can be better prepared to ensure your daughter lives in a healthy and safe environment at all times and to help your daughter cope with her father's addiction.

tata

My daughter will absolutely not be making any more trips to visit her dad or his family.

Barbara52

I'm so sorry your daughter had to witness any of this and that her grandmother decided to use her as a pawn. What a shame.

I strongly suggest individual therapy for your daughter. She has a lot to deal with and needs the help of an uninvolved professional to deal with her emotions and thoughts so that she can have a chance of growing up without too much baggage.

CBrown

I divorced my husband when my daughter was about 8. He just decided he wanted to start a new life that didn't include the two of us. So be it. I got through it, but my daughter took a direct hit. I can't understand how a person can just up and leave a son or daughter and not look back. It changed her. I can only imagine how much worse it is for your daughter, dealing with the substance problems, too.

I will say in retrospect, I wish I had gotten her counseling. I think it would have helped her work through her feelings and move on. She may never understand why he did what he did, but maybe she would forgive and be able to move on and not have the baggage.

Just my 2 cents.

LaTeeDa

Trying to help a child understand something we don't really understand ourselves is difficult, if not impossible. You are doing the right things. Getting her into therapy, letting her know it is not her fault, etc. Keep doing those things. It takes time. I told my children that their dad loved them, but he was too sick to be the kind of father they wanted him to be. It's been two years and they are still dealing with the fallout even though he has since gotten sober and straightened out his life. Best wishes to you and her.

L

Pick-a-name

Sorry you and your daughter are having these problems.

Sounds like the steps you are taking are very helpful and it will now be a process. Perhaps your D!D's therapist will be able to help direct you to an Alateen group or other local resources.

Glad you are here..hope you stick around here with us! It helps me so much.

p.s. My children are young adults and still have trouble with these feelings....but then again, so do I! Like LTD said, knowing (and coming to believe) that they are not responsible and that he is ill can help alot. It still is a very sad thing;no way around that.

Rella927

Healing thoughts to you and your Daughter!

Please stick around here at SR! You are not alone!

Therapy would be a great place to start and or Al-Ateen as others suggested.

It took me many years to come to realize that what I was doing to myself-was not my fault. Please educate yourself and your daughter and let her know she is not to blame for any of this!

to you!