lovemyhusband

My husband has been the "party'er" long before I met him. Over the last few years, his drinking has been growing much more common. I am getting worried that this may be a problem and am wondering if I haven't been rather nieve in coming to this conclusion. At least 5 nights a week he will easily down a 6 pack, but those are his light days. The other night as I was cleaning up his cans, I realized that he drank an entire 12 pack by himself. He never gets abusive, never yells, or even gets upset. Rather, he becomes quite upbeat and cheerful. Many times I do not even stop to think that he is relishing a buzz because he shows very few signs of it. This sounds so nieve, but I never thought anythng of his drinking until that night that I counted the 12 cans. Since then I have been paying more attention and realized that he is coming home with an 18 pack almost every other night. Our garbage man last week had even commented saying "it must have been a rough week!" after dumping our recycle bin. We are such loving parents of our two young children and he is such a wonderful father to them, but I hate that they witness his drinking. I am normally quite passive about sensitive issues. I hate to be the "bossy wife" so it is very difficult for me to bring this up. There are days that he goes without drinking and for the most part, he seems to be fine, which is why I can question whether there is a problem or not. He can stop when he wants to. If the two of us go out, he will avoid alcohol and let me drink my glass of wine so that he can drive home. He is always a responsible drinker and refuses to drive after drinking. There have been times in the past,however, that he does not remember who brought him home or who he was with which of course caused some real marriage issues. Since then he rarely goes out, but does his drinking at home. Part of me thinks that there is a problem, but then another part of me is thinking that he is just a guy who likes his beer and that I am just causing stress on myself for no reason. Can someone drink this much "controllably" and still be okay? Obviously, I know nothing about this. Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

CatsPajamas

Hello and welcome to SR.

You're certainly among friends who understand. You might want to take some time and read the stickies at the top of the forums. We have one for Friends and Family of Alcoholics, another for Friends and Family of Substance Abusers. You'll read many stories that are similar to yours. Many of us have found help by reading a book by Melodie Beatty called Co-Dependendent No More.

We talk about the 3 C's - you didnt Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. What you can do is learn to take care of yourself, and to detach with love from your AH (alcoholic husband)

Again, welcome to SR.

Hugs

Cats

Done_With_It

I just wanted to say Hi and welcome to SR! Others will be around soon to answer your post..

greeteachday

Hi Welcome, I'm so sorry about the pain and concern you are feeling because of your husband's drinking. Unfortunately although you can share your concern with him, unless he wants to change, nothing will change...in fact it will probably progress. But you can take care of you...focus on establishing healthy boundaries and on letting him be responsible for his own consequences.


As Cat suggested, come on over to the Friends and Family forums...there are lots of people there who have been or are where you are and who understand.

FormerDoormat

When I first joined this forum, I remember reading a post that was similar to yours. The poster questioned whether 12 beers a day was too much. I was reading the post out loud to my daughter and her response was:

"Is 12 pieces of cake too much? How about 12 glasses of soda? Twelve slices of pizza? Or even 12 glasses of water? Is that too much?"

When you look at it that way, the answer is easy. Twelve of anything is too much. Twelve beers is much more than casual drinking; it's evidence that a drinking problem probably exists.

Even if your husband doesn't think he has a drinking problem, the fact that you've joined this forum tells me that you have a problem with his drinking. When somebody else's drinking is causing you a problem, Alanon is the answer.

Welcome to the forum.

lovemyhusband

Thank you for your reply. It is so strange to see this as a problem as I never even considered his drinking as an issue of conceren until just recently. Even then, I still doubted it as something that needed attemtion. It is so confusing when he seems completely okay when he doesn't drink. But as I think about it more I realize that he doesn't seem himself unless he does drink. l feel guilty for saying it but sometimes I prefer his attitude when he drinks as he seems more happy and more understanding about things. I wish I would of seen this as a problem sooner. I never expected this to somone I love, and of course never imagined my life involved is such an ordeal. Thanks for listening and for your helpful reply.

CarolD

Welcome....

I found Al anon immensley helpful when I was dealing
with my 2 childrens addictions.

You might consider going to meetings in your area.
Do try 6 or so ..if you decide to check it out.

Blessings

Carrie

lovemyhusband, just curious if you have brought this up to him? Have you tried talking to him about his drinking? My husband used to drink a LOT. I really felt he was an alcoholic. He could easily drink half a bottle of vodka sitting at his desk working at night after a long day at the office. He would pass out and not make it to bed at least a couple of nights per week. I hated it. I told him how much it bothered me. Once I became pregnant I told him I didn't want him drinking around the baby. To my amazement, he just stopped drinking. I have always been amazed at the total 180. I will never understand it. I will never understand how he could do this without any real physical discomfort or mental cravings, but he did somehow. It's almost a miracle to me to which I am grateful. The thing is he was never an abusive or loud drunk. He was a silly drunk which I found to be annoying. It would get on my nerves and I HATED the smell of alcohol (and yes, contrary to popular belief, some people really can smell vodka on a person drinking it.) Anyway why not at first just try speaking to him to see if that has any effect on him? You never know until you try. I would come to him out of love and concern. He just may surprise you and tell you he didn't even realize how much he's been drinking and didn't realize it is bothering you and just stop like my hubby did. Good luck.

lovemyhusband

Thank you so much for your reply. My husband's drinking sounds very similar to what your husband's pattern was. He also falls asleep many nights on the couch and until reading your reply, I just asumed he was tired. I am crying as I am writing this as there had been so many signs in the last few years and I have been embarrassingly blind to them. Two years ago my husband even told me that he needed help to stop drinking. At the time he had just cheated on me so I thought he was trying to make excuses and trying to divert attention from the "real" issue. Turns out his drinking was the real issue! I never knew what "too much" or excessive drinking was. I just took his drinking as a part of him and never in a million years would I have thought it would come to this. So cliche, but I never would have expected this to happen to me or someone I love. Of course, mostly, I worry about the children! Luckily they are young and his drinking hasn't made too much of an impression on them yet. I just do not know how to confront him about it. Things have been quite rocky this last week with the holiday and all, as holidays usually are. I fear I will push him away. Usually we open the lines of communication with a joke and a smile but this is obviously no laughing matter. I do not know any other way to initiate a conversation. And of course I do not want to sound accusing. Any suggestions? Thank you fot your reply. It is so nice to hear from someone who has gone throught a similar experience. I finally do not feel so alone.

CBrown

Welcome!

I've learned ... TRUST YOUR INTUITION. If your intuition is whispering "he's drinking an awful lot" it's going to do it more and more loudly. Then you're going to notice more things. I did for ten years with my friend/on-off BF. I lived several states away, so he was pretty good at hiding what others knew - that he was a sinking alcoholic. But there were signs that I should have noticed. The first year I knew him he was a funny, vibrant, successful political figure who was able to hold down a successful job. Yet on the side he cheated on his GF (who I didn't know existed), and drank at night until he passed out. Fast forward to 2006, and you find a person living in the Florida Keys on a stinking houseboat, in a nasty marina, and even half the marina residents think he's disgusting. His bruised legs look like an elephant's, he staggers around, he has alcohol dementia and one of these days he just won't wake up.

It's a sickening, progressive disease. You're probably thinking "it's not so bad now," overlooking things, making adjustments and turning a blind eye (not you, I'm actually telling you what I did). Trust me, it won't stay like this, it will get worse. The funny, charming, full of life guy I knew is gone, and it's replaced by the most pathetic shell of a man I have personally ever known. And it breaks my heart. But not enough to ruin my life as his ship sinks.

Thentram

Hi lovemyhusband,

I just wanted to bring the perspective of someone that was in a position similar to your husband's. My drinking progressed to the point where I was drinking on a nightly basis after work at home. Some mornings I would wake up and not remember conversations from the night before or how I got upstairs into bed. My wife never mentioned anything about it because I was in the same place, hiding it very well. I knew it was an issue because I had to put more effort into hiding the amount I was actually drinking, but I made sure not to let me actions give away how important that nightly buzz was.

Having been in this position I can say what would have worked for me had my wife confronted me: she should have let me know that she was aware of the amount I was drinking, that it was well in excess of casual drinking, and that she enjoyed her time with me more when I was sober and was concerned with what would happen to my health and the relationship if I did not decide to stop.

Would this have gotten me to stop? Depends on when she said it and even then not directly. See, no matter what anyone said or did the only person that could stop me was me. It had to be my decision to get off the path I was heading down. Had my wife said the above then it would have let me know that she was aware of where I was and would be supporting me if I made the right decision.

The danger in trying to force someone into this decision before they are ready is that in their minds it becomes you vs them, not them vs drinking. Not only does this strain the relationship but I'd imagine it would take focus way from the decision to quit drinking.

I would let him know that that you know exactly what is going on and that you would support him in making the right decision, but that the decision either way is up to him. The best thing you can do is to put yourself in a place where you can be where you need to be personally regardless of which decision he makes.

Rella927

Welcome to SR! Glad that you found us! Please stick around and know that you are not alone

Trust your gutt feelings! Ignoring them was something that I use to do-Al-Anon was a big life saver for me!

As Carol and CatPJ suggested try at least 6-meetings! I went to 4 different ones until I found one I was comfortable with!

I loved FormerDormat's post! "12 of anything is too much!"

Keep posting!!

nowinsituation

Lovemyhusband -

I find it both comforting and unbelievable that there are so many stories like this in this forum. I found myself in exactly this situation a few months ago; I discovered my husband was drinking between 6-12 beers a night EVERY night. I felt pretty stupid for not knowing -- and wondered (still do) how long it had been going on. I prayed and planned my confrontation with him very carefully, in fact; I had a written script so that I would say exactly what I wanted to say and not get sidetracked by my emotions and his denial. To make a long story short -- he agreed with everything I said and said he would quit drinking . . . GREAT!!!! Then, after a few months when I realized he was still drinking but now hiding it from me, I felt blindsided again.

Find a way to tell him what you know, and why it is a problem. But, be very careful of his reaction. From my limited experience and perspective -- it is very unusual for someone that drinks that much to just stop because they want to. The denial leads to lying. It was just too difficult for me to be supportive when I could not trust him.

lovemyhusband

Thank you to all for your insightful words. I am now to the full realization that my husband does need to stop drinking. Do I ask him to cut back or to stop all together? I know many of you think I am clueless-I am! This is a new situation to me. I am afraid if I tell him to stop that he'll try to hide it from me. Yet if I tell him to cut back, he may not take me seriously. I still have yet to discuss this with him and am planning to confront him tonight. I am so nervous but thanks to your replies I at least have some ideas about what to say. I also do understand that it has to be now as it will only get worse unless he stops with the excessive drinking. I also know that I can ask him to stop but his choices are independent of me and our children. I can chose to react to his choices but cannot make him change. Wow, I've learned a lot throught you all. It will take time though to get over my feelings of guilt for not seeing this sooner. At this point, I know my husband will try and stop because of me and our children, but my biggest fear is that he will "have to stay late at work" of "need to go to the store" or come up with other excuses to hide it from us. I guess I will soon find out. You have all been very kind, straight-forward and encouraging. I am so glad I found this forum or I may still be in the "Is it a problem?" stage.

lovemyhusband

Also, thank you for being so open and sharing your experiences. It is the stories of others that I find most encouraging!

FormerDoormat

It was when I started telling my boyfriend what to do (or not to do) and how I wanted him to live his life and conduct his affairs that my relationship with him fell apart. Telling him he was not allowed to drink in my house only drove him to hide his daily drinking from me and forced him to lie to me about it. That fueled my anger and I began to openly berate him. That made him start to hate me and, in turn, I began to hate myself. It was a no-win situation.

I still have much to learn about alcoholism, codependency, and relationships, but one thing I know for sure: I have no control over what another person does with their life and no right to demand that they behave according to my wishes. All I can do is make changes myself. AA will be your husband's salvation, if and when he chooses it. Alanon will be yours. Choose it today.

keepingmyjoy

lovemyhusband....I am hoping your conversation will go well for you. I too love my husband. I just left him since he could not hear me through all the alcohol. But I hope that you will stay with us and post. I have found the support here to be the best thing that has happened to me in my situation.

Let us know how things go. Hoping and praying for the best!

LaTeeDa

FWIW, I don't think it would be helpful to ask him to quit or cut down. Knowing what I know now, I would simply let him know that his drinking is a problem for you, and give him the reasons why. (it might help to journal a little about this so you can be clear on what exactly it is that bothers you) For me, it was lack of intimacy, failure to be a contributing partner in the marriage, selfishness, disrespect for me and himself, undependability, etc.

It might help to figure out exactly what bothers you about his drinking (usually it's the accompanying behavior more than the actual drinking) and just state it to him. That way, you leave it up to him what (if anything) he wants to do about it. I wish I would have learned to make his choices his responsibility much sooner, lol.

Best wishes,

L

mamaplus2kids

lovemyhusband... I think LaTeeDa is right. I would include how you feel with each behavior that bothers you. For example, "I am sad about our lack of intimacy" or "I get angry when you are undependable", etc... I would list specific examples, when you can. Don't say "you make me feel" whatever way, as this gives him too much power over you. Instead it is better to say, "when you do ..., I feel ..." I hope it goes well for you.

My husband was very similar... he was a known "party'er" and someone who drank huge quantities of beer after I went to sleep. He spent most of our short marriage on the couch, reeking of booze and cigarettes. I was in that "is it a problem?" stage for too long, as I didn't want it to be true. I also had no idea what to do about it.

At one point I got him to go to couple's counseling in the hopes that the therapist would get him to quit. At most of our sessions, I was afraid of bringing up the booze and would dance around the subject. During the rare moments that I confronted it, he would get angry and threaten not to come back again. The therapist kept urging me to go to Al Anon, and I thought he was completely wrong. I thought: my husband was the one with the problem, not me! Why should I go?

When I finally went, I learned that Al Anon was like the invisible boat that will get you across the lake, but you can't see it until you get in it, pick up the oars and start rowing.

lovemyhusband

Thanks again to everyone! It has been so helpful to read everyones words of encouragement and insight. I chickened out to this point. The day that I was going to talk to him about his drinking, I realized that he did not drink at all after work. I waited to see if he would drink or how he would react without alcohol. He was completely fine. In fact he drank nothing the next day either. So, I started to question myself and my thought on his drinking. Well, as the nights went on, his drinking again became excessive at about 8 beers each night since then. I always assumed that someone with a problem would not be able to just stop for 2 days. Now in the last 4 days he has drank 3 twelve packs. How could someone with a problem just stop? I am sad because we are shutting down our internet service as it does not work properly. So, I will not be able to check in with this forum at a regular basis. My plan at this point as many have suggested is to get in touch with an Al Anon group as many has suggested and get even further suggestions on how I can handle this before I bring it up to him. I like to be prepared. So again, thank you to all. You have all been so incredibly helpful and I now know the where I can get information to combat this problem. I will check back here whenever I can!