gabenyc

so, my xabf and i broke up seven weeks ago, and i've been adhering to no contact like a demon. all i can say is that it's really hard, particularly over the holidays. i've made a lot of progress in the last month -- i've got my own place, bought a bunch of furniture, even going on a date with a nice guy tonight -- but for some reason, the holidays hit really hard. i really miss him, and it's so easy and tempting to make myself forget the six pack a night, the meanness in front of my friends, the inability to recognize anyone else's needs, the enormous porn collection, the emotional expression that was only possible after coming back from the bar. instead, all the fond memories and potential for tenderness keep creeping back in. i feel really lonely, and find myself at a loss with what to do with all my newly found alone time. we never really had any closure on the relationship, and all i really want to do is call him up and tell him how much i miss him. it just sucks...and all the love in the world can't change an addict that isn't ready to quit, and there's really no point in making yourself vulnerable to someone that can't really do the same. i still feel like my mood on any given day is in relation to him, and i just want all of the related pain to go away and disappear. like i said, it just plain sucks.

Barbara52

I found that writing down clearly and completely all the reasons I left my AH helped a great deal. In those moments when I had thoughts of it wasn't that bad popped up and wouldn't leave, I reviewed that journal and reaffirmed my previous pain and the validity of my decision to leave.

You haven't been gone long really and the holidays do make it worse. Hang in there. It will get better.

Are you going to AlAnon or therapy? I also found individual therapy to be very helpful.

MsGolightly

whenever i would feel that urge to call my ex or send an email saying how much i missed her, i would sit on it for a day or so and almost always, the urge disappears. i figure, if she's not doing the same for me, i shouldn't do it for her. hugs to you, i know how hard it can be.

CBrown

You hit several nails straight on the head. "All the love in the world can't change an addict that isn't ready to quit." That one is a heartbreaker when we want to believe that love conquers all. It just doesn't work that way, does it. And I can't WAIT until these holidays are over. I'm bluesy and it's not even wholy related to my XABF!

But the beginning of your post is the part I have to thank you for the most. Your XABF did the same things mine did, and when I read those descriptions, a little bit of that sick feeling comes back again, I tell myself he's treating his current GF that way too, and I thank God I'm not exposed to that anymore.

You have friends here to lean on! We'll all move on together.

ARealLady

I tell myself he's treating his current GF that way too, and I thank God I'm not exposed to that anymore.



I don't know that XABF even has a new GF but sure am glad I am no longer his GF! I read threads on this board which remind me of what I did go through and how much worse it could have got and I think there but for the grace of God!

Gabe...it was my birthday two days ago and it felt pretty bleak at moments not to have a special someone to celebrate with but I did my "there but for the grace of God" thinking and realized each time how much better off I am without XABF in my life.

Things get better......T-I-M-E!

ARL

NoChoice

My divorce will be final in 5 days! He will be served and it will be done! I think that the divorce being final and the holidays have made me think a lot about my marriage. It is sad. I have several very close people around me now and they were with me during the final stages of my marriage. I tell them the stories...they are simply blown away. That really helps me focus on the part of the marriage that I am leaving. I always hoped that the funny loving creative silly smart beautiful strong thoughftul man would make a guest appearance and decide to stay but that didn't happen by the time I decided I needed to make some choices for me. I surely don't like the mean drunk. I agree writing is a wonderful tool, so we don't forget.

gabenyc

Hi all...thanks for your thoughts. This is such a supportive and understanding environment -- I really appreciate it. The hardest thing right now is the cycle -- spending one day really angry, and the next day really sad. The frustration, I guess, is that my mental focus seems to remain on him even in his absence, rather than on myself and moving on. I suppose that's just the nature of grief or withdrawal -- the drug (i.e. the xabf) and the desire for it continue to linger around in your mind, even though you know its toxic effects are so harmful and hurtful. My instinct is to get impatient with the process, and for my old self, pre-xabf, to return immediately. I guess that's not really how this sort of recovery works...

pepperpod

It could be worse, my AH is completely gone - not my choice; his choice, self-inflicted gunshot to the head...good luck and God speed in your crisis

fff

I know what you mean. My AW's mother was just here visiting her grandchildren, and she told me how much AW been exercising in jail, how good she looks etc. Then I started thinking about how hot she is..."she must look like how she looked before she was a full-blown, end-stage alcoholic! "
Then I thought about all the horrific, nightmarish things she did to me and around our kids. I still love her, but I have to enforce NO CONTACT while she, I, and our four-year-old are ALL in recovery.