Taking a 'break'
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 3
Taking a 'break'
I'm new here, but am struggling with my boyfriends' drinking and don't really have an outlet. So this may ramble a bit.
In any event, as with most people in my situation I am sure, his drinking is destroying my life. I am fighting with my family, and they say that there is a wonderful person somewhere in me, but she doesn't come out b/c she's so unhappy. They want me to leave him. I'm constantly searching for signs of his drinking and I don't trust him. He's stolen money from me, he's lied to me, he's deceived me. I've been through so much, and now that he's 'getting sober' he expects me to just trust and believe in him. I'll support him, but I want to do it from afar. I just keep thinking that I want to be somewhere where I am loved and supported and treated special and whether he wants to or not, he can't do that for me the way I feel I need.
His drinking got so bad that I told him he had to leave the house 6 months ago. Long story short, we went to my sister in law's baby shower/brothers' birthday party in Atlanta and he snuck around drinking and got wasted. If that wasn't enough, he kept drinking when he got home and lost his job. That was enough. I gave him three choices, get his own apartment, move home with his parents, or go to a sober house up 8 miles up the road. He choose the sober house. Now he goes to the minimum number of required meetings to be in the house, doesn't have a sponsor, and only goes to therapy once every three weeks. He says going back and forth between the two houses is stressful. He doesn't have privacy at the sober house. He's said that he doesn't like it and he keeps saying that I said it's the punishment he deserves. (I don't think I said that, but I did say it's not supposed to be fun)
He's stressed at his job. I think there is too much going on in his life with him getting sober, his job, our relationship and the fixer upper house I bought. He relapsed within the last few weeks. It was a 4 day bender while I was away on business. He didn't pay his car insurance and he was pulled over and the car impounded. This week he was supposed to go to my family's house for Thanksgiving, but he freaked out the night before and left. We've been fighting about his progress. We don't communicate, I just take care of him. I'm like his mother. We both resent that's the roles we've gotten into. He doesn't pay his bills, when he gets calls from people he doesn't return them. I have to fix everything and I am tired of picking up the pieces. Don't get me wrong, he's a really nice man who has a LOT of problems. I've come to the point where I don't want them in my life anymore. While I do love him, I am not in love with him anymore and just want to move on.
I told him that we need to take a break. I told him that this isn't a breakup cause I am not sure what this will do to him. But I want to focus on me, and what I want out of life. I'm 32, I want a family and meaningful relationship with a man that is my equal and partner. I don't want to either wait anymore and hope that he'll be ok or risk the chance that he'll get sober for a while but things will go back to the way they were. He says he loves me, and wants me in his life. He does what he can, but for me it's not enough. I feel like a bad person cause I think like this.
Of course, making matters worse, I am an adult child of a (deceased) alcoholic. I was taught that it was my job to be the caretaker. I'm just reworking my old relationships and trying to make them better. I guess I am feeling guilting for wanting to move on with my life and find my happiness again. Is this wrong?
In any event, as with most people in my situation I am sure, his drinking is destroying my life. I am fighting with my family, and they say that there is a wonderful person somewhere in me, but she doesn't come out b/c she's so unhappy. They want me to leave him. I'm constantly searching for signs of his drinking and I don't trust him. He's stolen money from me, he's lied to me, he's deceived me. I've been through so much, and now that he's 'getting sober' he expects me to just trust and believe in him. I'll support him, but I want to do it from afar. I just keep thinking that I want to be somewhere where I am loved and supported and treated special and whether he wants to or not, he can't do that for me the way I feel I need.
His drinking got so bad that I told him he had to leave the house 6 months ago. Long story short, we went to my sister in law's baby shower/brothers' birthday party in Atlanta and he snuck around drinking and got wasted. If that wasn't enough, he kept drinking when he got home and lost his job. That was enough. I gave him three choices, get his own apartment, move home with his parents, or go to a sober house up 8 miles up the road. He choose the sober house. Now he goes to the minimum number of required meetings to be in the house, doesn't have a sponsor, and only goes to therapy once every three weeks. He says going back and forth between the two houses is stressful. He doesn't have privacy at the sober house. He's said that he doesn't like it and he keeps saying that I said it's the punishment he deserves. (I don't think I said that, but I did say it's not supposed to be fun)
He's stressed at his job. I think there is too much going on in his life with him getting sober, his job, our relationship and the fixer upper house I bought. He relapsed within the last few weeks. It was a 4 day bender while I was away on business. He didn't pay his car insurance and he was pulled over and the car impounded. This week he was supposed to go to my family's house for Thanksgiving, but he freaked out the night before and left. We've been fighting about his progress. We don't communicate, I just take care of him. I'm like his mother. We both resent that's the roles we've gotten into. He doesn't pay his bills, when he gets calls from people he doesn't return them. I have to fix everything and I am tired of picking up the pieces. Don't get me wrong, he's a really nice man who has a LOT of problems. I've come to the point where I don't want them in my life anymore. While I do love him, I am not in love with him anymore and just want to move on.
I told him that we need to take a break. I told him that this isn't a breakup cause I am not sure what this will do to him. But I want to focus on me, and what I want out of life. I'm 32, I want a family and meaningful relationship with a man that is my equal and partner. I don't want to either wait anymore and hope that he'll be ok or risk the chance that he'll get sober for a while but things will go back to the way they were. He says he loves me, and wants me in his life. He does what he can, but for me it's not enough. I feel like a bad person cause I think like this.
Of course, making matters worse, I am an adult child of a (deceased) alcoholic. I was taught that it was my job to be the caretaker. I'm just reworking my old relationships and trying to make them better. I guess I am feeling guilting for wanting to move on with my life and find my happiness again. Is this wrong?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by aliecat32 
I told him that we need to take a break. I told him that this isn't a breakup cause I am not sure what this will do to him. But I want to focus on me, and what I want out of life. I'm 32, I want a family and meaningful relationship with a man that is my equal and partner. I don't want to either wait anymore and hope that he'll be ok or risk the chance that he'll get sober for a while but things will go back to the way they were. He says he loves me, and wants me in his life. He does what he can, but for me it's not enough. I feel like a bad person cause I think like this.
Of course, making matters worse, I am an adult child of a (deceased) alcoholic. I was taught that it was my job to be the caretaker. I'm just reworking my old relationships and trying to make them better. I guess I am feeling guilting for wanting to move on with my life and find my happiness again. Is this wrong?
Of course, making matters worse, I am an adult child of a (deceased) alcoholic. I was taught that it was my job to be the caretaker. I'm just reworking my old relationships and trying to make them better. I guess I am feeling guilting for wanting to move on with my life and find my happiness again. Is this wrong?
You could have just been typing my story. All of it.
I can only tell you that my life didn't truly begin until I put these kinds of damaging relationships behind me for good. And that started with a break -- a real physical separation -- that allowed me the time and space to feel my own feelings.
That fact that you are ACoA like me makes it all the more important that you break the cycle of caretaking. Happiness won't really start for you until you take that big step. You can love him all you want...but do it from a distance where you can protect the calm, self-aware center that is telling you what you truly want & need out of a partner. With your boyfriend's needs clamoring in your ears and head all day long, you can't hear it, you can't hear its small voice of guidance.
I also did several sessions with a therapist/counselor who worked a lot with ACoA women. Some structured time like that might be just what you need to not find yourself in those kinds of relationships in the future....it was an amazing change in my life.
Please feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk...it sounds like we have a lot of common ground.
Take good care of yourself and do what you need to do to create an environment where that brilliant, optimistic, joyful person inside you can come out.
GL
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
A - no, you are not wrong. That is the healthy part of yourself that is telling you to move on. I broke off my engagement last spring for the same reasons. has it been easy? no. was it the right thing to do? absolutely. no one needs to live in that kind of chaos. i let my ex know that when he is ready to change his life, we are here. the choice is his. i am in the process of getting myself healthier and am doing what feels good for me now.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 3
Thank you both for your messages. I hate the phrase "misery loves company" but I am glad to know that someone knows what I am going through.
I know this is the right thing to do. I want to support him, but what I want more is to get back to my life. I'm scared about making everything work out. Financially it will be tight, but then again I was doing it before without his help so I should be ok. I'll just get a roommate and go from there I suppose.
I just wish this was easy, but it's not. I wish I could look forward 6 months to see if everything is going to work out ok. No one can do that for me, but it's a wish. I just have to be strong and hope for the best.
I know this is the right thing to do. I want to support him, but what I want more is to get back to my life. I'm scared about making everything work out. Financially it will be tight, but then again I was doing it before without his help so I should be ok. I'll just get a roommate and go from there I suppose.
I just wish this was easy, but it's not. I wish I could look forward 6 months to see if everything is going to work out ok. No one can do that for me, but it's a wish. I just have to be strong and hope for the best.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
((((Alie)))) Many of us "wished" we could look down the road to see what the future holds. Many of us kept holding on just in case and, while we were holding, our own lives were put on hold. You realize you need to make a decision for you. We're here.
ARL
ARL
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 3
Unbelievable
It's been less than 48 hours and he's already been drinking. I said I didn't think this was working. He said he understood. He said he was going to work on a Habitat for Humanity house (while I begged him for MONTHS to finish our house) and he drank afterwards. He got kicked out of the sober house and had nowhere to go. SO HE'S BACK HERE FOR THREE DAYS! I didn't need this anymore. Thank GOD I'm making the decision I am making. He's sleeping on the couch in my basement for the next three days. He's finishing the bathroom and the hallway so I can get roommates, and I am SO DONE DONE DONE.
I know this isn't uncommon with alcoholics, but really. Why don't they get it?
I know this isn't uncommon with alcoholics, but really. Why don't they get it?
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