I wish He could see what we see
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Maine
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I wish He could see what we see
I was watching him last night when he wasn't looking When I got home from working. He has had the whole week off and I have been working harder than usual at work. SO........I get home and I am literally limping. I am so sore and tired. The lazy man wants to know what is for Supper. Thank god for all the Leftovers! So while I am taking 10 minuits to talk to my 11 year old about her day he goes to get a plate of food. He takes the plate downstairs to eat so he is close to the back door where he has stashed a case of beer so all he has to do is reach out the door every half hour or so for a fresh can. This is annoyingly convenient for him and so nice for the weather to cooperate since it is in the 20's and the beer is nice and cold for him. My other daughter had to work until 8 p.m. so me and my 11 year old sat down and had our own meal alone at the table and I was thinking that he predictably would have started drinking around noon and who by the time I got home was swaying all over the place. After he ate he sat down by himself and watched a movie for a few minuites. My daughter looked in on him when she got home at 8 to say hi. She said he had fallen asleep in the chair. I looked too and he of course had a can of beer clenched in his right hand even though he was sound asleep. We left him there and we watched tv together upstairs. I sat there thinking how normal and routine this is now to the girls. These girls who had not been exposed to this kind of heavy drinking until two years ago take it in stride now without comment about the way it has made their father isolate himself from them. I should accept the new reality of our lives but I can't help feel sad when I compare this scene to what it was just a few short years ago. The picture is so out of whack now. I can't for the life of me understand why the evening scenereo was acceptable to him. Some small part of him should have realized that this is sad and something has to change.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 156
He is doing the best he can with what he has. It is so very sad to me but I think the beautiful thing is that you see that this isn't normal, thank God for that. When I was living with my XAH, I thought what I was living was normal, it was hell. I am so grateful I got out, I didn't realize how close I was to not getting out. I am not saying getting out is the answer for all but it was for me. I am trying to underscore the importance that you can clearly see what you clearly see, no rose colored lenses, it just is what it is no matter how sad. Alcohol is cunning baffling and powerful, it made me make choices that blow my mind today. (I have been sober for a while) the only thing that mattered to me was having a good supply to drink and a place to drink it in, nothing else mattered. You are taking care of you and your girls. That is beautiful.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I'm sorry you are going thru all this. It so sad to read about yet another family being torn apart this way.
Its sounds like you are doing pretty good at detaching and trying to have a "normal" life in the midst of the madness. I hope you are working on helping yourswelf and your girls even more.
Please remember that your girls are learning life lessons about what marriage is, about how men should treat women and their children, that these lessons will affect them all their life.
Its sounds like you are doing pretty good at detaching and trying to have a "normal" life in the midst of the madness. I hope you are working on helping yourswelf and your girls even more.
Originally Posted by bluewombat 
These girls who had not been exposed to this kind of heavy drinking until two years ago take it in stride now without comment about the way it has made their father isolate himself from them.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Sounds familiar
Wow does that sound familiar to me. So many people tried to tell me that this was normal, I should accept it. It may be common (so therefore, normal), but IMO it is not acceptable. I realize now that I accepted it for so long because it happened in my house too, when I was growing up. It is no way to live. Take care of yourself and your girls, whatever it takes.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
I don’t agree, this is not the best he can do.
AA and thinking about the family would be.
You said the girls never knew life as this.
How long do you want them exposed to something that is progressive in many ways?
As you said in your letter something must change.
AA and thinking about the family would be.
You said the girls never knew life as this.
How long do you want them exposed to something that is progressive in many ways?
As you said in your letter something must change.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by Mr. Christian
I don’t agree, this is not the best he can do.
AA and thinking about the family would be.
You said the girls never knew life as this.
How long do you want them exposed to something that is progressive in many ways?
As you said in your letter something must change.
AA and thinking about the family would be.
You said the girls never knew life as this.
How long do you want them exposed to something that is progressive in many ways?
As you said in your letter something must change.
if only the addict could perceive the problems and take control of their lives.
many have, but it seems to me it is easier said than done.
my own aw (we are separated) can look in the mirror and NOT see the apathetic, resentful, often zero emotion empty face alcohol has brought her. Puffy face and body, crappy skin, hair, etc etc. She used to be a lovely, vibrant, personable, witty, happy girl.
To her NOTHING will get in the way of her and a bottle. Not even a young child.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Yes I know Steve, been there with mine.
But as 4 years in Alanon is here for me I've met many in AA.
They have made that CHOICE to help themselves and to change their lives.
Even though mine did not, the program of Alanon got me through alot.
But as 4 years in Alanon is here for me I've met many in AA.
They have made that CHOICE to help themselves and to change their lives.
Even though mine did not, the program of Alanon got me through alot.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by bluewombat
I sat there thinking how normal and routine this is now to the girls. These girls who had not been exposed to this kind of heavy drinking until two years ago take it in stride now without comment about the way it has made their father isolate himself from them.
Will you be surprised when your girls grow up to marry alcoholics? Now that they know how "normal" and routine it is for someone to fall asleep in his chair, isolating himself, clutching his can of beer like a lover's hand?
As Barbara said, they are learning life lessons right now that they will carry with them for the rest of their lives (or until they can afford thousands of dollars in therapy, as I had to). What are you saying to them about this situation? Are they involved in Al-Anon, Alateen, or any other program that is helping to make clear how NOT NORMAL this is?
Detachment isn't about teaching yourself and your kids that this behavior is okay.
It's about saving your own life and sanity when you are unwilling or unable to remove the alcoholism from your life. You seem to be unwilling -- clinging like a bulldog to "I WON'T let this break us up" rather than putting your own and your children's self interests first. I'm not sure that you are able to step back and see what you're teaching your girls: that they too should hang on to a relationship no matter how bad it gets, no matter how much disrespect you have to suffer, no matter how loveless the relationship has become, because...well...because you just SHOULD, that's all.
What are you doing for you and your kids? Besides being loyal and unhappy, treading water, and waiting for that magical fairy tale day when he might "see what you see" ?
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I can't for the life of me understand why the evening scenereo was acceptable to him.
Why was living like this acceptable to me? Every day that I chose to stay in a relationship with an active alcoholic, every day that I failed to take actions to move me towards a happier and more fulfilling life, every day that I accepted unacceptable behavior from my partner I was robbing myself of a happy, peaceful life.
Only one person holds the key to my happiness--me.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 98
your kids
Someone on here once said something like, "Go check out the Adult Children of Alcoholics Forum. That'll give you a good idea of how this affects your kids in the future."
That hit me hard, as I was planning to wed and have kids with my xabf. I didn't want to raise them with an alcoholic because my father was one, and I know that it sucks. Then all of a sudden, a light bulb went on and I realized that my xabf is EXACTLY the man my alcoholic dad is! I fell into that Freudian category! It made me sick to think how textbook I am...and how simple the facts were, yet my denial masked them.
Just something to think about in regards to your children witnessing his behavior. Show them YOUR strength, and they will grow to admire whatever it is that you do, no matter how painful the process will be in the short-term. They will learn that they should have boundries in all of their relationships; they will learn that they deserve respect, honor and dignity. They will watch you and learn that his behavior is not 'normal' and come to expect much more out of life - which is what we all need to do in order to heal from the pain of losing an alcoholic loved one. Who knows, maybe he will go get help (I pray that he does) and everything will be just dandy. But something has to change NOW, before your children learn too much about what he considers 'normal' behavior.
best to you!
That hit me hard, as I was planning to wed and have kids with my xabf. I didn't want to raise them with an alcoholic because my father was one, and I know that it sucks. Then all of a sudden, a light bulb went on and I realized that my xabf is EXACTLY the man my alcoholic dad is! I fell into that Freudian category! It made me sick to think how textbook I am...and how simple the facts were, yet my denial masked them.
Just something to think about in regards to your children witnessing his behavior. Show them YOUR strength, and they will grow to admire whatever it is that you do, no matter how painful the process will be in the short-term. They will learn that they should have boundries in all of their relationships; they will learn that they deserve respect, honor and dignity. They will watch you and learn that his behavior is not 'normal' and come to expect much more out of life - which is what we all need to do in order to heal from the pain of losing an alcoholic loved one. Who knows, maybe he will go get help (I pray that he does) and everything will be just dandy. But something has to change NOW, before your children learn too much about what he considers 'normal' behavior.
best to you!
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
Hello Blue, I am sorry that u and the girls are going through the roller coaster that is life with an active alcoholic. I have many boundaries and they have kept me happy, also the kids don't have to see him drink. I know that this may not work for your relationship but I will tell u my boundaries. I will just list a few since for the others here I will sound like a broken record. I do not allow my H to drink in our home or around our property. Also, I try to not argue too much in front of the kids even about everyday stuff. I try to be a good example especially to my daughter, I never want a man to walk all over her. I am a strong assertive woman and my daughter is too. I never want Grace to be in a bad marriage or relationship. I know she is only 11 but our children often learn by our actions. Keep taking care of u and the kiddos. Remember take one day at a time......
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
My exAH used to crash on the couch by midday on the weekends. My son, his friends, and I used to just live our lives around his snoring, reeking form as if he was part of the furnature. Now that's sad ... for us to accept so little as a family I mean. It wasn't sad for him. He was doing exactly what he wanted so for him it was paradise.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
I remember when I first started coming here, someone said to me DON't ACCEPT THE UNACCEPTABLE. I had been doing that for 13 years. It is part of this crazy disease.
I hope I am not hijacking this post, but I think this is related... like you said "Some small part of him should have realized that this is sad and something has to change."
This weekend, we spent some time with a cousin and his family who we see once every few years. His 38 year old son and girlfriend joined us. When no one was around she would share with me that they have no heat in their apartment. They have no heater in their car. The car has cardboard taped to broken out windows. She spent the previous week scrubbing mold off the walls and even the couch in their apartment. She then told me that he found a new bar to go to and they have given him a tab. She is just a frail little thing who he bossed around all day, "get me this", "get me that" make me a sandwich, get me a drink". I felt so sorry for her and tried talking "the program" to her. I hope she too will stop accepting the unnacceptable.
We all have our limits, but this disease truly distorts our reasoning and ability to see the truth. Glad you are able to see "the new reality of your lives" - it took me 13years to see reality.
Take care.
I hope I am not hijacking this post, but I think this is related... like you said "Some small part of him should have realized that this is sad and something has to change."
This weekend, we spent some time with a cousin and his family who we see once every few years. His 38 year old son and girlfriend joined us. When no one was around she would share with me that they have no heat in their apartment. They have no heater in their car. The car has cardboard taped to broken out windows. She spent the previous week scrubbing mold off the walls and even the couch in their apartment. She then told me that he found a new bar to go to and they have given him a tab. She is just a frail little thing who he bossed around all day, "get me this", "get me that" make me a sandwich, get me a drink". I felt so sorry for her and tried talking "the program" to her. I hope she too will stop accepting the unnacceptable.
We all have our limits, but this disease truly distorts our reasoning and ability to see the truth. Glad you are able to see "the new reality of your lives" - it took me 13years to see reality.
Take care.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 38
trying to understand
I'm new, here, and your post about your husband reminded me a lot of my dad and my family at night. He goes into our family room and deliberately watches tv on his own, he never sits with us. He sits in semi dark just drinking alone watching war documentaries... why does he do this, is it a common characteristic of alcoholics to isolate themselves while they are drinking? I'm just trying to figure out if our family is normal in some aspects, even if it is a "normal alcoholic" family...
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 98
Yep
In my world, it is quite 'normal' (if you are an alcoholic or addict) to isolate yourself. However, what is normal for one person is certainly not normal for another. It's all relative...you have to decide what kind of 'normal' you want to live for yourself.
My xabf got to the point where he would wake up on weekend mornings early in order to drink by himself. I think he did it because, if he started drinking when I was awake, he'd feel shame and have to make some wisecrack about how 'it's 5:00 somewhere' or 'it's beer time!'
Also, my father is an alcoholic. Like clockwork, he is at home and sitting in the kitchen (usually by himself) drinking beer by 8:00 p.m. He usually just sits in there, drinks and watches TV, makes idle chatter with anyone passing through, etc. He does this till about 11:30 p.m., then eats this elaborate meal he made all by himself and goes to bed. Still, every single morning that man is up and doing something by 5:00!
It's good you are concerned and gathering information. Hopefully you won't end up making the same mess of a relationship that I did! I pretty much followed the textbook definition of Adult Child of an Alcoholic!!
Good luck to you. Keep checking out the posts on this Web site...you'll probably find everything you need to know, or at least find the good people who can direct you where you need to go next!
My xabf got to the point where he would wake up on weekend mornings early in order to drink by himself. I think he did it because, if he started drinking when I was awake, he'd feel shame and have to make some wisecrack about how 'it's 5:00 somewhere' or 'it's beer time!'
Also, my father is an alcoholic. Like clockwork, he is at home and sitting in the kitchen (usually by himself) drinking beer by 8:00 p.m. He usually just sits in there, drinks and watches TV, makes idle chatter with anyone passing through, etc. He does this till about 11:30 p.m., then eats this elaborate meal he made all by himself and goes to bed. Still, every single morning that man is up and doing something by 5:00!
It's good you are concerned and gathering information. Hopefully you won't end up making the same mess of a relationship that I did! I pretty much followed the textbook definition of Adult Child of an Alcoholic!!
Good luck to you. Keep checking out the posts on this Web site...you'll probably find everything you need to know, or at least find the good people who can direct you where you need to go next!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 38
functioning alcoholics
thanks for the insight, your dad sounds exactly like mine, every night he cooks the family a beautiful dinner, insists on cleaning up entirely afterwards and is up at about 5 am doing fitness bootcamp through the gym. He is as fit as some 25 yr olds. No one at the gym would ever know how much he drinks because he is in such good shape, sounds like our fathers bring all new meaning to the term "functioning alcoholic"
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 98
how can everything be so cliche?????
daddy'sgirl, functional is a word that is relative, too. just like 'normal.' what do you consider 'functional?'
you are so sweet! i have no idea your age, and it doesn't amtter, but I feel like I was you a few years back. I am 28 now, but when we were kids, I was the one who helped Ma clean up after my drunk father; i was the one who craddled my little sister to sleep after one of her panic-attacks about our father; and I was the one who convinced my brother not to fight him when he went crazy and lectured drunkenly for hours. My Dad was A and dry-drunk through and through, but the affect he had on my siblings' lives today is remarkable. Unfortunately, I am the only kid who got help...
I have total-middle-child-syndrome written all over my face. now that my siblings are all over the world, i am nicknamed the 'Glue.' (I keep us all together through contact...and I stayed close to my Codie-Mom and A-Dad.) You sound very much like me...trying so hard to find the solution to a problem so everyone can just chill and love each others' company, right...?
I hate to be cliche yet again, but YOU CANNOT MAKE YOUR FATHER BETTER, no matter what you do (aside from some dunking-torture, if you are up to that. ) If he is anything like my stubborn old man, then he'll die with a beer in his hand, cig in the ashtray, food burning on the stove...and alone.
no one wants this, and this may be VERY untrue for some, but i think some 'old-timers' resign to the fact that they will just 'go out' like they want...they think there is no sense in rehabbing or even just drying up because they are still of the notion that their drinking/drug problem only affects THEM. They have absolutely no clue that it hurts everyone surrounding them, and if they are aware of the pain they cause others (as is the case with my A-Dad), they can find 10,000 reasons why they have the 'right' to do as they please ("we built this country" "I fought in 'Nam"). Plz keep reading and posting. You will be fine, and your family will be fine, too. Just learn as much as you can, not only about your father, but especially about YOU!
you are so sweet! i have no idea your age, and it doesn't amtter, but I feel like I was you a few years back. I am 28 now, but when we were kids, I was the one who helped Ma clean up after my drunk father; i was the one who craddled my little sister to sleep after one of her panic-attacks about our father; and I was the one who convinced my brother not to fight him when he went crazy and lectured drunkenly for hours. My Dad was A and dry-drunk through and through, but the affect he had on my siblings' lives today is remarkable. Unfortunately, I am the only kid who got help...
I have total-middle-child-syndrome written all over my face. now that my siblings are all over the world, i am nicknamed the 'Glue.' (I keep us all together through contact...and I stayed close to my Codie-Mom and A-Dad.) You sound very much like me...trying so hard to find the solution to a problem so everyone can just chill and love each others' company, right...?
I hate to be cliche yet again, but YOU CANNOT MAKE YOUR FATHER BETTER, no matter what you do (aside from some dunking-torture, if you are up to that.
) If he is anything like my stubborn old man, then he'll die with a beer in his hand, cig in the ashtray, food burning on the stove...and alone. no one wants this, and this may be VERY untrue for some, but i think some 'old-timers' resign to the fact that they will just 'go out' like they want...they think there is no sense in rehabbing or even just drying up because they are still of the notion that their drinking/drug problem only affects THEM. They have absolutely no clue that it hurts everyone surrounding them, and if they are aware of the pain they cause others (as is the case with my A-Dad), they can find 10,000 reasons why they have the 'right' to do as they please ("we built this country" "I fought in 'Nam"). Plz keep reading and posting. You will be fine, and your family will be fine, too. Just learn as much as you can, not only about your father, but especially about YOU!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 38
Thanks so much for the posts trying to heal. In the short time i've spend on here it's been so invaluable. I have decided i have to do things for myself cos he's thinking about himself, mum needs to take care of the whole family and two businesses so i need to take care of myself. I've written him a letter telling him how his drinking hurts me. He knows, but he ignored the letter and just like i said in the letter, please don't let my children grow up without a grandfather like i did, because that's a special kind of relationship no one can replicate. I just never thought people could be so selfish with the ones they love....
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 98
Stolen
I think we've officially stolen your thread, Bluewombat! I'm sorry! But I think it's relevant in that children of alcoholic parents are shedding more light on how it ultimately affects what the children grow to think 'normal' family interaction is...
DLG, this is something Bluewombat wrote in the original post: "Some small part of him should have realized that this is sad and something has to change."
From my understanding, a's have hardly any thoughts regarding what they are doing or simply don't care. A sort of demented 'this-is-who-I-am, take-it-or-leave-it' attitude. It is incredibly sad that they don't see it and regard what they are doing as 'fine' or whatever justification they use to quell your concerns to them. In fact, I think they take it as criticism of their behavior! Sometimes it is, but I think that most of the time we codie's say anything to them is because we love them so much and don't want them to die early, get hurt, sink further into depression, etc.
Looking back over the six-year relationship, I can think of several times when I have written letters to my xabf. Some of them were answered with apologies, some with promises to change, some with presents and 'I'll never ignore your needs again,' etc.
It was when he completely ignored my last letter, that I woke up and decided to leave him. I realized that he was pretty much ignoring me more and more and had gotten so apathetic that he didn't TRY to be a good man to me or make up for anything that hurt me. Although we were together everyday and night and I thought we were 'having fun', I recognized a whole new side of him I had not seen before (classic denial on my part). It was this forum that helped me see it for what it was: alcoholism. He was out of touch with anyone but himself. The scary part was realizing that he was so much like my a-father, and the scariest was realizing that my perception of our wonderful little life together was, in reality, a total sham that I had sort of built up in my head because I was in just as much denial as he was!
I totally understand how you feel that your dad did not even ackowledge your letter. I understand that sadness you feel about thinking of how he used to be, washing you in the tub, etc. I feel the same, and so do most others, IMHO. I was advised to start understanding that things will not go back to how they were before his alcoholism starts the progressive rollercoaster downhill, unless he gets sober and works a program.
My xabf won't work a program, nor get sober. So I am not doing myself or him any favors by living in that fantasy I have that things will change because "things were sooooooo good in the first three years of our relationship."
This is making me sad writing this, so I am going to shut up now...
DLG, this is something Bluewombat wrote in the original post: "Some small part of him should have realized that this is sad and something has to change."
From my understanding, a's have hardly any thoughts regarding what they are doing or simply don't care. A sort of demented 'this-is-who-I-am, take-it-or-leave-it' attitude. It is incredibly sad that they don't see it and regard what they are doing as 'fine' or whatever justification they use to quell your concerns to them. In fact, I think they take it as criticism of their behavior! Sometimes it is, but I think that most of the time we codie's say anything to them is because we love them so much and don't want them to die early, get hurt, sink further into depression, etc.
Looking back over the six-year relationship, I can think of several times when I have written letters to my xabf. Some of them were answered with apologies, some with promises to change, some with presents and 'I'll never ignore your needs again,' etc.
It was when he completely ignored my last letter, that I woke up and decided to leave him. I realized that he was pretty much ignoring me more and more and had gotten so apathetic that he didn't TRY to be a good man to me or make up for anything that hurt me. Although we were together everyday and night and I thought we were 'having fun', I recognized a whole new side of him I had not seen before (classic denial on my part). It was this forum that helped me see it for what it was: alcoholism. He was out of touch with anyone but himself. The scary part was realizing that he was so much like my a-father, and the scariest was realizing that my perception of our wonderful little life together was, in reality, a total sham that I had sort of built up in my head because I was in just as much denial as he was!
I totally understand how you feel that your dad did not even ackowledge your letter. I understand that sadness you feel about thinking of how he used to be, washing you in the tub, etc. I feel the same, and so do most others, IMHO. I was advised to start understanding that things will not go back to how they were before his alcoholism starts the progressive rollercoaster downhill, unless he gets sober and works a program.
My xabf won't work a program, nor get sober. So I am not doing myself or him any favors by living in that fantasy I have that things will change because "things were sooooooo good in the first three years of our relationship."
This is making me sad writing this, so I am going to shut up now...
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 38
Thanks for the post, and i agree i may have accidentally hijacked bluewombat's threat, i apoligise, i'm not quite used to chat room etiquette.
One major theme i've found on here a lot is that it's girlfriends, boyfriends, partners and spouses talking about how the only solution seems to be leaving that alcoholic... but how do you divorce a father when you are too young and not ready to move out, emotionally or financially.
Like you i'm just having trouble realising the life i thought we had isnt that life anymore, it's the same life i guess, but i see it in a different light, and it's almost like loosing your identity. You feel like what you once thought was so solid could break at anytime. I'm terrified of change, hate it and right now i feel our family could go anywhere. Mum and I are at breaking point. I had to go get Xanax today for both of us to get through the day...
I understand what u mean when u say things have been good, it makes u think perhaps there isnt really a problem, we could go back to the way things were, and i'm still holding that hope, that i'll wake up one day and it'll all be ok. It'll be a sad day if i ever go to an AL ANON meeting, because it will mean that i've totally given up on our family, on my father, our relationship and maybe even my faith, i just have to think that like the depression i've suffered in the past, the adversity God challenges with me has always made me a stronger better person, and perhaps this is part of my personal development he has planned for me....
One major theme i've found on here a lot is that it's girlfriends, boyfriends, partners and spouses talking about how the only solution seems to be leaving that alcoholic... but how do you divorce a father when you are too young and not ready to move out, emotionally or financially.
Like you i'm just having trouble realising the life i thought we had isnt that life anymore, it's the same life i guess, but i see it in a different light, and it's almost like loosing your identity. You feel like what you once thought was so solid could break at anytime. I'm terrified of change, hate it and right now i feel our family could go anywhere. Mum and I are at breaking point. I had to go get Xanax today for both of us to get through the day...
I understand what u mean when u say things have been good, it makes u think perhaps there isnt really a problem, we could go back to the way things were, and i'm still holding that hope, that i'll wake up one day and it'll all be ok. It'll be a sad day if i ever go to an AL ANON meeting, because it will mean that i've totally given up on our family, on my father, our relationship and maybe even my faith, i just have to think that like the depression i've suffered in the past, the adversity God challenges with me has always made me a stronger better person, and perhaps this is part of my personal development he has planned for me....
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