lightseeker

This topic is coming up a lot for me as I continue to step 6/7 it with character defects. I spoke with another member of the anon side about how it takes a whole lot to ruffle my feathers. I definitely do not fret the small stuff. I realize that my life's work as a trauma PT has given me a unique perspective....pretty much, if you are not in the Trauma Intensive Care Unit you really don't have so much to sweat over. I know that's not really true but as long as you are breathing there's still hope for things to be better. I carry that philosophy into my personal life as well. That is good in some ways but it also means I really do tolerate way more than is healthy for me a lot of the time. The problem is that I don't realize that I am tolerating a lot of things until I hit a breaking point. I don't know if I'm just numb, keep too much perspective, or stay in denial. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the world but not of it....detached to a fault when it comes to things that are questionably acceptable.

I grew up feeling like I needed to take up as small of a place in the world as possible....almost make it like no one would notice if I were there....don't offend or upset....be seamless and stay calm and cool. Otherwise....it's not so safe. I don't believe that's true any longer but in many of my personal relationships I still ACT like that's true. I hate upsetting people so I've made a choice to be "pleasant"....which glides so smoothly into being tolerant to a fault. It's difficult for me to develop boundaries sometimes because I don't even get it that there should be one.

I'd love to hear your experience, strength, and wisdom on this topic.

Peace, Donna

outonalimb

(((Donna)))

Great topic. I gotta think about this one and come back when my brain isn't so fried.

I hope you had a great thanksgiving!

mooselips

Donna,
I also worked in the E.R. during my working days, and I felt that if you had arms and legs, and could walk and talk, that's a good day. Somehow it desensitized me to lifes little aches and pains.

I try to visualize what others are suffering when I start whining about my little trifles in life. Others have it much much worse, and I'm thankful for what I do have.

The part of your post that describes staying calm and cool....I was always a person who could not stand conflict or confrontation, and those feelings have never gone away. I chalk it up to being a A.C.O.A.

Hugs to you,

Impurrfect

Donna -

I'm another one that worked in ER and ICU. Sometimes I have to remind myself that my problems aren't really so bad when I think of what I saw. It doesn't always work right away, but eventually I'm able to put things in perspective.

And I, too, have always tried to avoid conflict. I really don't know where I got it from, because neither my mom or dad were like that, but I've been that way forever. I'm just now learning how to deal with MY part of a conflict (thanks to all of you) but I have to fight the urge to run like hell at first.

As far as boundaries, I guess I didn't know what to set at first either. I did finally realize that I don't have to get dragged into situations I don't belong in. I also don't have to be the one to give sympathy to someone who is in a bad situation of their own making.

As an example - my dad and stepmom are raising my 14-year-old niece, Brit (her mom died at the age of 18 in a car wreck). Brit has never been disciplined or made to do anything she didn't want to do. Now, she is staying at a friend's house 6 days of the week and when she comes home the one day (only because CPS has a counselor come to see her and stepmom), as soon as the counselor leaves, Brit is screaming and cussing out my stepmom if she isn't taken to her friend's house immediately.

At first, I yelled back at her (I sleep days and she would wake me up) and told her my stepmom didn't deserve to be talked to like that. NOW, I quietly ask her to be quiet and when my stepmom talks about how bad Brit is, I remind her that she allows Brit to be that way and doesn't want to change anything, so Brit has no reason to change.

It took me a lot of reading here at SR and several months before I got to that point. It took me that long to realize the only thing I could change about the situation was my reaction and my initial reaction (rage) was putting my recovery (codie and addiction) in a dangerous place.

Thanks for a great post.....you made me think and at least I can see I'm making a little progress

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Elana

A year ago I would lay down and just take it. This is really NOT my M.O. and never was until I got married.. and my husband was mentally abusive and emotionally abusive in addition to being an alcoholic and mentally ill.

For almost 20 years I learned to keep my head down and walk 1/2 step behind any man... just like my Mom did with my Dad. When that Head down and keep the peace behavior started to be the behavior I was supposed to adopt 9age 11 or 12), I rebelled with somewhat disasterous results in my relationship with my Father. I was afraid of my Father for years... but I also rebelled and stood up to him and everyone else. That was not appreciated by him.

I was one spit fire I can tell you.. assertive and all the rest. Marriage changed it.

Marriage ended and relationship with drug addict BF kept it going.

In the last year it has changed. I stand up for me. I did it at work with a coworker over something minor that I had seen him escalate with others.. when he did this to me I set my boundary. He was taken aback but he has a line now and does nto cross it.

I stand up for myself these days and keeping the peace be damned.... and often I am not well loved for it. TOUGH. I don't mean to be harsh but my name ain't matt and I don't intend to let anyone wipe their feet here ever again!

does it make me tough? Yes. Do I care? Not particularly.

Just yesterday I was out walking and there is a guy who has two terriers. The terriers come out and attempt to sink their teeh into my dog who is trained to NOT do this to other dogs. Thrre times this has happened. Last time I told the owner I was going to start carrying a stick and he was appalled. Well, yesterday I was carrying the stick and when said disobedient terriers came out they saw the stick and kept their distance (I figured to use it to guide them away from my dog, not hit them with it). Dogs, (who are smarter than most owners ) did not tangle with the stick and left me and my dog alone, tho they barked at a distance.

People used to ask me to do things with them and, no matter how inconvenient to me, I would say yes so as not to hurt their feelings. I now say no if it is not convenient, I don't want to do it or just don't feel like doing whatever it is.

Is my life filled with fewer people? You bet it is.. but if those people were causing me stress and pressure that was negative to me, maybe they did not NEED to be part of my life in the first place.

This last year has been a catharsis.. truly wonderful in me rediscovering my own person and finding her truly worth taking care of and spending time with.

The ONLY people I jump for these days are not people at all.. they are my cats and the the dog.. so I still get to feed my co dependent side..

krhea75

Wow, when you said that you tried to take up as little space as possible, I realized this was true about me as well. I am a conident woman who takes charge of life, but when it comes to my personal relationships, i roll over and say how many times can you walk all over me. I am working on this,and feel I am making progress, but it is part of my psyche that I will always struggle with. Thanks for the insight.
krhea

greeteachday

I still struggle with not feeling selfish when I choose to not accept either the unacceptable or just something I do not care to do, hear, participate in. I think I have grown in understanding that I do not have to always be the peacemaker, the giver, the fixer, but at times and in certain circumstances it is a struggle.

This really struck a chord, Donna. I think I also tend to detach in some circumstances in a way that is ignoring rather than establishing a boundary for acceptable or not acceptable. I also tend to go with the flow until suddenly I hit a breaking point. But it isn't usually conscious and when I hit that point, I am usually angry with myself for loosing my cool. I think working on recovery has helped me make progress in this, but I still need to figure out how to be conscious of the underlying build up before it gets to that point.

Thanks, Donna...As always, your post inspired a lot of contemplation. This is something I couldn't quite put a finger on and your comments have helped make it clearer. Hugs

prairie

Wow, this is me. I think I too am desensitized to the point where I think everything could be so much worse. I'm in the military and have spent time overseas. I wake up thinking it's a great day because I get to have a shower and I get to choose what I want to eat today. That I don't have to carry a rifle and all my gear, that I get to see my family. That I don't have to stand on another parade and send someone home to their families the wrong way.

Mewoman

My mom is so like that , she would never dream of rocking the boat but I am the complete opposite . I am the black sheep of the family with a big mouth . I can't help it . I live to stick up for the underdog .

I guess sometimes it would make more sense to just let things go .