I don't know what I am doing anymore
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Indiana
Posts: 7
I don't know what I am doing anymore
Hi All!
I'm new here but have the same story. My dh & I have been married almost 6 years together 9. We've ( or should I say I've) been dealing with his A problem for about 2 years now & I think I am about to give up. He is showing NO effort what so ever to stop.
He keeps saying that it's because of this or that & as soon as we get rid of this problem or that problem he will be okay. Excuse after excuse. Right now it's because of his job that he hates. He has hated every single job that he has had.
I guess what I am trying to figure out is, will this last forever? I am also an adult child of an alcoholic mother & I never ever thought my living situation would be here again
My mom rarely drinks anymore & is a whole different person than the woman I grew up with.
Will my dh get over this too? I know someday he will be a good husband & father but I am worried that it won't be with me & our dd. I DO NOT want my daughter growing up in the same type of household I did.
My dh is out getting drunk right now & I am getting to the point where I am so lonely all of the time.
I think I may join our local ala-non meetings but thought I'd start here.
I am in the process of trying to get out of the "poor me" stage.
Any help or advice? Does it come down to: Are you going to live this way or not?
2stay_or_go
I'm new here but have the same story. My dh & I have been married almost 6 years together 9. We've ( or should I say I've) been dealing with his A problem for about 2 years now & I think I am about to give up. He is showing NO effort what so ever to stop.
He keeps saying that it's because of this or that & as soon as we get rid of this problem or that problem he will be okay. Excuse after excuse. Right now it's because of his job that he hates. He has hated every single job that he has had.
I guess what I am trying to figure out is, will this last forever? I am also an adult child of an alcoholic mother & I never ever thought my living situation would be here again
My mom rarely drinks anymore & is a whole different person than the woman I grew up with.
Will my dh get over this too? I know someday he will be a good husband & father but I am worried that it won't be with me & our dd. I DO NOT want my daughter growing up in the same type of household I did.
My dh is out getting drunk right now & I am getting to the point where I am so lonely all of the time.
I think I may join our local ala-non meetings but thought I'd start here.
I am in the process of trying to get out of the "poor me" stage.
Any help or advice? Does it come down to: Are you going to live this way or not?
2stay_or_go
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hi 2stay and welcome to the forums.
They sure do have excuses for drinking, I think I am my hubbys #1 excuse. But I know its just that, an excuse. He needs to recognize his problem and get help. There is nothing you can do to help him. So in turn, we begin to take care of ourselves so we can get a little peace and sanity.
Please read the posts on the forums and especially the power posts at the top of the anon forums - they are particullary helpful. If you haven't been to al-anon, you might want to try a meeting. And of course you will find so much love and support right here.
I hope you keep coming back and posting - make yourself at home
Many hugs,
Debbie
They sure do have excuses for drinking, I think I am my hubbys #1 excuse. But I know its just that, an excuse. He needs to recognize his problem and get help. There is nothing you can do to help him. So in turn, we begin to take care of ourselves so we can get a little peace and sanity.
Please read the posts on the forums and especially the power posts at the top of the anon forums - they are particullary helpful. If you haven't been to al-anon, you might want to try a meeting. And of course you will find so much love and support right here.
I hope you keep coming back and posting - make yourself at home
Many hugs,
Debbie
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Welcome!
The Alanon meeting sounds like a plan. Alot of our feelings have to do with just that...our feelings. Until you get a handle on that you will remain confused. Alanon can help you do that.
Get a copy of Melody Beatties "Codependent no more" and read it. You will be suprised...I thought she was looking through my windows!!
My advise would be if you don't know...don't. You can take the time learn.
Hugs,
JT
The Alanon meeting sounds like a plan. Alot of our feelings have to do with just that...our feelings. Until you get a handle on that you will remain confused. Alanon can help you do that.
Get a copy of Melody Beatties "Codependent no more" and read it. You will be suprised...I thought she was looking through my windows!!
My advise would be if you don't know...don't. You can take the time learn.
Hugs,
JT
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
surviving vs. thriving
2stay:
With the help of alanon, my church, some friends, and getting a membership at a health club, I was able to improve myself and my attitude to the point where I could live with my A drinking daily. He would be trashed everyday by 3:00 pm, and I managed to resist the temptation of feeling sorry for myself or falling down into his pit with him.
But, I also wasn't truly living. I had no energy to clean the house. I had no energy to do any gardening, which I love. The yard and flower beds are a mess.
In order to get relief from him, I would leave the house and be with other people. Well, that's a fine thing to do short term. After some years, I got angry at having been effectively banished from my own home. I felt like a nomad with no home of my own.
Since he's been gone a whole one day, I've already felt my energy levels returning. I started painting the bedroom had have plans to get new carpeting.
Alcoholism is self-indulgence. Being loyal to someone who is that self-absorbed is as self-destructive as the disease itself.
Figure out what kind of life you'd like to have, and start moving in that direction.... the path will become a little more clear every day.
With the help of alanon, my church, some friends, and getting a membership at a health club, I was able to improve myself and my attitude to the point where I could live with my A drinking daily. He would be trashed everyday by 3:00 pm, and I managed to resist the temptation of feeling sorry for myself or falling down into his pit with him.
But, I also wasn't truly living. I had no energy to clean the house. I had no energy to do any gardening, which I love. The yard and flower beds are a mess.
In order to get relief from him, I would leave the house and be with other people. Well, that's a fine thing to do short term. After some years, I got angry at having been effectively banished from my own home. I felt like a nomad with no home of my own.
Since he's been gone a whole one day, I've already felt my energy levels returning. I started painting the bedroom had have plans to get new carpeting.
Alcoholism is self-indulgence. Being loyal to someone who is that self-absorbed is as self-destructive as the disease itself.
Figure out what kind of life you'd like to have, and start moving in that direction.... the path will become a little more clear every day.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Indiana
Posts: 7
THANK YOU all so much for your kind words. I fell better already.
It took me a long time to finally realize IT IS NOT MY FAULT. Once my dh realized that I was no longer going to accept that excuse he moved on LOL
I feel like just from the 3 replies I have gotten that now I know I need to start making my own life & decide later wether or not he will be staying in it.
I am also going to go buy that book today.
Hugs to everyone & I do plan on sticking around here
2stay_or_go
It took me a long time to finally realize IT IS NOT MY FAULT. Once my dh realized that I was no longer going to accept that excuse he moved on LOL
I feel like just from the 3 replies I have gotten that now I know I need to start making my own life & decide later wether or not he will be staying in it.
I am also going to go buy that book today.
Hugs to everyone & I do plan on sticking around here
2stay_or_go
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: fresno Ca
Posts: 68
2stay,
I can relate and hope you nothing but the best. The first step is that you have admitted to yourself that you deserve a better life. Don't forget that!! I have children as well and they do get effected by what there suroundings bring. My husband grew up with a by polar mother who has multipul personalities and a father who left when he was five. They were both alcoholics as well as heroine users. His father just recently was admitted to a mental institution and has tried committing suicide. This lead my husband on his last beinge almost 2 weeks ago. I told him that if he continues on this path he will end up like his father. Alone and left to drown in his own drunk world. He has admitted he has a problem and really blames himself because he "loves" alcohol.
Keep with a positive attitude, only you can control you!! With your daughter be sure to let her know that you are ALWAYS there. She needs your support. I don't know how old your daughter is but my oldest is 8 and understands more than I would like him to. You are making the right choice in comming to people for help. I have just bacome a member myself and it is a great relief to know I am alone in this unpleasing situation. My heart and prayers go out to you and your daughter,
maryl:cube:
I can relate and hope you nothing but the best. The first step is that you have admitted to yourself that you deserve a better life. Don't forget that!! I have children as well and they do get effected by what there suroundings bring. My husband grew up with a by polar mother who has multipul personalities and a father who left when he was five. They were both alcoholics as well as heroine users. His father just recently was admitted to a mental institution and has tried committing suicide. This lead my husband on his last beinge almost 2 weeks ago. I told him that if he continues on this path he will end up like his father. Alone and left to drown in his own drunk world. He has admitted he has a problem and really blames himself because he "loves" alcohol.
Keep with a positive attitude, only you can control you!! With your daughter be sure to let her know that you are ALWAYS there. She needs your support. I don't know how old your daughter is but my oldest is 8 and understands more than I would like him to. You are making the right choice in comming to people for help. I have just bacome a member myself and it is a great relief to know I am alone in this unpleasing situation. My heart and prayers go out to you and your daughter,
maryl:cube:
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Welcome 2stay!
I am so glad you have found us! Support is something that you can never get enough of. We all know all about the EXCUSE thing.
My husband says that he is having a bad day or that I make him feel that way or one of his customers gave him a hard time or maybe someone looked at him cross-eyed. WHATEVER!!!!!
Bottom line is THEY do not need any excuse to drink. They just DRINK!!! WE can not control what they do. So we must control what we do! No one has the power to MAKE us feel bad. Not if we do not let them. He will only get help when he is ready.
Attend a meeting, read and keep coming back! YOU'LL be glad you did!!!
matters
I am so glad you have found us! Support is something that you can never get enough of. We all know all about the EXCUSE thing.
My husband says that he is having a bad day or that I make him feel that way or one of his customers gave him a hard time or maybe someone looked at him cross-eyed. WHATEVER!!!!!
Bottom line is THEY do not need any excuse to drink. They just DRINK!!! WE can not control what they do. So we must control what we do! No one has the power to MAKE us feel bad. Not if we do not let them. He will only get help when he is ready.
Attend a meeting, read and keep coming back! YOU'LL be glad you did!!!
matters
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: fresno Ca
Posts: 68
matters and 2stay,
I couldn't agree with you more! I have a wonderful book I've read called The Power Of Now by Ekart Toll. It is a wonderful book! This book is about living in the now, not in last week or what happened years ago or even 5 minutes ago. We can do nothing to change that, but we can do something about the future. And if we do look at the past it should be for productive reasons, such as not to make the same misteak or how to handle a situation differently. This book has been of great value to me. Not only have I learned to deal with life in general better ,but I most importantly have seen that I have to set boundaries. Not only am I setting boundaries for my home but also when it comes to other issues like my mom. Long story. Lets just say that I have practically raised my mom and still is. She not only depends on me for emotional support but also financially and in every which way. I have not loaned her money since I have read this book and have establies more healthier relationships all around. Keep yourself open and take it all in, you will be glad you did.
Didn't mean to ramble on. Take care of yourselves and think positive!!!
Lots of hugs!!!
Maryl
I couldn't agree with you more! I have a wonderful book I've read called The Power Of Now by Ekart Toll. It is a wonderful book! This book is about living in the now, not in last week or what happened years ago or even 5 minutes ago. We can do nothing to change that, but we can do something about the future. And if we do look at the past it should be for productive reasons, such as not to make the same misteak or how to handle a situation differently. This book has been of great value to me. Not only have I learned to deal with life in general better ,but I most importantly have seen that I have to set boundaries. Not only am I setting boundaries for my home but also when it comes to other issues like my mom. Long story. Lets just say that I have practically raised my mom and still is. She not only depends on me for emotional support but also financially and in every which way. I have not loaned her money since I have read this book and have establies more healthier relationships all around. Keep yourself open and take it all in, you will be glad you did.
Didn't mean to ramble on. Take care of yourselves and think positive!!!
Lots of hugs!!!
Maryl
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Canandaigua.NY
Posts: 21
bad weekend
hello everyone, well my husband has been home on pass and spent the major part of the weekend in bed sleeping except for when it was time to get up to eat. back to his old eating ways agin. the diet has gone to pot. had bad yelling session again this morning, had the lawn work to do, he was thinking about doing it, but of course I eneded up doing it. Im totally disabled, but someone had to do. it cost too much money to have someone do it these days. spilled pop on the florr, her just about had a fit, why bother cominghome,if they spend all the time in bed. is suppose to get out in 2 weeks and go back to work, wonder if that will ever happen. right now were living on very ;lowincome, as hes not getting fll pay. had a temper tantrum, and shouted Im the man. then went to bed, has been in rehab soince may. any suggestions. thanks
red
red
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
Hi RedRose - sorry to hear that things are not going well with your husband at home. Just wanted to let you know that if you start a new thread of your own, you will likely get more responses that way rather than posting about needing advice at the bottom of a thread that has been started by someone else. I know you are struggling and having a hard time right now, and the other members on the forum will have a better opportunity to reply to you if you start a thread of your own.
Have you read the power posts at the top of the forum yet? There's lots of help and good suggestions there too.
Love and hugs.
Have you read the power posts at the top of the forum yet? There's lots of help and good suggestions there too.
Love and hugs.
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