Starting to hate the one I love!
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Starting to hate the one I love!
Hi! My first time here. My husband and I have been together 13 years. During the past four years his drinking has increased to the point that I have a hard time remembering why I fell in love with him. He used to be my best friend. For over a year, I've had a hard time feeling anything but ANGRY with him.
He drinks only when he is off work. When he's not drunk, he has cried and admitted his problem and his fear of the way alcohol has a hold on him. He spoke to our family doctor, who encouraged him to quit and told him that was something he had to decide for himself. He is willing to go to counseling with me, but he does nothing to make an appointment. (So I have - we'll start in a week or so.) I know he is unhappy and angry with himself....
BUT... I don't see any sign of the slightest effort on his part to do anything about his drinking. He makes it look like he's just nursing beers, but he constantly goes into the kitchen to "sneak" a shot of whiskey. He keeps it in the garage, too, and makes excuses to go out there. If I "catch" him, he becomes defensive and angy and accuses me of trying to be his "mother" and of spying on him. I told him I'd rather he didn't hide it, so at least I don't have to distrust him. But, he still "sneaks."
My biggest problem is STUFFING ALL THIS ANGER ALL THE TIME! I don't dare confront him most of the time, even with the best communication skills, because he gets ugly with me and, if he's had enough to drink, he says really hurtful, crushing things. The next day he doesn't remember saying any of it and apologizes.
I wish I could strap him down, put a gag in his mouth and just VENT! Hopefully, we can really talk in therapy, because, in front of other people, he likes to put on his "nicest guy in the world" persona.
Sometimes I look at him snoring away on the couch after he passes out too early in the evening to be any company to me and I think, "I hate you!" I don't want to hate him. I want my husband back!
It's so hard to separate the illness from the person. Any tips for dealing with this except growing more and more distant from him?
Thanks!
He drinks only when he is off work. When he's not drunk, he has cried and admitted his problem and his fear of the way alcohol has a hold on him. He spoke to our family doctor, who encouraged him to quit and told him that was something he had to decide for himself. He is willing to go to counseling with me, but he does nothing to make an appointment. (So I have - we'll start in a week or so.) I know he is unhappy and angry with himself....
BUT... I don't see any sign of the slightest effort on his part to do anything about his drinking. He makes it look like he's just nursing beers, but he constantly goes into the kitchen to "sneak" a shot of whiskey. He keeps it in the garage, too, and makes excuses to go out there. If I "catch" him, he becomes defensive and angy and accuses me of trying to be his "mother" and of spying on him. I told him I'd rather he didn't hide it, so at least I don't have to distrust him. But, he still "sneaks."
My biggest problem is STUFFING ALL THIS ANGER ALL THE TIME! I don't dare confront him most of the time, even with the best communication skills, because he gets ugly with me and, if he's had enough to drink, he says really hurtful, crushing things. The next day he doesn't remember saying any of it and apologizes.
I wish I could strap him down, put a gag in his mouth and just VENT! Hopefully, we can really talk in therapy, because, in front of other people, he likes to put on his "nicest guy in the world" persona.
Sometimes I look at him snoring away on the couch after he passes out too early in the evening to be any company to me and I think, "I hate you!" I don't want to hate him. I want my husband back!
It's so hard to separate the illness from the person. Any tips for dealing with this except growing more and more distant from him?
Thanks!
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Indiana
Posts: 7
Hi Leslie!
I am new here too so I don't have much advice but when you said watching him snoring on the couch & you think "I hate him" I do the EXACT same thing!
I have so much anger in me now too I don't know what to do with it. I dare not say a word to him though, I know better than that now.
I am going to call monday about al-anon meetings. I hope I can help myself better that way.
Take Care
2stay_or_go
I am new here too so I don't have much advice but when you said watching him snoring on the couch & you think "I hate him" I do the EXACT same thing!
I have so much anger in me now too I don't know what to do with it. I dare not say a word to him though, I know better than that now.
I am going to call monday about al-anon meetings. I hope I can help myself better that way.
Take Care
2stay_or_go
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: sarnia ontario
Posts: 128
If you decide to vent at this therapy session I would urge you to do a couple of things for your safety.
1. Pack an emergency bag....put in it a couple of phone numbers of people you need (your best friend, mother, counsellor)....night clothes....cash.....and make sure you hide it. Put it in the trunk of the car or somewhere where you figure it will be safe.... Just in case.
2. Reason I suggest this is because therapy when one person is using and can be volatile when using.....has a tendancy to sometimes get worse rather than better at first. Certainly this isn't always the case.....but it is enough times to be prepared just for that contingency.
One of the things I learned in the womens side of the family violence counselling I did was that....when a person is drinking and angry or hurt....they can act out in ways that they wouldn't normally. When we drink, our thought capacity is diminished and when we are hurt and angry it becomes even more so. We go into the fight/flight scenario and often times for guys it is the fight that wins out.
I am not saying that permanent separation would be necessary....or even that separation would be. Just that if you have kept everything inside for so long and are hoping to beable to finally speak your mind during therapy....while he may act very nice and polite etc INFRONT of the counsellor......afterwards things can be very different. Often times a man who has never really been violent before.....THIS is the time when they lose control and do things that they sincerely regret later on.
So, while it is great that you are going.....and while it might be the very thing you need to do......I just sincerely hope that you do what is necessary to keep yourself safe should things turn out differently than you hope for.
God bless
1. Pack an emergency bag....put in it a couple of phone numbers of people you need (your best friend, mother, counsellor)....night clothes....cash.....and make sure you hide it. Put it in the trunk of the car or somewhere where you figure it will be safe.... Just in case.
2. Reason I suggest this is because therapy when one person is using and can be volatile when using.....has a tendancy to sometimes get worse rather than better at first. Certainly this isn't always the case.....but it is enough times to be prepared just for that contingency.
One of the things I learned in the womens side of the family violence counselling I did was that....when a person is drinking and angry or hurt....they can act out in ways that they wouldn't normally. When we drink, our thought capacity is diminished and when we are hurt and angry it becomes even more so. We go into the fight/flight scenario and often times for guys it is the fight that wins out.
I am not saying that permanent separation would be necessary....or even that separation would be. Just that if you have kept everything inside for so long and are hoping to beable to finally speak your mind during therapy....while he may act very nice and polite etc INFRONT of the counsellor......afterwards things can be very different. Often times a man who has never really been violent before.....THIS is the time when they lose control and do things that they sincerely regret later on.
So, while it is great that you are going.....and while it might be the very thing you need to do......I just sincerely hope that you do what is necessary to keep yourself safe should things turn out differently than you hope for.
God bless
Paused
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: indiana
Posts: 25
I don't post here often, but occasionally come to read. The good news is, my husband has been sober a year and he's back to being his best self and the man I've loved for more than half my life.
So your post touched me, because I remember those passed-out-on-the-sofa days, and the frequent errands to the garage, and especially the fear and anger.
What worked for me: Al-Anon, here and in local meetings. Also reading UNDER THE INFLUENCE by Milam, and GETTING THEM SOBER (bad title; no one but the individual can do this) and learning about this disease. That's what it is. You wouldn't hate your husband if he had diabetes or some other chronic illness. You would encourage him to do what it takes to get better.
What I learned from Al Anon is to let go and take care of myself, stop trying to "make" him stop and reach out for support.
Our watershed moment came about when I took a serious step--separation of assets supervised by a lawyer. Seeing the plan on paper shook him awake and the next day, he was with an AA counselor and started the 90 meeting in 90 days routine. He actually did more like 180 meetings in 90 days--often 2 per day, sometimes 3.
This is a guy who hates going to the doctor, does not follow an organized religion and thinks support groups are for the birds. But he came to love his meetings, to bond with some of the people there and now he's reaching out to others and taking on a leadership role in the community. (I can't tell you how weird it feels to be typing this!) He still attends several meetings a week, and we're back to the calm and contentment, the friendship and love that was missing during the drinking.
I count my blessings every day. This was one of the first places I dared to reach out, and I'm so grateful this forum was here when I needed it.
There's no magic pill. But KEEP COMING BACK, IT WORKS.
marie
So your post touched me, because I remember those passed-out-on-the-sofa days, and the frequent errands to the garage, and especially the fear and anger.
What worked for me: Al-Anon, here and in local meetings. Also reading UNDER THE INFLUENCE by Milam, and GETTING THEM SOBER (bad title; no one but the individual can do this) and learning about this disease. That's what it is. You wouldn't hate your husband if he had diabetes or some other chronic illness. You would encourage him to do what it takes to get better.
What I learned from Al Anon is to let go and take care of myself, stop trying to "make" him stop and reach out for support.
Our watershed moment came about when I took a serious step--separation of assets supervised by a lawyer. Seeing the plan on paper shook him awake and the next day, he was with an AA counselor and started the 90 meeting in 90 days routine. He actually did more like 180 meetings in 90 days--often 2 per day, sometimes 3.
This is a guy who hates going to the doctor, does not follow an organized religion and thinks support groups are for the birds. But he came to love his meetings, to bond with some of the people there and now he's reaching out to others and taking on a leadership role in the community. (I can't tell you how weird it feels to be typing this!) He still attends several meetings a week, and we're back to the calm and contentment, the friendship and love that was missing during the drinking.
I count my blessings every day. This was one of the first places I dared to reach out, and I'm so grateful this forum was here when I needed it.
There's no magic pill. But KEEP COMING BACK, IT WORKS.
marie
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hi Leslie
I wanted to jump in here and welcome you to the forums.
I think your therapy/counseling is a start and maybe this will help your hubby realize he has a problem to the extent that he needs help. But of course, I am sure you heard it before - unless he wants to do something about it there is nothing that we can do.
So we begin to take care of ourselves, we try to detach (which is easier said than done but possible!). Please read the posts around the boards especially the power posts at the top of the forums. If you haven't tried an al-anon meeting, you might want to give it a shot.
Make yourself at home and keep coming back
Many hugs,
Debbie
I wanted to jump in here and welcome you to the forums.
I think your therapy/counseling is a start and maybe this will help your hubby realize he has a problem to the extent that he needs help. But of course, I am sure you heard it before - unless he wants to do something about it there is nothing that we can do.
So we begin to take care of ourselves, we try to detach (which is easier said than done but possible!). Please read the posts around the boards especially the power posts at the top of the forums. If you haven't tried an al-anon meeting, you might want to give it a shot.
Make yourself at home and keep coming back
Many hugs,
Debbie
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: fresno Ca
Posts: 68
I am so sorry to know that you are going through so much. I am new also and just started this yesterday. I already know that I am not alone and there is lots of advice for you here.
My husband and I have been married 3 years in Aug. I can relate I have gotten to the point to where I have told him that I love and care for him but I am no longer in love with him. That was tough!! But it is a sad truth. He has not drank since I told him this over a week ago. All I can say is when you have to become the care taker because he can't handle it , it is a lose lose situation. I don't intend to let my kids and I continue to be affected by his disease if he is not willing to get help. Your husband has said he has a problem but as I told my husband that means nothing if you don't have a plan of action. Action means they are no longer in denial. I told my husband he has broken too many promises, I don't want to hear these "it will be better" speeches. I want to see it. That is exactly what he is doing. Meetings are the next thing. Patience Patience patience. Good luck to you. I will keep you in my prayers.
maryl
My husband and I have been married 3 years in Aug. I can relate I have gotten to the point to where I have told him that I love and care for him but I am no longer in love with him. That was tough!! But it is a sad truth. He has not drank since I told him this over a week ago. All I can say is when you have to become the care taker because he can't handle it , it is a lose lose situation. I don't intend to let my kids and I continue to be affected by his disease if he is not willing to get help. Your husband has said he has a problem but as I told my husband that means nothing if you don't have a plan of action. Action means they are no longer in denial. I told my husband he has broken too many promises, I don't want to hear these "it will be better" speeches. I want to see it. That is exactly what he is doing. Meetings are the next thing. Patience Patience patience. Good luck to you. I will keep you in my prayers.
maryl
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
Hi Leslie. I am also new, and wanted to tell you this is the best place for you.
I have also been through the experiences you describe. I have only been with my husband for the past 5 years, and married for the last two of them, but his drinking has pushed me to the point that I have a hard time remembering why I fell in love with him also. He used to be my best friend too. For the last year I've also had a hard time feeling anything but ANGRY with him. Unfortunaely it made our whole relationship miserable, I just couldn't stuff my anger anymore. It became all too often that I'd look at him snoring away on the couch after he passes out too early in the evening to be any company to me and I'd think, "I hate you!" I didn't want to hate him. I wanted my husband back too!
I didn't have Al Anon, and I just complained and controlled and cried until he didn't want to be at home at all.
Al Anon can help you to find the solution that will work for you. I attended my first face to face this week and plan to keep going back. I hope you do the same.
I have also been through the experiences you describe. I have only been with my husband for the past 5 years, and married for the last two of them, but his drinking has pushed me to the point that I have a hard time remembering why I fell in love with him also. He used to be my best friend too. For the last year I've also had a hard time feeling anything but ANGRY with him. Unfortunaely it made our whole relationship miserable, I just couldn't stuff my anger anymore. It became all too often that I'd look at him snoring away on the couch after he passes out too early in the evening to be any company to me and I'd think, "I hate you!" I didn't want to hate him. I wanted my husband back too!
I didn't have Al Anon, and I just complained and controlled and cried until he didn't want to be at home at all.
Al Anon can help you to find the solution that will work for you. I attended my first face to face this week and plan to keep going back. I hope you do the same.
Guest
Posts: n/a
(((Leslie)))
You story sounds very familiar to me. I am new here as well. I have been married for 13 years. My husband lies about his drinking, and hides bottles. He only drinks at night after the kids go to bed. I have threatened to leave him several times. He promises he will stop drinking, and does for awhile, then it starts again. Untill recently, I kept all of this a secret. Then I caught him stealing my pain meds that I need for a chronic pain condition. I took the kids and left (this was just a few days ago) I went to an Al-anon meeting and felt much better. He has promised he will quit again. He convinced me to come back because he went to 1 AA meeting (he has not been back) and he started therapy which he hasn't done before. He's not drinking as far as I know. He still doesn't think he has a drinking problem. He says it's all his other problems that lead him to drink. Classic denial! I don't trust him at all and I can't stand the stress.
The best advise I can give you is get help for yourself. You cannot live with all of that anger. Do you go to therapy? Al-anon is very helpful, meetings are plentiful, and it's free! If you would like to talk, please feel free to e-mail me.
Maria
The best advise I can give you is get help for yourself. You cannot live with all of that anger. Do you go to therapy? Al-anon is very helpful, meetings are plentiful, and it's free! If you would like to talk, please feel free to e-mail me.
Maria
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Hey leslie rae,
I wanted to stop in and welcome you to a great place! We share lots of things here that let us know that we aren't alone and can get advice when we want it.
I wish I could have better advice this evening, but everything I try to write sounds like I am telling you what to do.....so I'll have to leave it at a welcome this evening. (somedays I am better at this than others!)
Constant
I wanted to stop in and welcome you to a great place! We share lots of things here that let us know that we aren't alone and can get advice when we want it.
I wish I could have better advice this evening, but everything I try to write sounds like I am telling you what to do.....so I'll have to leave it at a welcome this evening. (somedays I am better at this than others!)
Constant
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