Help me detach, please!
Help me detach, please!
Hi
A bit of background to those who don't know me (haven't been on here for a good while):
I'm married 4 years to an RA with 15 years sobriety, known him 7 years. I didn't know him in his drinking days and in my naivety I had no idea that living with a recovering alcolholic could be so difficult.
He's in his early 50s - lost his much loved career thru his drinking and has a lot of baggage. He's a really good man but at this stage I'm not even sure I still love him.
Our life together goes from drama to drama.
He's in a job he hates but is afraid to leave in case he won't get another, has a 14 year old daughter to support.
I'm guilty of co-dependancy, ennabling, trying fix everything for him and seem to be unable to detach. I have no peace in my life.
Having a rotten week. Hubby was very ill last week, is better physically now but emotionally and mentally he is way down, and its coming out in anger, moodiness, touchiness. I can't say right for saying wrong. Nothing is good in his life, he's told me he even has suicidal thoughts as a way out of the job he detests but is too afraid to leave for fear of not getting another - this situation comes along about twice a year and this is the second time he's been like this this year.
He lashes at me verbally, is paranoid about everyone and everything. He's distant, cold, angry and I can't seem to detach from it. I support, listen (while he's ranting about it all and swearing like a trooper), I tell him not to snap at me, I walk out of the room, I cut short phone calls or phone him only to be snapped at.
I'm at my wit's end and out of my depth. I'm dragged right down today.
He doesnt believe in counselling, only AA and alienates everyone there too. With him it's his way or the highway. Black and white thinking.
I know there's no easy answer - and I'm sorry for the long moan. Honest, I just want a peaceful life and he seems to need drama all the time.
I'd love to hear your thoughts. I can't get to Alanon for various reasons, plus he's totally opposed to it - calls the meetings 'gossip shops'.
Thanks for listening.
S
A bit of background to those who don't know me (haven't been on here for a good while):
I'm married 4 years to an RA with 15 years sobriety, known him 7 years. I didn't know him in his drinking days and in my naivety I had no idea that living with a recovering alcolholic could be so difficult.
He's in his early 50s - lost his much loved career thru his drinking and has a lot of baggage. He's a really good man but at this stage I'm not even sure I still love him.
Our life together goes from drama to drama.
He's in a job he hates but is afraid to leave in case he won't get another, has a 14 year old daughter to support.
I'm guilty of co-dependancy, ennabling, trying fix everything for him and seem to be unable to detach. I have no peace in my life.
Having a rotten week. Hubby was very ill last week, is better physically now but emotionally and mentally he is way down, and its coming out in anger, moodiness, touchiness. I can't say right for saying wrong. Nothing is good in his life, he's told me he even has suicidal thoughts as a way out of the job he detests but is too afraid to leave for fear of not getting another - this situation comes along about twice a year and this is the second time he's been like this this year.
He lashes at me verbally, is paranoid about everyone and everything. He's distant, cold, angry and I can't seem to detach from it. I support, listen (while he's ranting about it all and swearing like a trooper), I tell him not to snap at me, I walk out of the room, I cut short phone calls or phone him only to be snapped at.
I'm at my wit's end and out of my depth. I'm dragged right down today.
He doesnt believe in counselling, only AA and alienates everyone there too. With him it's his way or the highway. Black and white thinking.
I know there's no easy answer - and I'm sorry for the long moan. Honest, I just want a peaceful life and he seems to need drama all the time.
I'd love to hear your thoughts. I can't get to Alanon for various reasons, plus he's totally opposed to it - calls the meetings 'gossip shops'.
Thanks for listening.
S
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Sorry you are stuck in so much drama and that you are living with such abuse.
I do have to ask why it matters that he is opposed to you going to AlAnon. Its not for him but for you. He doesn't have to like it. If he chooses not to truly get into recovery ther isn't anything you can do to change that. You can only work on understanding yourself and your needs/issues.
For me individual therapy has done wonders. It helped a great deal to have a dispassionate party point out some of my behaviors that I could not recognize on my own that were hampering my personal recovery.
I do have to ask why it matters that he is opposed to you going to AlAnon. Its not for him but for you. He doesn't have to like it. If he chooses not to truly get into recovery ther isn't anything you can do to change that. You can only work on understanding yourself and your needs/issues.
For me individual therapy has done wonders. It helped a great deal to have a dispassionate party point out some of my behaviors that I could not recognize on my own that were hampering my personal recovery.
Hi Sophia,
I am sorry you are going through such abuse. Have you by chance read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie? Many of us have recognized ourselves in it, and have gotten a lot out of it.
It sounds as though you are immersed in his wants & needs & demands and drama.
It doesn't have to be so -- that book, Al-Anon meetings, and a few sessions with a private counselor helped me to create a step-by-step plan to realign my life so that it was about ME, not about someone else. Only then could I calmly and compassionately bring my life into balance. You may wish to pursue a similar path.
Know that you are among friends here.....lots of folks who have gone through what you're experiencing. I hope you will stay with us and keep posting, asking, seeking. There is a lot of wisdom here, I've discovered.
Hugs,
GL
I am sorry you are going through such abuse. Have you by chance read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie? Many of us have recognized ourselves in it, and have gotten a lot out of it.
It sounds as though you are immersed in his wants & needs & demands and drama.
It doesn't have to be so -- that book, Al-Anon meetings, and a few sessions with a private counselor helped me to create a step-by-step plan to realign my life so that it was about ME, not about someone else. Only then could I calmly and compassionately bring my life into balance. You may wish to pursue a similar path.
Know that you are among friends here.....lots of folks who have gone through what you're experiencing. I hope you will stay with us and keep posting, asking, seeking. There is a lot of wisdom here, I've discovered.
Hugs,
GL
Hey Sophia, sorry your feeling so bad today. I was thinking the best way to try and offer you some tips and I realised that I cannot as each situation is so different. However, for me one thing that really helped me to begin to understand about detaching was the following thread...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rty-lines.html
It is in the sticky section under 'classic reading' if you haven't done already I would have a thorough read through these stickies. They have been the main eye openers and driving force behind my recovery so far.
Lily xxxxxxxx
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rty-lines.html
It is in the sticky section under 'classic reading' if you haven't done already I would have a thorough read through these stickies. They have been the main eye openers and driving force behind my recovery so far.
Lily xxxxxxxx
Still thinking of you Sophia, I have found another thread on detachment, also from 'Recovery' sticky.
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/frie...detaching.html
Lilyxxxxxxxxxx
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/frie...detaching.html
Lilyxxxxxxxxxx
Thanks so much for your support, everyone, and for those links, Lilyflower. Very thoughtful of you.
There's so much good stuff in there I've just forgotten and need to be reminded of.
I read 'Codependant no more' about 2 years ago and it's me to a tee...it helped a lot at the time, but I've obviously let things slide and lapsed into my rescuing ways.
I've love some private counselling, but money is tight and there's no free/low cost counselling here. Maybe in the new year I might mangage a few sessions. I havent the strength at the moment to battle with him over Alanon.
I've always had weak boundaries when it comes to other people and have been drawn to people I think I can help, suppose because it made me feel good, needed and 'worthy'. My self-esteem has always been low.
I have to say when I married him I never saw this coming...he was like a different person then, charming, funny, loving...I have to accept responsibility for allowing him to treat me as I have.
I'm afraid of anger, always have been, grew up in an angry home and will anything to appease people. I get the shakes when anger is directed at me and I'm nearly 50!
I find it so hard to stand up for myself, get all defensive and try to make things better...a doormat in other words and i'm ashamed of it.
With your support here I'll put effort into focusing on me again and try to not be so enmeshed in his dramas.
I'll be posting a lot more so I hope you'll bear with me, I'm such a wimp
S
There's so much good stuff in there I've just forgotten and need to be reminded of.
I read 'Codependant no more' about 2 years ago and it's me to a tee...it helped a lot at the time, but I've obviously let things slide and lapsed into my rescuing ways.
I've love some private counselling, but money is tight and there's no free/low cost counselling here. Maybe in the new year I might mangage a few sessions. I havent the strength at the moment to battle with him over Alanon.
I've always had weak boundaries when it comes to other people and have been drawn to people I think I can help, suppose because it made me feel good, needed and 'worthy'. My self-esteem has always been low.
I have to say when I married him I never saw this coming...he was like a different person then, charming, funny, loving...I have to accept responsibility for allowing him to treat me as I have.
I'm afraid of anger, always have been, grew up in an angry home and will anything to appease people. I get the shakes when anger is directed at me and I'm nearly 50!
I find it so hard to stand up for myself, get all defensive and try to make things better...a doormat in other words and i'm ashamed of it.
With your support here I'll put effort into focusing on me again and try to not be so enmeshed in his dramas.
I'll be posting a lot more so I hope you'll bear with me, I'm such a wimp
S
Thanks so much for your support, everyone, and for those links, Lilyflower. Very thoughtful of you.
There's so much good stuff in there I've just forgotten and need to be reminded of.
I read 'Codependant no more' about 2 years ago and it's me to a tee...it helped a lot at the time, but I've obviously let things slide and lapsed into my rescuing ways.
I've love some private counselling, but money is tight and there's no free/low cost counselling here. Maybe in the new year I might mangage a few sessions. I havent the strength at the moment to battle with him over Alanon.
I've always had weak boundaries when it comes to other people and have been drawn to people I think I can help, suppose because it made me feel good, needed and 'worthy'. My self-esteem has always been low.
I have to say when I married him I never saw this coming...he was like a different person then, charming, funny, loving...I have to accept responsibility for allowing him to treat me as I have.
I'm afraid of anger, always have been, grew up in an angry home and will anything to appease people. I get the shakes when anger is directed at me and I'm nearly 50!
I find it so hard to stand up for myself, get all defensive and try to make things better...a doormat in other words and i'm ashamed of it.
With your support here I'll put effort into focusing on me again and try to not be so enmeshed in his dramas.
I'll be posting a lot more so I hope you'll bear with me, I'm such a wimp
S
There's so much good stuff in there I've just forgotten and need to be reminded of.
I read 'Codependant no more' about 2 years ago and it's me to a tee...it helped a lot at the time, but I've obviously let things slide and lapsed into my rescuing ways.
I've love some private counselling, but money is tight and there's no free/low cost counselling here. Maybe in the new year I might mangage a few sessions. I havent the strength at the moment to battle with him over Alanon.
I've always had weak boundaries when it comes to other people and have been drawn to people I think I can help, suppose because it made me feel good, needed and 'worthy'. My self-esteem has always been low.
I have to say when I married him I never saw this coming...he was like a different person then, charming, funny, loving...I have to accept responsibility for allowing him to treat me as I have.
I'm afraid of anger, always have been, grew up in an angry home and will anything to appease people. I get the shakes when anger is directed at me and I'm nearly 50!
I find it so hard to stand up for myself, get all defensive and try to make things better...a doormat in other words and i'm ashamed of it.
With your support here I'll put effort into focusing on me again and try to not be so enmeshed in his dramas.
I'll be posting a lot more so I hope you'll bear with me, I'm such a wimp
S
Be kinder to yourself, you are more capable than you are aware.
Lily xxxxxxxx
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