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Feeling consequences

Old 11-21-2007, 12:50 PM
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Feeling consequences

All my life I have had my grams to get me out of every trouble I have ever had.
And sadly..I never even had to pay a bill or be responsible for anything until 4 years ago. I am 32 years old. Never moved out and have never had to be responsible for anything. Not even my own actions.
I know it is my fault for not wanting to. And alot of my family blame my grams for being a bigtime codependant and super big enabler.
I believe she does have partly to do with it. But it's because she loves me unconditionally and what I go through she goes through.
I hate it that she feels every little mess up I do.
Every court date..Every missed payment anything and it doesnt even have anything to do with her and she takes it on like it is hers.
It kinda frustrates me because for one. I am a bigtime piece of crap for doing the things I do knowing what it does to her. But at the same time. I am 32 years old and I wouldnt be able to take care of myself if I had to.
I havent really been taught the skills to be independant enough to do that.
I was and am still somewhat spoiled. I am like a big huge teenager and it is so freakin pitiful. I cant stand myself.
But since my gramps died in 2003. We dont have the financial means like we use to. He had a very high paying federal government job and I never wanted for nothing.
But when he died...We had only his pention and a few of his investments and what we got for selling our house in Florida and that was it.
It was alot. Altogether I would say 100,000. But my grams likes to spend money too.
It was gone a year after he died.
We moved to NY with it and bought all new furnishings and pretty much started over.
We have been broke for 3 or 4 years now.
My grams gave all her IRA's and stocks and even some of my gramps IRAs away to my dad and aunts years ago. She pretty much gave her saving for retirement away.
So now we struggle.
And I struggle bad because I have never had to be responsible and take life seriously until the past few years.
I feel like an idiot.
And now I am really getting myelf in a whole with these past few relapses and for the first time in my life there is nothing to bail me out. No money and no means to save what I have lost and aaaaam about to lose.
I have faced guns pointed at me and many close to death experiences in the streets. And as stupid as it sounds. None of that has ever stressed me like this financial situation I have gotten myself in.
I feel like I am being thrown to the wolves with no survival experience.
I sound like a big spoiled brat. I know.
But I ave been trying to be responsible and my relapses really affect me bigtime.
Because there is noone but me to dig myself out now.
I am learning the hard way fast how to be a responsible person.
I fear I may never get it right.
Anyone else going through or gone through this?
And I do think alot of my addiction came from me being spoiled and always getting away with everything in life so I never took my addiction seriously.
I got high because I liked to and I could and noone was going to tell me any different.
If I got in trouble..I just called grams and all was taken care of for me.
Well Finally she is finally giving tough love and letting me see what its like to go without and face my own actions.
I need that.
And I am so glad she is finally doing it.
I feel like the biggest loser ever. Especially when I know what I could have been and where I should be in life if it wasnt made so easy for me.
Just a thought thats been rolling around my head all day.
Sorry for the rant. But needed to get it out.
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Old 11-21-2007, 01:08 PM
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Thanks for sharing.

When I was faced with with my own actions and consequences, I really began to change in my life. When I couldn't see any way out but to start from where I was climbing out the hole, I was forced to learn responsibility that required action. Nothing happened when I wished or just thought what I wanted with my life. But when I got to the end of myself with consequences I really realized that I wanted to be different than I had been so I started making necessary changes.

It's not easy but there is great strength in taking responsibility and righting the wrongs and fixing things in your life. You will start to feel good about yourself.
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Old 11-21-2007, 01:15 PM
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As hard as it is for me lately to have to deal with my own $hit for the first time. I welcome it and am glad I have to face my own actions finally. Its scary and I may not like it most of the time. But it is what I need. And have needed for a long long time.
Mygrams isnt going to live forever. Then what???
I am screwed if I dont get this going now with her guidance.
It sucks.. But I know it is what I need and will make me a better person for doing so. MAy even help in ym recovery.
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Old 11-21-2007, 02:08 PM
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Thumbs up My responsibilities....

All my life I have been too serious and I thought responsible for others more than myself. I knew my drinking was making me irresponsible to myself and others....but to admit it was something else. Plus the whole idea of owning my part of situations was hard to do.

After I sobered up and got help for my depression, I found myself again and worked to get myself back to a responsible person that could enjoy life and other people. :comfort

I wanted to be rid of my shame and behaviors that drove people away from me...especially my family. I had lost weight and had this very red face with sore places that looked revolting. I told people that I had adult acne when I actually had a red face because I was allergic to the alcohol I put into my body every day.

It took nine months of sobriety before my red face went away...just like my doc told me when I asked him. That was one great reward for me when my red face was gone.

I now know what responsibilities are mine and take action when I need to. Our kids are all raised and on their own and now we have grandkids coming to visit. Life is so good being sober.

kelsh
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Old 11-21-2007, 03:16 PM
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Hey Chiy, Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are not a loser. You are a gift from God to your grams, to your family and friends and to us here. I haven't gone through exactly what you are going through, but learning how to live sober has made me feel like a big, useless baby A LOT. I have cried, I have whined, I have been miserable to my husband, I have been cranky, I have gotten upset about the stupidest little things...just like a two year old!! About all that is left is to lay down on the floor and have a big ole temper tantrum and my regression will be just about complete.

Seriously, you know you have issues, you're doing your best to face them, you've made mistakes, do your best to get things going in the right direction now.

I am too new to this whole sober game to give you better advice than that, and I wish I could help more, but you have lifted me up at some of my lowest times, so I hope my care and concern will help carry you along through this new time in your life too. Your emergence as an independent adult. You can do it Chiy! Hugs
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Old 11-21-2007, 11:20 PM
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First of all you are NOT a loser. Period. You messed up. Join the club. You know what you need to do and that is the first step here.

Besides that, I can so totally relate to you. My nana raised me part time when she could. I love that women and would give her my life for how many times she dug me out and how much love she gave me. But she is old and sick now. She barley knows who I am. A few years back I had to dig myself out of some extreme debt. It was hard, and it really sucked. I cleaned houses part time on my own besides another job. I made good money doing it but it was humbling. I ate a lot of top ramen and read alot of books. Finally I made it out of debt. And you can get on top of your game too. I know you can and I don't even "Know" you.

If you were a real loser you wouldn't even be on here. You would be with out a concious and not caring about your situation.

Everyday get up and find something good about your life. When you catch yourself beating yourself up stop it. It is just self defeating. Focus on anything positive you possibly can. Slowly and surely more good will come into your life. Obviously you have a gram and people on here that care about you and believe in you. Now all you have to do is feel that for your self. Good luck to you - when you survive this you are going to be so much wiser and will have lead others by your integrity.

Love and light!
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Old 11-22-2007, 12:53 AM
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I was initially having a very difficult time dealing w/your post. My husband and I came from lower middle class, given nothing but lots of love and advice, faced our own consequences and eventually struggled our way into the "upper class". (My DOC was alcohol and I have been successfully treated w/antidepressents and therapy--NOT AA!).

We've had many problems along the way (usually financial, some children related) and would have longed for a little help but never expected it (mainly because it wasn't there).

After feeling somewhat disgusted by your post, I have come to realize you were unfortunately brought up in a very bad situation.--could have easily been me in the same place. I feel for you and hope you can find your way out of this mess at your age.

You may have to start from the very beginning--ie.formal education. If you have no money available, money is there for you by the government. It's going to be a long struggle but you will begin to gain some confidence and self-esteem if you choose a goal (begin w/short term goals) and gradually move-up from there.

I truely wish you the best of luck and am sorry for the situation that you now find yourself in. Take one small step at a time and you may find yourself to have great potential that you never realized before.


jane
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Old 11-22-2007, 03:08 AM
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bravo grams...

and miss chiy, we all in recovery have come to learn a thing called growing up!

and sist'a, that dont come easy... it is doable, some quicker then others...

remember, what it said about age and stoping the drink/drug...

for me, i'm a 54 year old man, living in the mind of a 18 year old, dang... too bad my body feels my age!

chiy, you remember the old game show...

"Truth, or Consequences"

thats what we face!

love ya, and hope you have a ok thanksgiving!

rz
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Old 11-22-2007, 04:31 AM
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Chiy -

Girl, I definitely know how you feel about consequences.

I actually was raised to be responsible and supported myself for 28 years. Unfortunately, I am just now learning to be responsible with money. 4 years ago I was making $40/hour and bought pretty much what I wanted....a lot on credit cards.

Fast forward to now...I'm making $3.13/hour plus tips and I am having to pay $11,000 to 2 of those credit cards I ran up. That, plus car, insurance, and other stuff are really making me struggle.

I've worked out a payment plan with the creditors and will be paying them for years. This is the first time in my life where I'm only buying what is absolutely necessary.

The only thing that gets me through a lot of days is knowing that as long as I stay clean, keep working, pay bills, and don't run up unnecessary bills, eventually I will be past paying for the consequences.

You are NOT stupid....in fact you are very wise to realize what brought you to where you are. I truly believe that as long as we stay clean, we can get through the consequences. I have never been so broke in my life, but on the other hand, I have never felt so good about facing my challenges and finding a way to work them out.

You're doing great, and I am so glad to see you posting.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 11-22-2007, 06:41 AM
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First of all you are not a loser!
Some times it really helps to see our thoughts in writing. Helps clarify it some how.
When you find yourself at the bottom of that deep deep well you have to try not to focus on the light at the opening. Face the wall, look for hand holds and start climbing.
I appreciate your post and honesty. You can do this. So you will be able to return the help to your Grams when she will really need it.
Good luck to you,
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Old 11-22-2007, 07:01 AM
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Originally Posted by chiynita View Post
I feel like the biggest loser ever. Especially when I know what I could have been and where I should be in life if it wasnt made so easy for me.
Hi chiy:

It's perfectly natural for us to feel like losers when we lose something. Don't get into shoulda, coulda, woulda thinking because the past is the past, and I don't know of anyone who has been able to change the past. You are going to beat yourself up, and in the end, you still have to face your problems after you get through beating yourself up.

You are going through some difficulties in life right now. DO NOT DRINK! When you drink, you are just going to add to the difficulties that you have right now and who needs more problems in life? Forgive me if I am being too straightforward here, but I hate to see people do this to themselves. God knows I have done it to myself.

Peace.
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Old 11-22-2007, 07:04 AM
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Originally Posted by f911 View Post
I was initially having a very difficult time dealing w/your post. My husband and I came from lower middle class, given nothing but lots of love and advice, faced our own consequences and eventually struggled our way into the "upper class". (My DOC was alcohol and I have been successfully treated w/antidepressents and therapy--NOT AA!).

We've had many problems along the way (usually financial, some children related) and would have longed for a little help but never expected it (mainly because it wasn't there).

After feeling somewhat disgusted by your post, I have come to realize you were unfortunately brought up in a very bad situation.--could have easily been me in the same place. I feel for you and hope you can find your way out of this mess at your age.

You may have to start from the very beginning--ie.formal education. If you have no money available, money is there for you by the government. It's going to be a long struggle but you will begin to gain some confidence and self-esteem if you choose a goal (begin w/short term goals) and gradually move-up from there.

I truely wish you the best of luck and am sorry for the situation that you now find yourself in. Take one small step at a time and you may find yourself to have great potential that you never realized before.


jane
I appreciate your post. And I hope I did not take this wrong. And if so I really do apologise.
But My family came from the gutter. Not until my grams married her 3rd husband did she finally have the financial security we had. I was 5 then. The rest of my family also worked their asses off to get where they are.
I am not sure what you meant about formal education. But I held very high grades in school. Was accepted to various colleges but never went past the entrance exam because I was too busy being..Well an addict.
I am sorry you had a hard time with my post.
Really my whole point to this was that life was made too easy for me for a very long time.
I was loved very much by everyone in my family and given numerous opportunities to further my education and be something. I had alot of advice and guidance. It was my choice to be a slacker and just hang out and be an addict thinking And kinda knowing I always had my grams to fall back on. I have always had a job since I was 14 years old. I am not ignorant and am very capable of doing what I have to do.
My problem is I struggle because I was never made to.
When I say I wasnt given the skills to be independant. I meant I was never made to.
I just wanted to clear that up.
My upbringing was a life saver. My father was an alcoholic and my mother has been missing since I was 5. So if not for my grams. I would be who knows where.
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Old 11-22-2007, 07:16 AM
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Originally Posted by f911 View Post
given nothing but lots of love and advice
what more do you want??
if i'd have been given love and advie maybe i would have been alrite now!
i don't think it's a coincidence, for example, that my sister who was given love and advice has never gotten into any kind of trouble.
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Old 11-22-2007, 09:10 PM
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Chynita

You sound like you know what the problem is. Now......when are you going to work hard to fix it? Do you go to any 12 step meetings? I have been sober 10 months and it has been a miracle in my life and the lives of all the people I love. Go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps with your sponsor. IT WORKS! I feel for you because it sounds like you want help and know you need help. It also sounds like you are still looking for someplace outside yourself to place the blame of your problems. If you are truly spoiled, then do something totally selfish for yourself. Get sober. Stay sober. Talk with others who understand and you will find that at the meetings. I won't tell you it's easy, but I will tell you it's real simple. My life has changed so much. I don't feel worthless, guilty, remorseful and weak anymore. I don't have to. I have found a higher power that can do for me what I can't do for myself. I will keep you in my prayers.
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Old 11-22-2007, 09:22 PM
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Sorry if I bothered anyone. Obviously I'm out of the loop.

Happy Thanksgiving.

jane
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Old 11-22-2007, 09:52 PM
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Originally Posted by chiynita View Post
I feel like the biggest loser ever. Especially when I know what I could have been and where I should be in life if it wasnt made so easy for me.
I think we all look back and ponder the question about what things could have been like if things had been different. I know we're not supposed to, but we do. What would life be like if this happened, or that happened, or if I wouldn't have done this or that. Or even would have done this or that, would things be different for me.
I plan on asking myself those same questions in ten years. Will I be able to make a good healthy report when I answer myself. I hope so. Will I have done everything right? Probably not. I will have done what I thought was the best things I could have done with what I had to work with.
Today is the day to start making tomorrows reflections happy ones. Close the door to yesterday. It's done and gone and there isn't anything you can do about it. It's just bringing you down. Open the door to a new life just as you closed the one that's behind you and let er rip.
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Old 11-23-2007, 11:05 AM
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It's funny in a way. In a 20 year addiction..the last 13 of them being pretty hardcore street use. Not until just before I joined this board this past March did I ever think about really getting sober and making it a priority in life.
I have relapsed several times since then. And with every relapse came another extreme in consequences. An extreme in everything that came along with the relapse really.
In May I was ready to seriously give up life. I didnt want to be an addict anymore and trying to get sober was too hard and disappointing. I went to the ultimate extreme. And had it not been for my cousin by chance finding me. I would not be here posting right now.
After that...I still relapsed a few more times. But I have noticewd tho..That with every relapse since then. I learn from it.
Everyone keeps telling me do the steps..I've been told what I have to do to get sober...I know all that already. And have tried it as well. Maybe not as hard as I should have. But enough to see that certain ways are not for me. It doesnt necessarily mean I am doing it "MY" way. I am just trying every possible avenue I see. Because if it was my way. I wouldnt even try anything at all.
I do know I can not do it alone and I dont. My grams is a 8 year recovering alcoholic. My father also has 20 some years sober. But I dont talk to him anymore...sadly. I have a super wonderful family who knows how to lay down that tough love without making me feel unwanted.


Anyway...my point is...I was thinking this today. I am finally for the first time feeling the consequences on my own. I hate this stupid piece of crap job I have right now. My truck is falling apart. I got tickets and court and bills up to here. And for once...Noone to bail me out. It's scary. But you know what. I feel humbled by it. And I feel a sense of accomplishment for having to suffer and dig myself out for once. Does that sound odd?
It is stressful at times..But more so I welcome it and am glad I am going through it in a way.
Does that make sense?
And with every slip in anything in my life lately. I take something with me from it. I am learning the hard way. And...I kinda like it.
Anyway..enough rambling. I have just been really thinking in depth lately about myself. And it goes past just my addiction. I think of my behavior..personality..reactions...how I deal with things and think about stuff now.
I guess I am searching myself and learning about the me that I want to be.


And F911...You did not bother me....anyway. And there is no loop here.
I just hope you know that just because I was spoiled that I was also loved very much and shown the way. I CHOSE to be the way I am. I chose to pass all those opportunities by that would have made me a more independant person. Because I knew my grams loves me so much. There wasnt anything in this world I could do that would make her turn her back on me. That was my point. Please dont think it was in anyway a negative response to you.
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Old 11-24-2007, 01:22 PM
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Chy, So you hate your piece of **** job, your truck is falling apart and you have court and bills and tickets. You're being treated by tough love. Honey, you've been tough enough to yourself. When you stay messed up for twenty years, that's tough. I'm glad you've got people who love you in your life. Wonder how they sleep at night, wondering where you are and what you're doing. You've tried 12 steps, ya da ya da ya da...Have you REALLY TRIED or did you just show up wanting someone to fix you. Girl, get real, you're the only person who can fix this. When you're really ready to give up the "high" you'll be willing to surender and instead of depending on relatives to give you support, you'll go to people who have been where you are and then you'll get real help. Hell, what have you got to lose. Sounds like you've lost enough already. I'll pray for you.
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Old 11-24-2007, 01:24 PM
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One more thing. Are you straight when you post. It doesn't matter, honey, just keep posting. Sometimes it helps just to get the poison out.
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Old 11-24-2007, 03:11 PM
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I was going to post something out of "As Bill sees It" here, but my wife cleaned the house and I can't find anything.
Bill warns us somewhere around page 306 of trying to fix everything at once. This being unrealistic can only lead to disillusionment in sobriety. My expectations of sobriety were too high and it just wasn't happening the way I wanted it. Therefore it was a constant struggle. I had visions of a perfect life where things happened just like they do on TV. I was even expecting a cartoon Bluebird to come land on my shoulder from time to time. It just didn't happen the way I wanted it to. Things were a mess and they got worse than they ever did when I was drinking. I just didn't know how to handle life as a sober person. I've never done that before. God only knows what kept me going and kept me from drinking again. I wasn't seeing the results I expected and thought I deserved. What a crock of sh*t this sobriety is, I was happier when I was drinking.
Anyways, I hung in there and stayed on the wagon like I promised and things eventually got better. It sure took it's dear sweet time getting here, but it did. It was so slow that I didn't notice any changes in myself or my life. I do when I look back at the mess I was in and see the difference now. Things still aren't perfect by a long shot. The Ghosts of my past are still being resurrected from time to time and they probably will for years to come. I'm trying to keep it to a minimum since I'm out doing amends. I'm trying to get them before they get me. But they are still there.
Be patient. It will not come quickly. Do not be discouraged at a lack of progress, or at least a perceived lack of progress. Things are happening. You just don't see it right now. Your vision is a little blurred.
BTW, my POS Truck just turned a quarter million miles, but it gets me to my sucky job and back.
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