JustFedUp

Just sittin around and feel like doing a brain dump. Just trying to gather my thoughts I suppose. My life is perfect, with the exception of that nasty little demon alcohol. Honestly and truly. I have a blessed life, always have. My dad always said I "can fall into a barrel of sh!t and still come out smelling like roses". And that's the honest to God's truth. I think I have some heavy duty lookin over me from up above or something. My problems and angst are so insignificant in comparison to some of y'all on here, as well as other folks in my life, which makes me feel incredibly selfish as a person.

I went out yesterday evening with a single girlfriend of mine so she could unload, and go over her "man" problems, as well as discuss all our other friends and their "man" problems. I just sat there thanking my lucky stars and looked forward to going home to my "A". He's not a man *****, is WAY more respectful than any of these loser men we talked about, loves me for me, yada yada yada, the list goes on....

Maybe I'm just too friggin picky. 90% of the time when he's loaded he's not an azz, just stupid and slurry. which drives me up the flippin wall . Could I be way too much of a perfectionist? Maybe I'm too demanding of the "perfect life"?

I dunno, he's a good man, I just loathe him when he drinks, and to be quite realistic about it all (since I did a checking on the recovery #'s) he's probably never gonna stop. Do I just get over the fact that he'll drink himself into an early grave, or do I fight toothe and nail to do whatever I can to get him to stop? And yes I realize I have no control over him or his drinking, but do I fight for the life I want with him or just let it go? I DON'T want to let it go, but I DON'T want to be destroyed when he destroys himself, know what I'm sayin?

Anyway, just jotting down my thoughts.

JustFedUp

And I'm not really lookin for sympathy here, just some cold hard truth's and experiences. I don't want "sugar coating", I loathe the "it'll be alright", because I'm smart enough to know that it won't.

I'd actually like to hear from some of you ladies that have chosen to live with an "A", and maybe some ideas as to how you do it without going absolutely insane. How do you love someone and stay with someone without totally losing yourself to their illness?

ODAT

I am not one of those who stayed-forever-through-thick-or-thin-no-matter-what people who you are hoping to hear from. I am one who, threw in the towel fairly quickly in quite a few relationships. Certainly, my first husband I should probably have left a lot sooner than I did (although, now I honestly don't know about that either), my second marriage lasted a whole 3 months. First sign that he was going back to using and I was outta there quicker than anything. And in between the marriages there were several broken engagements....mostly by me who had made the choice and was firm in my choice that I just didn't wanna be around someone who drank alot or exhibited alcholic behaviours.

I was told once that I was waiting for perfection and that if I continued to do that, I would be very lonely. Now, I don't know if that is exactly true or not.....I have certainly gone through a long period of being on my own....but, the loneliness that comes from being on ones own is honestly, nothing compared to the intense loneliness that can come when you look over to the other side of the bed, see him snoring...and STILL feel so very much alone. I think that maybe that has something to do with expectations....see when they are there I tend to expect to be happy....expect them to be a certain way....and when they fail, or I am still unhappy.....I tend to allow resentment to fall in there. "Why am I ALWAYS the solid one.....why can't HE....." etc. etc.....and I think that it is often those failed expectations that tend to make me feel miserable, rather than what is actually going on.

Some of the things that I am learning about happiness is that it isn't something that happens 'when'. It is something that happens now....sometimes....and in order for me to 'catch it' I have to be able to sit/stand still long enough to let it find me. All the times I left the relationships thinking "I simply can NOT put up with this or that" and then a few months down the road there it is again.....and each time thinking that I will be happy when......I find this guy.....he stops drinking.....I break up with this guy......I find another apartment.....I get another job......I finally have this baby.....my butt stops hurting (after childbirth).......when the baby is out of diapers....when she is walking.....talking......when she is going to school......on and on it can go ....

When I really stop to consider and look at my life.....one of the things that I have to come to realize is that one of my defects is that I tend to be a complainer......I tend to focus on what is wrong with things rather than on what is right....I tend to worry about things way down the road without having any REAL clue as to how they will turn out......and I can really really make myself miserable by focusing on all of these things......rather than the simple, little things that are going on right before my eyes.

For some reason.....am not totally sure off yet.....its almost as if I am AFRAID to be happy.....afraid to relax.....and so in order to stop that happening I create all kinds of things to prevent it. I stay too long in relationships I shouldn't and probably I have left too fast in some that I should have stayed.

What I am learning....all out here on my own......no alcoholic around to really pin the blame on......is that regardless of who is in my life.....I have to claim responsability for my own head space, my own thoughts and my own feelings. Because ultimately no one else is truly to blame. So really what am saying in regards to my relationship (and I can't speak for anyone else here) is that stay or leave....in a relationship or not......I have to be responsible for my own happiness....and that comes from within, not from people or circumstances outside of myself.

JustFedUp

Good points Taira.

I've always been a very "Happy Go Lucky" kinda person. Not a whole lot bothers me. I'm one of those eye rollers doing the whole "whatevva" LOL. It just torks my azz to no end, that I've been able to spend my life skippin along, singin laddy daddy dee, life is good LOL, then HE has to go and get addicted to alcohol and screw up my oh so happy, go lucky life. It's just not right, and it goes against my whole plan of being the "Ms Thang, got it all" life. The BasTARD! LOL

Debbie

Hey JustFedUp

There are so many times I have said "What if" - I never met him, never moved in with him, never fell in love with him - and the list goes on. I suppose after I say the "What if's", I then realize that this has got to be part of the great plan for me. Not sure why because my plate always seems to be full but there has to be some unknown reason.

Who knows, down the road I may leave and have a totally different life but right now I stay because I do love him and I still have hope that the life that includes him will be happy again. Until then I try to make myself happy and keep on doing what I gotta do.

I am sure this hasn't helped at all but your post has made me think.....lol

I am sure you still are "Ms Thang"

Take care.
Many hugs,
Debbie

JT

Justfedup,

For me it is simple. I stay because there is more good than bad. Ward loves me and takes care of me and worry's about me. More and more he is there with the right words when I need him. He is responsible and honest and faithful. He is a good provider. All of the things I want in a husband. And, yes, he drinks too much. He has flaws.

Our relationship has grown up through the years and had I left I would not have what I have today. It is my resposibilty to look for the good and not the bad. After alot of years that has become second nature to me...I am blessed.

There is no one on this earth that can give me all I want,,,only I can do that. If Ward gets fuzzy, I flip on the TV, grab a book or come here. I don't know what I would do if he was awake and alert until 10 every night....! That had become MY time.

There are degrees of dysfunction and I know me. I would not stay with him if he cheated, didn't work or abused me. I am happy the way things are...what if I succeeded in changing him? Who knows what I would end up with??

Hugs,
JT

Summer

This is a good post. I am also wondering what am I still doing here and putting up with this? Mine too drinks way too much. He is not abusive, doesn't cheat and is still working. It's those expectations that I have let go of. Every time he says he's going to get help, do this or that, I need to forget about it and let him figure it out himself. I'm trying to look for the good and not the bad all the time. I guess I wish so much that he would move forward like he says he will than doesn't is what brings me down. I know what I have to do, focus on me instead of him, it's just hard sometimes trying to have a life without someone I live with, someone who's emotionally unavailable because he's too focused on his drinking.....again it's those damn expectations!
Summer

Gabe

I think the answer is different for everyone. And I think the question is "what is best for me?" If staying in the relationship is truly the best thing for you, then stay you should. If leaving the relationship will ultimately make your life better, it's time to go. In my opinion, a relationship isn't working if you are no longer getting anything good out of it. When it comes to decisions about your happiness, I hope that everyone will be particular. Don't ever settle for less than you deserve.
Peace,
Gabe

constant

Gabe you hit the nail right on the head! Everyone has different expectations and needs. If we are happy with ourselves it makes it much easier to see our needs clearer.

My A is a wonderful provider for this family....he has always been faithful and has never physically abused the children or me. After I started working the program last summer, I started seeing things about me that I could change to make my life happier. When I started practicing these changes my hubby began to see them and he has changed too.

I have done tons of weighing out good and bad.......I have come to realize that right now, staying pro-active in my recovery and with the changes my hubby has made that we can do this; however, if things had remained the way they were last summer, I would not have been able to stay. The bad would have out weighed the good. I am blessed that for now things are good and I am trying to focus on everyday and not "predict" the future. My hubby is also working at our relationship.....to me that means a lot......we all know that ONE person can not "fix" it, but with both of working on it we stand a chance!

Constant

JustFedUp

Thanks All! You've been incredibly helpful. Some days I feel like I have LOSER stamped on my forehead LOL, then other days I feel like I'm "all that and a bag O chips" LOL. Thanks for letting me think out loud. My thoughts go all over the place sometimes, it's all pretty much venting.

Overall I think I'm a very blessed individual and thank God everyday for what I do have. Life's too short to dwell on the negative.

spedteach

Okay, JustFedUp,
Here's my 2 cents worth to add to the pot! My dh has never cheated, loves me, takes good care of me and son, is a great listener, one of the smartest people I know, very good looking (in my opinion after 12 years of being together!), and I could go on and on..he's all of these things sober...
Drinking, he's never hit me, never cheated on me, but is verbally an a$$, thinks he's right about EVERYTHING!, and comes and goes when he pleases.

For me, we've had a lot more GOOD times then bad times and that is a reason I stick around. I've set my boundaries, as I too am a happy go lucky person, let things roll off my shoulders and have decided that no more..I am not going to put up with it...

The times between his drinking bouts are longer and longer..I mean there is more and more time of soberity...and he's on meds now to which help immensely! If he drank all the time like he does every now and then, I know I couldn't have made it this far! I also know that HE doesn't want this life for himself anymore...that he wants US...that makes things easier in my mind to know I am making the right decision for me!

You brought up some good thoughts and the responses have been very interesting and varied!
Thanks!