Midnightfrost

I've been home for about 4 or 5 days sick. Hence all the posting lately I'm finally feeling better. I'm working hard on dealing with emotions and working through them and not just shoving them down and not feeling them. But sometimes I don't know what to do with them. i've been told for so long that what I felt and thought was wrong I always feel like I don't have the right perspective.

Today I went to the doc. I was hacking up a lung this morning and I wanted to get checked out before i went back to flying. I got a ride from my landlord. But when i called about getting picked up she asked if I could take the bus. But then she was like Well just wait there and I'll call you and let you know if I can come get you or you should take the bus. Ok the bus is really sketchy out here and after dark in the ghetto is even sketchier. And its a fair hike from the bus stop to my place. And its cold and I'm sick. But my phone was almost dead and my feelings were hurt so I just took the bus.

I give the landlord 20 extra dollars a month because she does drive me around and feed me often and I also bought a train pass because I think its ridiculous for her to play taxi for everyone but when i really did need a ride I was really upset I was stranded in not the greatest part of town. And then had to walk in the dark by myself home. Obviously I made it safely but I just don't know what to do with the anger now I guess. Part of me wants to just push it away. And part of me doesn't think i have a right to be angry cause she does do so much.

Then when i got in one of the roommates asked about pitching in $50 dollars each to buy the land lord an oven for Christmas. I don't usually do christmas gifts because i think the consumerism overshadows the holiday and i already spent my gift giving money on a gift for her daughters birthday(it hasn't arrived yet. . . bday is a few weeks away). She's special needs and I love her to bits and I wanted to get it for her for months. But I think an oven is a bit excessive. Now I'm worried that the roomy thinks I said no cause I didn't get a ride and I'm partially wondering if I did it out of anger but 50 is a lot of money in the slow season. I don't know. There is a loooong unorganized post for you. Feeelings EEEEEEkkkkk! To boot this whole mother in jail thing is taking its toll too. I'm exhausted :morning

Ahimsa

it IS exhausting. I know exactly how you feel. Even when it's nice and quiet, your head is just going a million miles an hour, and it wears you out. I too am just getting over a cold, and just when I thought I was feeling better, I had to see my evil mother tonight. Sorry to hear the jail thing is starting to wear on you. It's so hard, because even though she is safe and sound in there now, she won't always be tucked away behind bars. And the prospect of her getting out is so scary because the future is so...out there. Anything could happen. I have thought about turning my mom in before when she drives just so I know where she is and what she's doing while she's in there. Any news on when she'll be out???

Regarding the oven bit - it's hard making ends meet, and if you already pay her a little extra each month, I don't think you should feel guilty about the rides. It sounds like you two are relatively close, and she probably does it out of the love of her own heart. Don't worry too much about what the roommates think. Cover expenses you feel are necessary. I second you on the over-consumerism of Christmas.

Wascally Wabbit

Just be honest with the roomey and tell him you don't have the money. You can't squeeze money out of a rock. If it isn't there is isn't there! Dont' feel guilty about it either. You have enough stress on you right now.

Let me add that I have made it clear to my own family this year that I will not be spending much. I have bills and I just can't do it this year. No one complained!

Midnightfrost

Thanks Wascally and Ahimsa! Happy holidays too. I was honest with him and let him know I couldn't afford it. I haven't heard anything else about it. I was just feeling bad about it. But your right. If its not there to give what can you do. No word on when mother will be out Ahimsa. She's not accepting the deal they offered her at the moment and the court date is set for the beginning of December. I know its partly just the holidays in general too. They were never pleasant growing. Part of me wants nothing to do with them at all and part of me is pretty hurt I haven't heard from a single family member. Even though part of me dreads hearing from them cause they are so dysfunctional. Guess there is that part of me that still wants a family that can be there and be supportive.

I was a mess yesterday so I walked to the park and read and looked at all the beautiful fall foliage. Did me a world of good. Got home and felt all icky again. I'm frustrated with another relationship too. I feel like I've been fairly open about how I feel about one of my roommates and he at times seems to return the feelings and then other times acts distant. Why do emotionally unavailable people seem so attractive? I was trying to give him time and space but I've known him for almost a year. If he can't be clear how he feels now I doubt he ever will be. Time to move on I'm thinking. I'm debating just asking him out right about it. . . . but I don't know. . . . boys!

Ahimsa

Sorry to hear your mom is being stubborn, hopefully more time there might help her have some kind of realization. Maybe it's a blessing she's in there for the first part of the holidays, gives you time to just be thankful for YOU, and do things that YOU want to do. Roomie: I guess you could ask him out right about how he feels (I am assuming you have some kind of romantic feelings for him), but if he isn't being open about it now, I don't know what asking him about it will accomplish. I spent 5 years trying to do that, pry into someone and get to a place he just never wanted to be. Once I had an experience that was so totally opposite of "emotional-unavailability", I can see how much time I wasted trying to get into the heart of a completely closed off person. It's nice to have your feelings and emotions reciprocated for once Happy Thanksgiving, and let's be thankful that we still have so much time left in our lives that we can work on having future *happy holidays* filled with people who love and respect us. Until then, here is a Thanksgiving *hug*, and wishes for a peaceful quiet day for you

Midnightfrost

Thanks! I'm at work right now. Very peaceful and quiet here. That's kinda how I was feeling about it too. Asking if he's closed off won't help any how. We'll see. We won't be home together for a while so I have some time to think on it. I hope your having a great holiday. If I head home for the holiday I know it'll be one filled with people who do care for me. And if I'm working its all good too. I just got a bit overwhelmed yesterday. Here is a returned Thanksgiving hug ((Ahimsa))

Uncertain Me

Midnightfrost --
I'm glad you are feeling better today; your post reflects the greater peaceful feeling you write about.

I just wanted to say that your response to feeling angry is soooo normal! I have so many troubles trying to decide how to best respond to my anger. I managed to learn how to stuff it during the 28 years I've been with my husband - his absolute avoidance of confrontation and angry feelings helped me to bury mine in an attempt to make him feel ok. Now I'm giving myself permission to be angry, and I keep trying to find ways to watch how I am angry and what I'm angry at. I think I'm doing ok, but I also worry about my sons having learned how to squash their angry feelings... If it's not one thing to worry about it's another.


I too wonder what it would be like to have an emotionally available partner. I want it to be my husband, but right now that's not happening. I know I was attracted to him, though, because he wasn't emotional; I could determine what and how emotions were expressed and he let me tell him what that meant -- not the most healthy way to go!

Anyway, I just wanted to give you another person's e-hug and hope for a good Thanksgiving.

(((((Cheers))))))

Me

Wascally Wabbit

Hey Midnight! I am all alone today and LOVE it!! Tee hee, I feel like a little kid with the house all to myself. It's Thanksgiving, and I am thankful for the peace!! I have my granddaughter, 2, and her mother living with me, so every hour of peace is a treasure.

i once read a book and for the life of me I can't remember what it was, but it was about husband hunting. The advice was to quit wasting time and energy on people who are not in to you. Focus on finding the person who is. Sorta like going shopping. You stay away from the fruit with bad spots on it, and pick up the clean, fresh ones.
Hope you feel better. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone here.

Engawa

Just to offer another point of view.... she does drive you around a lot and $20 per month for rides AND food (plus the time it takes to do both, and the cost of gas and groceries these days, etc.) is really not a lot. I don't want to sound harsh, but you might want to rethink things because it sounds like you were bitter about the ride. If you really can not afford the $50, be honest, but find something else you can do to repay this woman's kindness. Also, speaking as someone who spent a lot of time giving rides to someone who wasn't all that grateful, be careful about getting mad on those rare occasions when she can't accommodate you or she might not be willing to come out by her self "to the ghetto" to pick you up. You sound like you're in pain, so I'm sure things are emotional, but for the sake of harmony with someone who is helping you, try to see things from all sides.

Midnightfrost

Thanks for that point of view Engawa. It's more that its a fairly dysfunctional situation. I need to move. I've already decided to move in the spring. There is no doubt in my mind she knows how grateful I am. I show it all the time. I'm one of the few that attempts to make my own way to and from the airport(which oddly enough seems to offend her). Its a dysfunctional situation. So there is no simple answer . . . I just need to move. The landlord and I have bonded so I was more upset that someone that I had bonded with kinda abandoned me. . . . I'm sorry someone used and abused you that way though. I used to be the only one with a car in a group and it was very upsetting when people thought they were entitled to my being their chauffeur. I get frustrated that other people expect that of the landlord as well.