New to this site
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Miami, Florida
Posts: 6
New to this site
I had major trouble with the registration but finally I was able to get someone to help me for the past three days I have been reading what alot of you had written and I am amazed that I am not alone. My husband is currently in rehab in Delray Beach a place called The Beachcomber. really nice place on the beach I have been though soooo much with this man going on ten years I am 32 we have two children and in the begining I was all for the party BUT I GREW UP he still thinks he is eighteen and life is a party .I read a thread from: duet_4-8 a work in progress....
Are you wondering when the pain stops? I havent stopped reading it for the past three days since I found this site I have read it to everyone who will listen. I am at the point where I am tired so tired of worrying of crying of the cheating of the lying the bad times are definately out weighing the good I dont even remember the good anymore I realize I am a major enabler I often make excuses like he is sick he has this disease its not really him I know he wouldnt do these things to our family if he was straight but I am at a crossroads do I leave or do I stay anyone been there and chose to stay? where are you now in your relationship? anyone chose to get out? how is your addict now and how are you I know everyones circumstances are different but another prospective on the situation would be helpful...
Thanks!
Are you wondering when the pain stops? I havent stopped reading it for the past three days since I found this site I have read it to everyone who will listen. I am at the point where I am tired so tired of worrying of crying of the cheating of the lying the bad times are definately out weighing the good I dont even remember the good anymore I realize I am a major enabler I often make excuses like he is sick he has this disease its not really him I know he wouldnt do these things to our family if he was straight but I am at a crossroads do I leave or do I stay anyone been there and chose to stay? where are you now in your relationship? anyone chose to get out? how is your addict now and how are you I know everyones circumstances are different but another prospective on the situation would be helpful...
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Faith~Hope~Love
Posts: 963
Hi Laflaca -
Just want to give you a warm welcome and say I'm glad you are here. Some stay, some leave, but everyone has a different situation and only you will know what the right choice is for you. I left my alcoholic husband over 20 years ago, but it was a process getting to the point where I was ready to do that. Others will be along soon to share their stories and their ES&H (experience, strength and hope). It helps so much just knowing we're not alone
Just want to give you a warm welcome and say I'm glad you are here. Some stay, some leave, but everyone has a different situation and only you will know what the right choice is for you. I left my alcoholic husband over 20 years ago, but it was a process getting to the point where I was ready to do that. Others will be along soon to share their stories and their ES&H (experience, strength and hope). It helps so much just knowing we're not alone
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Welcome Laflaca,
My son is my addict so I'm not much good on the relationship end. I do understand though the turmoil and the pain. Know that we have all been where you are and hope that your knowledge that you gain on this site will be helpful.
krhea
My son is my addict so I'm not much good on the relationship end. I do understand though the turmoil and the pain. Know that we have all been where you are and hope that your knowledge that you gain on this site will be helpful.
krhea
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: ca
Posts: 103
Welcome, laflaca. You have come to the right place. I am glad that your husband is in rehab and I hope that he is willing to turn his life around.
My husband is addicted to cocaine. We have been together for 9 years, married for 3. His addiction went full tilt shortly after we were married. I can relate - I, too, was all for the party but also GREW UP - my husband's addiction just GREW and GREW until it was out of control. I tried to minimize the probelm by enabling him and making his life as comfortable as possible...I did everything for him except wipe his butt. A few months ago I was in a similar position as you...coming to grip with the crazy reality that had become my everyday life and wondering when I should leave. I don't have to tell you that with addiction black becomes white and white, black. Everything is upside down.
Things started to clear up for me when I realized that the best thing I could do for both of us was to focus on myself first. Nothing I was doing worked. I was (and still can be) sad, angry, manipulative, controlling. Pick any descriptive word from the list of codependent symptoms. I started attending NarAnon (which I would highly suggest when you're ready) and started working my own program. I set boundaries for myself. With all the craziness going on it was something I could hang on to. I have a hard time honoring my boundaries but I am working on it.
I have decided to stick by my husband as long as he is in recovery. He is attending an intensive outpatient program, along with meetings. The important thing here is that I am working my own recovery, he is working his. I have been close many times to leaving and I think many people close to me think I should leave, and maybe someday I will. My husband was on day 10 and relapsed yesterday. I don't know what it will take for him to take charge and turn the bus around. It's the most difficult thing. It's a horrible thing to say, but there are times when I wish my husband had cancer, because it would be an easier disease to understand.
There are a million reasons for you to leave. There are probably a million more to stay. No one can determine when you've had enough except for yourself. You will do what is right for you and your children. If you haven't realized it yet, this process will make you realize how strong you really are. It has for me.
Good luck. Keep reading.
My husband is addicted to cocaine. We have been together for 9 years, married for 3. His addiction went full tilt shortly after we were married. I can relate - I, too, was all for the party but also GREW UP - my husband's addiction just GREW and GREW until it was out of control. I tried to minimize the probelm by enabling him and making his life as comfortable as possible...I did everything for him except wipe his butt. A few months ago I was in a similar position as you...coming to grip with the crazy reality that had become my everyday life and wondering when I should leave. I don't have to tell you that with addiction black becomes white and white, black. Everything is upside down.
Things started to clear up for me when I realized that the best thing I could do for both of us was to focus on myself first. Nothing I was doing worked. I was (and still can be) sad, angry, manipulative, controlling. Pick any descriptive word from the list of codependent symptoms. I started attending NarAnon (which I would highly suggest when you're ready) and started working my own program. I set boundaries for myself. With all the craziness going on it was something I could hang on to. I have a hard time honoring my boundaries but I am working on it.
I have decided to stick by my husband as long as he is in recovery. He is attending an intensive outpatient program, along with meetings. The important thing here is that I am working my own recovery, he is working his. I have been close many times to leaving and I think many people close to me think I should leave, and maybe someday I will. My husband was on day 10 and relapsed yesterday. I don't know what it will take for him to take charge and turn the bus around. It's the most difficult thing. It's a horrible thing to say, but there are times when I wish my husband had cancer, because it would be an easier disease to understand.
There are a million reasons for you to leave. There are probably a million more to stay. No one can determine when you've had enough except for yourself. You will do what is right for you and your children. If you haven't realized it yet, this process will make you realize how strong you really are. It has for me.
Good luck. Keep reading.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Washington State
Posts: 1
Hello and welcome. I am sorry to meet under these circumstances. I have been so enveloped in my own issue that this is the first response post I have posted.
I could have almost written your story. Together off and on for almost 11 yrs married to each other twice during that time this last time was in July 05. My daughter is 2. My husband had just shy by amonth 6 yrs sober and three weeks ago I found out he had relapsed. I have gone threw relapse with him before and currently have one foot out the door. I am sick over this and it has consumed my life afecting my work, family and friendships. I really dont have much advise to give but if you are anything like me I keep hoping someone will just tell me what to do. Everything I do now is for myself and my daughter. There is only so much work I can put into this and It pisses me off that I put more into it then he has.
If you find the magic answer please let me know and until then I hope we can lean on each other for support
Heather
I could have almost written your story. Together off and on for almost 11 yrs married to each other twice during that time this last time was in July 05. My daughter is 2. My husband had just shy by amonth 6 yrs sober and three weeks ago I found out he had relapsed. I have gone threw relapse with him before and currently have one foot out the door. I am sick over this and it has consumed my life afecting my work, family and friendships. I really dont have much advise to give but if you are anything like me I keep hoping someone will just tell me what to do. Everything I do now is for myself and my daughter. There is only so much work I can put into this and It pisses me off that I put more into it then he has.
If you find the magic answer please let me know and until then I hope we can lean on each other for support
Heather
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Miami, Florida
Posts: 6
Thank you for your kind words I hope to gain the strength and insight I need to come to a decision I feel as if I have spent half my lifetime trying to change him.
your words have helped.
your words have helped.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Miami, Florida
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by turtlegirl 
Hello and welcome. I am sorry to meet under these circumstances. I have been so enveloped in my own issue that this is the first response post I have posted.
I could have almost written your story. Together off and on for almost 11 yrs married to each other twice during that time this last time was in July 05. My daughter is 2. My husband had just shy by amonth 6 yrs sober and three weeks ago I found out he had relapsed. I have gone threw relapse with him before and currently have one foot out the door. I am sick over this and it has consumed my life afecting my work, family and friendships. I really dont have much advise to give but if you are anything like me I keep hoping someone will just tell me what to do. Everything I do now is for myself and my daughter. There is only so much work I can put into this and It pisses me off that I put more into it then he has.
If you find the magic answer please let me know and until then I hope we can lean on each other for support
Heather
I could have almost written your story. Together off and on for almost 11 yrs married to each other twice during that time this last time was in July 05. My daughter is 2. My husband had just shy by amonth 6 yrs sober and three weeks ago I found out he had relapsed. I have gone threw relapse with him before and currently have one foot out the door. I am sick over this and it has consumed my life afecting my work, family and friendships. I really dont have much advise to give but if you are anything like me I keep hoping someone will just tell me what to do. Everything I do now is for myself and my daughter. There is only so much work I can put into this and It pisses me off that I put more into it then he has.
If you find the magic answer please let me know and until then I hope we can lean on each other for support
Heather
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Miami, Florida
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by holdingouthope
Welcome, laflaca. You have come to the right place. I am glad that your husband is in rehab and I hope that he is willing to turn his life around.
My husband is addicted to cocaine. We have been together for 9 years, married for 3. His addiction went full tilt shortly after we were married. I can relate - I, too, was all for the party but also GREW UP - my husband's addiction just GREW and GREW until it was out of control. I tried to minimize the probelm by enabling him and making his life as comfortable as possible...I did everything for him except wipe his butt. A few months ago I was in a similar position as you...coming to grip with the crazy reality that had become my everyday life and wondering when I should leave. I don't have to tell you that with addiction black becomes white and white, black. Everything is upside down.
Things started to clear up for me when I realized that the best thing I could do for both of us was to focus on myself first. Nothing I was doing worked. I was (and still can be) sad, angry, manipulative, controlling. Pick any descriptive word from the list of codependent symptoms. I started attending NarAnon (which I would highly suggest when you're ready) and started working my own program. I set boundaries for myself. With all the craziness going on it was something I could hang on to. I have a hard time honoring my boundaries but I am working on it.
I have decided to stick by my husband as long as he is in recovery. He is attending an intensive outpatient program, along with meetings. The important thing here is that I am working my own recovery, he is working his. I have been close many times to leaving and I think many people close to me think I should leave, and maybe someday I will. My husband was on day 10 and relapsed yesterday. I don't know what it will take for him to take charge and turn the bus around. It's the most difficult thing. It's a horrible thing to say, but there are times when I wish my husband had cancer, because it would be an easier disease to understand.
There are a million reasons for you to leave. There are probably a million more to stay. No one can determine when you've had enough except for yourself. You will do what is right for you and your children. If you haven't realized it yet, this process will make you realize how strong you really are. It has for me.
Good luck. Keep reading.
My husband is addicted to cocaine. We have been together for 9 years, married for 3. His addiction went full tilt shortly after we were married. I can relate - I, too, was all for the party but also GREW UP - my husband's addiction just GREW and GREW until it was out of control. I tried to minimize the probelm by enabling him and making his life as comfortable as possible...I did everything for him except wipe his butt. A few months ago I was in a similar position as you...coming to grip with the crazy reality that had become my everyday life and wondering when I should leave. I don't have to tell you that with addiction black becomes white and white, black. Everything is upside down.
Things started to clear up for me when I realized that the best thing I could do for both of us was to focus on myself first. Nothing I was doing worked. I was (and still can be) sad, angry, manipulative, controlling. Pick any descriptive word from the list of codependent symptoms. I started attending NarAnon (which I would highly suggest when you're ready) and started working my own program. I set boundaries for myself. With all the craziness going on it was something I could hang on to. I have a hard time honoring my boundaries but I am working on it.
I have decided to stick by my husband as long as he is in recovery. He is attending an intensive outpatient program, along with meetings. The important thing here is that I am working my own recovery, he is working his. I have been close many times to leaving and I think many people close to me think I should leave, and maybe someday I will. My husband was on day 10 and relapsed yesterday. I don't know what it will take for him to take charge and turn the bus around. It's the most difficult thing. It's a horrible thing to say, but there are times when I wish my husband had cancer, because it would be an easier disease to understand.
There are a million reasons for you to leave. There are probably a million more to stay. No one can determine when you've had enough except for yourself. You will do what is right for you and your children. If you haven't realized it yet, this process will make you realize how strong you really are. It has for me.
Good luck. Keep reading.
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Welcome to SR laflaca.
That would be me although making that choice took 2 years. Two years of cocaine/crack abuse, physical abuse, mental anguish and heart ache.......I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired.
You see, for a long time I believed him more than I believed in myself and what I was actually capable of. Every time he'd swear he was going to quit I believed him. You see I loved this man with all my heart and couldn't imagine my life without him in it. He completed me or so I thought at the time and I didn't want to be without him.
Thoughts of "What if" often popped into my head and prevented me from doing what was actually healthy for me. "What if" he got clean for another woman after I had to deal with his addiction? It just wasn't fair. "What if" he does change and we live happily ever after? You get the idea. My thoughts kept me frozen.
After a while when the drug abuse and the physical abuse escalated I just snapped one day. I just knew I wanted out. I can't tell you exactly when or how it came to be but there it was.
Now.......I'm far from a recovery role model LOL. I took him back a few times ....I think now mostly out of loneliness....just needing a body to occupy a chair......snore, make noise or something. I still hadn't gotten used to living by myself you see. Then one day it happened again! I snapped LOL.
There was no chaos with him gone. There was no hiding my purse and anything of any value. I didn't have to worry about the sort of mood he'd be in when I got home. There was no more fighting, no more drama!! I didn't realize how adapt I'd become to living alone and how much I really liked it..........not until he stepped foot back in my door.
I also had to ask myself an important question, one that would move me forward to a a final decision rather than keep me frozen. "What if" he did get clean, but in 6 months......6 years.......20 years....relapsed. Could I go through this again?? Did I want to have to deal with it? Even after a year here and all the recovery tools I'd accumulated, did I want to do this again. No I didn't and unfortunately the chance for a relapse is always there. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life looking for signs and I know me..........it would have been hard. It was equally not fair to him if he were to get clean to have me questioning him all the time. I couldn't do it.
Supposedly he's now been clean for almost a year. I don't know for sure as he lives in a different state. I'm happy for him if that's the case and wish him well, but as I've continued to move forward with my life I just don't see a place for him in it any longer.
I continue to pray for him as I do every addict out there be they in recovery or still lost out there. There was a time when I hated my ex. Then you learn not to hate the addict.........you hate the disease and that helped me to forgive him......but I can't forget.......I just can't do it.
anyone chose to get out?
You see, for a long time I believed him more than I believed in myself and what I was actually capable of. Every time he'd swear he was going to quit I believed him. You see I loved this man with all my heart and couldn't imagine my life without him in it. He completed me or so I thought at the time and I didn't want to be without him.
Thoughts of "What if" often popped into my head and prevented me from doing what was actually healthy for me. "What if" he got clean for another woman after I had to deal with his addiction? It just wasn't fair. "What if" he does change and we live happily ever after? You get the idea. My thoughts kept me frozen.
After a while when the drug abuse and the physical abuse escalated I just snapped one day. I just knew I wanted out. I can't tell you exactly when or how it came to be but there it was.
Now.......I'm far from a recovery role model LOL. I took him back a few times ....I think now mostly out of loneliness....just needing a body to occupy a chair......snore, make noise or something. I still hadn't gotten used to living by myself you see. Then one day it happened again! I snapped LOL.
There was no chaos with him gone. There was no hiding my purse and anything of any value. I didn't have to worry about the sort of mood he'd be in when I got home. There was no more fighting, no more drama!! I didn't realize how adapt I'd become to living alone and how much I really liked it..........not until he stepped foot back in my door.
I also had to ask myself an important question, one that would move me forward to a a final decision rather than keep me frozen. "What if" he did get clean, but in 6 months......6 years.......20 years....relapsed. Could I go through this again?? Did I want to have to deal with it? Even after a year here and all the recovery tools I'd accumulated, did I want to do this again. No I didn't and unfortunately the chance for a relapse is always there. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life looking for signs and I know me..........it would have been hard. It was equally not fair to him if he were to get clean to have me questioning him all the time. I couldn't do it.
Supposedly he's now been clean for almost a year. I don't know for sure as he lives in a different state. I'm happy for him if that's the case and wish him well, but as I've continued to move forward with my life I just don't see a place for him in it any longer.
I continue to pray for him as I do every addict out there be they in recovery or still lost out there. There was a time when I hated my ex. Then you learn not to hate the addict.........you hate the disease and that helped me to forgive him......but I can't forget.......I just can't do it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Bucks County PA
Posts: 1,343
Hi, just wanted to welcome you to SR, the addict in my life is my husband of 11 yrs, we have four kids together. You will find a lot of great support and advice here. Keep reading and keep posting, it really does help. Everyone here helped me immensely during my separation and now too, me and ah are back together and he has 8 months clean. Glad you're here!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Podgorica, Montenegro
Posts: 6
laflaca,
I chose to stay. He is not yet into rehab or anything, he's still just feeling sorry for himself. I chose to stay not for the sake of the relationship, as much for the man I love that is still in there somewhere. Call me mad, but I believe that people can overcome anything if thay are willing. But, only if they are willing THEMSELVES. Be strong and have faith!
I chose to stay. He is not yet into rehab or anything, he's still just feeling sorry for himself. I chose to stay not for the sake of the relationship, as much for the man I love that is still in there somewhere. Call me mad, but I believe that people can overcome anything if thay are willing. But, only if they are willing THEMSELVES. Be strong and have faith!
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