spongebob

I don't know what to think. I know a person can't change overnight. And I know my husband is trying. He went to an AA meeting and he saw a therapist today and is going back on Monday. He isn't drinking as far as I know. He just seemed so determined to change his attitude and everything in order to save his family, but I feel like nothing has changed. He is still self centered, short tempered, and unable to see his lack of help or real concern for my chronic pain condition. Is this typical of an alcoholic? Am I asking for too much to change too soon. I don't want to leave. I do love him, but I also don't know if I am strong enough physically or mentally to do it. My chronic pain condition is flareing like crazy, and I have not slept in days (and he has the nerve to complain that he is tired from doing so much and not sleeping well last night. Interesting that he always seems to have the same problems as me only worse. At least he hasn't tried to claim he has chronic pain!). I also have 3 small children to worry about. They love him dearly, but I hate the harsh way he treats them sometimes. I know you all don't have the answers, but letting it all out helps!
Maria

Ann

Maria

It can be touchy for them when they are first in recovery, but that doesn't excuse bad behaviour.

Maybe try to be a little more tolerant for a couple of weeks, but point out to him that this is a difficult time for you and the children too. And I wouldn't let him bully the children.

Have you tried Al-Anon? If not, give it a shot - it will do you the world of good.

And keep a distance from him right now when he is testy. That's a good time to take the kids for a walk.

constant

Hey Marie,

I wanted to stop in and welcome you, sorry I really don't have much experience in that area but I am sure others will be along that can share with you.

I have to second Anns suggestion of al-anon if you haven't already! Coming here is great too.

Take care of yourself and those children.
Constant

spongebob

This is all so new to me (the admitting that he had aproblem part)
I feel like my head is spinning. Thanks for the great advice. I have been to an al-anon meeting, and plan on attending on a regular basis as soon as I can get myself a little more focused. I know what he is trying to do is really difficult. I saw my sister do it 6 years ago. I will try and take a deep breath and take things one day (or minute) at a time. So glad I found this place!
Maria

maryl

I can relate. I hace 2 children of my own and due to the stress I deal with consatant headaches and migrains. I get so sick I can't eat for a day or 2. Then I have to take care of my kids and pretend everthing is fine. If he gets sick then the whole world has to stop and he can't even help with the kids. I am learning that I have to think of myself and most of all my kids too. I will admit we are going on a week of him not drinking and it has gone over well. That hasn't happened til I told him I love him but not in love with him anymore. He said he didn't realize how much it effected me. Well I have only been telling him for the last 4 years!! I am not going to be his mother I already have two boys to raise. Hang in there and keep your spirits up. The situation is what you make of it and if you are willing to keep trying just remember to know where you draw the line. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can get back up. Lots of hugs!!!



maryl

JT

Spongebob,

It sounds like you are upset because he is not giving you what you need. It is time to give it to yourself. DH is either unable or unwilling but you don't have to wait around for him to magically bestow happiness on you. Go out and get it yourself. You are worth every bit of it! And if he remains behind feeling sorry for himself that is his problem.

Said with love..I just haven't had my coffee...

Hugs,
JT

spongebob

Thanks,
And though I totally understanding that, I realize that I have been spending the last 12 years making sure he is happy, doing things I don't want to for him, and not doing things I want to for myself! And really, his whole life is a pity party, while I am the one having to face the reality that I will be in severe physical pain for the rest of my life. Despite this I go on, without much help or even understanding from him, and I sit here and worry if he is happy or if anything that I am doing is going to **** him off. I havn't had my coffee yet either, and all I keep thinking is "it's not fair", sounding like my kids. It is time to get the help I need despite whether or not it pleases him!
Thanks,
Maria