Moving away from home - Mother flipping out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 62
Moving away from home - Mother flipping out.
Well, I secured an Apartment.
In the last 6 months I have
1. secured stable employment
2.obtained a drivers liscence & a working vehicle
3. gained new friends and attachments.
I am moving into an apartment and out of my parents house on December 1st. My mother knows. The first day she found out she was "supportive" but NOW after it has become real and it is really starting to sink in - she has begun the process of mental breakdown AGIAN......but this time I am not giving in. I am moving.
She and my father are both trying to sabatoge me. I (stupidly) borrowed money from them for a car payment...they are also struggling financially now sevral months later - sence my mom is only working a part time job and my dad may be getting laid off soon. I have been paying her off with out an issue - until now - when it is being tossed in my face. The car is fully in my name so they have ZERO claim to it. But I am fully intending to pay them back and I have been. Still my father has made threts to damage my vehicle if I move out, has told me he will rip off my plates in the middle of the night exc. He thinks I should be paying THEM the money that I will be using to move into the apartment - like I owe them my life - my money.
Now my mom is trying to convince me that I WILL fail - is picking fights with me over nothing. She is telling me that I will make NOTHING of my life if I move out. I am feeling very blue.
Moving out has been hard for me in the past. I am afraid - in fact I know - that after this move I will be all alone. My family WILL disown me....maybe not forever - but for a long time. I will be a girl who is an orphan.....a girl with out a family (my extended family agree's with my parents). I guess being all alone is better then being surrounded by sick people who destroy your self esteem and drag you down every single day - but being alone is scary....it's sad...it's depressing. I just wish I had a diffrent family. I wish my father loved me like a father loves a daughter. I wish my mother wasn't so sickly co-dependant, overbearing, and controoling. I wish she didn't use my emotions to hurt me, to manipulate me, to controol me. This is going to be SO difficult....I don't know how I am going to get through it.
In the last 6 months I have
1. secured stable employment
2.obtained a drivers liscence & a working vehicle
3. gained new friends and attachments.
I am moving into an apartment and out of my parents house on December 1st. My mother knows. The first day she found out she was "supportive" but NOW after it has become real and it is really starting to sink in - she has begun the process of mental breakdown AGIAN......but this time I am not giving in. I am moving.
She and my father are both trying to sabatoge me. I (stupidly) borrowed money from them for a car payment...they are also struggling financially now sevral months later - sence my mom is only working a part time job and my dad may be getting laid off soon. I have been paying her off with out an issue - until now - when it is being tossed in my face. The car is fully in my name so they have ZERO claim to it. But I am fully intending to pay them back and I have been. Still my father has made threts to damage my vehicle if I move out, has told me he will rip off my plates in the middle of the night exc. He thinks I should be paying THEM the money that I will be using to move into the apartment - like I owe them my life - my money.
Now my mom is trying to convince me that I WILL fail - is picking fights with me over nothing. She is telling me that I will make NOTHING of my life if I move out. I am feeling very blue.
Moving out has been hard for me in the past. I am afraid - in fact I know - that after this move I will be all alone. My family WILL disown me....maybe not forever - but for a long time. I will be a girl who is an orphan.....a girl with out a family (my extended family agree's with my parents). I guess being all alone is better then being surrounded by sick people who destroy your self esteem and drag you down every single day - but being alone is scary....it's sad...it's depressing. I just wish I had a diffrent family. I wish my father loved me like a father loves a daughter. I wish my mother wasn't so sickly co-dependant, overbearing, and controoling. I wish she didn't use my emotions to hurt me, to manipulate me, to controol me. This is going to be SO difficult....I don't know how I am going to get through it.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there Mlynn 
wow!!! You are doing _great_!!!! Look at all the wonderful, healthy stuff you're doing for yourself, that's just awesome!!!
You go!! girl!!!
I dunno Mlynn, sounds to me like your biological family never respected the _real_ you. Doesn't sound to me like they have ever really been a _family_ for you.
when I first moved out I thought I would be all alone too, but you know what? I had _already_ been alone my whole life. My biological family was never a "family" for me, they were just the biological accident of my creation. Once I moved out and got connected with people who cared about _me_ I realized that I had found a _real_ family, away from those crazies I was born to.
You can make that wish come true. Just like I did. Now you get to _choose_ who you want in your new family. No more yuck people in your life, you get to have people who really care about you.
Same way all the rest of us have gotten thru it. One day at a time. All you have to deal with _ever_ is just the one day that is given to you every morning. that's all. After all you have dealth with those yuck people your entire life, I'm thinking that you can handle one single day just fine.
Take a look around the people right here in this forum. We are all your "recovery family". Just like you care about us, we care about you. Me? I would be real proud to have a family member like you who has the courage and strength to move out on her own, to break away from the insanity of those people.
You're going to be just fine, Mlynn, just like all the rest of us have.
Mike ((((( hugs )))))
wow!!! You are doing _great_!!!! Look at all the wonderful, healthy stuff you're doing for yourself, that's just awesome!!!
Originally Posted by Mlynn 
... ...but this time I am not giving in. I am moving. ...
Originally Posted by Mlynn
... after this move I will be all alone. My family WILL disown me... ...
when I first moved out I thought I would be all alone too, but you know what? I had _already_ been alone my whole life. My biological family was never a "family" for me, they were just the biological accident of my creation. Once I moved out and got connected with people who cared about _me_ I realized that I had found a _real_ family, away from those crazies I was born to.
Originally Posted by Mlynn
... I just wish I had a diffrent family....
Originally Posted by Mlynn
......I don't know how I am going to get through it. ...
Take a look around the people right here in this forum. We are all your "recovery family". Just like you care about us, we care about you. Me? I would be real proud to have a family member like you who has the courage and strength to move out on her own, to break away from the insanity of those people.
You're going to be just fine, Mlynn, just like all the rest of us have.
Mike ((((( hugs )))))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 2
wow i totally feel you on this post... my parents accutally wanted to kick me outta the house, but honestly i think it would be the best for me since their mental illness is really gettin to me. Yet i'm still at home living w/ adicts/alcoholics, i really wish i could move out but i just dont know if its the right thing for me, please let me know how things are going after the move, thanks.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: oz
Posts: 92
Go Mlynn! It took me a couple tries to move out for good too. Be patient with yourself. Sounds like you've got it all set up though. I know I would trap myself into thinking I couldn't move. Well i can't move now because I can't afford it cause I gave all my money to my mom or I should live here and save(which I knew I couldn't do). I found once I made it 6months living away from my dysfunctional family even the thought of moving back was ridiculous. I came to realize that I had to have my own life or I was headed down the same path they had already taken. Big hugs!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
What Mike said.
You're doing great! You're seeing the manipulation for what it is.
Yeah, moving out is scary, but to me, staying in that kind of environment is scarier. You have a choice between a rock and a hard place, but the hard place will get softer with time, where the rock will always remain a rock.
One day at a time and you'll be amazed at how smoothly things run!
You're doing great! You're seeing the manipulation for what it is.
Yeah, moving out is scary, but to me, staying in that kind of environment is scarier. You have a choice between a rock and a hard place, but the hard place will get softer with time, where the rock will always remain a rock.
One day at a time and you'll be amazed at how smoothly things run!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Mlynn,
Mike's dead-on right.
You've come a long way, baby. Good for you, seeing the manipulation for what it is. And good for you, moving away from that toxic environment.
Can you tell your parents that you will make payments of $xx.xx on the xx day of every month, so they can't threaten you with that? (what kind of father threatens to damage his daughter's vehicle? what a sick man...THAT'll get their money back faster, for sure...) OR can you apply for some kind of small loan while you're still living with them, to show good faith and partially pay them back, so you only owe a bank, and cut that tie with them? That worked for me at one time.
I'm glad you recognize that THEY are the sick ones.
And if this is the family that you will be free of, I'd say you're better off. They sound like they suck the joy out of your life like vampires. Think of what you'll do when you have all that joy and energy for yourself! They don't appear to love you for who and what you are. I had to rebuild an entirely new family (of friends) because mine sucked so badly. And you know what? They were better than my biological family -- more stable, supportive, and great to be around.
Take care of yourself. And stay away from them as much as you can until your moving date. Don't subject yourself to the abuse.
Hugs,
GL
Mike's dead-on right.
You've come a long way, baby. Good for you, seeing the manipulation for what it is. And good for you, moving away from that toxic environment.
Can you tell your parents that you will make payments of $xx.xx on the xx day of every month, so they can't threaten you with that? (what kind of father threatens to damage his daughter's vehicle? what a sick man...THAT'll get their money back faster, for sure...) OR can you apply for some kind of small loan while you're still living with them, to show good faith and partially pay them back, so you only owe a bank, and cut that tie with them? That worked for me at one time.
I'm glad you recognize that THEY are the sick ones.
And if this is the family that you will be free of, I'd say you're better off. They sound like they suck the joy out of your life like vampires. Think of what you'll do when you have all that joy and energy for yourself! They don't appear to love you for who and what you are. I had to rebuild an entirely new family (of friends) because mine sucked so badly. And you know what? They were better than my biological family -- more stable, supportive, and great to be around.
Take care of yourself. And stay away from them as much as you can until your moving date. Don't subject yourself to the abuse.
Hugs,
GL
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Originally Posted by Mlynn
I guess being all alone is better then being surrounded by sick people who destroy your self esteem and drag you down every single day - .
You are right. Living with people who always tear you down instead of building you up is not an option for you any more.
Don't make yourself afraid of what lies ahead for you. Look it as something wonderful to be enjoyed and developed into a life you want to live.
The parents will huff and puff for a while, but when they see you are doing well, they will lay off you. Plus, you don't have to listen to it.
Continue to pay the debt as agreed and you'll have nothing to feel sorry for.
Keep coming back here and posting.
Get to meetings and make some friends!
I applaud you for making a decision to restore your sanity.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 62
Oh my god, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I know it is the right thing - but it is so scary. I am having panic attacks becuse of it. I just want everything to be alright. I know everything was NEVER "alright" here - but I know in the first couple months of my move - life is going to become much worse before it gets better. I feel so crippled. Why is this - a normal - happy - joyous event that millions of parents and adult children transition through every year - so difficult?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by Mlynn
I know in the first couple months of my move - life is going to become much worse before it gets better.
If you decide that it WON't be - and make a detailed plan of how you're going to make the transition, keep your spirits up, take good care of yourself body and soul, maybe see a counselor, take your vitamins, get out with friends, etc -- then it doesn't have to be.
Please don't sabotage yourself by deciding something's going to be horrible. It was not the case for me, nor for anyone in my terrible family, nor for a lot of other people. In fact, some people found it freeing and empowering from day one, minute one of being away from the poison, no matter what "they" decided to do or say to them.
You can be one of them. That choice is yours. You are not a helpless victim. You are a grown woman making a grown-up move to be happily independent of your parents, and it's nobody's business but yours. You just have to make the decision that you'll enjoy feeling powerful and free more than the drama and tragedy you were fed all your life.
Breaking away can be a celebration, full of pride and joy. Or it can be a funeral. Whichever orders you give your mind & body, it will carry them out and make it so.
Choose to be proud. You deserve it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: oz
Posts: 92
I second GiveLove there Mlynn. I know I made plans for doing the things that came along with moving out. I got recipe books from 2nd hand shops. I was going to cook for myself and eat the foods I liked. And I kept my eye out for cheap cute coffee table books to decorate my place. I made furniture when i first moved in out of particle board, bricks and cute cheap sheets and fabric. I even used a giant trashcan covered with particle board as a table! I had a blast with it. It was my space that I could be myself in. I cut up my coffee table books and made collages. It was a blast! I even made "venetian" blinds with duck tape fabric and foil. boy did it keep the sun out! Moving out can be a blast. And don't forget what a blessing voicemail is. Once you move out you don't have to deal with their abuse and drama. you can let the voicemail deal with it. I went through and just deleted them without even listening for a while. (((mlynn)) you know your doing the best thing for you. Stay with it!
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Mountain West
Posts: 96
I agree with Wascilly...we can be your family This is the first place I come when things start getting hectic in my family life. Everyone else just nods and agrees, but when I come here, people always know just way to say. It's really comforting. It is very hard to move out of such a controlling situation, but it is the first step in learning to live your OWN life. Not your alcoholic parent's lives. Very liberating I applaud you 100% and the SR family will be here to support you....*hugs*
This is the first place I come when things start getting hectic in my family life. Everyone else just nods and agrees, but when I come here, people always know just way to say. It's really comforting. It is very hard to move out of such a controlling situation, but it is the first step in learning to live your OWN life. Not your alcoholic parent's lives. Very liberating I applaud you 100% and the SR family will be here to support you....*hugs*
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
midnight,
You know what I used as a table for a while? I had one of those big wooden spools, like they use for telephone wire. Four feet across, shaped like a big thread spool. $2 tablecloth and voila!
My first place away from my parents (awful people) was a rented room, tiny, cramped, shared it with my bus driver's junk. I didn't care. They couldn't get me there, and like you said I could cook what I wanted, come and go without their criticism, do and say things without worrying about some big tirade.....for the first time, I felt powerful.
It was very, very good. Mlynn, please try to believe that if this is possible for a dumba$$ like me, it's VERY possible for somebody like you!
XOX
GL
You know what I used as a table for a while? I had one of those big wooden spools, like they use for telephone wire. Four feet across, shaped like a big thread spool. $2 tablecloth and voila!
My first place away from my parents (awful people) was a rented room, tiny, cramped, shared it with my bus driver's junk. I didn't care. They couldn't get me there, and like you said I could cook what I wanted, come and go without their criticism, do and say things without worrying about some big tirade.....for the first time, I felt powerful.
It was very, very good. Mlynn, please try to believe that if this is possible for a dumba$$ like me, it's VERY possible for somebody like you!
XOX
GL
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
2 years ago I left my axh. I got an apartmetn and didnt' have any furniture excpet for one folding lawn chair, a pillow, a computer with no monitor, and, my saving grace, a clock radio!!
I llived like this for over 2 weeks.
All I could do was thank God for getting me out of that situation, and into a peaceful place of my own.
Hang in there honey. This is how we learn to appreciate all he gives us.
I llived like this for over 2 weeks.
All I could do was thank God for getting me out of that situation, and into a peaceful place of my own.
Hang in there honey. This is how we learn to appreciate all he gives us.
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
Mlynn,
Moving out never seems to go well with us ACOA's. It usually takes a "falling out" with our family for us to break away.
It may seem strange, but this is a healthy move you are making. Both for you and your family.
I demanded my mother start treating me with the respect she would show a stranger and she wanted to kick me out and I wanted to leave. I had hit my "bottom".
I was homeless...I was happy! What "home" did I really have anyway?
I was only able to move out because my boyfriend (now husband) loaned me his car while he was away on a trip. I packed up what little I had--two boxes. My parents never let me have my own wheels. Oh nooooooo. I was 20yrs old.
I drove to my parents boyfriends house just to use the phone and find somewhere to go. They offered for me to stay with them. I was so surprized.
My mom didn't talk to me for a month. But then she got over it and approached ME.
She treated me with more respect after that. She didn't think I would make it. She thought she had successfully seperated me from any supportive people but she was wrong.
Leaving was hands down, THE best decision I ever made. I would have gladly been homeless even if I wasn't offered somewhere to stay.
Mlynn, you will make it on your own and you will be content. It is o.k. to trust yourself and your own abilities. You will amaze yourself. You will do a better job caring for your needs than they did.
I love the term, "family of choice". You are free to choose your friends and family now.
Heres to you Mlynn, and your future "relatives".
Cheers
Moving out never seems to go well with us ACOA's. It usually takes a "falling out" with our family for us to break away.
It may seem strange, but this is a healthy move you are making. Both for you and your family.
I demanded my mother start treating me with the respect she would show a stranger and she wanted to kick me out and I wanted to leave. I had hit my "bottom".
I was homeless...I was happy! What "home" did I really have anyway?
I was only able to move out because my boyfriend (now husband) loaned me his car while he was away on a trip. I packed up what little I had--two boxes. My parents never let me have my own wheels. Oh nooooooo. I was 20yrs old.
I drove to my parents boyfriends house just to use the phone and find somewhere to go. They offered for me to stay with them. I was so surprized.
My mom didn't talk to me for a month. But then she got over it and approached ME.
She treated me with more respect after that. She didn't think I would make it. She thought she had successfully seperated me from any supportive people but she was wrong.
Leaving was hands down, THE best decision I ever made. I would have gladly been homeless even if I wasn't offered somewhere to stay.
Mlynn, you will make it on your own and you will be content. It is o.k. to trust yourself and your own abilities. You will amaze yourself. You will do a better job caring for your needs than they did.
I love the term, "family of choice". You are free to choose your friends and family now.
Heres to you Mlynn, and your future "relatives".
Cheers
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