How many of you married people have tried separation?

Old 11-18-2007, 08:53 PM
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How many of you married people have tried separation?

What effect did it have? Did it work for anyone in getting their S/O to get serious about quitting alcohol?
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Old 11-18-2007, 10:25 PM
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You're still thinking in terms of what YOU can do to get HER to behave differently. That's where I was when I separated from my husband, too. Ironically, he did stop drinking a few months after we separated. I don't know if it was the separation that brought about his bottom or not. Ironically, again, after I got some distance and began to work on myself, I decided I didn't want to be married to him after all. Life can take many unexpected twists and turns, but out of it all, I wish I hadn't spent so many years stuck. So many years focused on others instead of focusing on me and my life.

Best to you,
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Old 11-18-2007, 10:42 PM
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Originally Posted by sad#3 View Post
Did it work for anyone in getting their S/O to get serious about quitting alcohol?

Can't force us to stop. Can't force us to do anything we don't want to do.

I was separated for just over two years. My being separated had nothing to do with me finding a quality recovery. She was getting sick and tired of my behavior but refused to make my choices for me. She would not kick me out... that would be to easy for me...her making my choices and in my mind I could blame her (just like I did everything else) When I became sick and tired of her inactions (because she used good recovery) I moved out in a huff.

What worked the best... She worried about her own behaviors and left me to do as I please. Work "your" recovery and set "your" boundaries. If you feel you need separate as one of your boundaries... that is the reason for doing so. Doing so will not change her mind unless her mind is at the point of wanting to accept change.
What changed me... My choices and the consequences of my choices started to pile up. Some things you just can't blame others for no matter how hard you try.
Consequences of my own actions and being left to deal with them myself (my wife working a sound recovery) are what started me seeing a need for change.

Consequences when there is no one else to blame start to feel like this...
Let her deal with her own issues and let consequences do the
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Old 11-19-2007, 01:27 AM
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yes, been with her for 11 years so i'm basially married to her.
A big mess. Even went to court and did the property listing routine.
Luckiey there's was children of our own involved.

yes, she did sober up after each seperations, but as always not
until the bottom has falling out. Her being a female made it a bit
difficult and feeds more into the insanity and denial of it all.
I got kick out of my own home...obviousely she lost all of that.
The conseqence she caused..i blame her for...it's her fault,
it's all her fault.

Being codi as i am..i was willing to try again..I figure that
was it. WRONG !!!!. She would get will enough to go out and
do it again. During the sepretions...i would get well enough
to receive it again.lol The thing of it is...I didn't know i was a
codi..I thought I just love someone and was doing the right thing.
Love someone in health and and in sickness. through thick and thin.
i think most people before ever getting to posting on SR was
doing that and beliving like that through all of the living hell.
and it got worst and worst each time.
So..i'm soppost to feel bad about myself for caring and loving someone ?

yes, i'm guilty. I'm guilty of loving someone.

The consequence and wreackage she cuased..i still blame her for,
but it's piontless becuase she dosn't really give a damn.
what???? for her to make an admens on my death bed or write
me a letter when i'm six feet under ??? so she'll have an awakening ?
I think that's still too much for me to expect out of her.

The sign are there and it's simple...she loves her addiction more
than she loves me. it's hard to belive and it's hard to accept.

I'm sorry that you're going through what you're going through.
I hope you find answers.
if there was even a way for me to remove any pain you're going
through I would. I wish it upon no one.
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Old 11-19-2007, 02:55 AM
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Yes, I seperated from my AH in May. We tried marraige councelling. He is in extreme denial about his drinking problem and thinks he can control it. He wont seek help. I wont take him back. It's been six months and nothing has changed on his half of the world. I have just filed for divorce. I was hoping that he would realize what his drinking has done to our relationship but no luck. With that being the case, I have to do what is right for me and my son.

I agree with HappySoul "it was harder on the children to have him in and out than to create a stable, healthy, safe environment in a one-parent home." That is why I refused to take him back as long as he was drinking and now enough is enough. The mental health of me and my son are so much more important to me than enabling his additiction.

The outcome of a seperation may not result in what you hope for. The alchol can have such a grip on them that they see reality in a much different way than you and I. Good luck in what you decide.
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Old 11-19-2007, 04:11 AM
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I separated from my AH a little over a week ago. He has stopped drinking and started an outpatient program.

But, I did not leave to "make him stop drinking". I left to make a healthy home for my son and I and to be in a place to work on my own issues and recovery. I hope he recovers and stays sober. But, I cannot control his choices, only mine.

Best of luck to you in your choices. I agree with everybody, getting my home stable, peaceful and loving, with no alcoholic drama is the best thing I could have done for my son and myself.

Hugs.
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Old 11-19-2007, 04:52 AM
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I separated from my AH because of my needs and refusal to put up with his "stuff" any longer.

As a side effect, I hoped it would help him take responsibility for himself but that was not my motive in leaving him. I know I cannot influence him and his choices about anything other than the trivial. He will do what he will do for his own reasons.

I am doing well now that I am out of the madness. It what I needed to begin to heal and understand myself.
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Old 11-19-2007, 06:07 AM
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My AH refuses to move out or seek treatment so I will be filing for divorce in 6 weeks. If he acts up (threatens suicide or gets physical or make threats) I will call the police. I have family and friends I can stay with short term if need be until I can get him to leave.
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Old 11-19-2007, 01:05 PM
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Originally Posted by keepingmyjoy View Post
I separated from my AH a little over a week ago. He has stopped drinking and started an outpatient program.

But, I did not leave to "make him stop drinking". I left to make a healthy home for my son and I and to be in a place to work on my own issues and recovery. I hope he recovers and stays sober. But, I cannot control his choices, only mine.

Best of luck to you in your choices. I agree with everybody, getting my home stable, peaceful and loving, with no alcoholic drama is the best thing I could have done for my son and myself.

Hugs.
I think this deserves a second reading. Read it a third time, fourth or fifth if needed. JMO, but this is what I think "our side" is supposed to be getting from all of this. (and I didn't realize before I typed our side, that I feel like it's US vs. THEM....I don't like that......looks like I need more work.)
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Old 11-19-2007, 01:16 PM
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What she said.

Also, one "effect" that my separation is having is that it's making ME more honest about my motives. I really had it in my head 4 weeks ago that I was leaving to get away from the craziness of active drinking. This was certainly true, but what I didn't bank on what how much of my real motive was to get AH to "wake up", start back into recovery, miss me, etc. Truth is, he's told me he misses me but doesn't miss all my codep/enabling behaviors that I thought I'd really taken care of via AlAnon. Whether this is more manipulation on his part remains unclear, but it's definitely allowed me to take another look at ME. It's always a two-way street, even if I'm not drinking anymore.
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Old 11-19-2007, 02:32 PM
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moving out

Good thread. I've moved out several times. First, it was one night in the motel, then more. My wife went to 30 day residential rehab almost 6 years ago. Since then she has become a relapser with ever decreasing sobriety lengths.

Last year I moved out and got an apartment. I also hired an attorney to obtain a divorce. That fell though, she never got served. I, as always, relented and bought back into her recovery. Currently I'm in an extended stay place. The last two times I've left were different because she was not 'active'. The signs were there though, I know what's coming.

I assume you are asking because you are wondering if it 'works'? Not in my case. I'm left with a marriage in shambles. Also, I'm in a sort of limbo land, unable to resolve much anything and move on. I believe my main problem is going for the divorce. The ship is leaking, kinda like the Titanic, it's a mathmatical certainty. Issue #1: guilt. Even though I know Al Anon gives full permission to leave, divorce, whatever, I still am so far unable to go for the permanent split.

My wife would in all likelihood not fare well. I'm moving up in my career, she is retired, hangs around the house. Does things her way. It ain't working.

Here's the kicker: I'm in healthcare and can find employment anywhere. I can work contracts wherein I am sent somewhere, given per diem, housing, 401, insurance.

If someone knows the button to push me over the top I'd appreciate it.

Thanx
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Old 11-19-2007, 02:56 PM
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moving out

Good thread. I've moved out several times. First, it was one night in the motel, then more. My wife went to 30 day residential rehab almost 6 years ago. Since then she has become a relapser with ever decreasing sobriety lengths.

Last year I moved out and got an apartment. I also hired an attorney to obtain a divorce. That fell though, she never got served. I, as always, relented and bought back into her recovery. Currently I'm in an extended stay place. The last two times I've left were different because she was not 'active'. The signs were there though, I know what's coming.

I assume you are asking because you are wondering if it 'works'? Not in my case. I'm left with a marriage in shambles. Also, I'm in a sort of limbo land, unable to resolve much anything and move on. I believe my main problem is going for the divorce. The ship is leaking, kinda like the Titanic, it's a mathmatical certainty. Issue #1: guilt. Even though I know Al Anon gives full permission to leave, divorce, whatever, I still am so far unable to go for the permanent split.

My wife would in all likelihood not fare well. I'm moving up in my career, she is retired, hangs around the house. Does things her way. It ain't working.

Here's the kicker: I'm in healthcare and can find employment anywhere. I can work contracts wherein I am sent somewhere, given per diem, housing, 401, insurance.

If someone knows the button to push me over the top I'd appreciate it.

Thanx
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Old 11-19-2007, 05:20 PM
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Sad, as said above you still keep thinking you might have some control with this.

You do not. Good thing though is if you were away from her you would be out of the storm.......

How's those Alanon meetings going?
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Old 11-19-2007, 05:36 PM
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There is grieving in separation but each time I found that I like my life my way and didn't want to go back. The husband, the boyfriends....wrenching at the time...or maybe later if I was angry enough, nope wouldn't have any of them back.
I fell in love with doing things according to when, what, where and with whom I wanted whenever I wanted and also having a call first rule, having lots of my time.
Then I moved in with daughter to finance communally and help raise grandson.
Won't do that cha-cha again either.
And I am married now, but I am still ME!
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Old 11-19-2007, 05:59 PM
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Thanks so much for this post! I'm still farely new to this site and have been wondering the same thing for awhile now. My AH is not abusive in any way just doesn't know when to stop drinking for the night or when he's said too much or acted really stupid.Anyways I've been thinking about leaving but my motive was to "make him quit by wanting us back".However he doesn't want to quit and says that if i left he'd just get worse. As of right now I have decided not to leave, I am going to try the Al Anon meetings and hopefully that will give me a new perspective ( i dont know how to take care of myself) on how to treat the situation. I am not leaving because he leaves for deployment in a month or so and I/and our son need to be here. I am thinking I will use the deployment to be my own person (something i've never done)

Great post gave,helped me out!
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Old 11-19-2007, 06:07 PM
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I separated. After 13 years, finally decided I could no longer live on the roller coaster, and took a good hard look at what it was TRULY doing to me and my children. Things got much worse for him, but after a while, better for me. The kiddos were happier than ever becuase life was stable and mom was not a basket case. I remember feeling peace and contentment for the first time in a long time. However, I had my days. I reread some of my old posts, and man, I definitely had my days back on the roller coaster. But, they didn't last as long, and eventually I felt as if I was controlling the ride. The separation gave me time to work on me and really do some soul searching. It was good.

My AH on the other hand, went downhill fast. Drinking so much he was taken by ambulance to the hospital twice becuase his heart almost stopped. I could give you a long drunk log, but won't. He eventually hit his bottom after many months. Went to a 30 day rehab (about his 6th or 7th rehab) and was drinking within a few days. Then ended up in jail. The cement detox and an angel in jail and him finally trusting God is what helped. He is now 2 1/2 years sober going to 7-9 AA meetings a week and is now helping others. It is a miracle. If my drunk H can do it, anyone can do it.

So, I don't know whether separating helped him hit his bottom or not. I do know that I got better and my children got better. I do remember wishing he could join us in our newfound life, but he simply wasn't capable and I was no longer capable of trying to "save" him.
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Old 11-19-2007, 07:08 PM
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maybe think about what your goals are for separation. sometimes there's no choice, because the other person makes the choice. my separation ended in divorce-- his choice, not mine. but it works the other way, too. there is no answer per say-- whether or not you stay together, separate and divorce, separate and get back together, make sure you do what you can to work on yourself, because you won't be able to work on the other person/that's out of your control... so get you feeling stronger/better. good luck.
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Old 11-21-2007, 05:20 AM
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Well I told her on the 18th to make a choice, either stop drinking or we need to separate until you stop drinking... She doesn't remember me saying this... But now, she's acting real defensive and cold towards me, but I guess that's to be expected.. After all, alcohol is the first love of their life... But to act disgusted with me because I'm tired of constantly being lied to and abused while under the influence... I don't get that.
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Old 11-21-2007, 05:24 AM
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Now I expect her to play spin doctor and start blaming everything on me. Doesn't really matter. This is the only choice I had or it's never gonna stop until she's back in the gutter again or dead.
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Old 11-21-2007, 05:29 AM
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Wow you’re giving ultimatums here.
That does not work.
You have NO power of this.


I ask again, how the Alanon going?
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