feeling very used and sad

Old 11-18-2007, 07:42 PM
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feeling very used and sad

My 22 yr old AS called this afternoon.
I thought he had called to reconnect so I felt good, and hopeful at the start of the conversation. Its amazing how quickly we can forget the reality.
But things haven't changed.
I should have seen it coming, but I was hit pretty hard.
The last few phone calls haven't been too good. A month ago he asked me to pay for a lawyer for his drug case and I said no. At the time he seemed to handle it okay, but subsequent phone calls he has hinted that he can't believe I won't help him. The accusations have slowly gone from subtle to outright. He can't believe I won't help my "innocent" son.
Its true, there is a chance he isn't the responsible party. He had just gotten to Oregon and met these guys two days before the bust. I know he didn't have money to buy two pounds of marijuana to sell. He was a passenger in the car, not the driver, and He "claims" he had no idea it was in the trunk. I could possibly believe it wasn't his, but I can't believe he didn't know it was there.
The last time we talked I knew he was getting scared and he was getting angry.
Well tonight ,after I was all warm and soft, he asked me to please get him a new lawyer. His court appointed one isn't working.
Its possible that if he had a good attorney he would be off by now, many people have told me so, as there is no evidence against him. So this makes it hard.
But I know, he'll be right back in this type of situation, sooner or later. So if he's not guilty this time it's by chance, not by his choices.
When he called today I was surprised because he told me he wasn't going to call again. So my heart leaped at knowing first of all ,that he was alive, and secondly, that he sounded glad to talk to me.
The conversation started out really good so I let my guard down. The conversation went like it did back in better days, he's chatty and likes to talk about things. Well he brought up his case and asked again for me to pay for a lawyer, and all the guilt guns came out.
I stayed calm, but it hurt.
I reminded him tonight that when he left rehab, and left Ca., that it was his choice, and I would always Love him, but I would not support a lifestyle that involved drugs, including marijuana. I told him then that if he got back around the stuff it was only a matter of time till he was in jail for it.
So here we are. I told him that I had prayed and hoped that it wouldn't happen and I wanted things to work out different, but it didn't, so he needs to accept this as part of the lifestyle.
So now he lets me know in many ways, I am a horrible mom because I would let my innocent son go to jail and not help.
I think I handled the call pretty well. I know I am right. I am not questioning my choice. It feels right at all levels, intellectually and well as emotionally. But that doesn't stop the feelings of sadness.
It makes me question if we were ever close at all or was it only because I was easier then?
He only called to ask for money and I thought he was calling because he loved me, missed me, and was reaching out.
Ouch.
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Old 11-18-2007, 07:50 PM
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(((Cece))))
Now get a grip here. Yes, it hurts when somehow they get it all turned around on us, and WE end up feeling crummy. (Something is wrong with that picture!)

Both you know, and I know we are good mothers, we are now, and always have been, so what is it that's gets us so down and dejected when we say NO and maintain our boundaries? (must be a mom gene...LOL)

I've been there too, called uncaring, and you don't love me, and you want me in jail, you name it, I've heard it. But, it's the combination of drugs, and anger talking so, most of the time I can ignore it.

You sound like you got the same story my son told me...I wasn't selling drugs...swore up and down to me he wasn't...but then he got caught, and that blew the lid off that lie.
It's going to take a LONG time for me to trust either son....

Hugs to one wonderful mom, from another....
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Old 11-18-2007, 08:19 PM
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Cece,

Ok, refresher course here....:-)

Blame & guilt are two of things most commonly used by our addicted loved ones in order to manipulate us. You stuck to your guns, so he thought he'd pull out his even bigger guns and maybe wear (or shoot) you down. Didn't work and he wasn't a happy camper.

Just remember....take the "bla, bla, bla" out of BLAME, and all you have left is "me".
He's all he can think about right now. So his blame isn't about you, cece. His addiction has him thinking about nothing but what he wants and how he might go about getting it.

And I bet he does love and miss you. But his addiction is driving him right now, and that is what you hear in the phone conversations...the addiction.

You handled yourself very well and did what was best for both of you. And yes, I know that doesn't make the hurt or sadness go away. But you can feel good about the fact that you are not "loving" your child to death.

Big hugs cause I'm another mom who understands the hurt,

Hangin' In
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Old 11-18-2007, 08:20 PM
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Moosie,
You're the best! And Cece, it sounds to me like your son banged up against your boundaries and he didn't like it. It helps me to remember when my son was a little boy, I had to reinforce some things that were for his own good but he didn't like it ONE bit. I was a MEAN MOMMY.

Both you know, and I know we are good mothers, we are now, and always have been, so what is it that's gets us so down and dejected when we say NO and maintain our boundaries? (must be a mom gene...LOL)
I guess there are a few of us MEAN MOMS.

Your son has some important life lessons to learn, and hopefully he'll learn them quickly.

Hugs from mom to mom (meanies one and all)
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Old 11-18-2007, 11:42 PM
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get it, give it, grow in it
 
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(((Cece)))) THIS REINFORCES THAT THE SON YOU RAISED HAS BEEN HIJACKED BY HIS ADDICTION. My son has had legal prob. in the past and I've never given any $$ for legal fees either That is one of the boundaries I am firm on. Therefor my son never asked bec I let it be known early on don't come to me with legal prob. In my parent's group about 100% OF THE TIME WHEN I HEAR a report of a adult child choosing recovery it is because it is an option mandated by the court in lieu of more jail time.
Your son is not liking the conseq. of his lifestyle. Good ! Maybe he is heading in the right direction...down. Because that seems to be the only spring board back up.
I now this hurts. But take pride that you weren't manipulated.
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Old 11-18-2007, 11:56 PM
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Have you ever gotten a ticket from a cop and been so pissed off and swore at him up and down and all you could think about is your insurance going up, the fine you have to pay, the class you probably have to take, and you know you weren't speeding, and damit just hated that cop.

Then later you see a cop pull over a drunk driver that may have saved your life and you think, oh the cops are only doing their job, and maybe I was speeding, and he was really just protecting me cuz maybe I shouldn't be doing 80 in a 60 mph.
Or whatever.....

But at the time he pulls you over, all you can think of is how angry you are, and haven't we all tried to get our way out of a traffic ticket?

I don't know if that makes any sense to you, but your son loves you, that's just where his mind is, he can only see so far in his little bubble of his world.
His world isn't making sense so he's trying to make it make sense, and his first
way is "for Mom to fix it"....

It's about HIM, and how he sees his world, not about his love for you.
Don't confuse the too, they are very different. He will always love you.

JMO.... and how I see it, lol..
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Old 11-19-2007, 06:51 AM
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thank you all,
you are right.
everything said, was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. love and support as well as redirection of my mindset.
Especially Moose's "get a grip"!:mock
Its weird how you know you are doing the right thing but that little guilt voice still needs a good "smack-down".
Someone posted yesterday on HOPE.
And I am realizing that Hope for me, was hope for my son's recovery and return. when he gets like that it seems so far away.
I know as someone said here: The Hope should be for our lives to return as well as theirs.
Thanks.
Love you my friends,:ghug
Cathy
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Old 11-19-2007, 09:25 AM
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get it, give it, grow in it
 
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That's exactly right. I will put that front & center: "Hope should be for our lives too"
This is where I will put my energy
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Old 11-19-2007, 03:44 PM
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cece, my heart breaks for you but please do not hire him a lawyer. he was with the wrong people reguardless if he knew what was in the trunk or not. he knew what kind of people he was with. i have spent 1000's & 1000's of dollars on my addict son untill i got in recovery. it didnt help him stop,it just helped him get out of one "mess" into another. save your money. let him know u love him & pray for him but do not pay anything for him. i wished i had recovery 13yrs. ago. trying to save him did not save anything. prayers for u & your son.
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Old 11-19-2007, 04:50 PM
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Thank you Hope,
I definitely will not pay for a lawyer. I have done my share of paying for his messes in the past, thinking its all just a phase, and thinking when he got out of it, I didn't want him to start off with bad credit.
Wow! thats the least of my worries now.
So no more $.
Cathy
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Old 11-19-2007, 04:54 PM
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Also,
my son called last night again, and i let it go to voice mail. didn't have the energy for it.
But he left an apology. Said he was out of line and shouldn't expect me to think like him. Doesn't know why he always uses me as his go-to person when he wants to blow-up. And that he loved me.

I was surprised, relieved, but I still looked for the angle and am waiting for the shoe to drop. Sad isn't it?
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Old 11-20-2007, 07:10 AM
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As I read your posts here cece, I notice you have a realistic understanding of the ways of your AS. I've walked in your shoes and understand your feeling of sadness. It's a normal feeling for Moms of addicts.
Addiction changes those we love and changes how we can relate to them.
In my experience, after feeling alot of sadness and accepting my AS was not a person I could trust, I learned to let go and not listen to blame, shame or manipulation. I simply did not want to hear, could not afford to hear any of it.
One of the greatest blessings of recovery is knowing we have choices and do not have to subject ourselves to things that trouble our hearts and minds.
I wish you well.
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